Cheap Video Reviews: Hot Rod Girl

Hot Rod Girl/T-Bird Gang.

Hot Rod Girl is one half of a dollar double feature DVD that Boz sent to me as a gift. I tried to watch both films on the DVD and the other film, T-Bird Gang, was underwhelming I actually fell asleep during that one. But Hot Rod Girl is a different story.

Hot Rod Girl, Miss Lisa Vernon.

It starts with a bang at the drag strip where Miss Lisa Vernon is hauling toward the finish line in her T-Bird before the opening credits have even finished rolling. The announcer confirms she has won yet another race.

Far from your typical crazed street-racer, Lisa Vernon is actually an All-American girl, as wholesome as they come. And it turns out, all the good kids in this town get their kicks at the drag strip, rather than terrorizing the public streets. But guess what? The public is clueless and is pressuring the city council to shut the strip down!

The hot rod gang.

After the race, we meet Lisa's crew, Steve, Flat-Top, and her responsible boyfriend, Jeff.

Oh! And in the background for just a few seconds – blink and you’ll miss it - a car rolls by with 666 painted on the door! Spooky!

666.

They're all planning to hit up Yo-Yo’s, the local teen hangout; but Steve, the youngest hot rodder, is stuck at home because his hot rod hating Aunt Sarah has him on lockdown. Aunt Sarah is basically a human speed bump in Steve’s life.

Jeff: "How about you, Steve?"

Steve: "Gee, I'd love to....but every time I come to the strip, Aunt Sarah puts a stopwatch on me...I'll be glad when I'm old enough to move in with you. She's strictly horse & buggy. She doesn't dig hot rods at all!"

The older gearheads chuckle affectionately. Then Jeff agrees to ride with Steve to diagnose a troublesome engine noise.

Anti-drag racing poster.

Now we meet the hot-rodders' friend, Ben. Ben is a little older, wears a suit and a hat, and is in a position of some authority with the local police force. Ben is at his city councilman's office discussing the drag-strip. Teen hot-rodding is public enemy #1 in this town and the city councilman’s whole office is basically a shrine to automobile accidents, including a huge poster of a horrible car accident on his office wall!

Councilman: "I've seen too much!"

Ben: "If you come out to the strip & get to know the kids..."

Councilman: "No thanks! That's your headache!!"

Long story short, Ben's trying to keep the strip alive, arguing that it keeps the kids off the streets. After some persuasion, the councilman reluctantly agrees.

Next, we’re cruising around town with Jeff & Steve. Jeff doesn't hear the engine sound Steve was complaining about.

Steve: "If I could really open it up..."

Then Jeff gets VERY serious and interjects, "At the racetrack!" Jeff is the voice of reason.

Steve starts in about his Aunt Sarah again - "Living with her is like driving with your breaks on!...Slow down!...Stop!...That's the story of my life!"

"Who's this squirrel?"

Jeff advises Steve to just cool it until he's old enough to move out,.

And then, out of nowhere, a blond Eddie Haskell lookalike pulls up next to them, revving his engine like a madman. Steve calls him a squirrel, and this dude lives up to it, weaving, laughing, and generally being a jackass. The stranger continues to gawk at them, revving his engine and laughing. It's a pretty funny scene.

Jeff advises, "Ignore him, Steve...Play it smart! He's looking for trouble - disappoint him."

Road rage.

Jeff stays cool, but Steve begins to lose his.

But then, things take a wild turn. The squirrel driver backs into their car – twice – at a stop sign, all while cackling like a maniac! Who even does that?

That's it, Steve's had enough, and it's road rage o'clock. They crash, and Steve doesn't make it. Jeff's in pieces, the councilman calls the car a 'hopped-up death trap,' and the whole town goes apeshit.

Sadness.

Yo-Yo's.

The scene shifts to Yo-Yo's some time later. Everyone is there, but guess what? Jeff is missing in action. The opening segment of this scene is pretty hilarious and cannot be captured in still screen captures. It's showing close-ups of the kids' ecstatic faces as they blissfully listen to jazz records. It's the funniest part of the movie, in my opinion.

Lisa is the only one still talking about the drag strip since Jim has withdrawn into work.

Lisa: "You know, if they close the strip, the next step will be to outlaw all hot rods."

Flat-Top: "Aww...so let 'em, if it'll make the squares happy."

"LP" and her man.

Next, we meet LP, which is short for Long-Playing Record. Because she talks a lot.

LP: "They wouldn't dare! My whole wardrobe is designed around the drag strip!"

Nobody takes LP seriously. Whenever she talks too much, they're all like, "Oh, LP! Flip the record!"

They discuss Jeff's absence. LP, who is apparently promiscuous, suggests she could probably get him back.

LP: "People respond to me in a different way than they do to normal girls."

The discussion turns to illegal non-strip racing and Lisa walks out on everybody and chaos ensues.

Flat-Top, feeling a little squirrely without Jeff's sober presence, hands Yo-Yo a Canadian dime! Yo-Yo's like, 'Hey, this is a Canadian dime!' And Flat-Top's comeback? 'So? Take a trip!' Classic Flat-Top.

Now, we're in Jeff's garage, and he's burning the midnight oil as a mechanic.

Jeff's boss: "You're looking tired, Jeff."

Jeff: "I like being tired."

Jeff's boss: "Yeah, I know."

"Do you think it's easy for me to come here?"

But hold up, this melodrama's interrupted when Lisa makes an entrance, determined to crack Jeff's shell.

She hits him with, 'Don't you think I have my pride? Do you think it's easy for me to come here?'

Jeff finally explains he feels responsible for Steve's death because he's the one who souped up Steve's car for him.

Jeff: "Every time I open the hood of a car and see the engine, I think of the engine I built for him!"

Lisa: "Trying to kill yourself with work isn't going to bring him back!"

Lisa warns Jeff that Flat-Top and the other kids "are starting to act up" without his guidance, but Jeff just can't deal with that right now.

Talbot.

Now, meet Talbot, the new guy in town with an ear-piercing engine. He's all over Lisa, but she's not having any of it.

Talbot: "They told me this was a friendly town."

Lisa: "I'm the exception."

As Talbot leaves Yo-Yo's, he declares, 'When I get my coffee pot perkin’, maybe I can teach some of you cats a lesson!' Confidence level: through the roof.

Lisa, Judy, & Flat-Top talking shit.

Talbot fancies himself a great driver, but he doesn't take good care of his car at all. 

When he talks to Jeff at the garage, he affirms, "I'm here for service, not a sermon! It's my heap and I'll do with it as I please!"

Back at Yo-Yo's, Talbot pulls the ultimate party foul – he unplugs the jukebox, killing everyone's tunes and losing their credits, just so he can talk. What a dick.

But wait, Jeff makes his grand entrance! He tells Yo-Yo, 'No trouble, just music.' Ah, sweet reunion.

Feeling pressured, Talbot just flat-out challenges the whole gang to a game of chicken.

Yo-Yo, the owner of Yo-Yo’s, looks to the sky and asks the gods, "Why do I have to run a hangout for lunatics?"

"I don't want trouble...just music."

The "Chicken" scene is excellent! All the onlookers are tense as hell as Talbot and Flat-Top take their positions. 

Everyone's on edge as Talbot and Flat-Top line up. They come barreling down the road, head-on, and the first to chicken out loses.

 Spoiler alert: Flat-Top blinks, and Talbot declares them all 'chickens.'  

Everyone is a chicken except for Talbot.

Talbot at the wheel.

Flat-Top at the other wheel.

Later, Flat-Top's girl makes him swear off chicken for life. 

LP chimes in with her dramatic flair, 'Exciting! Too exciting for me!! Imagine! Too exciting for ME??!!!'

Then Ben swoops in to chew them all out: 'One more hot rod accident, and you ALL lose your licenses!' The stakes are high.

Make-Up Scene - 

Lisa's & Jeff's make-up scene.

Now, get ready for some romance. Jeff and Lisa are in his apartment, things are heating up, and Jeff, the poster child of moral responsibility, tells Lisa, “I think you'd better go.”

Lisa's like, 'Can I at least get my coffee first?' Jeff's reply? 'I'll buy you a cup tomorrow.' They both smile, suggesting that if Lisa stays one more minute, Jeff is going to lose control and try to have sex with her, so she’s got to go. Jeff & Lisa embody the ideal of American 1950s virtue.

Now that Jeff is no longer working himself to death, he is able to get all the kids back out to the drag strip where they belong.

Talbot's ultimatum.

Ben finds Talbot sitting around in Yo-Yo's by himself trying to figure out where Lisa is. Upon learning she is at the racetrack with everyone else, Talbot flies off like a bat out of hell.

Ben follows him and arrests him for speeding and gives him an ultimatum: 'Come to the drag strip and see how real hot rodders roll, or face reckless driving charges.'

But when they get to the track, Jeff's not having it. He says Talbot's car is a deathtrap, and things go south real quick. Talbot flips out, threatens Jeff, and vows to get revenge.

Dangerous recklessness.

He ends with a direct threat to Jeff - "I'll get you yet!!"

Later, as Jeff and Lisa are driving around, Talbot approaches from the rear and keeps veering in front of them, trying to piss them off. During this nonsense, a bicycle rider is hit and killed. Jeff and Lisa aren't sure who hit him, but Talbot is sure it was Jeff. The City Councilman is so pissed, he fires Ben and closes the drag strip. Soon all hot rods will be outlawed.

Approaching Talbot.

Not one to wallow in self pity (unlike Jeff after Steve's death), Ben is hard at work collecting a paint sample from Talbot's car. He then approaches Talbot, who is sitting alone drinking a soda at Yo-Yo's.

Ben informs Talbot his inspection of the accident site reveals Jeff's skid marks ending 50 feet before the kid while Talbot's go right through the impact point. He also thinks Talbot's car finish matches marks found on the boy.

Talbot responds by standing up and smashing Ben over the head with a bottle!

Brawl at Yo-Yo's.

Then, Jeff runs in and beats the shit out of Talbot.

Everyone agrees Talbot's actions suggest he is guilty. Ben says, "I have to go see a man about a badge", implying he will get his job back since he was able to determine the accident was Talbot's fault.

Nursing Jim's wounds.

Then Jeff & Lisa make-out and everything is fine.


Commentary - The title is a little misleading, as the "hot rod girl" is really just a supporting character. The movie isn’t terrible, but could use a little more action. The "chicken" scene is badass as is the scene leading up to Steve's death, but highlights like that are few and far between. As part of a 2-for-$1 DVD though, especially one that was given to me for free, I can't complain at all about Hot Rod Girl.

[ Reviewed March, 2006. ]

Those Darlins

Those Darlins @ the Observatory, Santa Ana, CA; Aug., 2012.

Those Darlins.

John Waters

 If you're paying to see John Waters speak, go ahead and spring for the meet-and-greet.
Dec., 2012.

Kilbuck Portrait

Amanda's portrait of Donald Kilbuck next to the man himself. Painted in the late 1990's.

Donald & his portrait.

Update: The portrait lives! 25 years later (Oct. 2023), Donald sent me a photo of the portrait in its current location in Soldotna; specifically, "Funny River at Little Way's from the Small Plane Airport."

 

May it live forever!

Wall Art

Wall Art, Melrose Ave., Los Angeles, CA.

Grenade.

Sidekick

Yep, look at me in the Alaskan roadside bat mobile.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Sep. 2, 2005]

Found: FU Carina

Robert to Carina, "FU."

I'm a Lobster

I returned for day two of Labor Ready and the foremen looked very surprised.

"Huh! Back for more?", one said. I don't think it's normal for somebody to return to that site. It is pretty brutal. They said a couple of guys left after an hour & a half last week. They were also not nearly such assholes today since they know I am hardcore.

I knew I should've stopped for sunscreen this morning. I am now bright red like a lobster and I think my ears have been totally cooked. They feel like pork rinds.

Sunburn not looking nearly as bad in photo.

Nothing real exciting to tell about the day, it was just more loading rocks in the sun for 9 hours. My co-workers weren't particularly interesting today either. We drove 2 separate cars and by 1pm we were all miserably delirious. They left at 8 hours and the foreman asked me if I was leaving too or if I wanted another hour. I gave him a huge-ass smile and asked, "Only one more?" (and I have no idea where that came from, because I felt like I was gonna die right there in the dirt). But he hooked me up for that last hour! I barely did ANYTHING, so sometimes it's good to not know when to quit.

I want to go back again tomorrow! I will let my sunburn determine whether I do or not. But really, tomorrow's Friday...so I might as well. I mean, am I freaking hardcore or not?

If I do though, I will do it with sunscreen.

PS - Even though I buy a huge jug of water in the morning before going to the job site, I NEVER have to pee for the entire 9 hours I'm out there, I guess because I sweat it all out. I SO miss peeing!

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, July 1, 2004]

Death to Tyrants

When we were living in rural Alaska, my brother Todd and I decided to celebrate one particular 4th of July by building and burning a tyrant's effigy. He had a balloon head and a body stuffed with straw. Went up in flames good, like a tyrant should.

Here's pics:

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Jan. 4, 2004]

Shower Heads

 I received a gift in the mail today from Purple Viper - Thank you, Purple Viper!

It's from a line of novelty shower heads from a 1980s called "Shower Heads." I think they were trying to say they put the "head" in "shower head" (or something like that) because they produced a whole line of shower heads adorned with rubber representations of various human and animal heads.

From the enclosed Shower Heads informational brochure.

Purple Viper sent a particularly appropriate Rchrd Nxn (sorry about the lack of vowels, I don't want to get picked up on search engines anymore) model:

Look at it go!

Thanks again, Purple Viper!

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Oct. 24, 2005]

Curb Appeal

Everything you need, right here.

Pinata Upskirt

Pinata Upskirt.

[ Originally posted on The Real World…Blogger Style! – October 22, 2006 ]

First Impressions

When I had recently arrived in Anchorage and was getting on my feet, I bought a van real cheap from a co-worker. The next morning, I was starting a second job working with disabled kids. 

I drove that van on my first day of work and I remember having a completely overbearing head cold at the time. I was parked in front of the home of the individuals I would be assisting while I was digging in the back of the van looking for some Kleenex when I noticed a large sawed-off shotgun underneath the back seat! 

I don't know what I was thinking (I was ill and disoriented at the time), but I picked it up and pulled the trigger (I guess to see if it worked). I remember an explosive, "BLAMMM!!", followed by a deafening ringing in my ears and the smell of gun powder. It was loaded! 

Shotgun blast hole with swiss army knife for scale.

Blew a hole right through the side of my new van. Right in the parking lot of my new workplace on my first day! I just remember smelling smoke and my ears ringing like crazy and being glad nobody was outside in the parking lot who might have been caught by the blast. The lady who ran the house came running out and asked me what was going on. All I could think about was my head cold and I didn't want to explain it all to her, so I stupidly stuck my head out the window, held up the shotgun and said, "I just shot a hole in my van. I have a head cold," as if that explained anything. 

Well, they say the first impression you make on somebody is the one they will always remember and you'd think I made a pretty bad one that day; but if that's the case, you'd never know it. She didn't say a word, she just turned around and went back in the house. I came in a little later and started my first shift. We later became friendly acquaintances, but she NEVER mentioned the incident as long as I knew her.

The photograph below shows brother Todd holding his Swiss Army knife by the shotgun hole for scale. If the shot had landed a foot or so to the left, where the gas tank is located, I may not have lived to tell the stupid tale.

P-E-P-S-I S-P-I-R-I-T

In 1981, Pepsi launched a bottle cap collecting game to ignite the "Pepsi Spirit" in their customers. The idea was simple: collect the letters printed on the inside of each bottle cap to spell "Pepsi Spirit." This was before plastic twist-off caps were common, and you had to pop open a Pepsi with a bottle opener. Here’s the original commercial.

As a kid, I didn't realize that the rarest letter was the elusive R. I thought the distribution of letters was even, and I would excitedly tell people that we had all the letters except for the R. Little did I know, everyone was in the same boat.

One day, while stopping at a gas station, my friend and I thought we had struck gold. The gas station owner had altered a P into an R with a marker and had the caps displayed next to the register. We were ecstatic and thought our dream of completing the Pepsi Spirit was finally coming true.

"We have the E! You have the R! Let's go in together and split the money!" we exclaimed.

But then, the gas station owner laughed and pointed out that it was a fake R—one of the fifth ones he'd made because people kept stealing them!

Pretty good prank.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, May 18, 2006]

Found Grafitti

Graffiti from a bathroom stall:

Life is once.

Live it Again.

Real World Bathrooms

When I was part of The Real World...Blogger Style!, we all posted photos of our bathrooms one day.

Here was mine. This is when I was renting a room with a bathroom next door in Orange as I finished my MLIS.

Note the ergonomic toilet plunger handle.

2 sinks and a coffee pot.

[Originally posted on The Real World...Blogger Style!, Mar. 10, 2004]

Cantwell

Out in the middle of nowhere, Cantwell, Alaska hosts an annual music festival. It is pretty much just two days of drunken revelry. It's completely unadvertised. People just know about it by word of mouth

It's right off the freeway in a huge open area. The only structures are a stage, a full blown bar, and a line of port-o-johns.

Everybody just pitches tents or lives in their vehicles for the weekend.

Highlights from the year I attended include:

Dancing on makeshift tables.

Passing out & sleeping in the dirt.

Worth a close up.

Me in the chair, Todd standing above, Amanda on the right, & our photographer in my lap.

Here is a collage:

Cantwell collage.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Jan. 18, 2004]

Neon Boneyard

Las Vegas' Neon Boneyard collects old Vegas signage so it can be enjoyed by future generations.

Neon Boneyard.

FU w/ Xtra Cheese

Sarah's guest check book from work.

Did you know waitresses wrote such things in their guest check books?

Sarah's guest check book from work.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Feb. 2, 2004]

Aleknagik

Besides fishing, you could also screw around in watercraft on Lake Aleknagik, though that was often incorporated into fishing as well.

Our crew, most days.

Skif Pilot Jonnie.

 One section of Lake Aleknagik featured the wreckage of a WWII barge which we enjoyed climbing around on.

The old barge.

Todd welcoming us aboard.

Glen tying anchoring our skif to the barge.

Fishing off the barge.

Fishing off the barge was amazing, the river's current would momentarily trap the salmon against the barge and you could look right down at them. Theoretically, the salmon wouldn't even have to bite, it would not be difficult to just snag them with your hook ("snagging" is illegal by the way, it wasn't uncommon for Fish & Game to check your fish to make sure they were hooked legally in the mouth).

It was also fun to explore the barge, though most of it was flooded. I don't know any of the barge's history, except that it was from WWII and that it was too expensive to remove and dispose of it. As of the mid-1990s, it had just been sitting there for fifty years or so.

Remains of a WWII era bathroom.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Dec. 21 2004]

Leap Froggin'

Spontaneous game of leap frog outside the venue while waiting for Jack's band to play.

Leap froggers.

T.S.O.L.

T.S.O.L. w/ the Adolescents @ The Observatory, Santa Ana, CA; Dec., 2012.

Girl stage diving during T.S.O.L.

Old Man Candy

One of my favorite Christmas traditions is buying a big container of what has come to be known as, "old man candy."

This year, I found 2 pounds for $1.99!

They probably won't make it to Christmas though. I automatically crunch into them as soon as I put them into my mouth.

The grape ones are my favorite. They are also kind of rare.

Second favorite is probably lime.

Least favorite is peppermint.

Sometimes you'll bite into one that tastes kind of like cologne with sugar. It doesn't taste terrible, but it doesn't taste good either.

This batch has a really good one that tastes kind of like cherry cough syrup.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Dec. 19, 2005]

Hyder-ized

While driving through British Columbia, Canada, for what seemed like forever on our road trip to Alaska in 1994, we made a Hyderization pit stop in Hyder, Alaska.

The proper entrance to Alaska is through the Yukon Territory, which was still a long way off, but we learned there was a southern Alaskan town called, "Hyder," accessible through British Columbia. It isn't a proper entrance to Alaska because there are no additional routes into the interior, evidenced by the absence of a customs stop.

We were a little road weary from days of driving and decided it was worth the 200 mile detour off the Alkean Highway to check out Hyder. It was probably a once in a lifetime opportunity. I doubt we will ever be back in Hyder. It is absolutely in the middle of nowhere.

Checking out Hyder, Alaska.

Once we arrived, Hyder looked like kind of a wilderness outpost. There were a few buildings (at least half of which were bars) and a lot of mud.

One guy we met there told us they did try to establish a border patrol office at one point in the town's history, but the locals, "shot it up."

There was not even anything to indicate where the Canada-Alaska border was. The guy we were talking to said, "There used to be a sign, but if fell down, eh?"

We decided to celebrate at the Glacier Inn bar & liquor store. The walls were covered with autographed money, originally from miners staking claims, but in recent years it was probably just drunks.

One wall of the Glacier Inn.

While we were there, the bartender, Caroline, was creating a subliminal message to her boss by stapling $2 bills to the money covered wall to spell out, "Fuck you, Buzzy." She said he would never notice and she would laugh about it for years.

"Fuck you, Buzzy."

The Glacier Inn had a tradition called, "Hyderization," the process of, "getting Hyderized," which consisted of drinking a shot of Everclear.

We recorded Caroline's Hyderization rap on the Van Log cassette tape rec (she was able to recite it super fast, an skill she called, "Speed Hyderization"):

What I have before you is a water chaser, this in the other hand, is a house special. You may not taste it or smell it first. You have to knock it back straight one time & one time only... On the count of 3, down the hatch. 1,2,3. Congratulations, you've just been Hyderized with 1 ounce of Everclear 190 proof straight grain alcohol. Here's you card, sign your name to it...Welcome to Hyder & have a nice day. Bingo! We're done! Thank you.

Getting Hyderized.

After that initiation, they provided you with a souvenir card:

My proof of Hyderization.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Mar. 12, 2004]

Chili Dog Burrito Nightmare

The first burritos I ever ate were frozen ones from the supermarket.

Our supermarket’s frozen brand offered three varieties:

• Red Hot (in a red wrapper),
• Mild (in a green wrapper), and
• Chili Dog (in a brown wrapper).

I loved the first two, but Chili Dog was introduced later, and I was unfamiliar with it the first (and only) time I tried one. I assumed it would be filled with beefy chili dog-style chili or something.

I'll never forget my shock the first time I bit into it – the burrito had a whole hot dog in it! It was a hot dog wrapped in beans, then encased in a tortilla and frozen. You would bite into it and pull the whole hot dog out.

It seemed very unnatural and wrong. I was probably 12 or 13 years old, and I think I shrieked out loud when I bit into it and pulled out a hot dog. It was messed up. I'm glad it never caught on.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, June 30, 2004]

Fishbone

Dr. Mad Vibe @ the Fishbone show, Santa Ana, CA; Sep., 2012.

Fishbone.

1-800-DEL-TACO

Del Taco branded pay phone outside a Del Taco in Orange, CA; 2005.

Del Taco Hotline.

Raymond is a Gangsta

In Anchorage, I was working with severe schizophrenics for awhile. They'd been released from the mental institution & were transitioning by living under supervision in a block of apartments with an adjoining staff area so they could have their living skills evaluated before being set out to fend for themselves in the community.

There was this guy, Raymond, who constantly had his coffee maker on. He just refused to shut it off. It started to melt-down & was determined a fire hazard by the staff, so they removed it. 

He was without coffee for a couple of days until, one day, I dropped by on my rounds & Raymond is sitting on his couch enjoying a hot cup of coffee like usual. 

Me: "Hey, they got you a new coffee maker"?

Raymond: "Nah, I've been making it in the dishwasher".

Me: "?????????????"

Upon checking the dishwasher, sure enough, he was tossing in a bunch of coffee grounds instead of soap, running a cycle, & stopping it before the water drained out. The entire bottom of the dishwasher was full of hot coffee. Then it was just a matter of dipping a cup in there.

And this is how Raymond came to be known as, "the Schizophrenic McGuyver."

- - - - - - 

The only other thing I know about Raymond is that he used to use pages from the Bible as rolling papers for cigarettes. I think he just did it to get people worked up.

He also is said to have purchased a new car with a briefcase full of cash at one point in the past, but that may or may not be just a story.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Jan. 3, 2004]