True Security Guard Fantasies

In the late 1980s, I had started college and was working a third-shift security guard job in a factory, from about 11:00 in the evening until 7:00 in the morning.

There weren’t too many responsibilities; I would just make hourly patrols. I think it was an insurance thing for them. I liked it because I could study between rounds.

I only bring this up because I remembered another guard there named Werner. He was one of those out-of-shape idiot wannabe cops who thought a low-level security guard job was the same thing as joining a SWAT team.

Anyway, I only bring up Werner because of his messed-up fantasy life. I remember one particular shift change when he started rambling on and on about how he’d love for somebody to try to break into his house so he could shoot them legally. If they weren’t armed, he said, he would put another gun in their hand to justify the shooting.

One night, he drew me a diagram of his fantasy home, which included a large pyramid structure with a hot tub at the top. All three sides of the pyramid were made up of stairs, like this:

Werner's fantasy love-spa.

It was really important to him that the pyramid be tall enough so that he could survey the entire surrounding area from the comfort of his hot tub, ensuring that no one could ever sneak up on him. I couldn't quite understand why he felt so strongly about this, particularly in the context of the hot tub.

As if that weren't strange enough, he shared a fantasy where he was in the hot tub with his wife, surrounded by a stash of guns just in case he needed them. Suddenly, he notices someone trying to sneak up the side of his pyramid.

He said he would climb out of the hot tub, ask his wife to tie a towel around his exposed privates, and then shoot the intruder without hesitation.

As the fantasy continued, more people appeared, coming from all sides of the pyramid. He was being swarmed! He dealt with the situation by firing at everyone, all while his wife kept handing him fresh ammunition.

Werner's action sequence.

???? - What kind of fucked up fantasy is that?

He also was 100% POSITIVE that he could write an amazing screenplay based around that scenario. Maybe that is why he was so concerned about covering up his privates. I don't know why he would care otherwise.

Poor stupid Werner.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, June 16, 2005]

Cheap Video Reviews: Hot Rod Girl

Hot Rod Girl/T-Bird Gang.

Hot Rod Girl is one half of a dollar double feature DVD that Boz sent to me as a gift. I tried to watch both films on the DVD and the other film, T-Bird Gang, was underwhelming I actually fell asleep during that one. But Hot Rod Girl is a different story.

Hot Rod Girl, Miss Lisa Vernon.

It starts with a bang at the drag strip where Miss Lisa Vernon is hauling toward the finish line in her T-Bird before the opening credits have even finished rolling. The announcer confirms she has won yet another race.

Far from your typical crazed street-racer, Lisa Vernon is actually an All-American girl, as wholesome as they come. And it turns out, all the good kids in this town get their kicks at the drag strip, rather than terrorizing the public streets. But guess what? The public is clueless and is pressuring the city council to shut the strip down!

The hot rod gang.

After the race, we meet Lisa's crew, Steve, Flat-Top, and her responsible boyfriend, Jeff.

Oh! And in the background for just a few seconds – blink and you’ll miss it - a car rolls by with 666 painted on the door! Spooky!

666.

They're all planning to hit up Yo-Yo’s, the local teen hangout; but Steve, the youngest hot rodder, is stuck at home because his hot rod hating Aunt Sarah has him on lockdown. Aunt Sarah is basically a human speed bump in Steve’s life.

Jeff: "How about you, Steve?"

Steve: "Gee, I'd love to....but every time I come to the strip, Aunt Sarah puts a stopwatch on me...I'll be glad when I'm old enough to move in with you. She's strictly horse & buggy. She doesn't dig hot rods at all!"

The older gearheads chuckle affectionately. Then Jeff agrees to ride with Steve to diagnose a troublesome engine noise.

Anti-drag racing poster.

Now we meet the hot-rodders' friend, Ben. Ben is a little older, wears a suit and a hat, and is in a position of some authority with the local police force. Ben is at his city councilman's office discussing the drag-strip. Teen hot-rodding is public enemy #1 in this town and the city councilman’s whole office is basically a shrine to automobile accidents, including a huge poster of a horrible car accident on his office wall!

Councilman: "I've seen too much!"

Ben: "If you come out to the strip & get to know the kids..."

Councilman: "No thanks! That's your headache!!"

Long story short, Ben's trying to keep the strip alive, arguing that it keeps the kids off the streets. After some persuasion, the councilman reluctantly agrees.

Next, we’re cruising around town with Jeff & Steve. Jeff doesn't hear the engine sound Steve was complaining about.

Steve: "If I could really open it up..."

Then Jeff gets VERY serious and interjects, "At the racetrack!" Jeff is the voice of reason.

Steve starts in about his Aunt Sarah again - "Living with her is like driving with your breaks on!...Slow down!...Stop!...That's the story of my life!"

"Who's this squirrel?"

Jeff advises Steve to just cool it until he's old enough to move out,.

And then, out of nowhere, a blond Eddie Haskell lookalike pulls up next to them, revving his engine like a madman. Steve calls him a squirrel, and this dude lives up to it, weaving, laughing, and generally being a jackass. The stranger continues to gawk at them, revving his engine and laughing. It's a pretty funny scene.

Jeff advises, "Ignore him, Steve...Play it smart! He's looking for trouble - disappoint him."

Road rage.

Jeff stays cool, but Steve begins to lose his.

But then, things take a wild turn. The squirrel driver backs into their car – twice – at a stop sign, all while cackling like a maniac! Who even does that?

That's it, Steve's had enough, and it's road rage o'clock. They crash, and Steve doesn't make it. Jeff's in pieces, the councilman calls the car a 'hopped-up death trap,' and the whole town goes apeshit.

Sadness.

Yo-Yo's.

The scene shifts to Yo-Yo's some time later. Everyone is there, but guess what? Jeff is missing in action. The opening segment of this scene is pretty hilarious and cannot be captured in still screen captures. It's showing close-ups of the kids' ecstatic faces as they blissfully listen to jazz records. It's the funniest part of the movie, in my opinion.

Lisa is the only one still talking about the drag strip since Jim has withdrawn into work.

Lisa: "You know, if they close the strip, the next step will be to outlaw all hot rods."

Flat-Top: "Aww...so let 'em, if it'll make the squares happy."

"LP" and her man.

Next, we meet LP, which is short for Long-Playing Record. Because she talks a lot.

LP: "They wouldn't dare! My whole wardrobe is designed around the drag strip!"

Nobody takes LP seriously. Whenever she talks too much, they're all like, "Oh, LP! Flip the record!"

They discuss Jeff's absence. LP, who is apparently promiscuous, suggests she could probably get him back.

LP: "People respond to me in a different way than they do to normal girls."

The discussion turns to illegal non-strip racing and Lisa walks out on everybody and chaos ensues.

Flat-Top, feeling a little squirrely without Jeff's sober presence, hands Yo-Yo a Canadian dime! Yo-Yo's like, 'Hey, this is a Canadian dime!' And Flat-Top's comeback? 'So? Take a trip!' Classic Flat-Top.

Now, we're in Jeff's garage, and he's burning the midnight oil as a mechanic.

Jeff's boss: "You're looking tired, Jeff."

Jeff: "I like being tired."

Jeff's boss: "Yeah, I know."

"Do you think it's easy for me to come here?"

But hold up, this melodrama's interrupted when Lisa makes an entrance, determined to crack Jeff's shell.

She hits him with, 'Don't you think I have my pride? Do you think it's easy for me to come here?'

Jeff finally explains he feels responsible for Steve's death because he's the one who souped up Steve's car for him.

Jeff: "Every time I open the hood of a car and see the engine, I think of the engine I built for him!"

Lisa: "Trying to kill yourself with work isn't going to bring him back!"

Lisa warns Jeff that Flat-Top and the other kids "are starting to act up" without his guidance, but Jeff just can't deal with that right now.

Talbot.

Now, meet Talbot, the new guy in town with an ear-piercing engine. He's all over Lisa, but she's not having any of it.

Talbot: "They told me this was a friendly town."

Lisa: "I'm the exception."

As Talbot leaves Yo-Yo's, he declares, 'When I get my coffee pot perkin’, maybe I can teach some of you cats a lesson!' Confidence level: through the roof.

Lisa, Judy, & Flat-Top talking shit.

Talbot fancies himself a great driver, but he doesn't take good care of his car at all. 

When he talks to Jeff at the garage, he affirms, "I'm here for service, not a sermon! It's my heap and I'll do with it as I please!"

Back at Yo-Yo's, Talbot pulls the ultimate party foul – he unplugs the jukebox, killing everyone's tunes and losing their credits, just so he can talk. What a dick.

But wait, Jeff makes his grand entrance! He tells Yo-Yo, 'No trouble, just music.' Ah, sweet reunion.

Feeling pressured, Talbot just flat-out challenges the whole gang to a game of chicken.

Yo-Yo, the owner of Yo-Yo’s, looks to the sky and asks the gods, "Why do I have to run a hangout for lunatics?"

"I don't want trouble...just music."

The "Chicken" scene is excellent! All the onlookers are tense as hell as Talbot and Flat-Top take their positions. 

Everyone's on edge as Talbot and Flat-Top line up. They come barreling down the road, head-on, and the first to chicken out loses.

 Spoiler alert: Flat-Top blinks, and Talbot declares them all 'chickens.'  

Everyone is a chicken except for Talbot.

Talbot at the wheel.

Flat-Top at the other wheel.

Later, Flat-Top's girl makes him swear off chicken for life. 

LP chimes in with her dramatic flair, 'Exciting! Too exciting for me!! Imagine! Too exciting for ME??!!!'

Then Ben swoops in to chew them all out: 'One more hot rod accident, and you ALL lose your licenses!' The stakes are high.

Make-Up Scene - 

Lisa's & Jeff's make-up scene.

Now, get ready for some romance. Jeff and Lisa are in his apartment, things are heating up, and Jeff, the poster child of moral responsibility, tells Lisa, “I think you'd better go.”

Lisa's like, 'Can I at least get my coffee first?' Jeff's reply? 'I'll buy you a cup tomorrow.' They both smile, suggesting that if Lisa stays one more minute, Jeff is going to lose control and try to have sex with her, so she’s got to go. Jeff & Lisa embody the ideal of American 1950s virtue.

Now that Jeff is no longer working himself to death, he is able to get all the kids back out to the drag strip where they belong.

Talbot's ultimatum.

Ben finds Talbot sitting around in Yo-Yo's by himself trying to figure out where Lisa is. Upon learning she is at the racetrack with everyone else, Talbot flies off like a bat out of hell.

Ben follows him and arrests him for speeding and gives him an ultimatum: 'Come to the drag strip and see how real hot rodders roll, or face reckless driving charges.'

But when they get to the track, Jeff's not having it. He says Talbot's car is a deathtrap, and things go south real quick. Talbot flips out, threatens Jeff, and vows to get revenge.

Dangerous recklessness.

He ends with a direct threat to Jeff - "I'll get you yet!!"

Later, as Jeff and Lisa are driving around, Talbot approaches from the rear and keeps veering in front of them, trying to piss them off. During this nonsense, a bicycle rider is hit and killed. Jeff and Lisa aren't sure who hit him, but Talbot is sure it was Jeff. The City Councilman is so pissed, he fires Ben and closes the drag strip. Soon all hot rods will be outlawed.

Approaching Talbot.

Not one to wallow in self pity (unlike Jeff after Steve's death), Ben is hard at work collecting a paint sample from Talbot's car. He then approaches Talbot, who is sitting alone drinking a soda at Yo-Yo's.

Ben informs Talbot his inspection of the accident site reveals Jeff's skid marks ending 50 feet before the kid while Talbot's go right through the impact point. He also thinks Talbot's car finish matches marks found on the boy.

Talbot responds by standing up and smashing Ben over the head with a bottle!

Brawl at Yo-Yo's.

Then, Jeff runs in and beats the shit out of Talbot.

Everyone agrees Talbot's actions suggest he is guilty. Ben says, "I have to go see a man about a badge", implying he will get his job back since he was able to determine the accident was Talbot's fault.

Nursing Jim's wounds.

Then Jeff & Lisa make-out and everything is fine.


Commentary - The title is a little misleading, as the "hot rod girl" is really just a supporting character. The movie isn’t terrible, but could use a little more action. The "chicken" scene is badass as is the scene leading up to Steve's death, but highlights like that are few and far between. As part of a 2-for-$1 DVD though, especially one that was given to me for free, I can't complain at all about Hot Rod Girl.

[ Reviewed March, 2006. ]

Cheap Video Reviews: Samurai: Reincarnation

Samurai: Reincarnation

Samurai: Reincarnation opens with Chapter 'Hell' - Part 1 where we get a history lesson about a battle between Christians and Shoguns 350 years ago in which the Shoguns killed 20,000 Christians and then cut a lot of their heads in half so they could claim they killed 45,000.

Samurai entertainer.

Cut to a Samurai celebration party, and it's not your typical party scene.  Everybody is sitting around quietly by a fire, still wearing their armor. The entertainment is a guy doing tai chi with a sword. For a celebration, it’s pretty low energy; even with the inclusion of decapitated Christian head trophies hanging in the background, occasionally illuminated by lightning flashes even though it isn’t raining.

Out of nowhere, one of the heads defies gravity, zooms across the room and into the bonfire, which emits a shower of sparks. When the smoke clears, all the samurai are either dead or unconscious. The only guy left standing is our tai chi swordsman. He casually strolls off the stage like it's just another day at the office. Oh, and he pets one of the Christian heads, because why not?

Petting a Christian head.

Now, the guy begins speaking, in badly dubbed English. It is apparent he is possessed by a spirit and is not the same guy who was doing tai chi with a sword earlier. Now he is just a vessel for a ghost. Turns out, he's a fallen Christian, reincarnated as a samurai, and he's got vengeance on his mind.  He begins crying and wailing about how he will avenge the fallen Christians, "As of tonight, I shall part with you, my brothers...So be it, I swear! Hear me in Heaven! From this moment on, I shall abandon you! There shall be no brotherly love! I shall do what you failed to do! I shall wreck a vengeance on the entire world"!

Chapter 'Hell' - Part 2 takes us to "Kumamoto - In the Realm of Higo"; specifically at, "Taisho-Ji - Lord Hosokawa's Family Temple". The reincarnated samurai (I think his name is Shito) is conducting an occult ceremony.

Shito's occult ceremony.

Shito's got a woman's body lying on the floor, and he's channeling the spirit of Hosokawa's dead wife. After the possessed body settles down, they have a chat,

Shito:"I have come here to fulfill your pathetic prayer to be reborn in the world of the living".

Woman:"Oh, you ignorant fool" [laughs].

They go on and on, then Shito comments, "Your reputation for chastity is dimmed by having lived days of carnage with your husband". Days of Carnage!

Lady Hosokawa as she was before.

Their dialogue goes back and forth, and Shito drops lines like, 'Your reputation for chastity is dimmed by having lived days of carnage with your husband.' Yep, days of carnage! Shito knows Lady Hosokawa pretty well because he adds, 'You were obliged to die in a most reluctant manner.' Cue a flashback where Lord Hosokawa is upset because his Christian wife stopped sleeping with him, so he arranged her fiery demise.

Chapter 'Hell' - Part 3 consists of a master swordsman sitting in his samurai armor lamenting that he has, "Nothing to do but wait until age 62 to die of old age", since nobody can kill him in battle.

After an extensive rambling monologue, the master swordsman is approached by Shito and Lady Hosokawa; who are going around reincarnating people into a private army. When approached about the prospect of reincarnation, the master swordsman swings his sword then falls down for no apparent reason. Shito then reincarnates him. Maybe they should just call this, "possession," rather than "reincarnation." 

Finally, to end everything on an up note, a guy wearing an eyepatch barges in and disrupts everything, then leaves.

An apparent misogynist.

Chapter 'Hell' - Part 4: By this point in the film, I start realizing that all the chapters of this movie will be "Hell" chapters. Maybe it was intended to be a trilogy with this film being the "Hell" segment. Well, it is that.

This chapter opens with a guy passing two women on a staircase. He says, "Wait", under his breath then suddenly murders both of them out of the blue. Then we see everything return to as it was before. The murder only occurred in the man's mind. He is, apparently, a misogynist.

Murder victim.

Things go from bad to weird fast as a veiled woman approaches from the left. She is laughing at the misogynist, "Ha Ha Ha!! Why are you always dreaming of killing females"?

She opens her veil to reveal that she either has a ghost head or is wearing a ghost mask; then her voice booms, like an announcer yelling through a megaphone, "Why restrain yourself from sexual desire? The female skin is beautiful." At this point, she shows the man her breasts.

After seeing the ghost's breasts, the misogynist tries to kill the ghost, but she is too fast for him. He ends the chase and proclaims, "All the aesthetic practice I've done could not put out the flame of my carnal desire". Then he stabs himself.

The ghost reveals herself as Lady Hosokawa before the dying misogynist. This is somehow significant, but I wasn't paying enough attention to pick up on any subtleties.

Chapter 'Hell' - Part 5: This part is set in a secret Iga Ninja village: A younger guy walks into the Ninja village with kids swarming all around him. One of the kids asks, "Did you bring a rabbit"? The dubbed English voice was that of an adult, so it was weird to hear a kid talk like that.

The guy smiles and pulls a rabbit out of his shirt for the kids. Everything is fine until the village is suddenly bombarded by flaming arrows. There's a big battle scene, but nothing worth saving video captures of. For a battle scene, it was pretty unremarkable.

Shito and his crew are still going around reincarnating dead and dying people, so of course they show up here. They approach the younger guy this time. When he asks why Shito chose him for reincarnation; Shito says he chose him, "out of sympathy" but doesn't offer any further explanation.

Eyepatch.

Suddenly, the guy with the eye patch reappears! Shito's crew charges Eyepatch on horseback, but he jumps straight up in a tree so they can't reach him.

Shito asks, "When did you turn into a monkey"? Shito's crew thinks this is hilarious and everybody is laughing their asses off. They ride off with some parting words, "We'll meet again in the future."

Eyepatch says to himself, "Something strange is about to happen."

I stopped keeping track of the Chapter 'Hell' divisions at this point. Just trying to watch the movie took all my energy.

Around this point is where the whole subplot began about Shito sowing discontent among the Shogun's people. They are living in a feudal system in which they pay taxes to the shogun in exchange for permission to farm the land he owns. So, Shito starts cursing the land by occult means. He is chanting over a fire while one of his crew is dropping snakes into the flame.

Shito: "Wheat will whither and die. Soil will rot. Ameeeeen."

Greatest swordsmith in the world.

Now the scene changes and we see Eyepatch visiting the greatest swordsmith in the world who is living in exile on a mountaintop with his step-daughter who plays the flute.

Eyepatch drops in and requests, "a sword that can cut evil demons."

The swordsmith repeats, "A sword that can cut evil demons". He becomes philosophical and comments, "Evil will always thwart evil" and Eyepatch's only hope is, "a sword that was fashioned by me - one with an evil soul."

The step-daughter objects, "Please! My father has used all his strength on his last sword"!
Eyepatch says he needs the sword, "to kill Musashi" (Musashi is the reincarnated great samurai who had nothing to do besides wait to die at age 62). Musashi is also this girl's real father! wtf?

When the girl objects that Musashi is already dead, Eyepatch tells her, "He is back as a ghost. I saw it with my own EYES!

Eyes!! Plural! He is the guy with the eyepatch! He only has one eye. The translator must have been just listening to the dialogue and not paying much attention to the movie's action, which I would totally understand.

Warding off Musashi.

Suddenly the house shakes violently.

Eyepatch:"Do you keep a sword in the house"?

Swordsmith:There is none".

Eyepatch:"Not even a short sword"?

Swordsmith:"There is none"!!

Musashi is approaching until his daughter starts playing the flute, which makes him emotional, and prompts him to leave.

Shito's gay kiss.

The greatest swordsmith in the world agrees to forge the sword. "To destroy that sort of evil spirit, I'm sure that only I can make such a sword" (because he is personally so evil).

This is followed by completely unnecessary footage of the forging process. Two guys pounding metal by fire light. It goes on forever.

The action goes back to Shito and his crew. Shito is talking to the younger guy, telling him he is "too young to be a fully matured spirit of the darkness."

Then he gives him a gay kiss and asks, "Do you understand"?

Lustful encounter.

The younger guy does not understand, because in the next scene, he is approaching a young girl who is playing the flute next to a river in the sunshine. He begins accosting her, and tells her, "I love you!"

She responds, "Alright! Just go away!"

He lets the girl run away; then he begins to cry.

Eyepatch appears and states, "I see there is still some sense left in you...more or less."

The younger guy is crying like a girl now and lamenting, "I feel tormented"! He asks Eyepatch to please kill him.

As Eyepatch is about to cut off the younger guy's head, the younger guy starts singing. This singing affects Eyepatch on some undisclosed level, prompting him to stop and declare, "You must go on living."

Back on the mountaintop, the sword is finally finished, then the master swordsmith dies. He last words were, "If you encounter God, God will be cut. If you encounter an evil spirit, the evil spirit will be cut. This is the greatest sword I ever made."

Eyepatch responds, "I am truly gratified."

All hell is breaking loose in town. The farmer's are rioting. They don't want to pay taxes on lousy farmland and they are rising up against the local magistrates.

Lady Hosokawa takes another form and is telling the head magistrate, "Oh look, my lord! A deer"! Under some magical influence, the magistrate sees deer instead of angry townspeople and he starts shooting them all with arrows! So, if the villagers didn't think highly of him before, they think a lot less of him now.

Crucifixion scene.

Next up is a mass crucifixion scene with angry farmer protesters. It is not clear whether the magistrate still thinks he is crucifying deer, or if he is now crucifying a different group of villagers.

Something possesses one of the female villagers to take her shirt off and go into a frenzy (I couldn't get a good video capture because she was moving around too wildly). Then the crosses begin to glow. The shit hits the fan and Shito convinces the villagers to burn down the shogun's castle.

Glowing crucifixes.

When they all run off, Eyepatch is cremating the dead on a bonfire until he is at last challenged by Musashi. Musashi wants a one-on-one dual on an island beach.

Eyepatch accepts the challenge, despite protests from Musashi's daughter. "It is, perhaps, the way of the sword; and that is the path I have chosen."

Musashi on the beach.

The next day, Eyepatch meets Musashi on the beach. The greatest swordsmith in the world's step-daughter is there as well, playing her flute; hoping to discombobulate Musashi again.

When he hears his daughter's flute-playing, Musashi declares, "I have no room in my heart for tender emotions. Listen to the flute as I smash your skull into thousands of pieces." He is brutal.

Emotional flute music.

This dialogue is followed by a great (and by "great", I mean "boring") sword battle on the beach with flute music in the background. Eyepatch wins. 

The rest of the film is mass chaos. Farmers are burning the shogun's castle. Mass carnage is everywhere. Lots of fire and killing. The estate's Lord is fighting for his life and is getting along fine. He is a great swordsman.

Lord of the estate.

Shito is egging everything on. He fights the estate's Lord and reminds him the whole point of all of this is to avenge the massacred Christians.

Eyepatch shows up to put an end to this nonsense once and for all. Shito tries to tempt him with immortality, but Eyepatch declines; stating, "I do not believe in anyone having eternal life. Above all, I cannot allow you to exist."

When Shito declares, "I intend to turn this entire country to ashes", Eyepatch slices his head right off.

Shito's talking, decapitated head.

Shito catches his own head (!) and it is still running it's mouth, laughing about how Shito will return again.

Then the camera fades out and it is finally over.

Conclusion - This movie was a little bit of everything (i.e. confusing, annoying, boring...). I bought it at my local 99 Cent Store because I loved the cover. The deranged samurai looked promising, but any promise that this movie held was lost even before Chapter 'Hell' - Part 2 got rolling. Even though it only cost 99 cents, I feel ripped off.

[ Reviewed late 2006. ]

Cheap Video Reviews: Under California Stars

Under California Stars.

DVD. 1948.

I picked this up at the 99 Cent Store after reading on the back that Trigger gets kidnapped. My interest was piqued.

While the DVD cover features a black and white still, the actual movie is in full color, so right away I was surprised by this film experience.

Smartest horse in the movies.

Under California Stars opens with footage of the Western range while Bob Nolan & The Sons of the Pioneers sing, "Under California Stars," a fine cowboy song.


Roy's horse, Trigger, gets equal credit to the man himself. They are both billed as the film's two stars. In the credits, Trigger's name carries the byline, "The smartest horse in the movies."

Trigger's trailer.

Roy plays himself in this film, a "cowboy movie star" with a 10 year long career.

As the film opens, Roy is wrapping up a movie shoot and plans to return to his ranch for a 10 year anniversary radio broadcast. He's driving along with Trigger in a horse trailer. After the opening song concludes, we see Roy approach his final destination: The Roy Rogers Ranch.

When they arrive at the ranch, the cowhands all go ape shit. They're running around dropping things and yelling at each other - "Hey, Cookie!...Hey Bob!...I saw him comin'!...He's comin' down the road!!"

"I wonder if Roy & Trigger changed since they became movie stars?"

Roy's home!

"Not Roy! He'll always be the same old horse rancher."

Suddenly, Cookie starts playing the piano and they all spontaneously break into song. And in this case, that particular song is called, "Roy Rogers, the King of the Cowboys."

As Roy walks in to see singing cowboys, his face just completely lightens up as if he'd just entered paradise itself.

After greeting everybody, they all run out to put Roy's car in the garage and let Trigger out of the Trailer. They are something like servants and this film is very much about Roy being a wealthy big shot. He hires and fires people all over the place when he isn't riding horses around on his ranch. It is always clear that everybody else in Roy's circle is employed by Roy. This may have been a 10th anniversary film (that is an ongoing theme) and perhaps he is just celebrating his success. There certainly is nothing shady about him. He just owns everything.

A talk with Cookie.

Next, Roy has a private talk with Cookie after learning that Cookie has hired a bunch of his cousins to work on the ranch. Nepotism doesn't sit well with Roy and he starts in on Cookie, "Cookie, if you don't quit hiring your relatives..." But the threat is interrupted by excited ranch hands. Apparently somebody has been abducting wild horses for their meat and hides. While this is not illegal, Roy and his posse head out to make sure they aren't taking any of Roy's ranch horses.

Roy sees a man lasso a horse, then knock it unconscious by whacking it in the head with a rifle butt! When the man sees Roy, he sneers, "Well Well...I should've known. Roy Rogers, the movie cowboy."

Roy immediately beats the shit out of this man, proving he is the real deal.

Pop Jordan's.

The criminal element in this movie centers around Pop Jordan's ("Horses Bought and Sold") and the film takes us over there next, where we meet Pop Jordan himself, an otherwise upstanding citizen who is thieving horses on the side. We also meet the film's young protagonist, Ted Carver & his dog, Tramp. Tramp jumps up on Pop's desk, causing Pop to exclaim, "Get that flea-bitten Australian coyote out of here!!!", which is a pretty funny thing for a guy to say.

It is in Pop Jordan's shop where the head horse thief, 'Lije (as in Elijah - he is also Ted Carver's step father) get the big idea to kidnap Trigger for a ransom.

Carolyn, the attractive horse trainer.

Back at Roy's Ranch, we meet another of Cookie's cousins, the attractive Carolyn who Cookie has hired as a horse trainer.

When she meets Roy face to face, Carolyn passes out from excitement. Roy catches her & comments to Cookie, "I can tell she's your relative; she weighs a ton".

Cut to the next day - Cookie is looking for the ranch hands and finds them all slacking in the stable. All the cowboys are hanging out in Trigger's stable, just adoring this great horse. One is brushing Trigger's mane, and the rest are playing cards. They all begin singing a cowboy ballad about "the cowboy and the coyote" and it's a fine song.

Roy enters the stable during the song and it just brings joy to Roy Rogers' heart when he hears cowboys singing. He is utterly delighted.

"As long as you haven't run away from home."

Next, Roy spots Ted Carver & his dog, Tramp. He picks them up, one at a time, and sits them on a bale of hay. Ted wants a job working for Roy and Roy doesn't mind at all, "as long as you haven't run away from home."

Back at Pop's, 'Lije is being reemed out - "That kid of yours is up at Rogers Ranch, asking about a job!"

The cattle rustlers decide to take advantage of the situation to get ahold of Trigger. They visit the ranch and act thrilled that the kid will be working and living with Roy instead of living at home with his step-father, which I guess would be perfectly reasonable in the cowboy subculture:

Ted: "You mean I can stay? You aren't mad at me?"
'Lije: "For runnin' away? NOoo! Noooo!!"

The film's big moment of levity occurs in the form of a race between horse and dog. Trigger and Tramp race each other, running down a long dirt road at full speed. The little dog is going so fast, you can hardly see his feet and everyone is going crazy yelling, "C'mon, Trigger!!" and "C'mon, Tramp!!"  Of course, Trigger wins.

10th anniversary radio broadcast.

Cut to Roy's 10th anniversary radio broadcast - Roy cuts a cake and comments, "It's so pretty, I kinda hate to cut it". Then, of course, he leads a chorus of cowboys in song.

While otherwise good-natured and sort of a harmless buffoon, Cookie may be part German as well, because he holds no love for children at all. During the celebration, we see Cookie smack Ted's hand when he makes a grab for a piece of cake. Under the table, however, Cookie is feeding cake to the boy's dog, Tramp. At another point in the film, Cookie says to Roy (regarding Ted), "He's not one of us! We were bigger than him when we were born!"

A bloody gash.

What a thing to say!

Rough stuff.

During this celebration of Roy's career, however; back on Roy's ranch, the kidnappers are going after Trigger! They also rough up Ted, and pistol-whip the dog, Tramp, right in the head; leaving a realistic bloody gash.

They tell Ted that if he mentions anything about this, they're going to blow his head off.

The capture of Trigger.

Horse Thieving Tip -  As the kidnappers approach Trigger, their leader exclaims, "Not that way! He'll kick your brains out! Rope that mare and lead her out, he'll follow her.

So they lasso Trigger, who rears up on his hind legs heroically, but to no avail.

The headlines!

The next day's headline reads: "Trigger Kidnaped".

Pop's ransom note.

The radio announcer describes widespread searches, "by plane, automobile, and horse".
Meanwhile, Pop is hard at work on a ransom note.

One rustler (the one who Roy beat up earlier) opines, "$100,000?? I think that's too high! Why don't we ask for $10,000?". He apparently doesn't appreciate Trigger's celebrity value. Roy arranges for his Hollywood movie studio deliver him $100,000 and then sings Ted Carver a sad cowboy lullaby in Spanish.

This moment of peace is short lived as the rustler (the one who Roy beat up earlier) breaks up the song at gunpoint. He tries to undercut Pop and says he'll tell Roy where Trigger is for $10,000 instead of $100,000.

Then he is promptly shot through the window. Right in the back! For double-dealing!

Cookie has been writing the movie's title song, "Under California Stars", but is too choked up to perform it. Then, like that wasn't bad enough, the sheriff refuses to let Roy pay the ransom because he doesn't want to encourage the rustlers to pull similar stunts in the future. Even though Roy is freaking rich and argues that $100,000 is nothing compared to Trigger's life; he does finally see the sheriff's point. So they hatch a plan to use fake money and trace it back to the kidnappers.

"Under California Stars."

Before they set off though, Roy joins Carolyn in a verse of Cookie's "Under California Stars".

Roy likes the song so much he agrees to use it in his movie. He then fires Cookie for "writing songs on ranch time", then immediately hires him to come to Hollywood as his song-writer.

Cookie faints just like his cousin Carolyn did earlier. Roy has that kind of power over people. As Cookie recovers, he is murmuring, "Hollywood. Swimming pools. Lights. Girls!"

Then everyone goes after the kidnappers. Well, there's a lot of crap footage here, then finally the counterfeiters bullwhip Trigger until he goes inside their cabin so nobody sees him. Trigger finally complies, but only after bringing his hooves down on one man, crippling him for life.

When they discover the ransom money is counterfeit, it is time to kill Trigger. 'Lije pulls out a shotgun (though I find it impossible to accept somebody would shoot a horse with a shotgun INSIDE a cabin - that just seems crazy to me). He comments to the other horse thieves, "Boys, get your shovels. We gotta bury the evidence."

Horse following dog.

Suddenly, Ted Carver shows up with the real ransom money. He hands it over in exchange for Trigger's life. Pop decides to take the money & burn the cabin down with Trigger & Ted inside it. The guy that Trigger crippled yells out, "Hey! How about me!! I can't move!" Then he is immediately shot.

Now, on the day that Pop wrote Trigger's ransom note, Ted Carver & Tramp visited his office. Tramp got in the trash as usual and now Roy discover's where Tramp stockpiles all the garbage he steals.
While going through various items and laughing - Pop's glove, a boot - Roy finds the newspaper cut up for the ransom note! And he goes apeshit! No time to sing, they are on their way!!!

More horses following horse.

Tramp is let out of the house because they know he'll run straight to Ted Carver, wherever he may be.

The next scene is thrilling!! It consists of a dog running full speed with Roy Rogers following on a horse, and finally about ten cowboys chasing after Roy.

So, to make things short, big shoot out, big chase scene - finally 'Lije and Pop are the only ones unaccounted for. 'Lije shoots Pop on the Northern Trail and Roy hears the shot and beats the shit out of 'Lije.

Then suddenly, Pop reappears and hoots 'Lije for double crossing him and then dies from his wounds, so everybody is happy.

Happy Trails, Roy!

Next thing we know, Roy is heading back to Hollywood with Ted Carver up front and his new song-writer, Cookie, in the back with the dog, Tramp. The ranch-hands stay behind, keeping an eye on things until Roy's return.

Comments - Under California Stars was ok. It had its moments and a couple of enjoyable musical numbers. Definitely worth 99 cents.

I admire Roy and I also really liked the film's strong "Don't be a double-crosser" message, though Cookie often over-acted. This makes me think I might enjoy other Roy Rogers films. We may or may not ever know.

[ Reviewed February, 2006. ]