Malfoy Photo Bomb

Visited Harry Potter Land at Universal Studios and look who was strolling along behind us!

When we got back home, Ericka and I ate at Olive Garden dressed in our wizard robes and our waitress asked what they meant. Apparently, the staff were speculating that we were in a cult!

Cheap Video Reviews: Wild Guitar

Wild Guitar.

Wild Guitar opens with a teenager riding a motorcycle around Los Angeles, California. He's wearing a leather jacket and the viewer can't help but to assume this teenager is probably looking for trouble. As the biker rolls into town, the viewer is treated to a series of black & white Los Angeles street scenes from what must be the early 1960s. These historic scenes are interspersed with footage of the motorcycling teenager; who will, unfortunately, probably turn out to be our story's hero.

The motorcycling Teenager.

The teenager decides to check out the scene. He parks his motorcycle somewhere and starts walking around town. Apparently he is not local to Los Angeles because he's carrying a suitcase and engaging in a great deal of rubbernecking.

Hollywood Blvd.

At one point, while crossing the street, his suitcase falls open and his laundry falls into the street; so he has to repack in front of a shitload of impatient drivers as they unmercifully honk their car horns at him. He is not a city guy.

The teenager stops to check out the Capitol Records building and longingly adores it for awhile, then he strolls on down Hollywood Blvd., stopping for a moment to admire a neon Dean Martin sign outside "Dino's Lounge". At this point, he seems inspired and runs a comb through his hair. Despite his difficult adjustment period, this trip is turning out to be worth it after all.

Dino.

Now it's time for refreshment. Our hero drops by the Coffee Cup Cafe which is staffed by a no-nonsense straight-talking waitress named Marge. Off to the side, there are three lowlifes playing cards in plaid jackets. When they see our hero, the lowlifes are less than impressed.

Lowlife 1: "What's that"??
Lowlife 2: "Me thinks it's a Hick"!

Lowlife 3: "Yeah! A HICK"!

Three lowlifes.

These clowns are obviously douchebags who have nothing better to do all day than run their mouths.

Just to show they mean business though, one of the lowlifes mutters, "Hit me" during the card game.

Another replies, "OK", and punches him right in the face. You wouldn't want to mess around with these guys.

Seated at the counter is a perky blond girl. Our hero sits down right next to her.

Perky blonde girl.

The blond girl is talking to Marge the waitress about how she just got a role on the "Hell Kitten" TV program. In front of her is an untouched sandwich. She comments, "I just wanted to feed the butterflies. I'm not hungry". At first I thought this scene was supposed to show how nice the girl was. Now, during my reflections as I type this, I realize butterflies don't eat sandwiches and the butterflies she was talking about were in her stomach. She was talking about being nervous before her appearance on "Hell Kitten". This movie had no butterflies in it at all.

"Who needs freeways anyway?"

Back to our hero: He is discouraged by the menu prices and orders a donut and coffee. Marge tells him he forgot the tax: "You forgot the tax! A penny for the governor!"

When she sees he's broke, Marge covers it from her tip jar and makes a shitty comment: "Who needs freeways anyway"?

This may be the reason she gives our hero a girl's cup to drink from.

Well, of course the blond girl gives our hero her sandwich since she wasn't hungry anyway. As she gets up, she trips over our hero's guitar; which he has left laying on its side, protruding out into the walkway.

The blond girl doesn't get mad at all. She just asks our hero if he's a musician. He affirms he is.

Blond Girl: "I read somewhere about the thousands of kids we come to Hollywood each year, but I forget the exact number".

It is obvious to everybody that our hero is from out of town.

Our hero feels some pressure to make himself stand out in the crowd, so he produces a letter from the manager of a local radio station, "in Spearfish", who used to put him on the air.

Well, nobody is impressed. The viewer is treated to a series of closeups of everybody in the diner (even young children, who apparently know all about geography) looking puzzled and inquiring, "Spearfish"?

We learn that Spearfish is in South Dakota, much to the amusement of the L.A. locals.

The blond girl comments, "I'm still tryin' to get my foot in the door and I was born here.

This doesn't faze our hero and the blond girl turns out to be sympathetic since he's such a nice guy, especially when compared to the card-playing lowlifes. She invites him to join her during her appearance on the "Hell Kitten" television program.

"I'll be back for this later."

Our hero decides to bring his guitar and the letter from Spearfish. He also leaves his suitcase behind the diner counter with the Marge the waitress (!).

As the couple is leaving, we finally learn their names. The blond girl is named "Vicki Will" and our hero's name is "Bud Eagle". "Spelled just like the bird", he helpfully adds.

Hell Kitten.

The next scene opens with Vicki Will dancing on the Hell Kitten television program. It's pretty gratuitous. The dance goes on for almost an entire song, which is an upbeat beach music instrumental.

Backstage, another band is prepared to play, but the sax player isn't feeling well. The context of the scene suggests that he actually threw up into the bell of his own saxaphone!

Big shots are watching.

All the Big Shots of Los Angeles happen to be watching this show, and the host goes into a panic backstage. He has to fill the dead air with something entertaining!

Of course, Bud steps up. He walks right out on stage, forgetting his guitar due to nervousness. After retrieving his guitar from Vicki, he returns to the stage only to fall on his face after tripping over a power cord.

Everybody in the audience thinks this is hilarious. They carry on like it's the funniest thing they've ever seen in their lives. This kid is obviously from a small town.

Bud's performance.

Well, Bud isn't fazed at all. He's remarkably good-natured. The sick saxophone player's band is still standing around on stage and Bud walks right up to the show's host, who announces, "Well, I see you brought your own band. Let's fly"! And fly they do, performing sort of a half-assed rockabilly tune:

You're so sweet and you're so fine
You put an arrow right in my mind.

Bud's powerful stage presence wins the audience over completely. The crowd rushes the stage! The The Big Shot's phones are ringing off their cradles! The Big Shot announces, "There's our next hit"!

Back at the studio, Vicki is completely impressed. "Bud, you were wonderful! You've really got a sound"!

Washed-up Don Proctor.

The head big shot who was watching the show just happens to be Mr. Mike McCauley, "the biggest agent in Hollywood" and he wants to talk to Bud! It's also suggested that Mr. McCauley cooks the books. The viewer is treated to a scene in which an angry drunk named Don Proctor tries to get Mr. McCauley to show him the accounting books.

Apparently, Don proctor is a celebrity in his own right, because Bud is thrilled as hell when he sees him: "That's Don Proctor"! McCauley just gives Proctor the brush off though.

Bud's Hollywood pad.

McCauley insists that Bud call him "Mike" instead of "Mr. McCauley". He also informs Bud, "I don't want to handle anyone who thinks they know more about this business than me." Bud is agreeable to this arrangement, so McCauley agrees to manage his career. He even hooks Bud up with an apartment with a swimming pool that very night.

Bud: "I'll try to pay you back."

Mike: "Oh, you will!"

In addition to an apartment, Mike McCauley provides Bud with the services of a hardened thug named,"Steak." At first, I thought it was, "Snake," but it is, "Steak." Steak is a bad guy. He says Steak can get Bud anything he wants. Steak is commonly depicted next to a bottle of liquor in this movie.

"Steak."

Mike: "Now look, kid! Let's get something straight right now! When I said I do the thinking, that's what I meant!!"

Mike is controlling. When Bud announces his intentions to drop by the Coffee Cup Cafe so he can retrieve his suitcase and talk to Vicki, Mike McCauley suddenly goes apeshit.

McCauley really makes Bud feel stupid for wanting to retrieve his suitcase. He even decides he doesn't want to manage him any more. Bud ultimately apologizes and agrees to only do what McCauley tells him to. McCauley sends Steak to pick up Bud's suitcase and tells Steak to, "lose that guitar. It's probably got termites."

In this scene, we also learn that Bud's main reason for going into the music business is so he can make enough money to keep his brother Ted in college.

Waiting around for Bud.

Back at the Coffee Cup Cafe, Vicki and Marge are wondering where the hell Bud's at.

Steak darkens their doorway and gives Vicki a dollar bill to cover the sandwich she provided for Bud earlier.

Steak: "The kid doesn't want any loose ends."

After Steak leaves, Vicki & the waitress figure that Bud probably was an asshole after all.

Now that all the characters have been introduced, the story can really get rolling.

There's a short scene between Bud & Steak which takes place the next morning:

Steak: "I ordered you a steak".
Bud: [thrilled] "A steak for breakfast"?
Steak: "What else is there"?

Steak is trying to impress Bud with what a high roller he is, but that's the least of his deceptions. He also tells Bud that Vicki wasn't waiting for him at the Coffee Cup Cafe. Steak suggests Vicki was probably jealous that Mike McCauley signed Bud instead of her.

Mike McCauley goes over the published reviews of Bud's performance on the "Hell Kitten" show:

McCauley: "Four record companies are waving contracts."
Bud: "Four record companies"?
McCauley: "I put that in there. You can't believe anything you read."

McCauley presents Bud with a brand new electric guitar and this moment is one of the highlights of Bud's young life. McCauley also provides a band, some new suits, and a stack of songs. Bud has some of his own songs too and, despite the band's initial skepticism, they're better than anything McCauley could provide.

The viewer is treated to a series of close-up shots of everybody having the time of their lives.

"I'm getting taller every day."

Bud sings, "I'm getting to be a big boy now. I'm getting taller every day." Everybody loves this.

The camera close-ups start to swirl and they ultimately fade into a shot of a record swirling on the player. As the camera pans out, we see Steak is listening to it on a small record player.

He and Mike McCauley are up to no good. They're even sending fake letters from Bud's brother Ted and keeping the money that Bud is supposed to be sending home.

Good times.

While Mike McCauley is wheeling and dealing over the phone, Steak is standing by a light fixture. He keeps fooling around with the lamps, suggesting that he can't control his impulses as well as a regular civilized person can.

Steak screwing around with the lamp.

Over at the Coffee Cup Cafe, Bud's latest single is playing on the jukebox and the card-playing lowlifes are dancing around and generally enjoying themselves in their plaid jackets.

Vicki at the record store.

Vicki and Marge are still talking about Bud. Vicki comments, "Marge, he's the most"!

Vicki decides to go out and buy Bud's record. There's a life-sized cardboard cut-out of Bud next to his record display and Vicki is just crazy about it.

Back at the office, Mike McCauley has gathered the presidents of all Bud's local high school fan clubs. They're talking business and McCauley offers them a percentage if they can increase product sales. 

"I think he's cute."

McCauley is running kind of an informal focus group, asking their opinion about Bud and a girl replies, "I think he's cute."

McCauley: "Sure he is! He's got appeal"! Mccauley is benefitting immensely from this focus group.

McCauley asks what they could do to increase Bud's popularity nationwide.

"He's got appeal."

Girl in focus group: "What about tearing off his clothes"?

Guy in focus group: "That's for squares."

Girl in focus group: "I think it's effective."

They discuss what kind of fad they should start and agree on feathers since bud's last name is Eagle. McCauley is cheap though and says they don't have to use actual eagle feathers. They could use chicken feathers instead

Bud's big entrance.

Next, Bud makes his big entrance. He's wearing a brand new pair of white slacks.

McCauley is getting all worked up, "Payola! Buzzola! Just call it ola"!

Bud doesn't go for this business talk and he's also suspicious that the letters from his brother Ted don't sound like Ted at all.

Bud wants out. he starts packing his suitcase.

Ever the quick thinker, McCauley gets involved: Steak! Bring him a Coke!"

McCauley starts telling Bud all about how the music business works.

Show business success.

Bud: "You can't just force people to like me."

McCauley: "Life is just a big game of follow the leader."

Bud comments that they couldn't manipulate his brother Ted. Brother Ted is no sheep. He's a guy everybody looks up to.

McCauley objects that Bud cannot leave because he hasn't covered McCauley's expenses yet and estimates they will be even in six months. Bud agrees to stick it out.

"He's singing about me!"

Bud: "We're gonna hit this town like mad"!

The next scene suggests the passing of time and a big increase in revenue.

While watching Bud perform on a television program, Vicki Will realizes Bud's latest song is about her!

Bud & Vicki: Together again!

Since she lives in Hollywood, she just gets up and runs to the studio on foot. When she finds Bud, she gives him a huge kiss.

Steak is spying on them from behind a bunch of hanging beads and he's appalled at their reunion.

They compare notes and realize that Steak was lying about her not waiting for Bud to return to the cafe on the first night they met

Steak is appalled.

 Then they decide to go skating. It turns out, Vicki's father owns a skating rink.

Bud assures Vicki he's a very good skater, but this turns out he was exaggerating.

Bud can scarcely stay on his feet when wearing ice skates. He tells Vicki he thought she meant it was a roller skating rink, because he's a hell of a roller skater.

Vicki on ice.

Vicki takes this moment to show off a little bit. She is practically an olympic level ice skater. I couldn't really get a good photo, because she moves so fast and is so white. This scene seemed gratuitous.

After her ice skating show, Vicki winks at Bud. Bud staggers around, then they start making out.

Back at the office, McCauley and Steak are discussing Bud's upcoming national tour and his reunion with Vicki.

McCauley: "If he wants a girl, get one for him."

Steak: "How about Daisy?"

Daisy must be some piece of work for a guy like Steak to recommend her so highly. The viewer can hardly wait.

While Bud is practicing the guitar in his apartment with the lights off, washed-up Don Proctor wanders in, making a comment about McCauley being too cheap to buy light bulbs. He goes ahead and takes a seat at Bud's bar.

Don Proctor: Telling it like it is.

Proctor: [pours drink] "Join me?"
Bud: "No, thanks."
Proctor: "Not yet, huh? You will."

Proctor is an alright guy. He starts telling Bud all about Mccauley's shady ways and the shady nature of the music business itself. He hates being one of McCauley's "trained seals."

Bud knows all about Proctor's musical career, he even has some of his records at home. He asks Proctor a little bit about his personal life.

Proctor: "It's not a long story, but a very tiresome one.
Not long ago, the fashion was for dark wavy-haired singers like me. Now it's kids. you don't even have to hear the words."

Proctor tells bud about McCauley's "golden leash" in which McCauley gives his performers everything they need, but no cash, so they can't leave.

Proctor: "Every cent you bring in goes out in expenses."
Bud: "How do I know you aren't just saying that because..."
Proctor: "Because I'm a drunk? A has been?? You don't, kid."

Steak & Daisy.

Luckily, this awkward moment doesn't last long because Steak shows up with Daisy!

Steak: "Kid, this is Daisy. She's gonna teach you how to swing."

Daisy is extremely direct. She is practically giving Bud a lap dance and she can really shake it! She has jewels on her nylons!

Don Proctor R.I.P.

Off on the sidelines, Steak and Don Proctor are getting into an altercation. Steak actually pulls a handgun on Proctor, but doesn't have a chance to use if before Proctor dies from falling down the stairs. This arrangement suits Steak just fine.

Things quickly go from bad to worse as Vicki barges into the apartment and finds Bud on the couch with Daisy, who is practically blowing him.

"Vicki!"

Well, shit. The party's over and everyone scatters. Vicki leaves in tears. Bud is wandering around outside. Steak slaps Daisy in the face for letting Bud get away.

What else could go wrong? The three lowlifes with plaid jackets from the cafe are in the bushes outside Bud's house and they decide to kidnap Bud. They plan to hold him in exchange for a lousy $5,000. The thugs are pretty inept. One of them is holding a long range rifle against Bud's chest. They don't have cars either, so they're all walking through Los Angeles holding a rifle to a back of a famous rock star.

"Let's go all the way!"

Well, that plan is so crazy, it actually works. In the next scene, they're back in the low-life's clubhouse writing the ransom note. Bud sees this as a chance to screw McCauley, so he suggests he ought to be worth $15,000 at least.

Hollywood's shady music business is making strange bedfellows. Bud has practically joined the gang. The gang leader even asks Bud for his autograph. They request that $15,000 should be left in a paper sack in the garbage can behind the Coffee Cup Cafe. 

When a low-life suggests they split the money four ways, Bud says he doesn't want any of it.

The ransom pick-up goes down, but Steak follows the lowlifes back to their clubhouse. He's a beast! Steak single-handedly beats the shit out of all of them. He recovers the money and McCauley passes the whole thing off as a publicity stunt. We see him on the phone telling somebody what a clever guy he is.

A day or two later at the Coffee Cup Cafe, Vicki is talking to Marge the waitress like she seems to do every day of the week. Marge has hired a new worker, "a drifter", she says. Vicki advises her to be careful.

"Bud!"

As the worker walks out from the kitchen, we see it is Bud! He's making an honest living and wearing a chef's hat!

Vicki can't help bringing up the night when Daisy was practically blowing Bud on the couch.

Vicki: "You seemed to be enjoying it! Did you?"

Bud: "NO!!"

Marge is eavesdropping.

Vicki: "I'm glad."

All is forgiven. Marge is eavesdropping and seems to be glad the couple are getting on with their relationship. 

Back at the office, McCauley is wheeling and dealing like usual. Steak is hanging around looking surly.

Suddenly a guy walks in asking for $20.00. He's wearing a colonel sanders tie and he threatens to tell the papers that Bud's kidnapping wasn't a publicity stunt if McCauley doesn't give him $20.00. For another $20.00, he tells McCauley that Bud is working at the Coffee Cup Cafe.

McCauley and Steak approach Bud after work and a lively discussion erupts. McCauley practically admits to cooking the books. Bud says he will work for McCauley again only on the condition they start with a new set of open accounting books. He also wants no part of any payola scheme, otherwise Bud will hire a new manager.

McCauley slaps Bud in the face, demanding, "You sing for me or you sing for no one!"  McCauley threatens to spread shady rumors about Bud in his hometown if he hires a new manager. Then he makes some vague and creepy threats regarding Vicki.

About this time, somebody yells out, "Hey Bud, we're out of tape"! It is the guy with the Colonal Sanders tie, who we discover is Bud's brother Ted! McCauley realizes he's been set up and his threats have been tape recorded on the very tape recorder he bought for Bud earlier in the film. There's a quick free-for-all where Bud beats the crap out of Steak, then cooler heads prevail.

"Twist Fever."

Well, what's a guy to do? Surprisingly, Bud still wants to work with McCauley as long as he cleans up his act. McCauley's intelligence and connections are just irreplaceable. They shake on the new honest business arrangement. If McCauley goes crooked again, Bud will release the tape to the police.

The final scene of the film treats us to kind of a music video of Bud's latest single, Twist Fever - "She's got twist fever and I just can't leave her alone." 

Dancing with abandon.

Vicki is his personal dancer now and she is by his side throughout his performance.

The kids are loving it! Everybody's having a ball and in one scene, we see them tucking real eagle feathers into the seat of Bud's motorcycle.

Conclusion - This movie was half of a two-film DVD I picked up at Dollar Tree in Santa Ana. It was worth the 50 cents I paid for it.

[ Reviewed December, 2007. ]

Cheap Video Reviews: Samurai: Reincarnation

Samurai: Reincarnation

Samurai: Reincarnation opens with Chapter 'Hell' - Part 1 where we get a history lesson about a battle between Christians and Shoguns 350 years ago in which the Shoguns killed 20,000 Christians and then cut a lot of their heads in half so they could claim they killed 45,000.

Samurai entertainer.

Cut to a Samurai celebration party, and it's not your typical party scene.  Everybody is sitting around quietly by a fire, still wearing their armor. The entertainment is a guy doing tai chi with a sword. For a celebration, it’s pretty low energy; even with the inclusion of decapitated Christian head trophies hanging in the background, occasionally illuminated by lightning flashes even though it isn’t raining.

Out of nowhere, one of the heads defies gravity, zooms across the room and into the bonfire, which emits a shower of sparks. When the smoke clears, all the samurai are either dead or unconscious. The only guy left standing is our tai chi swordsman. He casually strolls off the stage like it's just another day at the office. Oh, and he pets one of the Christian heads, because why not?

Petting a Christian head.

Now, the guy begins speaking, in badly dubbed English. It is apparent he is possessed by a spirit and is not the same guy who was doing tai chi with a sword earlier. Now he is just a vessel for a ghost. Turns out, he's a fallen Christian, reincarnated as a samurai, and he's got vengeance on his mind.  He begins crying and wailing about how he will avenge the fallen Christians, "As of tonight, I shall part with you, my brothers...So be it, I swear! Hear me in Heaven! From this moment on, I shall abandon you! There shall be no brotherly love! I shall do what you failed to do! I shall wreck a vengeance on the entire world"!

Chapter 'Hell' - Part 2 takes us to "Kumamoto - In the Realm of Higo"; specifically at, "Taisho-Ji - Lord Hosokawa's Family Temple". The reincarnated samurai (I think his name is Shito) is conducting an occult ceremony.

Shito's occult ceremony.

Shito's got a woman's body lying on the floor, and he's channeling the spirit of Hosokawa's dead wife. After the possessed body settles down, they have a chat,

Shito:"I have come here to fulfill your pathetic prayer to be reborn in the world of the living".

Woman:"Oh, you ignorant fool" [laughs].

They go on and on, then Shito comments, "Your reputation for chastity is dimmed by having lived days of carnage with your husband". Days of Carnage!

Lady Hosokawa as she was before.

Their dialogue goes back and forth, and Shito drops lines like, 'Your reputation for chastity is dimmed by having lived days of carnage with your husband.' Yep, days of carnage! Shito knows Lady Hosokawa pretty well because he adds, 'You were obliged to die in a most reluctant manner.' Cue a flashback where Lord Hosokawa is upset because his Christian wife stopped sleeping with him, so he arranged her fiery demise.

Chapter 'Hell' - Part 3 consists of a master swordsman sitting in his samurai armor lamenting that he has, "Nothing to do but wait until age 62 to die of old age", since nobody can kill him in battle.

After an extensive rambling monologue, the master swordsman is approached by Shito and Lady Hosokawa; who are going around reincarnating people into a private army. When approached about the prospect of reincarnation, the master swordsman swings his sword then falls down for no apparent reason. Shito then reincarnates him. Maybe they should just call this, "possession," rather than "reincarnation." 

Finally, to end everything on an up note, a guy wearing an eyepatch barges in and disrupts everything, then leaves.

An apparent misogynist.

Chapter 'Hell' - Part 4: By this point in the film, I start realizing that all the chapters of this movie will be "Hell" chapters. Maybe it was intended to be a trilogy with this film being the "Hell" segment. Well, it is that.

This chapter opens with a guy passing two women on a staircase. He says, "Wait", under his breath then suddenly murders both of them out of the blue. Then we see everything return to as it was before. The murder only occurred in the man's mind. He is, apparently, a misogynist.

Murder victim.

Things go from bad to weird fast as a veiled woman approaches from the left. She is laughing at the misogynist, "Ha Ha Ha!! Why are you always dreaming of killing females"?

She opens her veil to reveal that she either has a ghost head or is wearing a ghost mask; then her voice booms, like an announcer yelling through a megaphone, "Why restrain yourself from sexual desire? The female skin is beautiful." At this point, she shows the man her breasts.

After seeing the ghost's breasts, the misogynist tries to kill the ghost, but she is too fast for him. He ends the chase and proclaims, "All the aesthetic practice I've done could not put out the flame of my carnal desire". Then he stabs himself.

The ghost reveals herself as Lady Hosokawa before the dying misogynist. This is somehow significant, but I wasn't paying enough attention to pick up on any subtleties.

Chapter 'Hell' - Part 5: This part is set in a secret Iga Ninja village: A younger guy walks into the Ninja village with kids swarming all around him. One of the kids asks, "Did you bring a rabbit"? The dubbed English voice was that of an adult, so it was weird to hear a kid talk like that.

The guy smiles and pulls a rabbit out of his shirt for the kids. Everything is fine until the village is suddenly bombarded by flaming arrows. There's a big battle scene, but nothing worth saving video captures of. For a battle scene, it was pretty unremarkable.

Shito and his crew are still going around reincarnating dead and dying people, so of course they show up here. They approach the younger guy this time. When he asks why Shito chose him for reincarnation; Shito says he chose him, "out of sympathy" but doesn't offer any further explanation.

Eyepatch.

Suddenly, the guy with the eye patch reappears! Shito's crew charges Eyepatch on horseback, but he jumps straight up in a tree so they can't reach him.

Shito asks, "When did you turn into a monkey"? Shito's crew thinks this is hilarious and everybody is laughing their asses off. They ride off with some parting words, "We'll meet again in the future."

Eyepatch says to himself, "Something strange is about to happen."

I stopped keeping track of the Chapter 'Hell' divisions at this point. Just trying to watch the movie took all my energy.

Around this point is where the whole subplot began about Shito sowing discontent among the Shogun's people. They are living in a feudal system in which they pay taxes to the shogun in exchange for permission to farm the land he owns. So, Shito starts cursing the land by occult means. He is chanting over a fire while one of his crew is dropping snakes into the flame.

Shito: "Wheat will whither and die. Soil will rot. Ameeeeen."

Greatest swordsmith in the world.

Now the scene changes and we see Eyepatch visiting the greatest swordsmith in the world who is living in exile on a mountaintop with his step-daughter who plays the flute.

Eyepatch drops in and requests, "a sword that can cut evil demons."

The swordsmith repeats, "A sword that can cut evil demons". He becomes philosophical and comments, "Evil will always thwart evil" and Eyepatch's only hope is, "a sword that was fashioned by me - one with an evil soul."

The step-daughter objects, "Please! My father has used all his strength on his last sword"!
Eyepatch says he needs the sword, "to kill Musashi" (Musashi is the reincarnated great samurai who had nothing to do besides wait to die at age 62). Musashi is also this girl's real father! wtf?

When the girl objects that Musashi is already dead, Eyepatch tells her, "He is back as a ghost. I saw it with my own EYES!

Eyes!! Plural! He is the guy with the eyepatch! He only has one eye. The translator must have been just listening to the dialogue and not paying much attention to the movie's action, which I would totally understand.

Warding off Musashi.

Suddenly the house shakes violently.

Eyepatch:"Do you keep a sword in the house"?

Swordsmith:There is none".

Eyepatch:"Not even a short sword"?

Swordsmith:"There is none"!!

Musashi is approaching until his daughter starts playing the flute, which makes him emotional, and prompts him to leave.

Shito's gay kiss.

The greatest swordsmith in the world agrees to forge the sword. "To destroy that sort of evil spirit, I'm sure that only I can make such a sword" (because he is personally so evil).

This is followed by completely unnecessary footage of the forging process. Two guys pounding metal by fire light. It goes on forever.

The action goes back to Shito and his crew. Shito is talking to the younger guy, telling him he is "too young to be a fully matured spirit of the darkness."

Then he gives him a gay kiss and asks, "Do you understand"?

Lustful encounter.

The younger guy does not understand, because in the next scene, he is approaching a young girl who is playing the flute next to a river in the sunshine. He begins accosting her, and tells her, "I love you!"

She responds, "Alright! Just go away!"

He lets the girl run away; then he begins to cry.

Eyepatch appears and states, "I see there is still some sense left in you...more or less."

The younger guy is crying like a girl now and lamenting, "I feel tormented"! He asks Eyepatch to please kill him.

As Eyepatch is about to cut off the younger guy's head, the younger guy starts singing. This singing affects Eyepatch on some undisclosed level, prompting him to stop and declare, "You must go on living."

Back on the mountaintop, the sword is finally finished, then the master swordsmith dies. He last words were, "If you encounter God, God will be cut. If you encounter an evil spirit, the evil spirit will be cut. This is the greatest sword I ever made."

Eyepatch responds, "I am truly gratified."

All hell is breaking loose in town. The farmer's are rioting. They don't want to pay taxes on lousy farmland and they are rising up against the local magistrates.

Lady Hosokawa takes another form and is telling the head magistrate, "Oh look, my lord! A deer"! Under some magical influence, the magistrate sees deer instead of angry townspeople and he starts shooting them all with arrows! So, if the villagers didn't think highly of him before, they think a lot less of him now.

Crucifixion scene.

Next up is a mass crucifixion scene with angry farmer protesters. It is not clear whether the magistrate still thinks he is crucifying deer, or if he is now crucifying a different group of villagers.

Something possesses one of the female villagers to take her shirt off and go into a frenzy (I couldn't get a good video capture because she was moving around too wildly). Then the crosses begin to glow. The shit hits the fan and Shito convinces the villagers to burn down the shogun's castle.

Glowing crucifixes.

When they all run off, Eyepatch is cremating the dead on a bonfire until he is at last challenged by Musashi. Musashi wants a one-on-one dual on an island beach.

Eyepatch accepts the challenge, despite protests from Musashi's daughter. "It is, perhaps, the way of the sword; and that is the path I have chosen."

Musashi on the beach.

The next day, Eyepatch meets Musashi on the beach. The greatest swordsmith in the world's step-daughter is there as well, playing her flute; hoping to discombobulate Musashi again.

When he hears his daughter's flute-playing, Musashi declares, "I have no room in my heart for tender emotions. Listen to the flute as I smash your skull into thousands of pieces." He is brutal.

Emotional flute music.

This dialogue is followed by a great (and by "great", I mean "boring") sword battle on the beach with flute music in the background. Eyepatch wins. 

The rest of the film is mass chaos. Farmers are burning the shogun's castle. Mass carnage is everywhere. Lots of fire and killing. The estate's Lord is fighting for his life and is getting along fine. He is a great swordsman.

Lord of the estate.

Shito is egging everything on. He fights the estate's Lord and reminds him the whole point of all of this is to avenge the massacred Christians.

Eyepatch shows up to put an end to this nonsense once and for all. Shito tries to tempt him with immortality, but Eyepatch declines; stating, "I do not believe in anyone having eternal life. Above all, I cannot allow you to exist."

When Shito declares, "I intend to turn this entire country to ashes", Eyepatch slices his head right off.

Shito's talking, decapitated head.

Shito catches his own head (!) and it is still running it's mouth, laughing about how Shito will return again.

Then the camera fades out and it is finally over.

Conclusion - This movie was a little bit of everything (i.e. confusing, annoying, boring...). I bought it at my local 99 Cent Store because I loved the cover. The deranged samurai looked promising, but any promise that this movie held was lost even before Chapter 'Hell' - Part 2 got rolling. Even though it only cost 99 cents, I feel ripped off.

[ Reviewed late 2006. ]