Every Meximelt

Personal ad placed in the Valentine's Day edition of a local newspaper (Bloomington, IN; Feb. 1992). It is a message from Larry to Laura Lynn. I'm guessing Larry was a Taco Bell employee and Laura Lynn was a customer.

At one point, Larry had apparently taken a photograph of Laura Lynn during one of her visits to his establishment & published it in the local newspaper along with a personal message of love. 

Laura Lynn,

You don't know me, but I love you.

I work at Taco Bell.

I was thinking maybe you love me too,

because you're there so much.

It's your smile I see when I melt the cheese on every Meximelt.

Please be mine.

Larry

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Mar. 9, 2004]

Bozeman Radiator Disaster

Here's a good radiator disaster pic:

Catching our antifreeze leakage in cooking pans.

It was in Bozeman, Montana, during our 1994 drive from Indiana to Alaska, when we sprang a radiator leak. We managed to limp into a Napa auto parts parking lot just before the engine overheated completely. We parked and let everything cool down, catching the leaking antifreeze in pans because we were afraid Napa might kick us off their lot if we flooded it with coolant.

As bad as that seemed, things only got worse from there. Among other disasters, our camp stove decided to give up on us too.

Laura with our faulty camp stove.

Things escalated fast after that. I was trying to help Laura with the stove when I managed to set a can of kerosene on fire. I looked down and saw the fluid around the spout starting to ignite. Without thinking, I hurled the can—straight at the Napa store building. It exploded almost immediately on impact.

Here's the result:

Fire at the Napa store.

I guess I was just thinking in terms of throwing it AWAY from the van and opposite of the van was Napa.

That got the store staff riled up more than antifreeze in their parking lot ever could have. Multiple staff members immediately came pouring out of the building wielding fire extinguishers. My first thought was to take a picture (above).

When brother Todd saw the explosion in his rear-view mirror, he just threw the van in neutral - coasted right over all those pans of antifreeze.

Laura fell down and peed her pants from laughing so hard.

It was freaking hilarious.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Feb. 10, 2004]

Jon Sr.

I talked to my dad, Jon Sr. (or “Uncle Jon” to all the cousins), and it sounds like spring fever has officially hit Alaska. He just repurposed an old golf club bag into a custom “gun bag,” modifying it to carry his rifles and shotguns—including his oversized bear gun. The plan is to mount it to the side of his snowmobile for hunting trips.

On a lighter note, I once came across an artist’s rendering of what Elvis might’ve looked like in his 50s. The resemblance to Jon Sr. was uncanny.

Jon Sr. dip-netting Hooligan in 1998.

Elvis in his 50s.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Apr. 26, 2005]

Webcam Memories

A couple of screen shots from my short-lived webcam thing through The Real World...Bloger Style! during my Hulk Hands phase.

Hello, World.

Hulk Hands Charge.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Feb. 14, 2005]

True Security Guard Fantasies

In the late 1980s, I had started college and was working a third-shift security guard job in a factory, from about 11:00 in the evening until 7:00 in the morning.

There weren’t too many responsibilities; I would just make hourly patrols. I think it was an insurance thing for them. I liked it because I could study between rounds.

I only bring this up because I remembered another guard there named Werner. He was one of those out-of-shape idiot wannabe cops who thought a low-level security guard job was the same thing as joining a SWAT team.

Anyway, I only bring up Werner because of his messed-up fantasy life. I remember one particular shift change when he started rambling on and on about how he’d love for somebody to try to break into his house so he could shoot them legally. If they weren’t armed, he said, he would put another gun in their hand to justify the shooting.

One night, he drew me a diagram of his fantasy home, which included a large pyramid structure with a hot tub at the top. All three sides of the pyramid were made up of stairs, like this:

Werner's fantasy love-spa.

It was really important to him that the pyramid be tall enough so that he could survey the entire surrounding area from the comfort of his hot tub, ensuring that no one could ever sneak up on him. I couldn't quite understand why he felt so strongly about this, particularly in the context of the hot tub.

As if that weren't strange enough, he shared a fantasy where he was in the hot tub with his wife, surrounded by a stash of guns just in case he needed them. Suddenly, he notices someone trying to sneak up the side of his pyramid.

He said he would climb out of the hot tub, ask his wife to tie a towel around his exposed privates, and then shoot the intruder without hesitation.

As the fantasy continued, more people appeared, coming from all sides of the pyramid. He was being swarmed! He dealt with the situation by firing at everyone, all while his wife kept handing him fresh ammunition.

Werner's action sequence.

???? - What kind of fucked up fantasy is that?

He also was 100% POSITIVE that he could write an amazing screenplay based around that scenario. Maybe that is why he was so concerned about covering up his privates. I don't know why he would care otherwise.

Poor stupid Werner.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, June 16, 2005]

Don't Go To Bed...

So, this morning, a guy I'm making a website for tells me about a bail bondsman he knows named Moses.  When I asked who Moses was, he told me Moses was an ex-biker, turned bail bondsman/bounty hunter with a steel CAGE built into the trunk of his car. For people. He is apparently a hard core mother fucker.

But the best thing of all about Moses his his promotional t-shirt:

Moses' promotional t-shirt.

Nothing subtle about it.

And if that isn't enough to cram onto one shirt, the front displays a huge caption:

"Don't go to bed with a price on your head."

The sleeves are emblazoned with sharks:

Sleeve detail.

I just can't believe the awesomeness of this t-shirt. The back panel incorporates Moses posed as the Biblical Moses, parting a shark infested ocean so a car can drive through. The caption reads, "When you're in deep water, call Moses."

Back panel images, wide view.

8 Commandments detail.

"Thou shall not croak."

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, May 18, 2004]

Christmas Eve, 2004

Merry Christmas, blog.

Ho Ho Ho

I give you the gift of information 

(courtesy of Levins, Hoag. American Sex Machines: The Hidden History of Sex at the U.S. Patent Office. 1996. Adams Media Corp. Holbrook Mass) 

How to connect your wiener to a tape recorder:

How to attach your wiener to a tape recorder.

From the original blog comments:

*Hahahaha, what would be the point?

*To give it an interview, of course!

*I don't want to ruin the illusion, but I believe this diagram was from when computer data was stored on tape rather than disk...but the notion of attaching a wiener to a tape deck is much more intriguing than attaching a wiener to a computer, so I just ignored the original context.

*Why would anyone attach their wiener to a computer? Is it like those monster movies where the disembodied brain rules its minions via computer? Only in this case it is the wiener that gives commands from its plasma tank.

*There must be a million good reasons for attaching your wiener to a computer. Maybe take it's temperature.

*A key here, being that I'm a technical person, is how much bandwidth you could transmit by using indirect contact. Your wiener knows more than he's letting on you know.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Dec. 24, 2004]

The Presidential Prayer Team

Well, this is stupid. It's a sticker from an organization called the Presidential Prayer Team.  I'm now getting spammed with right wing prayer requests, but receiving this free sticker of George W. Bush praying with the ghosts of Abraham Lincoln and George Washington makes it totally worth it. 

The Presidential Prayer Team.

What a dumb thing.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, May 16, 2004]

Yet More Day Labor

I finished a week long day labor stint cleaning up supporting Disney's Space Mountain renovation. It was pretty interesting. I liked the two guys I worked with, Felix & Eli. It was fun climbing around on the scaffolding and looking down at the roller coaster track.

Labor Ready office, early in the a.m.

The girl dressed up like the Little Mermaid kept sort of flirting with my co-day laborer, Felix.  He was going to ask her out the last day, but it turned out to be her day off.

Felix, Eli, and I were hard core.  We stayed busy as hell and asked the foremen what else they needed help with whenever we ran out of things to do. On our last day, Disney brought in a couple more guys and they sucked.  One was half drunk and left after four hours, the other one stood around with a broom moving a pile of dust back and forth around a room. 

In my day-labor gear, last day working at Space Mountain.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, July 17, 2004]

Happy 4th!

The people I'm renting a room from were out for the day and told me I was free to use the pool, so I had a day of relaxation and hydration.

Jumping off the board reminded me of a thing we would do as kids called a "Jumping Jackoff" where you would go off the board while doing a jumping jack. It wasn't as fun as I remembered it being.

Happy 4th of July.

Here's a photo from last year's 4th of July fireworks spectacular:

Happy 4th of July.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, July 4, 2004]

More Day Labor

Sunburn update:

Heavy contrast.

Despite the ravages of sunburn, I decided to return to Labor Ready this morning. I need the cash, as little as I get for the hell I go through.

On the rock-moving work site, the guy directing the trucks brings a huge thing of sunscreen with him every day, so I figured I'd ask him for some and then waive his gas fee. So I showed up and the dispatcher sent me to the railway yard instead, so that foiled my sunscreen plan. 

So I went to the railroad yard with my excruciating sunburn and it got HOT again today. We were unloading a train car full of concrete railroad ties.

Digression - the railway industry is beginning to replace the classic wooden railroad ties with concrete ties - which seemed weird to me because you'd think they'd be more apt to crack - but apparently not - also they don't rot and they are reportedly quieter, so there's some info you might be able to use if railroad ties ever come up in discussion. They also weigh 650 lbs each! So of course we weren't lifting them by hand...one guy was in the train car attaching crane hooks and two of use were straightening stacks of ties (using steal bars as levers) after they were unloaded by the crane.

The work was much better than loading rocks, but the extreme sun on my extreme sunburn was grueling...I was more miserable than ever. I also realized I needed inserts for my boots as my feet stung every time I stood, so I have to confess, I was not as hardcore today as I had been earlier this week. It was all I could do to stay on my feet. I could barely answer a direct question.

Two hardcore, but also stupid things I did today -

1. Accidentally hit myself in the head with a steel bar.
2. Walked through a thorn bush to adjust a bundle because that route was the quickest.

I did buy sun-relief products after work today. I don't want to become a leather face.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, July 2, 2004]

Revisiting Labor Ready

I only register for day labor when I absolutely have to, like when I arrive in a new town and need a little cash while I'm job hunting. It's a reliable means of getting some extra cash (though not much) while you're waiting for something better to come along.

Right now, one website has wrapped up and I've been waiting to start two others, but haven't heard anything; so I decided, instead of hanging around the house all day, I should behave like the man of action I am and revisit old reliable Labor Ready.

I went down and applied yesterday, the lady said, "You filled out your application really good, like she was talking to a kid. I showed up early this morning and was hired for an earth moving company which I thought was badass; although in practice, we were actually picking up huge-ass rocks all day which sucked and was hard on the back. But then, I do need exercise.

Today's Labor Ready Report -
I often enjoy the people I meet working day labor. Today, I transported 3 other laborers to the job site (got an extra $2 from each for gas!). Co-worker #1 was kind of nuts, kept talking about how he's gonna make a pipe bomb for 4th of July.

Co-worker #2 was a good enough guy, though his wife is taking a good chunk of his earnings for child support, which would be a shitty situation for him. He just got out of prison, where he did time time for beating a guy up with an aluminum baseball bat because, "I told him to get out of my house, but he didn't go". He was a pretty good guy at heart. I didn't charge him gas money since he was busting his ass as hard as I was, for a lot less pay.

But the day sucked because they gave no breaks (not even lunch) and it was heavy duty work right there in the sun, I thought I was gonna pass out, but didn't. When the foreman told us he isn't giving breaks, you should've heard Co-worker #2! He was furious. I suggested, "You oughta bash his head in with a ball bat," but he didn't.

But we got in 9 hours, and I was paid less than what I get for screwing around a few hours on webpages from the comfort of my own home, and my body was beat.

We apparently did an acceptable job, they invited us back tomorrow, though neither of my co-workers are going. And I don't blame them, it really was back-breaking work, for shit pay. I think I will do at least one more day....it did me good to get out in a different environment, even if it sucked. 

Sunburn hat head.

Oh, and I got a lot of sun! I was wearing my hat low to keep the sweat out of my eyes, so now my face is red while the top of my forehead is pale.

Hauling rocks all day blows....but I will try one more day. Because no one else from my group is going back and I like to tell myself I'm hardcore. And it's a guaranteed 9 hours, other assignments tend to be fewer hours...and at this shitty pay-rate, you want all the hours you can get.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, June 30, 2004]

I'm a Lobster

I returned for day two of Labor Ready and the foremen looked very surprised.

"Huh! Back for more?", one said. I don't think it's normal for somebody to return to that site. It is pretty brutal. They said a couple of guys left after an hour & a half last week. They were also not nearly such assholes today since they know I am hardcore.

I knew I should've stopped for sunscreen this morning. I am now bright red like a lobster and I think my ears have been totally cooked. They feel like pork rinds.

Sunburn not looking nearly as bad in photo.

Nothing real exciting to tell about the day, it was just more loading rocks in the sun for 9 hours. My co-workers weren't particularly interesting today either. We drove 2 separate cars and by 1pm we were all miserably delirious. They left at 8 hours and the foreman asked me if I was leaving too or if I wanted another hour. I gave him a huge-ass smile and asked, "Only one more?" (and I have no idea where that came from, because I felt like I was gonna die right there in the dirt). But he hooked me up for that last hour! I barely did ANYTHING, so sometimes it's good to not know when to quit.

I want to go back again tomorrow! I will let my sunburn determine whether I do or not. But really, tomorrow's Friday...so I might as well. I mean, am I freaking hardcore or not?

If I do though, I will do it with sunscreen.

PS - Even though I buy a huge jug of water in the morning before going to the job site, I NEVER have to pee for the entire 9 hours I'm out there, I guess because I sweat it all out. I SO miss peeing!

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, July 1, 2004]

Death to Tyrants

When we were living in rural Alaska, my brother Todd and I decided to celebrate one particular 4th of July by building and burning a tyrant's effigy. He had a balloon head and a body stuffed with straw. Went up in flames good, like a tyrant should.

Here's pics:

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Jan. 4, 2004]

Shower Heads

 I received a gift in the mail today from Purple Viper - Thank you, Purple Viper!

It's from a line of novelty shower heads from a 1980s called "Shower Heads." I think they were trying to say they put the "head" in "shower head" (or something like that) because they produced a whole line of shower heads adorned with rubber representations of various human and animal heads.

From the enclosed Shower Heads informational brochure.

Purple Viper sent a particularly appropriate Rchrd Nxn (sorry about the lack of vowels, I don't want to get picked up on search engines anymore) model:

Look at it go!

Thanks again, Purple Viper!

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Oct. 24, 2005]

Cantwell

Out in the middle of nowhere, Cantwell, Alaska hosts an annual music festival. It is pretty much just two days of drunken revelry. It's completely unadvertised. People just know about it by word of mouth

It's right off the freeway in a huge open area. The only structures are a stage, a full blown bar, and a line of port-o-johns.

Everybody just pitches tents or lives in their vehicles for the weekend.

Highlights from the year I attended include:

Dancing on makeshift tables.

Passing out & sleeping in the dirt.

Worth a close up.

Me in the chair, Todd standing above, Amanda on the right, & our photographer in my lap.

Here is a collage:

Cantwell collage.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Jan. 18, 2004]

FU w/ Xtra Cheese

Sarah's guest check book from work.

Did you know waitresses wrote such things in their guest check books?

Sarah's guest check book from work.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Feb. 2, 2004]

Aleknagik

Besides fishing, you could also screw around in watercraft on Lake Aleknagik, though that was often incorporated into fishing as well.

Our crew, most days.

Skif Pilot Jonnie.

 One section of Lake Aleknagik featured the wreckage of a WWII barge which we enjoyed climbing around on.

The old barge.

Todd welcoming us aboard.

Glen tying anchoring our skif to the barge.

Fishing off the barge.

Fishing off the barge was amazing, the river's current would momentarily trap the salmon against the barge and you could look right down at them. Theoretically, the salmon wouldn't even have to bite, it would not be difficult to just snag them with your hook ("snagging" is illegal by the way, it wasn't uncommon for Fish & Game to check your fish to make sure they were hooked legally in the mouth).

It was also fun to explore the barge, though most of it was flooded. I don't know any of the barge's history, except that it was from WWII and that it was too expensive to remove and dispose of it. As of the mid-1990s, it had just been sitting there for fifty years or so.

Remains of a WWII era bathroom.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Dec. 21 2004]

Hyder-ized

While driving through British Columbia, Canada, for what seemed like forever on our road trip to Alaska in 1994, we made a Hyderization pit stop in Hyder, Alaska.

The proper entrance to Alaska is through the Yukon Territory, which was still a long way off, but we learned there was a southern Alaskan town called, "Hyder," accessible through British Columbia. It isn't a proper entrance to Alaska because there are no additional routes into the interior, evidenced by the absence of a customs stop.

We were a little road weary from days of driving and decided it was worth the 200 mile detour off the Alkean Highway to check out Hyder. It was probably a once in a lifetime opportunity. I doubt we will ever be back in Hyder. It is absolutely in the middle of nowhere.

Checking out Hyder, Alaska.

Once we arrived, Hyder looked like kind of a wilderness outpost. There were a few buildings (at least half of which were bars) and a lot of mud.

One guy we met there told us they did try to establish a border patrol office at one point in the town's history, but the locals, "shot it up."

There was not even anything to indicate where the Canada-Alaska border was. The guy we were talking to said, "There used to be a sign, but if fell down, eh?"

We decided to celebrate at the Glacier Inn bar & liquor store. The walls were covered with autographed money, originally from miners staking claims, but in recent years it was probably just drunks.

One wall of the Glacier Inn.

While we were there, the bartender, Caroline, was creating a subliminal message to her boss by stapling $2 bills to the money covered wall to spell out, "Fuck you, Buzzy." She said he would never notice and she would laugh about it for years.

"Fuck you, Buzzy."

The Glacier Inn had a tradition called, "Hyderization," the process of, "getting Hyderized," which consisted of drinking a shot of Everclear.

We recorded Caroline's Hyderization rap on the Van Log cassette tape rec (she was able to recite it super fast, an skill she called, "Speed Hyderization"):

What I have before you is a water chaser, this in the other hand, is a house special. You may not taste it or smell it first. You have to knock it back straight one time & one time only... On the count of 3, down the hatch. 1,2,3. Congratulations, you've just been Hyderized with 1 ounce of Everclear 190 proof straight grain alcohol. Here's you card, sign your name to it...Welcome to Hyder & have a nice day. Bingo! We're done! Thank you.

Getting Hyderized.

After that initiation, they provided you with a souvenir card:

My proof of Hyderization.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Mar. 12, 2004]