Van Log, 1994: South Dakota, pt. 1 - Wall Drug

8:26 pm: Roadkill Report:This wasn't messy, it was a clean kill. It was a racoon rolled-up in a ball by the side of the road. A billboard reads, "South Dakotans Reject Animal Activists". This is the home of the Cattle Ranchers.

We're looking for signs that will lead us to the Corn Palace. There's a big cow statue that would not fit in the van. It would fit on a flatbed though. Pick it up if you're ever in Mitchel with a flatbed.

A large city-bought sign in green is directing us to the Corn Palace. There's the Mouse House Cheese Shop. The Freedom Gas Station. It's a dollar two instead of a dollar ten.

There's the "Taco Tienda With More." "Free Parking, No Overnight Camping."

Corn Palace; Mitchell, South Dakota.

Day 2, 10:20 pm: We just came out of the Townhouse Cafe and it wasn't bad. We had the pot of coffee. The music's getting kind of mellow, let's put on the Misfits. I haven't heard the Misfits in a long time. We're getting ready to make a long haul towards the Badlands. We found out a lot about Custer Park where they have a bunch of buffalo that run into the road and some mules you can pet, so we plan on going there.

We just entered the Mountain time-zone. That means we are now very west and after the Rocky Mountains, we'll be extremely west. We'll be coastal. We're about 60 miles from the Badlands.

I'm kinda jacked-up from all of that coffee we had in Mitchel. I'm feeling like a rocketship here. I took a nap, maybe that had something to do with it. After we had coffee, I took a nap. Explain that. But now I feel like a million bucks.

We could buy some liquor and get plastered. Set up a tent and drink. I'm not gonna sleep tonight, so if we get there and nothing's open, let's start a fire and cook something. Eat and drink and make merry by a fire. Do we have anything we could cook on a fire? We could fry Spam.

If we feel like it tonight, we're gonna fry bananas on a fire and drink liquor

Did you see that? I thought it was an animal at first, but it was a big ball of tumbleweed.

I had an accident! We were coming up on the scenic overlook to camp out and I took the exit and at the top of the exit, what I thought was a space to merge onto the freeway was actually a solid concrete curb and I flew up over that at a pretty good speed and I definitely reamed-out the right front tire really bad. I'm assessing the damage.

Flat.

By the side of the road.

Taking it all in stride.

We're stopped right by a "No Camping" sign. So, that's the situation. Mel landed on me. We may be okay. Jesus Christ, that was a close one. My apologies. No alcohol was involved.

A car with a couple of guys came up to help us out. They let us try their jack. The problem is that one of the lug nuts isn't coming off with the tire iron we have. We tried their tire iron, but it was too small so they've gone to call a tow service. Not that we need a tow, but they could probably get the lug nut off. They'd probably be equipped to handle that.

It's a beautiful night, lots of stars are out and there's a heavy wind. I guess, for a wreck, it was pretty good; but I wouldn't want it to happen again. Hopefully soon we'll be rolling again.

Day 3, 8:45am: Lug nuts are off. It's a beautiful place we were sleeping. A camper was here and I went over to ask them if they had a tire iron when a guy pulled-up and said he had the perfect one. He's had it for fifteen years and he had a lot of faith in it. It was a cross. He was a man of God from Ohio. An evangelist. Now we're waiting for someone to come along with a jack. We slept outside on the prairie. The dream-catcher is done.

Did you shoe-goo it?

9:11 am: We got some wood under the jack. We got it up to where it won't go up any further. We tried to take it down and it won't go down any further either. So now we're left with the van precariously placed on 3 blocks of wood.

10:00 am - Some people from Indianapolis, Indiana, pulled up. Really nice guy, gives us his jack and goes off to see the scenery. We got the tire changed and as we were changing the tire, he told us the entire history of Billings, Montana. He was really up on it. His last name was "Billings" and that's the reason he was going there. The only reason he was going there. Just wanted to see it. He researched back to 1794 and as far as he can tell, he's not related to the guy, "Billings", who started the town; but he thinks a few hundred years back, they probably were related. That Billings had a son named Frederick and a daughter named Laura and so do they. And we have a Laura too.

It's all turned out well. In evaluation of the whole situation, I think that we all did pretty well. Took it all in stride. None of us freaked out. I liked sleeping out in the wind and grass. I'm taking this as a personal lesson to watch my speed. 

"I could have killed everybody."

"Don't get solemn on us."

"I could have hurt somebody."

If that wasn't a prairie...we would've gone off a mountain in Alaska. We'd have plunged to our deaths.

We're gonna go to Wall and check the alignment and put the other rim on the other tire. While we're there, we're gonna go to Wall Drug. "Auto Parts at Wall Drug", there's a sign they could put up. While we drive to Wall, I am brushing my hair and throwing the knots out the window, where they shall become tumbleweed and roam the prairies forevermore.

Wall Drug; Wall, South Dakota.

2:22 pm: We went to Wall Drug; got postcards, got coffee. Have we been busy! We saw Smilin' Sam play the piano, got some good pictures. Sixty cents and we got all the coffee we wanted. Couldn't drink any more. It was a dream. I bought a hack. I called home and that bastard bitch of Satan's spawn of a Godmother I have (and I hope you hear this, you stupid slut) wouldn't let me talk to my own mother.

Smilin' Sam.

Wall Drug attraction.

Bronco Bustin' Laura.

Taxidermy party.

Howdy.

Stay with us as we enter the Badlands, 
South Dakota, pt. 2

Or, go anywhere:  

Van Log '94: A Collective Narrative:

Forward by Todd               South Dakota, pt. 1               Washington

Leaving Indiana                South Dakota, pt. 2               British Columbia

Illinois                               Wyoming                               Hyder, AK (side trip)

Wisconsin                         Montana                                Yukon Territory

Minnesota                         Idaho                                     Alaska

Van Log, 1994: South Dakota, pt. 2 - Badlands

2:31 pm: Entering Badlands National Park

We made it. The guy here has a goatee and a badge and his name is Tim Johanson. He was really laid-back, he was funny. "No huntin' or Shootin' and No Off-Road Driving". Whoa!! It's beautiful! Dirt road! WOooooo!!! "Prairie Dog Town 5 Miles". Just big chasms! OH!! Take a whole roll of panoramic!

We're driving through the Badlands listening to Bob Dylan. We're going to the Prairie Dog Town. We have a sign, "Beware of Bison". We see some, six of 'em and more on the horizon. Mad Tyson loves his Bison. Big Herd!! Beware, they will gore you. Sign says, "Many visitors have been gored by buffalo". This is the Prairie Dog Town - And the buffalo live here too.

Exploring the Badlands.

Bad, bad lands.

Where the buffalo roam.

Mel with sun-dried buffalo shit.

3:22 pm: We have been to the Prairie Dog Town and we have returned. Laura stared down a buffalo and we're going to pick up some dried buffalo shit to burn it like they do in India.

Those Prairie Dogs are elusive. I got really close to that one. Lucky.

7:21 pm: Man, what a day. Spent it in the Badlands. We got the car fixed, the guy only charged $14. He could've charged us anything he wanted to. We drove around the Badlands forever. Me and Mel took a nap, Todd and Laura figured out that the map is fucked up. We saw antelope running around. We took a walk through the Badlands on our own feet, no one guiding us. The van was a far-off speck. I put mud all over my body and it felt really good.

We're thinking a storm might be coming from one direction or the other because they said the weather's unpredictable in the Badlands. They said it has snowed in May. That's one of the things that's so bad about these lands. Bad-fuckin-lands. Temperatures range from 116 degrees to negative 40; not in one night, but that's the range. So it's just unpredictable.

Mel and Laura are hacky-sacking and Todd and I are having a beer. Laura saw some bone jaws in a creek. She thinks they're bison jaws and Mel's going to get them tomorrow. He can make something really cool from them. Even though there's a clause in this "Prairie Preamble" about collecting fossils. Should I leave that geode here?

Why not take it, it might not even be a geode. Put it in the food box. There's a lot of them around here. There are neat little scrub bushes here, little dwarf trees. You gotta know what I mean.

This car pulled in and it was a couple of old folks and I think they may have been afraid of Mel and they left. Maybe they said, "That's not such a pretty site". It is a pretty site though. It really is.

7:53 pm: We're gonna make a beer run. I've only had 2 so I should drive. Oh! We have schnapps! Lets get some beer. Wall is only 10 miles away, we could do it with our eyes closed. We're gonna go get beer! Close all the doors and haul ass! Get that bag of cow shit in here! Put it where the spare tire used to be. We've got a lot of contraband if a Ranger stops us. We brought that rock from home. We brought that bag of buffalo shit from home too. I lost my zippo.

Empty beer bottles go in the cooler? Is that what we're doing?

Well, that's what we've been doing. I don't know why.

Take that road, 240, to Wall. I hope there's no scars! I hope there's no scars! We're at the same place that fixed our tire. Last time we were here, we were interested in Wall Drug, now we just care about the beer. I'm drinkin' Light Beer! Which I'll probably thank Jon for later because I'll look down and say, 'Hey! I've been drinking a lot of beer and I aint got a gut'!

8:37 pm: We're lookin' at a buffalo chewin' and peeing at the same time. We're drunk and having a good time.

Oh my God! They're afraid of Mel! Bison are afraid of Mel! Mel chased off a herd of bison! He's gonna get gored.

We've got beer bottles all over the floor, they're gonna be rolling out.

Mel charged those buffalo and they ran.

Bison Charger Mel.

Mel's going over to ask some guys if they hack. We've got kind of a Badlands party arranged. We ran into some people, we got some pictures of some buffalo and now Mel's negotiating a liquor store run. Introducing Laura now, they're gonna go get some beer.

Badlands party.

Cooking on buffalo chips.

Cooking bananas and pretzels.

We just met a guy named Ron and a guy named Russ. Ron just went to get some salami for his friend and we're gonna go hack and drink in the beautiful Badlands. People are dancing, I'm baking bananas and it's pretty cool. Cowchips are burning and they smell good. Laura recommends that we don't put oregano or soy sauce on the bananas. Or beer. It's bland. Garlic? How about Soul Food seasoning?

12:09 am: Listen, we're all really drunk in the Badlands. Storm brewing and we're encouraging it. We hope it does rain. I'm drinking in the dirt and I'll be sleeping in the dirt and that's the way to be.

We're gonna go find Mel. We're really trashed. We all took aspirin, but that doesn't mean we won't be mourning. Mel's talking shit to us all. I'm talking shit right now. I'm so glad that I induced my own vomiting in the field so I don't even have to risk vomiting in the van. I think we should all be thankful for that.

12:44: I'm up front. I'm Hard Core. If it stops raining, I'm going outside.

Day 4, 8:20 am: We woke up, well three of us. We don't know where Jonnie is. No idea where he is. The van is trashed and we're drinking all the water we've got right now and taking vitamins. "Aids in maintaining a healthy nervous system". We'll have healthy nerves. It's a good placebo. Is that our garbage can out there?

I spent the night in the Badlands in my sleeping bag. Mel and Laura are gonna do some hiking, Todd and I are going to take the van into town for water and necessities. I lost 3 lighters last night. We'll grab a pack of six of 'em.

10:14 am:We're in Wall. It's starting to feel sort of homey now. We made a beer run, saw the same guy working two different times, we know our way around. Getting kind of comfortable with it. We dropped off our trash in a motel dumpster. I shaved and washed my hair in the bathroom of an Exxon station, we're gonna get some breakfast at Elkton House.

We went to Wall Drug and asked for a cork. The lady said to go to the Camping Dept. and if they don't have one, go to the Hardware Store two doors down. So we went to the Camping Dept. and asked, "Do you have a cork"? The guy, and like everybody else was all in on it, he goes, "No! You wanna go out of here and go two doors down to the left to the Hardware store". So, we went into the Hardware store and I said, "We need a cork" and the lady said, "OK". She walks over to the shelves and in the metal box, way on top, it wasn't on display; she reaches up, brings down the box and it's full of various corks. Assorted sizes in different compartments.

Our eyes were bigger than our jug and we picked a really big one. It was way too big, so we took it back and she traded it. It's way tall and that gives it space to wear out a bit. Gives me a lift. It looks like a real jug now. We've got a jug of water. Now we're gonna go fill it.

Gill Bros. in the Badlands.

We're back where we had our tire fixed yesterday and where we came back to on our beer run and we're back here now. It's no wonder that Wall's starting to feel a little bit like home. We're becoming regulars here. It's gonna be kind of sad to leave that, but leave it we will.

We're going in through the back of the Badlands because, in our revelry last night, we threw out our pass, which wouldn't be good anyway today because it was only good for one day. The guy who was into Geology said there's a secret way to get in from the back for free.

Good news, we found a hose at the Exxon station and Todd's filling the jug. We are driving up and down the hills on a crazy dirt road, surrounded by cows. Root Beer, the Beer of the Root.

12:44 pm: Mel and Laura returned and they're gonna tell about their day: We hiked what we estimated to be 2 or 3 miles into the heart of the Badlands. We found this really neat bluff and we just sat on it. It was really beautiful and we added to the natural erosion and then coming back is when the excitement happened.

Laura said, "oh!", and jumped up and right at her feet was a rattlesnake sunning itself. We were about 3 feet from it, just watching it then it got tired of looking at us and just slithered away.

When we were about 3 quarters of the way back, we were exhausted and wanted to find some shade so we go through the valley and then, like 20 feet from us, a deer jumps out of the thicket. And antelope, we saw it all".

Did you see a coyote?

We saw coyote footprints. I wish I hadn't been so trashed". There was this one bird that was just so fat, it would hop then fly then hop then fly then hop.

We saw a lot of bones, a bison shoulder blade. Off in the distance we saw seven or eight buffalo stampeding, running full speed".

We ate at the "Cactus Cafe". Jonnie and I had burritos, Laura had the salad bar and Todd had garlic bread and coffee. We noticed that there's a pretty big radiator leak dripping puddles on the ground, so we stopped and Jonnie ran over to the Hardware Store and got some "Stop-A-Leak" shit and we hope the problem's solved.

We called Indiana and talked to Betty - Ian broke his collarbone, wrecked his scooter.

We're getting the Hell out of Wall. We're gonna go on 90 and cover some miles. Time to move on and we're gonna try to see Custer's Battlefield and the Crazy Horse project. My necklace broke, so I threw it out the window. No remorse. South Dakota's big and beautiful. We left Wall and we're coasting at 70mph. Green rolling hills.

4:21 pm: We're entering the Crazy Horse Memorial. We just pulled in and we're on the "Avenue of the Chiefs".

6:07 pm:We're leaving the Crazy Horse place, $15 to get in, which wasn't bad. They have free coffee and it was pretty good, but you felt bad drinking it knowing how much money need to finish this thing.

There are cows here by the road, not penned-in. Laura's at the wheel and we're gonna go see Custer's Battlefield. Maybe we should just leave the state. How Now Brown Cow? I've got antifreeze all over my leg and arm.

The original sculptor of Crazy Horse looks a lot like Mel's Godfather. He's got a great beard. There's a photograph of the sculptor with Johnny Cash and he had a personal invitation from the Pope and it's the best picture of the Pope that I've ever seen. He's just standing there with a sly grin and he's pointing his finger like, "Hey! I'm the Pope and I invite you". I'd love to get a poster of the Pope looking like that.

7:00 pm: We're on 16 going West. We're gonna enter Wyoming from here. Right now we're on a 12 mile strip of unpaved road. It's a "Road Construction". It looks like road deconstruction to me, but here we go. Very unluckily, there's a storm brewing in exactly the same direction where we're going and we see lightning.

What of this storm? Will it be as bad as we think it will be?
Find out in Wyoming

Or, go anywhere:  

Van Log '94: A Collective Narrative:

Forward by Todd               South Dakota, pt. 1               Washington

Leaving Indiana                South Dakota, pt. 2               British Columbia

Illinois                               Wyoming                               Hyder, AK (side trip)

Wisconsin                         Montana                                Yukon Territory

Minnesota                         Idaho                                     Alaska