Found Flyer

I encountered this flier while living in Los Angeles. It was issued around New Years, 2002 as part of a campaign to discourage residents from discharging firearms into the air while celebrating New Years.

I thought it was funny in 2002 because it seemed like such a common sense non-issue, but these days, who knows? It would probably be construed as government overreach.

flyer, front.

flyer, back.

First Impressions

When I had recently arrived in Anchorage and was getting on my feet, I bought a van real cheap from a co-worker. The next morning, I was starting a second job working with disabled kids. 

I drove that van on my first day of work and I remember having a completely overbearing head cold at the time. I was parked in front of the home of the individuals I would be assisting while I was digging in the back of the van looking for some Kleenex when I noticed a large sawed-off shotgun underneath the back seat! 

I don't know what I was thinking (I was ill and disoriented at the time), but I picked it up and pulled the trigger (I guess to see if it worked). I remember an explosive, "BLAMMM!!", followed by a deafening ringing in my ears and the smell of gun powder. It was loaded! 

Shotgun blast hole with swiss army knife for scale.

Blew a hole right through the side of my new van. Right in the parking lot of my new workplace on my first day! I just remember smelling smoke and my ears ringing like crazy and being glad nobody was outside in the parking lot who might have been caught by the blast. The lady who ran the house came running out and asked me what was going on. All I could think about was my head cold and I didn't want to explain it all to her, so I stupidly stuck my head out the window, held up the shotgun and said, "I just shot a hole in my van. I have a head cold," as if that explained anything. 

Well, they say the first impression you make on somebody is the one they will always remember and you'd think I made a pretty bad one that day; but if that's the case, you'd never know it. She didn't say a word, she just turned around and went back in the house. I came in a little later and started my first shift. We later became friendly acquaintances, but she NEVER mentioned the incident as long as I knew her.

The photograph below shows brother Todd holding his Swiss Army knife by the shotgun hole for scale. If the shot had landed a foot or so to the left, where the gas tank is located, I may not have lived to tell the stupid tale.

True Security Guard Fantasies

In the late 1980s, I had just started college and was working third shift as a security guard at a factory, from about 11:00 at night until 7:00 in the morning.

There wasn’t much to the job. I made hourly patrols around the building. I think the position existed largely for insurance purposes. I liked it because it gave me plenty of time to study between rounds.

I only bring this up because I remembered another guard there named Warner. He was one of those out-of-shape wannabe cops who treated a low-level security job like he’d been recruited onto a SWAT team.

What really stuck with me was his fantasy life. I remember one shift change where he went on and on about how he wished somebody would try to break into his house so he could legally shoot them. If the intruder turned out not to be armed, he said, he’d just put another gun in their hand afterward to justify it.

One night, he even drew me a diagram of his dream house. At the center was a giant pyramid with a hot tub at the top. All three sides of the pyramid were made entirely of stairs, like this:

Werner's fantasy love-spa.

It was extremely important to Warner that the pyramid was tall enough for him to survey the entire surrounding area from the comfort of his hot tub, guaranteeing that nobody could ever sneak up on him. 

Warner particularly enjoyed one particular fantasy where he and his wife were sitting in the hot tub surrounded by an arsenal of guns, just in case they were needed. Suddenly, he notices someone attempting to sneak up one side of the pyramid!

According to Warner, he would calmly climb out of the hot tub, ask his wife to tie a towel around his exposed privates, and then immediately shoot the intruder.

The fantasy escalated from there. More people began appearing from every side of the pyramid. Warner was being swarmed! His solution was to stand there firing in all directions while his wife continuously handed him fresh ammunition.

Werner's action sequence.

What kind of fucked-up fantasy life is that?

Werner was also completely convinced he could turn the whole scenario into an amazing screenplay. And mentioned it almost every night at the changing of the guard.

Poor stupid Werner.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, June 16, 2005]