Kilbuck Portrait

Amanda's portrait of Donald Kilbuck next to the man himself. Painted in Anchorage, AK, 1998.

Donald & his portrait.

Update: After decades of silence, I've learned the Kilbuck portrait lives! 25 years later (Oct. 2023), Donald sent me a photo of the portrait in its current location in Soldotna; specifically, "Funny River at Little Way's from the Small Plane Airport."

 

May it live forever!

Gorilla Fireworks

Gorilla Fireworks.

I think the appeal of Gorilla Fireworks is self-evident.

Stump Removal

It's amazing that Jon Sr.'s property used to look like this:

Todd & Amanda, pre-clear cutting.

Because, now it looks like this:

Post-clear cutting.

And what's the point of having an isolated Alaskan cabin if you don't have a great view?

Once enough trees were cleared, the addition of a gravel driveway made everything look downright civilized:

Uncle Jon's driveway.

After the trees were dealt with, there was still a lot of stump removal, which was probably my favorite task:

Step 1: Chainsaw the roots:

Jon Sr. chainsawing through the tundra.

Step 2: Tie chain to stump:

Step 3: Tie chain to truck & drive:

The stump pops right out, like pulling a tooth, with a satisfying, "craaaack - pop" sound.

The property is pretty much ready, Jon Sr.'s well and septic tank are in place (sidenote: the well site was discovered when a former Salvation Army preacher walked over the property with a dowsing wand). Once the garage/workshop is finished, it'll be time to start building a cabin. No electricity or phone yet, but there is a generator, so he can run his power tools. 

Apparently, extending the phone and power lines a few more poles costs several thousand dollars out there. The custom is to wait until 3 or 4 people all decide they want power, then they all share the cost.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Sep. 10, 2005]

Rural Eateries

Uncle Jon's cabin site is in a pretty ideal location - about 50 miles north of Anchorage, and even closer to the growing city of of Wasilla; so you can still get into town pretty conveniently.

At some point after miles and miles of nothing but trees, you turn down a long gravel road, then another long gravel road, then there you are.

It's a pleasant little community of isolated cabins - everybody I met was real nice, nobody was full of shit.

The only nearby  commercial facilities (and by "nearby," I mean 20 miles away) are a couple of gas stations, a hardware store, and the occasional lodge.

The low population base makes waiting in line extremely rare. This was particularly impressive coming in from southern California.

Typical Alaskan roadside lodge.

Interesting hood ornament.

A little further, and you'll find a couple of local eating establishments, both of them provide huge portions:

Sunshine Restaurant.

Sunshine Restaurant is my favorite, it's right next to a gas station, so we ended up there more often than not. They always had a giant stack of newspapers piled on one of the tables. I don't know if they are ever packed to capacity with customers.

In the other direction, towards Willow, is the Trading Post:

Willow Trading Post.

This place was a little rowdier since it is also a bar in the evenings. Huge portions, again.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Sep. 7, 2005]

Go, Wood Chipper!

Jon Sr's Rural Alaskan Property Site.

I had a good time helping my Dad clear his property and roof his garage last month.

I really loved getting out of crowded California - most days, we didn't see more than 1 or 2 cars go by all day. When somebody drove by, everyone would stop and look because it was kind of a rare event.

And I very much loved using the rented wood chipper. The property site was originally just full of trees which Uncle Jon had pretty much cleared out by the time I arrived.

Once all the firewood had been cut and stacked, he was left with a mountain of brush. The locals don't like people burning brush because of the possibility of starting a forest fire (it's a tundra environment, so the ground is covered by a thick carpet of low shrubbery), so we had the pleasure to indulge in running everything through a rented a wood chipper.

It took us 8 hours (!) to clear all the brush.

Wood chippin'.

Just feed in the limbs -

- and out fly the chips:

It turned out an 80 year old former school teacher who lived out there had a use for those wood chips. She wanted to use them to pave her garden walkways, so we took her over a few truckloads and were rewarded by an amazing moose dinner!

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Sep. 3, 2005]

Sidekick

Yep, look at me in the Alaskan roadside bat mobile.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Sep. 2, 2005]

Giant Cabbage Secrets

Look at the size of this cabbage!

With Jon Sr.'s giant cabbage.

My Dad's friend, Tom, grew it in the backyard. Tom might enter it in the Alaska State Fair competition, though Alaskan cabbages are usually even much bigger than this one; because of all the summer sunlight, I guess.

A trick you can all try at home:

If you stick a cabbage plant's roots in a gallon of milk, it will grow to HUGE proportions (supposedly because of all the growth hormone in cow's milk). The practice has been outlawed by the Alaskan State Fair and authorities test for it (like steroids), but you can certainly try it at home with your personal cabbages.

Jon Sr. and Tom are currently debating whether to let the giant cabbage continue to grow naturally and enter it in the fair (though it will not come close to the usual contestants' size) or to stick its roots in milk and see how much bigger it gets.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Sep. 4, 2005]

Jon Sr.

I talked to my dad, Jon Sr. (or “Uncle Jon” to all the cousins), and it sounds like spring fever has officially hit Alaska. He just repurposed an old golf club bag into a custom “gun bag,” modifying it to carry his rifles and shotguns—including his oversized bear gun. The plan is to mount it to the side of his snowmobile for hunting trips.

On a lighter note, I once came across an artist’s rendering of what Elvis might’ve looked like in his 50s. The resemblance to Jon Sr. was uncanny.

Jon Sr. dip-netting Hooligan in 1998.

Elvis in his 50s.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Apr. 26, 2005]

Smart(ish) / Dumb(ish)

Probably the most intelligent-looking photo I have of myself:

Smart Jon, Alaska, 1998.

Maybe the dumbest photo I have of myself:

Dumb Jon, California, 2004.

Jon Sr.'s Piranha Log

In the early 2000s, my father, Jon Sr., was living in Alaska and decided to keep a tank of piranhas. He named them all “Killer” and regularly posted updates about them on our family website, Gilliomville. What follows is a kind of Piranha Chronicles—a compilation of all the piranha-related posts from Gilliomville’s message board:

I now have 5 piranhas in my 75 gallon aquarium. They are about one and a half inches long and, for the next month, will eat flake food. I did put a little guppy in with them and they chased him around, nipping at him. I haven't seen the guppy for a couple days. I guess maybe he was ganged-up on during the night.

Do piranhas snap into Slim Jims?

Ross, My alpha piranha eats even when he is not hungry. He just eats because he wants to remain the lead dog where the scenery always changes. I predict that within six months, he will be able to jerk a slim jim from one’s hand.

Fish tank report!! Piranhas all 5 are doing fine. I put three catfish in with them last week-end. The fish store person said the catfish were a fast growing type. She said that since the piranhas were small, that maybe the catfish could get some growth and possibly be tank mates. Situation looking pretty grave--one catfish appears alive and doing well, one catfish dead and one catfish missing.

Tank update!!! Two catfish dead and third still missing, which at this time is presumed to be dead. Killer is primary suspect, as the stalker. He did not come out to eat this A.M. He later made an appearance and seemed fine and probably full from his dark hours of evil doing. I will go to the fish store this week-end for ideas on possibilities for bottom cleaning. The catfish ended up adding to the waste problem. Maybe a turtle or snail is a possibility. Maybe a huge catfish. More updates as events evolve.

Tank update!! The remainder of the third and missing catfish has been recovered. It is fortunate, that he was the third and missing because the remains otherwise would not have been identifiable. I must get to the fish store!!

I think you should set up a Web cam on that tank. The pictures could be used as evidence against Killer.

Piranha tank update!! I talked with Josh, the manager of House of Critters, and explained my dilemma of no bottom feeder. I asked him about turtles and snails. He said that they would probably mess with anything they knew was alive. He said a snail might work if the piranhas thought it was a rock, but if they figured out it was not, they would probably mess with it. He said a sail is uni-sex and could stand a chance of overpopulating my tank. He suggested an electric catfish about three inches long for $29.95. He said the piranhas would mess with it only once. Josh said, the electric catfish stalks a small feeder goldfish within about two inches and then stops and lets out an electrical charge. The feeder fish is said to start floating to the top after receiving the charge and then is devoured by the catfish. It sounds like some high drama stuff for $29.95.

Electric catfish! Yeah, get one. For thirty bucks, I hope Josh knows what he's talking about. Will the piranha be safe from the catfish? It's turning into some kind of House of Eerie, all these villainous fish, like monsters.

Yesterday I found two feeder goldfish on my carpet. The fish were like two and three feet from the piranha tank. I think they did hari cari to get away from Killer.

My piranhas are growing so fast. I am afraid to put my hand in the tank. I think I am going to do like George Foreman, when he named his boys. He named them all George. They were George 1, George 2, George 3, etc. I am going to name my piranhas, Killer 1, Killer 2, Killer 3, Killer 4, and the last one I named Runt.

Man, I can't believe these killer fish!! When I feed them floating food, they splash water all over the top of the aquarium and sometimes on the floor.

When this box of food is gone I think I am not going to buy any more floating food. The one feeder fish of twenty five is still alive. He swims right around with the killers and Runt. I think they have adopted him. Maybe I'll let them get real hungry and see if they still like him.

Sun? Moon?

My dad, Jon Sr., in Anchorage, 2001.

He made this painting by tracing around a trash can lid.

A Jon Sr. original.

Donald's Storage Unit, 1999

Donald visiting his storage unit at the end of the millennium.

Donald's storage unit.

Donald was a perpetual couch surfer who rarely had a fixed address. He would stay with friends or in halfway houses throughout southern Alaska. He kept many of his personal belongings in his van, but he also had a storage unit in Anchorage where he could offload some things when his van got too full. I visited his storage unit with him on several occasions when he needed something and had to dig through several boxes of unsorted items to find it.

Cantwell

Out in the middle of nowhere, Cantwell, Alaska hosts an annual music festival. It is pretty much just two days of drunken revelry. It's completely unadvertised. People just know about it by word of mouth

It's right off the freeway in a huge open area. The only structures are a stage, a full blown bar, and a line of port-o-johns.

Everybody just pitches tents or lives in their vehicles for the weekend.

Highlights from the year I attended include:

Dancing on makeshift tables.

Passing out & sleeping in the dirt.

Worth a close up.

Me in the chair, Todd standing above, Amanda on the right, & our photographer in my lap.

Here is a collage:

Cantwell collage.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Jan. 18, 2004]

The Drunken Boat

Valdez Harbor, crack of dawn.

Surviving journal fragment, providing a pretty accurate picture of what it was like hanging out with Donald Kilbuck in the late 1990s:

July 1, 1998 - In the early evening, I was surprised by a knock at the door. I looked through the peep-hole and saw Donald Kilbuck laughing his ass off in the stairwell for no apparent reason. He's tired of his job in Valdez and has returned to Anchorage. Further questioning revealed his Native Corporation Check is due so he won't have to worry about work for awhile.

He plans to use the money from his check to ferry his van to Kodiak where he'll stay until his next Native Check arrives. Then he will use that money to deliver himself back to Anchorage. Well, we all need something to do.

I ended up joining him on a spontaneous 6-hour drive to Valdez where he planned to deliver a bag of clothing to his friend, Patrick.

The roadtrip scenery was beautiful as always, but especially so considering the sunny weather, there was none of Valdez's characteristic rain. We rolled in to town around 2:00 a.m. & hung out at Ihe Sugarloaf Bar which is owned by the Village Inn (Donald's workplace for the past month). 

Posted above the bar, for all to see, was a chalkboard with the message, "Today's Specials" painted on the top section of the frame. Instead of drink prices, the board said, "You're In Good Hands With Allstate - Jon D. Gilliom" & then my phone number! Donald's doing obviously. I have no idea how long it had been up there.

I was pleased to learn the bar did not close until 4:30 a.m. & started in on beer by the pitcher. Donald was determined to wait around until 3:30 a.m. & then go wake Patrick up & give him a ride to work (he works at the Sugarloaf too). The bar was a lot of fun & there were a lot of cool fishery workers in town from all over the country.

By closing time, Donald returned without Patrick. Apparently it was Patrick's night off & he did not appreciate the wake-up visit at all. As the bar began to close, a fellow named Chris offered to take us out on his boat, so we bought a six pack to go, the bartender charged us $18.00 for it! He claimed that since the bar was technically closed, he could get in a lot of trouble for selling. We were drunk enough to go through with the transaction.

At this point, we weren't sure if Chris was bullshitting us or not, but we were just going with the flow. Who cares? Sure enough, once we arrived at the dock, Chris pulled the battery out of his car, stuck it in a boat, and we were off.

As the sun came up, we were taking turns steering the boat around Valdez Harbor. It was beautiful and invigorating. When the beer was gone, we returned to the dock, reattached the car battery, and I offered to buy Chris breakfast in exchange for the boat ride. By now, it was after 7:00 a.m. and we were on our way to Sunday morning breakfast at the Totem Inn.

Donald & Chris in the cabin.

Chris, our Captain.

We really ordered up at the Totem Inn, but by the time our food came, Chris was face down on the table. I don't think he ate a bite of his breakfast. The restaurant became very full as the Sunday morning crowd was arriving. Chris was drawing a lot of looks and comments. I can't believe they didn't kick us out. Donald and I just laughed and ate as if everything were normal. We were super hungry and not about to leave, no matter how many people were staring.

When we were finished, we carried Chris out. Luckily he was able to vaguely direct us to a friend's house (or we interpreted it that way). We left him laying on the front porch and then began our three hour drive back to Anchorage.

Uncle Jon, 1998

 Uncle Jon dozing in me and Todd's orange chair at our apartment in Anchorage.

Going Digital

While the Internet was not readily available in rural Dillingham, Alaska, where I spent the mid-90s, we did have cable TV, so I kept hearing all about how great the Internet was. At first, it seemed like a fad. Initially, I thought they were just talking about email and that people were overenthusiastic about it. Then you'd hear about kids causing trouble from information they found on the Internet and all the rampant porn. That's when I started getting excited about going online—so much information so easily accessible! In the analog world, you had to really hunt around for things.

When I returned to Anchorage in 1997, the World Wide Web (then commonly known as the "Information Super-Highway") was a mainstream phenomenon, but I still had never used a browser in my life. I was able to self-educate myself in the free computer labs of the University of Alaska, Anchorage.

"Fuck you, ape face!"

My brother was working on a digital scanning project for the campus library at that time, and one day he showed me how the scanner worked, which amazed me. He scanned a random comic book image I had with me and then showed me how easily you could add text. I've saved that image to this very day. It’s the one captioned, "Fuck you, Apeface."

We added that text to the original image. Pretty clever, huh?

Another Gilliom Bros. collaboration was, "Jesus Has Joined the Workforce" (below):

Jesus has joined the Work Force!

Yep.

Econoliner (Road Hog Weekend)

[Originally posted as part of "Road Hog Weekend," on The Real World...Blogger Style!]

When I think of living in Alaska, I think of driving around in a Ford Econoliner from the late 1970s.

My brother Todd purchased our first Econoliner down in Indiana. He added some special features to the original green van, most notably: a set of sexy mannequin legs protruding from one of the back walls:

Todd's customization job.

The legs were eventually removed so he could install bunk beds for his road trip to, and back from, Alaska. I was able to participate in the Green Econoliner's second Alaska trip in 1994 (documented in Van Log '94).

Mel, Laura, me, & Todd: Ready to set off to Alaska.

One of the green Econoliner's cool features was that the walls were covered with yellow shag carpeting. Carpeted walls = comfort:

Carpet.

In Alaska, the green van was more often referred to as the, "green egg van." This is because of a fried egg sticker Todd had adhered to it. People always asked what it meant. They usually took it to be reference to, "This is your brain on drugs." 

The "Green Egg Van" in Seward, AK.

While Todd drove and lived in the green egg van in Valdez, I relocated to Anchorage where I purchased a second, blue, Econoliner from a co-worker. This is the one I accidentally shot a hole in during my first day on a new job.

At the end of the salmon season, when Todd came back through town, the Gill Bros had two Econoliners on the streets of Anchorage. 

Two Gills in two Econoliners.

After that summer, Todd left me the green van and flew back down to Indiana, so I was blessed with two Econoliners.  I drove one and let Donald Kilbuck use the other one. They both made it through my first Alaskan winter. 

The Green Egg van turned back to Todd when he returned the following summer. It was ultimately deserted in Valdez after its transmission went out. Reportedly though, it would still drive in reverse for awhile and Todd tells me they would occasionally take it on a short drive into town in reverse!

The blue van became Donald's and he continued to drive it into the late 1990s when it finally gave up the ghost. By then, it had a steel bar welded to the front, acting as a homemade bumper and a patchy blue pattern from Donald spray painting over rust spots.

Let the Sun Shine: Donald & the blue Econoliner.

The blue Econoliner from my apartment window, Anchorage, 1997.

[Originally posted on The Real World...Blogger Style!, Feb. 12, 2006]

AK Autos

While I'm recalling Alaska, they had two vehicle modifications that I don't believe are common in most of the lower 48 (states).

1. Studded Tires - Every year, everybody swaps their tires for winter tires which include dull metal studs to maintain traction of frozen roads.

Tire stud informational display.

People sometimes use chains in the continental states, but the studs are better for long-term daily use (winters are a lot longer up there).

They're an extra expense, the unused set of tires (studded in summer, regular in winter) requires storage space, and changing them is another annoying task on the To-Do list every 6 months or so.

2. Engine Heaters - Alaskan vehicles come equipped with a small heater in the engine; it plugs into an extension cord and is necessary to prevent the engine oil from freezing overnight. So, the cars have little plugs coming out of their grills. It's common practice to plug in the car at night during the coldest couple of months of the year.

In Anchorage, modern apartment complexes had electrical outlets available on posts located in the parking lot, one for each parking space.

In Dillingham, we would run an industrial extension cord from the house to the van.

Here is a photo of me changing a tire on the ice, using a lever made from firewood to assist my piece-of-crap jack:

Changing a tire in a frozen driveway.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Dec. 29 2004]

Walk Dude

Dillingham, Alaska, when my brother Todd and I were there (1995–1997), was a very secluded part of the world—it still is, I guess, but internet availability probably changes a lot. When I was there, we had no internet, though we did have cable TV, so we weren’t entirely disconnected in terms of information, even back then. It was certainly physically disconnected, though. There were no roads to or from Dillingham; it was more of a hub town for a handful of scattered Yu'pik villages and a boat harbor with access to Bristol Bay. No fast food, though there were a couple of restaurants, bars, and grocery stores.

One year, our supervisor directed us to participate in the local parade. We drove the company van through the streets of Dillingham. While we didn’t have it together enough to create a proper float, we felt we should haul something, so we put an old Nordic Track exercise machine on the flatbed trailer and hauled that behind us. Our supervisor created a wooden figure which we all referred to as the “Walk Dude.” We added a few balloons and some signage to identify ourselves, and we were good to go.

The company van.

The "Walk Dude."

Signage, balloons, and brother Todd.

Driving into town.

It may not have been the most impressive parade float to ever see the light of day, but it served its purpose and it was hilarious. The weather was also terrible for a parade which made the whole endeavor ridiculous.

Once we hit town, there was a pretty good turnout:

 We threw out so much candy. The kids loved it.

 

It was pretty fun hauling a muddy balloon-decorated Nordic Track through town on a flatbed and throwing candy to the crowd.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Dec. 11 2004]