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[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Oct. 10, 2005]

Morning Mayhem Aftermath

Aftermath from last Saturday's automobile explosion on a pretty recently re-paved road.

Carnage. I should park here so they can't tell I'm dripping oil.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Nov. 21, 2005]

Blasts from the Past

During last month's travels, I was able to browse through old family photos for the first time in years. I brought a few of them home with me for scanning, like this one:

Me & Brother Todd in the 1970s.

I also learned that plaid clothing was a constant presence in my childhood photos.

The highlight of the trip was a box of memorabilia from my mother that had recently been delivered to my brother in Missouri. My mother died when I was 10 years old, so it was interesting to look through the stuff. A lot of it was famiiar from my childhood, though most of the photographs were totally new to me.

I'd never seen this one before:

My mother, age 3; with Santa Claus, 1950s.

Then there were my baby pics from 1970. It's pretty funny how little I've changed since then:

1 year old Jonnie, 1970.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Sep. 1, 2005]

Patriot Haircut

If anybody remembers the World of Warriors gun shop photo I posted last summer, you might recall the next door barbershop with a giant American flag painted on their storefront. Well, later that summer, the barbershop's owner also gave a patriotic makeovers to the parking berms directly in front of his shop as well. I kind of like that he goes all out like that. It's like some people with their Christmas decorations.

Patriot Haircuts.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, May 9, 2006]

Just the Good Stuff

A list of last lines from bawdy limericks.

So the town never sleeps after dark.

Fuck after fuck after fuck?

For after he fucked her, he ate her

Like Father John's thumb after mass

And the other we'll try after marriage.

One fore, and one aft, and one oral

And the general effect was quite lovely.

He went out in the yard and ate dung

For the thing she called "Utterly-utta!"

In the archiepiscopal pants.

His nose out of private affairs.

Again, and again, and again

Won't you do it again, Sir? Bis! Bis!

Against pinches, and pins in the ass."

And fell down again from the smell.

And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.

And now she is just a plain whore again.

For I certainly don't want to sin again.

And I do it again and again.

And ate up the whole afterbirth.

The scent-ah, that was a failure

Ah, you're changing the t to a p!

Is the squid that I keep in the sink

Or a goat, or whatever is handy

With the aid of his constable's truncheon

He rogered the national School.

And other odd mammals

Now ain't this a hell of a fug!

Ain't that foresight for ya?

Said she, You mean that ain't your finger?

But that ain't my prick-it's a spike.

If you've slept with that sonofabitch again

I'm surprised that by now they ain't mamas.

Ain't it grand and realistic!

But I don't feel as good as I did

This ain't a cunt-it's a corridor

With his backside awave in the air

It shot off in the air like a rocket

And was washed down the aisle on the froth

The arse on our parson needs fixin

But alas he was only a eunuch

Felt dear Alfred's delicious arse wriggle

And they promptly refunded his stub

And all he could shit was spaghetti

For all he had left was the skin

And bought her a chastity girdle

And now all her sisters are aunts

For which all her lovers may thank her

All got clap in their hindermost region

And framed, within miniature cunts

The waiters were all hanging low

And the doctors all fainted away

And the worst is, they all do it well

And dived in all covered with drool

To all but the spermatozoa

That he soon had her cunt all asmokin

(From a scholarly lexiconography paper discovered by Brother Todd).

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Apr. 29, 2006]

J Spot

Guess what this is -

My favorite parking spot in Von's supermarket parking lot has been memorialized.

I drive over to Von's every morning at about 5:45 a.m. and park there all day while I ride the bus to work. I'm gone for roughly twelve hours (8.5 working and 3.5 commuting both ways), then I drive back home.

Apparently they re-surfaced the parking lot on Tuesday and, since I wasn't around to move my car, they had to pave around it, leaving a huge unpaved spot, memorializing my favorite parking space.

I think it's cool.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Apr. 27, 2006]

Book of Lists #2

13 things I've learned from reading The Book of Lists #2 (1980):

1. Clark Gable would have been 80 years old if he had lived until 1981 (p. 1).

2. Breakfast cereals, once considered "junk foods" in 1980, are now often seen as healthy (p. 381).

3. Bob Dylan's forgettable Blonde on Blonde was ranked the second greatest album of all time by rock critics in 1978 (p. 164).

4. There is a street named "Nameless Street" in Manning, Iowa (p. 44).

5. An unpainted wooden stake lasts 1-4 years before disintegrating, while a painted one lasts 13 years (p. 245)!

6. "Gorgias of Epirus was born during the funeral of his mother. The pallbearers were shocked to hear unexpected crying and opened the coffin to discover Gorgias, who had slipped out of the womb and was very much alive" (p. 259).

7. In 1890, Leventon & Co. sold 180,000 Egyptian mummified cats from a burial ground near Beni Hasaan for 3.15 shillings per ton (p. 276).

8. A Picture is worth a thousand words - "The American Society of Magazine Photographers reported the base rate for a full-page photo was $75 for black-and-white, $150 for color. However, an illustration was much more expensive. Playboy paid $800 for a full-page color illustration, while its article rate was about 40 cents per word. On this scale, a picture would be worth 2,000 words (p. 142).

9. Nome, Alaska, was accidentally named after the word "name" miscopied from a British map in 1850 (p. 135).

10. For a 1977 Laugh-In skit, censors insisted the phrase "Don't forget to take your pill" be replaced with "Be careful" because the network objected to the implication that women plan in advance to have sex  (p. 205).

11. Joseph Heller’s Catch-22 was originally going to be titled Catch-18 (p. 229).

12. The Postman Always Rings Twice was originally going to be titled Bar-B-Q 

(p. 228).

13. "The giant squid is the most highly developed of the invertebrates. Its eyes are almost exact replicas of human eyes. Often confused with the octopus, which attacks humans only when threatened, the giant squid is a carnivorous predator. One notable incident occurred on March 25, 1941, when the British ship Britannia sank in the Atlantic Ocean. As a dozen survivors clung to their lifeboat, a giant squid reached its arm around the body of a man and pulled him below"(p. 109).

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Apr. 14, 2006]

Time Saving Tips #1

Clip your fingernails at work.
This will free up more leisure time later at home.

Glad to be helpful, there is no need to pay me.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Feb. 26, 2006]

Old Man Candy

One of my favorite Christmas traditions is buying a big container of what has come to be known as, "old man candy."

This year, I found 2 pounds for $1.99!

They probably won't make it to Christmas though. I automatically crunch into them as soon as I put them into my mouth.

The grape ones are my favorite. They are also kind of rare.

Second favorite is probably lime.

Least favorite is peppermint.

Sometimes you'll bite into one that tastes kind of like cologne with sugar. It doesn't taste terrible, but it doesn't taste good either.

This batch has a really good one that tastes kind of like cherry cough syrup.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Dec. 19, 2005]

Cover of Hardcore Magazine

Me, on the cover of Hardcore magazine:

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Dec. 7, 2005]

Morning Mayhem

At around 4:15 a.m. last night, I heard a loud BAM! and wasn’t sure whether it came from inside or outside the house. After looking around, I discovered it had come from outside, on the street.

Car explosion.

This happened right next door to me. In fact, in the larger photo, you can see the outline of a car in the lower left-hand corner—that’s my neighbor’s. My car was parked directly behind it.

Apparently, a vehicle came careening down the street and crashed into a trailer loaded with something explosive. In front of the trailer (though you can’t see it through the flames) was a massive tour bus that parks there every six months or so. That caught fire too.

I’m honestly surprised we still have power. The flames reached some overhanging power lines, which started sparking and eventually fell. That’s about when the police showed up and told everyone to get back inside their homes.

Update:
In the light of day, it turns out the trailer contained a racecar or dune buggy of some kind—apparently full of fuel.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Nov. 19, 2005]

Cement Mixer

A satisfied Rebel Leady Boy, after a day of making cement:

If you have access to a hard hat, wearing it in the car = extra safety.

I'm being hit with student loan payments already, so while I am looking for suitable employment, I had to come up with some cash immediately, so I returned to my local temp labor agency for some quick cash. Today's 8 hours were spent in Newport Beach, standing right here:

Rebel Leady Construction Site.

 I was originally going to be carrying bricks all day, but when the foreman asked if anyone wanted to make cement, I was like, "I do!"

My mixer.

Normally when I blindly volunteer for something, I usually regret it; but today was so great. Making cement is a pleasure, especially when doing it instead of carrying bricks. It's really easy and there's a lot of downtime where you can just stare at the cement mixer like TV. Or throw stuff in there and watch it get drowned. It's much like watching a laundry dryer full of batter.

Inside the mixer.

One other cool thing I saw today was these little miniature drywallers who were working on STILTS instead of ladders!

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Nov. 4, 2005]

Hard Work & Satisfaction

I received a fine prize in the mail yesterday from Gooseneck:

20 Most Asked Questions about the Amish and Mennonites

Cover.

I love the cover - big smile from the girl on the left, cautious discomfort from the girl on the right.

It was published in 1979 by a man and his child bride -

The authors.

Question #13 asks - "How are their women and children treated?" and the answer states, "A life of hard work and satisfaction".

The book is packed with facts. For example, some of the more culturally integrated Mennonites who drive cars will paint the chrome black to show separation from worldliness (or did so circa 1979 when this book was published - it sounds like a slippery slope to me, they probably just drive normal cars these days).

"Moustaches are forbidden because of their historical association with the military" (p.28).

While the Amish gladly pay property taxes and income taxes, they refuse to pay social security taxes because they don't believe in collecting the benefits. They got Congress to exempt them from paying into social security (if self-employed) on the condition that they agree to take care of their own elderly members.

Contrary to popular perceptions, Amish weddings are not arranged and Amish are totally into modern healthcare. They will go to modern doctors and modern hospitals if necessary.

Dead Amish are buried in a simple handmade pine box. "There are no eulogies. respect for the deceased is expressed, but not praise. A hymn is spoken but not sung" (p. 68).

While some members leave to join mainstream society, Amish and Mennonite membership was growing (in 1979) as they recruited new members from outside their traditional communities -

"Mennonite church in the south Bronx."

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Nov. 2, 2005]

Shower Heads

 I received a gift in the mail today from Purple Viper - Thank you, Purple Viper!

It's from a line of novelty shower heads from a 1980s called "Shower Heads." I think they were trying to say they put the "head" in "shower head" (or something like that) because they produced a whole line of shower heads adorned with rubber representations of various human and animal heads.

From the enclosed Shower Heads informational brochure.

Purple Viper sent a particularly appropriate Rchrd Nxn (sorry about the lack of vowels, I don't want to get picked up on search engines anymore) model:

Look at it go!

Thanks again, Purple Viper!

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Oct. 24, 2005]

Happy September

Happy September, you bastard.

A new variation on an old theme.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Sep. 26, 2005]

Rural Eateries

Uncle Jon's cabin site is in a pretty ideal location - about 50 miles north of Anchorage, and even closer to the growing city of of Wasilla; so you can still get into town pretty conveniently.

At some point after miles and miles of nothing but trees, you turn down a long gravel road, then another long gravel road, then there you are.

It's a pleasant little community of isolated cabins - everybody I met was real nice, nobody was full of shit.

The only nearby  commercial facilities (and by "nearby," I mean 20 miles away) are a couple of gas stations, a hardware store, and the occasional lodge.

The low population base makes waiting in line extremely rare. This was particularly impressive coming in from southern California.

Typical Alaskan roadside lodge.

Interesting hood ornament.

A little further, and you'll find a couple of local eating establishments, both of them provide huge portions:

Sunshine Restaurant.

Sunshine Restaurant is my favorite, it's right next to a gas station, so we ended up there more often than not. They always had a giant stack of newspapers piled on one of the tables. I don't know if they are ever packed to capacity with customers.

In the other direction, towards Willow, is the Trading Post:

Willow Trading Post.

This place was a little rowdier since it is also a bar in the evenings. Huge portions, again.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Sep. 7, 2005]

Go, Wood Chipper!

Jon Sr's Rural Alaskan Property Site.

I had a good time helping my Dad clear his property and roof his garage last month.

I really loved getting out of crowded California - most days, we didn't see more than 1 or 2 cars go by all day. When somebody drove by, everyone would stop and look because it was kind of a rare event.

And I very much loved using the rented wood chipper. The property site was originally just full of trees which Uncle Jon had pretty much cleared out by the time I arrived.

Once all the firewood had been cut and stacked, he was left with a mountain of brush. The locals don't like people burning brush because of the possibility of starting a forest fire (it's a tundra environment, so the ground is covered by a thick carpet of low shrubbery), so we had the pleasure to indulge in running everything through a rented a wood chipper.

It took us 8 hours (!) to clear all the brush.

Wood chippin'.

Just feed in the limbs -

- and out fly the chips:

It turned out an 80 year old former school teacher who lived out there had a use for those wood chips. She wanted to use them to pave her garden walkways, so we took her over a few truckloads and were rewarded by an amazing moose dinner!

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Sep. 3, 2005]

Homecoming

I'm back from my travels, just in time for my final MLIS class.

August was great! I got to help Jon Sr. build a garage on this Alaska property:

 Then I got to fly down to the mid-west to meet my brand new niece, Mina, in Missouri:

Mina & Uncle Jonnie.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Aug. 31, 2005]

Mayhem

Two disasters I witnessed this week:

1. An upside down Mercedes blocking 2 of the 55 Freeway's 6 lanes. It was just laying there upside down with its wheels in the air, dead. And 3 girls were smoking cigarettes next to it.

2. We were delivering some trench braces and the onsite backhoe apparently busted an underground water line, flooding the 10-foot deep trench in seconds. We were on the truck and all of a sudden heard a bunch of chatter, then 4 or 5 workmen came piling out of the trench they were digging and soon it was completely flooded and water was overflowing into the street. It was like when someone breaks a fire hydrant in a movie. A kid was coming uphill on a bike and when he turned the corner, a bunch of water was running down the hill at him and he looked really puzzled. Since it wasn't our fault, it was pretty funny, so we were laughing about it; then we loaded are truck really fast before all of our shit was underwater.

Those are pretty much the highlights of the work week. The weekend will be spent polishing off a records management final exam.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, July 29, 2005]

James, the Former Carny

The spider man guy in the previous post was named James, and I really like working with him. In addition to being a former carny, James is also a barrel of laughs. I took notes yesterday and recorded three noteworthy weird things he said or did:

1.)  Upon walking into the break room and finding Ambush Makeovers on the television -

James: "Fuck this! I don't wanna see an ambush makeover!"
[changes station to Judge Joe Brown]
James: "I wanna see someone get hung!!"

2.)  RE: "Day-O" by Harry Belefonte -

James: "Come Mr. Tallyman, Tally me banana" - You know what that means, don't you?"
Me: "He wants the foreman to count his bananas."
James: "NOoo - well, ok, maybe...but what it really means is he wants a guy to measure his dick."
Me: "HAHAHA"
James: "Well, yeah, 'tally my banana'! That's what it means."

3.)  Spider Venom Contest –

James: "Did you know the Daddy Long Legs is the most venomous spider in the world?"
Me: "No."
James: "Yep, but its fangs are so small, they can't break your skin."
Me: "huh!"
James: "Look it up! Or watch the Discovery Channel!!"
Me: "ok."
 James: "And I've always wanted to put a Daddy Long Legs and a Black Widow in a jar together         and see which one would walk out alive."
Me: "YEAH! I want to see too!! Let's do it here at work!"
James: "OK, keep your eyes peeled for a Black Widow and a Daddy Long Legs. And a jar. And keep your gloves on".
Me: "HAHAHAHAHA...OK!"

Other things I remember about James:

1. In the world of day labor, doing something "Mexican-style" means doing it half-assed. I learned that from Jay.  Though the Mexican guys we work with are probably the most competent guys on staff.

2. One day at lunch, somebody asked James, "What would you do if you looked down right now and there was a rattlesnake?"

James said he's always wanted to catch a rattlesnake and if he did, he'd skin it and make a headband out of the skin (with the rattle hanging off the back).

3. I give James a ride back to the Rebel Leady office after work and yesterday's James monologue went something like this:

James: "Did you know the fly is the only animal that can be frozen and then brought back to life?"
Me: "Really?"
James: "Yep - on the Discovery channel they froze one, then thawed it out later and it came back to life".
Me: "Like Captain Ameria!"
James: "Exactly! Freeze me solid and thaw me out in the year 3000! Or better yet, freeze me and thaw me out once there's a cure for AIDS!!"
Me: "hahahaha"
James: "The only other animal that can be frozen and brought back to life is the lobster. You can  freeze a lobster solid, then throw it in boiling water and the fucker will scream every time! You killed him once, now you're killing him again!!...Imagine doing that to a human!"

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, July 16, 2005]