Willow Weaving

When you're making rustic furniture, it's a fine line between looking really good and looking really crappy.

                                                           - Rustic willow-weaving instructor 

Ours both looked really good.

Life, Jim Thompson

 “Life is a bucket of shit with a barbed wire handle.”

– Jim Thompson, Texas By The Tail

Library Interaction: "Here's A Dollar"

Homeless girl who uses guest card every day puts a dollar in our Friends of the Library jar:

Girl: "Here's a dollar."
Me: "Thanks!"
Girl: "I took it from the tip jar at Starbucks."
Me: "Oh...well, thanks!"

Long Live This Ditch, 1983

Long Live This Ditch, S.G. & J.C. '83."

Found this message inscribed in a cement ditch. The message has survived 23 years so far, though it narrowly escaped destruction from a severe crack.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Feb. 4, 2006]

Overheard: 180 Days Sober

Two guys sitting in adjacent bathroom stalls talking shit about sobriety while, apparently, shitting:

Guy #1: "I drank myself into a coma. Woke up the next day, got a dog, and decided to be sober. Stayed that way for 180 days."

Guy #2: "That's it!"

Library Interaction: "16 & 18 Year Old Kids"

Man (frustrated): "The problem with everything these days is that media companies are only hiring 16 and 18-year-old kids to decide what counts as news and what gets made into TV shows and movies!"

Me: "What do you mean by '16 and 18-year-old kids'?"

Man: "Anyone under 50."

Me: "!"

Quote from Céline

whenever they get a chance, never fear, people make you waste hours and months ... they use you as a wall to bounce their bullshit off of ... blah! and blah! and blahblahblah! ... you put up with it for an hour, you'll need two weeks to recover ... blah! blah!                                          

   - Louis-Ferdinand Céline, North

James, the Former Carny

The spider man guy in the previous post was named James, and I really like working with him. In addition to being a former carny, James is also a barrel of laughs. I took notes yesterday and recorded three noteworthy weird things he said or did:

1.)  Upon walking into the break room and finding Ambush Makeovers on the television -

James: "Fuck this! I don't wanna see an ambush makeover!"
[changes station to Judge Joe Brown]
James: "I wanna see someone get hung!!"

2.)  RE: "Day-O" by Harry Belefonte -

James: "Come Mr. Tallyman, Tally me banana" - You know what that means, don't you?"
Me: "He wants the foreman to count his bananas."
James: "NOoo - well, ok, maybe...but what it really means is he wants a guy to measure his dick."
Me: "HAHAHA"
James: "Well, yeah, 'tally my banana'! That's what it means."

3.)  Spider Venom Contest –

James: "Did you know the Daddy Long Legs is the most venomous spider in the world?"
Me: "No."
James: "Yep, but its fangs are so small, they can't break your skin."
Me: "huh!"
James: "Look it up! Or watch the Discovery Channel!!"
Me: "ok."
 James: "And I've always wanted to put a Daddy Long Legs and a Black Widow in a jar together         and see which one would walk out alive."
Me: "YEAH! I want to see too!! Let's do it here at work!"
James: "OK, keep your eyes peeled for a Black Widow and a Daddy Long Legs. And a jar. And keep your gloves on".
Me: "HAHAHAHAHA...OK!"

Other things I remember about James:

1. In the world of day labor, doing something "Mexican-style" means doing it half-assed. I learned that from Jay.  Though the Mexican guys we work with are probably the most competent guys on staff.

2. One day at lunch, somebody asked James, "What would you do if you looked down right now and there was a rattlesnake?"

James said he's always wanted to catch a rattlesnake and if he did, he'd skin it and make a headband out of the skin (with the rattle hanging off the back).

3. I give James a ride back to the Rebel Leady office after work and yesterday's James monologue went something like this:

James: "Did you know the fly is the only animal that can be frozen and then brought back to life?"
Me: "Really?"
James: "Yep - on the Discovery channel they froze one, then thawed it out later and it came back to life".
Me: "Like Captain Ameria!"
James: "Exactly! Freeze me solid and thaw me out in the year 3000! Or better yet, freeze me and thaw me out once there's a cure for AIDS!!"
Me: "hahahaha"
James: "The only other animal that can be frozen and brought back to life is the lobster. You can  freeze a lobster solid, then throw it in boiling water and the fucker will scream every time! You killed him once, now you're killing him again!!...Imagine doing that to a human!"

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, July 16, 2005]

Which JohnnyC Quote are You?

In the mid-2000s, JohnnyC emailed me a list of outrageous metal quotations he had written down and saved. I was not sure what to do with them, but I thought they should be shared. I didn't know how to incorporate them into my blog, so the Which JohnnyC Quote are You? quiz was born. 

Original banner link to the quiz.

The quiz is no longer active. I may have to recreate it, but until then, here's a reproduction:

Which JohnnyC Quote are You?

JohnnyC has said a lot of crazy shit.

Which JohnnyC quote best characterizes you?

1. Which statement appeals to you the most?

a. "Lick my plate, you dog dick”.

b. "Nothing damages better than a brand new building”.

c. “Blarney Balls”!

d. "Bus Driver, I want to drive your bus”.

e. "I'm gonna try to get some off a skank at the Motel 6”.

2. If you could have any number of eyes besides two, how many would you prefer?

a. None            .

b. One.

c. Three to Nineteen.

d. Twenty.

e. More than twenty.

3. Which element best characterizes you?

a. Earth .

b. Wind.

c. Fire.

d. Water.

e. Meat.

4. You are pissed off because:

a. You are horny.

b. You only have one eye.

c. Your favorite electronics warehouse has vanished without a trace

d. They put cheese on your burger even though you told them:
    "Hamburger, not cheeseburger."

e. All of the above.

5. Who rocks harder?

a. Metallica.

b. Van Halen (David Lee Roth).

c. Van Halen (Sammy Hagar).

d. AC/DC.

e. Kiss

6. If you had to eat only one thing, what would you prefer?

a. White Castle.

b. Vienna sausages.

c. Something without cheese.

d. Poontang.

e. Nachos.

Possible Results

(sorted from most to least popular)

1. Rage and Mayhem - 24% of participants, awarded 61 times:

The clouds in the sky above float weightless, yet they attack me as if made of lead and crush me in fits of rage and mayhem.

2. Automated Warriors - 15% of participants, awarded 38 times:

Licking the fresh wounds of indifferent weapons, the helldogs gather behind the automated warriors and launch a terror assault against the demon children of mistrust and misunderstanding.

3. Misunderstood Agony - 14% of participants, awarded 35 times:

I bleed not red but the crimson of hate and the fire orange of misunderstood agony, and my mind is the chimney for the raging firebox of my tortured soul.

4. Wall Not Yet Built - 12% of participants, awarded 31 times:

Rain down upon me the drops of searing lust for destruction of wall not yet built and the wet tears of souls not hearing their destiny.

5. Ill Gotten Animals - 9% of participants, awarded 23 times:

Feed me the meat of ill gotten animals and let my disease begin to spread across the universe.

6. Beginnings of Armageddon - 6% of participants, awarded 14 times:

The sirens wail and the nukes rain down as the loathsome cowards, otherwise known as the world leaders, gather in their cocoons of sin and larceny, watching the beginnings of Armageddon in their palaces of anti-terror"

7. Beginnings of Armageddon - 6% of participants, awarded 14 times:

The cold skin of fear creeps down my back leading the last morsels of conscious thought into a paranoid rage as the curtains of night close on the theater of ultimate terror.

8. Retribution Against the Demons - 6% of participants, awarded 14 times:

The scorched earth,blackened by flames of tortured souls, screams in agony for retribution against the demons and vandals who lit the match with their blood stained fingers

9. My Festering Soul - 4% of participants, awarded 11 times:

Every passing of the satellites overhead keeps me cowering in fear of demons in black who wait for my miserable failure, feasting on my festering soul.

10.  Bleeding in the Gutter - 4% of participants, awarded 9 times:

As the mulleted skull lay bleeding in the gutter, I silently observed the remnants of horror in the eyes reminding me that rock and roll will never die, but flesh and blood is flesh and blood. 

Donald Kilbuck: Selected Correspondence In

Donald (left) & me (right) in Anchorage; Winter, 1994.

Excerpted from personal correspondence with Donald Wy. Kilbuck:

Hurry up and get up here with all the tools that you can find along the way.

Cash is good! With all my emotional cash shortage my wallet is empty. I feel fine even though i am broke i still have my truck too drive around with. 

I guess in order to swim in this world we got to take care of our best beastly body.

God help us all i am not all here. This must be another hell hole that God made for all the bad people too enjoy. Lot of nuts at work. 

I SEEN SOME WILD BIRD THAT NEEDED TO BE BLOW DARTED AT OR BOW N ARROW, BUT NOTHING AT HAND OR ANY CAMERA TO SHOOT THE FEATHERED FEAST.

I AM COMING DOWN WITH A COLD OR WHATEVER IT IS.

Jon! I will probably be at Dutch Harbor processing fish where the people will not be afraid of my straight forward threats that don't really mean anything.

I am harvesting all the ocean's flavors.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, June 29, 2004]

1984 Diary: Selected Excerpts

Selected journal entries (circa March-April, 1984) -

* "Today was a good day because nobody told me what to do and we all got along fine".

* "In gym class, James was making fun of me for not having much hair on my legs. I, myself, don't feel that having hairy legs is important at all...maybe I shouldn't even be his friend anymore".

* "Tomorrow is class. I hope I look good, because I haven't looked good in class even one time all year".

* "We went to a fish fry. It was fun, even though nobody from my class was there".

* "I didn't go to church today and I'm glad.
It's not that I don't believe in God, it's just that churches give me a real bad feeling".

* "I don't like how I look.
I prayed about it, but nothing happened.
I don't know what else to do".

* "I had a good day today. We didn't do anything in gym class...if tomorrow goes like I plan, tomorrow will be just as good".

* "One of my dad's friends finally decided to go into alcoholism treatment. We went to Ohio to visit him. It was fun".

* "Dad got mad at me for reading too much and not talking to anybody. He got so mad he was almost screaming, then he threatened to take away my comic books".

* "Grandma Roth gave me a new shirt - it has the name of her church on it".

* "Nick and I stole 2 of Uncle Rick's rubbers when we were over there for Easter.
We put one in a guy's mailbox and saved the other until today when we sold it to a kid at church for a dollar".

* "I got a new pair of jeans at the mall. All is well and I have no problems".

* "Today I worked in the school cafeteria and almost got fired for throwing a milk in the air & letting it land in the meat balls".

* "I guess there's nothing else to say, except good-bye". 

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Dec. 9, 2004]

Library Interaction: Kill the Imbeciles

Lady upset about recent terrorist attack:

"It's in their religion. They want to kill all the imbeciles."

I'm sure she meant, "infidels," but whatever.