Cat Scan

Machete’s unintended self portrait after she fell asleep on the scanner. In the resulting image, you can discern a couple of paws at the bottom. Suitable for framing.

Machete on the scanner.

[ Originally posted on The Real World…Blogger Style! – August 25, 2007 ]

"Martha Stewart: Apprentice", Week 3 Synopsis

Tonight's episode began with Matchstick (the "Creative" team) talking among themselves about how much they hate Dawn and want her to go home.

When the team observed Dawn & Jim return to the suite, both having survived last week's conference room firing; one team member commented, "I want to throw up,” because, ideally, at least one of the two would have been fired. After returning to the suite, Jim learned his wife had just given birth to a baby girl.

In the morning, Martha called the teams directly from her horse stable. She asked the team, "Just waking up? I've been up for HOURS" (as if she had been personally shoveling horseshit for 5 hours).

This week's task was to design, bake, and sell a wedding cake at a "Wedding Expo." Martha mentioned the wedding industry brings in $72 billion per year and generously allowed the teams to thumb through back issues of Martha Stewart - Weddings magazines for inspiration.

Matchstick team leader Shawn (the short-haired newscaster girl) was so confident, she told George Wannabe (second in charge, after Martha Stewart herself), "If we don't win this one, you can fire me personally".  George Wannabe seemed seriously concerned about this rash comment.  He confided to the camera that Shawn was, "boisterous".

Over at Primarius (the "Corporate" team), team leader Howie reprimanded his team when they complained he sent them to an Asian wedding store. "That's Bullshit!!!! blah-blah-blah-blah!!!!!"

["Bullshit" was censored by the network, but you could read his lips].

None of Howie’s team mates had ever seen him become that upset before and they were all relieved when he eventually calmed down and began hugging people instead of screaming at them.

Primarius was working late into the evening and the team members were all exhausted when they were paid a surprise visit by Martha Stewart's daughter, Alexis. 

Primarius claims the visit from Alexis, "lifted our spirits" because they enjoyed asking her questions about what it was like being Martha's daughter.

The next morning, Matchstick were so proud of their cake, they were practically screaming with glee. Team member Shawn hated the cake though. She hated everything about it, but mostly that it had a bow on it. She sulked all through the Wedding Expo and throughout the rest of the show.

There was a disgusting clip of Jim and David talking in the bathroom, strategizing in their underwear while David was trimming his facial hair - not good TV.

When all was said and done, Primarius (the "Corporate" team) sold 5 cakes while Matchstick (the "Creative" team) sold ZERO.  Martha asked Alexis to bring her back a piece of each team's cake so she could personally sample them.

After sampling the cakes, Martha commented, "It tastes homemade and that's what you want to go for in a cake".

As soon as she said this, Jim nodded excessively with fake enthusiasm, very unconvincingly.  If he was trying to communicate that he felt exactly the same way, that's not how it came off. It came off as impulsive, insecure kiss-assery.

Martha shook her head at the Matchstick team for losing all 3 weeks in a row and commented that the Corporate group is, "demolishing the Creative group." Matchstick should be ashamed of themselves.

Primarius' reward for winning was to have desert with Donald Trump and his wife. Martha called Trump personally on his cellphone during desert and Trump told her, "You have a real attractive group of winners here."

Then Trump asked if any of them would like to work for him (implying "instead of Martha") and they all yelled, "YES!" except for one girl who developed a very sour expression on her face.

The conference room scene was advertised in the commercials as "A Conference Room Twist" and it really was! After the usual nonsense, everyone was sent back to the suite except three members who were singled out. Martha and George Wannabe decided that everyone should be called back into the boardroom though. Their reasoning was that it wasn't the cake's fault nobody bought it and they wanted to fire one of the sales staff. I think the secret reason was because they wanted to fire Shawn for being boisterous earlier.

They asked Shawn why she said they could fire her if Matchstick lost and Shawn said that in the TV business where she works as a newscaster, everybody always says "Fake it 'til you make it" when they can't remember their lines.

Martha countered with, "I've been on TV for 12 years and I've NEVER said, 'Fake it 'til you make it'!!"

She then promptly fired Shawn for endorsing the slogan, "Fake it 'til you make it," as well as for being generally boisterous.

Martha still hasn't developed a catch phrase when she fires people (she probably didn't want to pay Donald Trump to say, "You're Fired" since he copyrighted it). Tonight she said, "I wish you well, but I have to say goodbye." Then she rolled her eyes as the team left the conference room.

Snippet from her goodbye letter to Shawn - "At Martha Stewart Living, everything we do has to be beautiful on the inside and out, just like the wedding cake".

The previews for next week look even better than this week's "Conference Room Twist".  The phrase for next week is, "One Team Won't Even Finish"!!!  I bet it's Matchstick again.

[ Source:  Real World…Blogger Style! - October 6, 2005 ]

Webcam Memories

A couple of screen shots from my short-lived webcam thing through The Real World...Bloger Style! during my Hulk Hands phase.

Hello, World.

Hulk Hands Charge.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Feb. 14, 2005]

Zonkboard Comics

For awhile, at The Real World...Blogger Style!, we'd make these online comics using text from our real zonkboard conversations:

Example Zonkboard comic.

The Cone Graveyard

There's no cones

Like snow cones.

Like no cones

That I know.

[Originally posted on The Real World...Blogger Style!, June 23, 2005]

Experiences with Canned Meat

[From RW...BS's "Canned Meat Weekend" (July 22-24, 2005)]

Canned meat has been a part of my life, and I’m happy to share this memory:

Chicken of the Sea – Back when I was living in the Alaskan Bush (pre-internet), entertainment was scarce. To pass the time, I started writing to companies in hopes of getting free coupons. One day, I wrote a letter to Chicken of the Sea, claiming that I had found a chicken feather in my can of tuna. I told them it was probably the result of a worker on the production line who thought it would be funny play on the product name.

Chicken of the Sea replied, saying that it was very unlikely for a worker to have done that, due to their stringent quality control processes. However, they did send me two coupons for free cans of tuna.

[Originally posted on The Real World...Blogger Style!, July 23, 2005]

Danbai

While I was in the bathroom taking pictures of my mouthwash, I thought My bottle of Danbai shampoo from L.A.'s chinatown was also worth a post.

Danbai.

It only looks girly on the outside. It is actually a very hardcore shampoo that smells a lot like burning plastic when you rub it into your scalp. I almost think it was mis-bottled.

The label is mostly written in Chinese, but 4 points are clearly emphasized in English:

1. Unnecessary to add other protecting elements. It is very convenient to use.

          Comment - True. It IS easy to use!

2. Containing rare herb...and more than ten kinds of amino acid...making the hair easily combed. Keep hair black forever and soft.

          Comment - Forever!

3. The function is moderate and safe.

          Comment - Not my usual function.

4. Full of sweet scents of fresh apple.

          Comment - No, it smells like melting plastic.

[Originally posted on The Real World...Blogger Style!, Sep. 1, 2005]

Enjuague Bucal

[From RW...BS's "Post Your Mouthwash" Campaign]

My current mouthwash is Enjuague Bucal from the 99 Cent Store. It carries a "Pharmacist's Preference" label,

"Pharmacist's Preference," Enjuague Bucal.

The product looks a lot like Listerine and I expected a good burn the first time I used it, but it is very watered down and not nearly as cleansing as its more expensive counterpart. A person could probably drink it, if they wanted to.

Don't drink mouthwash.

[Originally posted on The Real World...Blogger Style!, Sep. 1, 2005]

Knife Day

[From RW...BS's "Knife Day"]

I have 2 knives of note -

1. My first knife ever:

My first knife ever.

This was a gift from my father when I was 6 years old or so. The little metal plate says "Old Timer" and I've placed it on a bag of small flour tortillas for scale.

It is notable for not having a safety lock, so if you're not careful, the blade can close on your fingers while you're cutting something. Strange choice of gift for a six year old child. It taught me at a very early age to be careful when using knives.

2. Ulysses' Death Knife:

Ulysses' Death Knife.

I acquired this knife in Los Angeles when Ulysses (the guy who rented the basement of Miski's house) moved out and left it stuck in a tree. Miski didn't want it, but said I could have it. It is also placed on the same bag of small flour tortillas for scale.

I still use knives when needed, but I don't always use cutting boards. Somewhere along the line, I've acquired the habit of cutting vegetables while holding them in my hand.  I did this with a bell pepper at my Chinese Professor's house when she invited the class over and she was startled and horrified.  I keep my home knives pretty dull, but hers was super sharp, so that's probably why she over reacted.

[Originally posted on The Real World...Blogger Style!, Sep. 3, 2005]

Jonnie On Enrichment

Today is the two month anniversary of The Real World ... Blogger Style.
Your assignment is to write a post telling how being a member of the house has enriched your life.   -  Boz 3/19/2004 

Joining the blog-house has been much like accidentally falling into a swimming pool fully clothed at a public event. Initially embarrassing, and your money’s no good. But also, kind of invigorating and often refreshing, depending on the weather.

The RWBS has enriched my life far more than a job ever could.

[ Originally posted on The Real World…Blogger Style! – March 19, 2004 ]

Happy September, You Bastard

My contribution to the arts:

Happy September, you bastard.

[Originally posted on The Real World...Blogger Style!, Sep. 3, 2004]

Pinata Upskirt

Pinata Upskirt.

[ Originally posted on The Real World…Blogger Style! – October 22, 2006 ]

Real World Bathrooms

When I was part of The Real World...Blogger Style!, we all posted photos of our bathrooms one day.

Here was mine. This is when I was renting a room with a bathroom next door in Orange as I finished my MLIS.

Note the ergonomic toilet plunger handle.

2 sinks and a coffee pot.

[Originally posted on The Real World...Blogger Style!, Mar. 10, 2004]

Econoliner (Road Hog Weekend)

[Originally posted as part of "Road Hog Weekend," on The Real World...Blogger Style!]

When I think of living in Alaska, I think of driving around in a Ford Econoliner from the late 1970s.

My brother Todd purchased our first Econoliner down in Indiana. He added some special features to the original green van, most notably: a set of sexy mannequin legs protruding from one of the back walls:

Todd's customization job.

The legs were eventually removed so he could install bunk beds for his road trip to, and back from, Alaska. I was able to participate in the Green Econoliner's second Alaska trip in 1994 (documented in Van Log '94).

Mel, Laura, me, & Todd: Ready to set off to Alaska.

One of the green Econoliner's cool features was that the walls were covered with yellow shag carpeting. Carpeted walls = comfort:

Carpet.

In Alaska, the green van was more often referred to as the, "green egg van." This is because of a fried egg sticker Todd had adhered to it. People always asked what it meant. They usually took it to be reference to, "This is your brain on drugs." 

The "Green Egg Van" in Seward, AK.

While Todd drove and lived in the green egg van in Valdez, I relocated to Anchorage where I purchased a second, blue, Econoliner from a co-worker. This is the one I accidentally shot a hole in during my first day on a new job.

At the end of the salmon season, when Todd came back through town, the Gill Bros had two Econoliners on the streets of Anchorage. 

Two Gills in two Econoliners.

After that summer, Todd left me the green van and flew back down to Indiana, so I was blessed with two Econoliners.  I drove one and let Donald Kilbuck use the other one. They both made it through my first Alaskan winter. 

The Green Egg van turned back to Todd when he returned the following summer. It was ultimately deserted in Valdez after its transmission went out. Reportedly though, it would still drive in reverse for awhile and Todd tells me they would occasionally take it on a short drive into town in reverse!

The blue van became Donald's and he continued to drive it into the late 1990s when it finally gave up the ghost. By then, it had a steel bar welded to the front, acting as a homemade bumper and a patchy blue pattern from Donald spray painting over rust spots.

Let the Sun Shine: Donald & the blue Econoliner.

The blue Econoliner from my apartment window, Anchorage, 1997.

[Originally posted on The Real World...Blogger Style!, Feb. 12, 2006]

RW...BS!

Here's what I look like holding a melon next to a toy shopping cart:

Me w/ giant melon.

[Originally posted on The Real World...Blogger Style!, Nov. 14, 2004]

Poem for the Wayward Whales

The wayward whales were wandering west.

Wayward.

Way wayward.

[Originally posted on The Real World...Blogger Style!, Sep. 3, 2005]