The Plaid Brothers

 Jonnie and Todd Gilliom: The Plaid Brothers.

“We’re on a mission from mom.”

Bozeman Radiator Disaster

Here's a good radiator disaster pic:

Catching our antifreeze leakage in cooking pans.

It was in Bozeman, Montana, during our 1994 drive from Indiana to Alaska, when we sprang a radiator leak. We managed to limp into a Napa auto parts parking lot just before the engine overheated completely. We parked and let everything cool down, catching the leaking antifreeze in pans because we were afraid Napa might kick us off their lot if we flooded it with coolant.

As bad as that seemed, things only got worse from there. Among other disasters, our camp stove decided to give up on us too.

Laura with our faulty camp stove.

Things escalated fast after that. I was trying to help Laura with the stove when I managed to set a can of kerosene on fire. I looked down and saw the fluid around the spout starting to ignite. Without thinking, I hurled the can—straight at the Napa store building. It exploded almost immediately on impact.

Here's the result:

Fire at the Napa store.

I guess I was just thinking in terms of throwing it AWAY from the van and opposite of the van was Napa.

That got the store staff riled up more than antifreeze in their parking lot ever could have. Multiple staff members immediately came pouring out of the building wielding fire extinguishers. My first thought was to take a picture (above).

When brother Todd saw the explosion in his rear-view mirror, he just threw the van in neutral - coasted right over all those pans of antifreeze.

Laura fell down and peed her pants from laughing so hard.

It was freaking hilarious.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Feb. 10, 2004]

Easter, 1992

Sitting across the street from a church, eating easter candy.

Easter, 1992.

(L to R: Johanns, me, Jason S., Brother Todd).

Dreaming of a Plaid Christmas

 Jonnie and Todd, the Gilliom Bros. - Christmas in the 1970s.

Dick the Bruiser

Dick the Bruiser was a famous regional wrestler in the late 1970s and early 1980s, before the WWF bought out all the regional wrestling districts and brought them under one corporate umbrella.

As Hulk Hogan began appearing everywhere, the old-timers, like Dick the Bruiser, were relegated to wrestling in small-town high school gyms.

That’s how we had the chance to meet him in the late 1980s:

Meeting the legendary Dick the Bruiser.

Dick the Bruiser was a huge deal in the Midwest, and it was both a mixed blessing and a tragedy to see him wrestling in a small Indiana high school gym after the WWF effectively left him jobless.

Gilliomville Message Board commentary on Dick the Bruiser:

Remember when we went to that wrastlin' match at the Fort Wayne Coliseum when we were little kids? That was when Dick the Bruiser was a regional celebrity and his fights were still on TV, right before WWF took over everything.

I remember during one of the matches, someone tried to sneak a blackjack into the ring. I had never even heard of one before. Uncles Jon and Rick had to explain what it was. It was a few years later before I figured out the whole thing was part of the show. 

It was Dick the Bruiser that got smacked with the blackjack. After the show the fans just swarmed him, and we got close enough to Dick the Bruiser to see these little marks the blackjack left all over him. That made me think it was real. 

There was also a guy carrying around a HUGE bone. That was Leon Redbone! He'd jump of the corner rungs and smack people with that big bone. Then a guy from the audience went after Leon's red bone. I thought he was an old man, and I remember him kind of hunched forward pointing, and he kept saying, "He's got the stick. He's got the stick." I'm not sure that was part of the show or not. 
In the late 1980s, Dick the Bruiser was still wrestling, but the show was in our high school gymnasium, instead of on TV. In the heyday of professional wrestling, poor Bruiser was wrestling at high schools! It makes me sick. 

Hulk Hogan ruined Dick the Bruiser. But still, I bet he could have joined on with WWF if he would have wanted to. Why do you think he didn't? 

About 5 years ago I was reading an interview with some old wrestler who was doing a guest referee stint for the WWF. An interviewer asked him, "What was the worst thing you had to smell during your career as a professional wrestler?" His answer: "Dick the Bruiser". I thought that was a pretty strong statement considering I hadn't seen Dick the Bruiser's name in print since I was a kid at one of his shows. Then here's this old timer who'd seen it all and the worst thing he'd smelled was Dick the Bruiser? Come on! I think he had it in for him. He couldn't have smelt THAT bad! 

I just heard a great story about Dick the Bruiser. The Bruiser lived in a pretty nice neighborhood and liked to stir things up. Sometimes when he came home drunk, he liked to put on one of his wife's dresses and wigs and get on his motorcycle and tear through people's yards in the middle of the night. Supposedly, no one ever complained or called the police. Maybe the skid marks Dick left on people's sidewalks added to the value of their property. 

Potato Launcher

Probably our most outrageous source of entertainment in Dillingham was the potato launcher.

Our boss built it from PVC pipe—just the right diameter to snugly fit a potato down the barrel. At the base, he attached a wider plastic chamber with a screw-off cap, where we’d spray in the “fuel”: Aqua Net hairspray. (It worked great until they changed the formula; after that, we had to switch brands. The key was finding something flammable.)

He rigged it with an old electric grill starter and a bolt inside the chamber, so all it took was pressing a red button to send a spark across the chamber and ignite the hairspray. We kept a broomstick handy to use as a ramrod whenever a potato didn’t quite fit.

When you hit the button, it let off a loud bang that echoed through the trees, and the potato launched with surprising velocity. My supervisor once speculated that a direct hit could break a man’s ribs.

Potato Launcher.

Taking aim.

Todd prepares to launch a potato.

We used to set up targets in the backyard and fire the potato gun at them—usually an old trash can lid propped up with rocks.

That was one of the perks of living in the middle of nowhere. There’s no way we could’ve gotten away with that in a suburban neighborhood without drawing the attention of the neighbors—and probably law enforcement.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Dec. 17, 2004]

Records of Time

Getting rid of a stack of old Time magazines, Columbia City, IN; March 18, 1993:

A. Our first delivery was to Ballard Wood at the Columbia City Kentucky Fried Chicken. We gave him (or more literally, gave his manager) the December 25, 1989 issue of Time with Tom Cruise on the cover. Scrawled in red ink was the personalized message, “For Ballard, Love Ya”.

B. The second delivery was delivered with legal sanction after a girl at the Kentucky Fried Chicken had interpreted the Tom Cruise issue of Time magazine as a “pornographic book” and called the police who were glad to learn that we were only getting rid of our old Times. It was at this point when we received legal sanction and the Law suggested writing “For Ya” instead of “Love Ya” on the cover of future issues. We decided to avoid the problem entirely and wrote instead, “Time, Time, Do You Have Enough Time?” on the cover of the December 11, 1989 issue of Time (the cover was very good and depicted both George Bush and Gorbachev) and delivered it anonymously into the mailbox on the intersection of 9 and 14.

C. The third delivery was for the Yoders and was, more specifically, the January 15, 1990 issue of Time featuring an Antarctica cover story with a gorgeous penguin on the cover. We added, “Time, Time, Do You Have Enough Time?” in red ink.

D. The next delivery was one of the most appropriate ones of all. We found the January 1, 1990 “Man of the Decade” issue which boasted a huge close-up of Gorbachev’s face in a stately greyish silver hue. It looked just like Bob Britain, and in fact that’s exactly who we delivered it to, with “Bob, Bob, Do You Have Enough Time?” scrawled across the massive face. It was a very good tribute to Bob we thought.

E. The January 22, 1990 issue of Time (the one with the “Murder in Boston” cover story) was delivered in person by myself to Quincy’s pool hall (to Todd Wise in particular) with the message, “Quincy’s Quincy’s Do You Have Enough Balls?” written on it. I was very embarrassed to deliver this to them in person.

F. A random mailbox on Airport Road received the February 26, 1990 issue of Time with the curious message, “Time, Time, Do You Have Enough Time?” written on the cover.

G. This is delivery “G”, but in reality FOUR deliveries were actually left here because it was Chad Fry’s house. I’ll describe them all individually.

1. The first was for Chad and was the February 5, 1990 issue of Time featuring a “Mandela: Free `at Last” cover story. We added, “Chad, Chad, Go! GO! GO!” in red marker.                2. The March 2, 1990 issue was dedicated to Travis Fry, the cover dealing with Soviet Disunity. We added in red ink, “Travis, Travis, Do You Have Enough Time?”               3. We saved the “Starting Over” February 19, 1990 issue of Time for Denny and wrote in black, “Denny, Denny, Do You Have Enough Time?”               4. Finally, we gave Kathy the March 5, 1990 issue of Time which dealt with the subject of  “Gossip”.  We, in all respect wondered, and added in red, “Kathy, Kathy, How Much Can You Take?”

H. Julie Kissinger was the recipient of the December 4, 1989 issue of Time which dealt with the subject of “Women in the 90s”. We added the question, “Time, Time, Do You Have Enough Time?” to the original cover. I think we missed her mailbox, but she should have found the magazine anyway. It was laying in plain sight at the base of the mailbox. I wish we would have put it in the mailbox properly. But I wouldn’t consider that to be a mistake, its just a personal improvement that I would have made if I weren’t outvoted by the others.

I. The February 12, 1990 issue of Time featured a cover story about, “The Germans” and we gave this one to Jet and Anne Thompson along with the question, “Anne, Anne, and Jet, Jet, Which Side Are You On?” There was controversy in the van about adding Anne to the message, but I did and we couldn’t really just scribble her name out once it was written.

J. A glorious delivery was made to the home of Duane and Mel. We left them the “When Tyrants Fall” issue of Time (the specific date of which has been lost in our records), to which we added, “Time, Time, Do You Have Enough Time?”.

K. Mr. Longenbaugh received the January 29, 1990 issue of Time (an issue dealing with the NRA). We originally meant to give it to Bryan, so it said, “Bryan, Bryan, Do You Have Enough time?” on the cover.

L. A December 1989 issue of Time, an issue addressing the problem of “Money Laundering” was delivered to Mrs. Stroup. On the cover was written, “Senora! Senora! Donde esta su penis?” Before each “Senora”, an upside-down exclamation mark was added in the Spanish style. I also jotted a little bit more Spanish on the back cover, but our record of this is lost. I just thought I’d mention it. It was no big deal.

M. The March 26, 1990 issue of Time (featuring “The Germans”) was intended for Shane Yunken, but was left in the yard of one of his neighbors instead. We wrote “Time, Time, Do You Have Enough Time?” on the cover.

N. The November 27, 1989 issue of Time was left out for the Ivys. The cover story dealt with “Art and Money” and we asked the question (in writing, not in person), “Time, Time, Do You Have Enough Time?”. It was left on a pile of debris in their yard.

Blasts from the Past

During last month's travels, I was able to browse through old family photos for the first time in years. I brought a few of them home with me for scanning, like this one:

Me & Brother Todd in the 1970s.

I also learned that plaid clothing was a constant presence in my childhood photos.

The highlight of the trip was a box of memorabilia from my mother that had recently been delivered to my brother in Missouri. My mother died when I was 10 years old, so it was interesting to look through the stuff. A lot of it was famiiar from my childhood, though most of the photographs were totally new to me.

I'd never seen this one before:

My mother, age 3; with Santa Claus, 1950s.

Then there were my baby pics from 1970. It's pretty funny how little I've changed since then:

1 year old Jonnie, 1970.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Sep. 1, 2005]

Half Yards

Gill Bros w/ half yards in St. Louis, Mo.

Gill Bros. - Todd & Jonnie.

Van Log, 1994: A Collective Narrative

Van Log '94.

May, 1994: Brother Todd and I, along with our friends Mel and Laura, left our hometown of Columbia City, Indiana, to embark on a cross-country road trip to Valdez, Alaska. Officially, we made the journey to work in the fishing industry, but it was also about getting some kicks and enjoying a change of scenery. We drove Todd’s green 1974 Ford Econoliner van, complete with a fried egg decal on the side and orange shag carpet on the interior walls.

Van Log: We brought along an audio cassette tape recorder to log any comments or observations we felt were worth remembering. The recorder, along with the collection of nine or ten audio tapes we made, became known as the "Van Log."Van Log 1994 is a collective narrative, much like Wikipedia. Instead of identifying individual speakers when transcribing the audio tapes, I blended everyone’s statements into one running commentary. The same paragraph might incorporate statements from any or all four of us, or it could even include comments from a fifth or sixth person who happened to be around the tape recorder at the time. Van Log '94 is perfectly coherent without identifying each individual speaker, though I occasionally placed conversational dialogue in quotation marks to indicate when a conversation was taking place between two (or more) people.

We were all unseasoned travelers at the time, and what might come across as naive, irresponsible, or even stupid in these logs was, in reality, just careless youthful exuberance and (possibly misdirected) lust for life in all of us. Some of the things we did were embarrassingly stupid, but that was part of the adventure—learning through experience, no matter how misguided at times.

Forward by Todd               South Dakota, pt. 1               Washington

Leaving Indiana                South Dakota, pt. 2               British Columbia

Illinois                               Wyoming                               Hyder, AK (side trip)

Wisconsin                         Montana                                Yukon Territory

Minnesota                         Idaho                                     Alaska

                                    

Van Log, 1994: Forward by Todd

The Van Log was a good companion in 1994. A battery-operated one-speaker cassette recorder/player, a confidant, and a witness to a cross-country trek of four Hoosier youths in search of adventure and fortune in the fish processing industry of Valdez, Alaska.

Adventure is easily had for such an optimistic and desperate troupe as we were, equipped with a knack for being entranced by nearly anything to be found outside our small hometown in Indiana. The notion of finding fortune (the other goal of our journey) in fish processing is, of course, absurd.

We might now be judged to have acted foolishly or naively, but the truth is that while we sought adventure and fortune, we did not really care that much whether we succeeded or not.

Three of us had made various parts of the journey before, so we knew ahead of time some of the possibilities and hardships that lay before us. So, with nothing to gain or lose, we hoped for the best.

In 1994, the Van Log was nothing new however. The idea of the Van Log was originated in 1992, by a different group of travelers, two of whom returned for the 1994 trip. The term "Van Log" was originally derived from Star Trek's "Captain's Log," and some of the entries include reference to "Van Date," an attempt to transform a clear statement of date and time into a confusing jumble of numbers, in imitation of the star dates on Star Trek. At some point, the jumbled van date is abandoned in favor of just saying what time it is.

Van Log O.G.s, 1992: Mel, Todd, & Ross.

On to part 1: Leaving Indiana

Or, go anywhere:  

Van Log '94: A Collective Narrative:

Forward by Todd               South Dakota, pt. 1               Washington

Leaving Indiana                South Dakota, pt. 2               British Columbia

Illinois                               Wyoming                               Hyder, AK (side trip)

Wisconsin                         Montana                                Yukon Territory

Minnesota                         Idaho                                     Alaska

Van Log, 1994: Leaving Indiana

We're all together, our own calendar. Month of Departure the 1st. 

We're finally done talking about it, planning, getting everybody together, and we're on the way right now. The wheels are rolling and we're on the road. We've got pop and cigarettes and we're getting out of working in the garden today. They're growing peppers and tomatoes and tobaccy. Gotta go get the cash and that's it.

Van Crew, '94: Todd, Jonnie, Mel, & Laura. Ready to leave Indiana.

We were planning on leaving earlier, but everybody had shit to do. It wasn't a deadline anyway.

Laura went into Pizza Chef to get her check. We're gonna go into the bank and cash it and it's gonna be a long ride.

We've crossed the 1st border of the trip. We're in Kosciusko County. I may never be back in Whitley County.

First hitchhiker. Maybe. We're going to go talk to him.

Andy! He's going to Chicago. We could take him further if he wanted to.

There's a giant dragon and there's a giant inflatable ape in a used car lot - A NEW car lot!! And there's a big bull. This is the Land of the Giants.

"Valparaiso is - in addition to the huge bull and the huge dragon - there's a huge mound of dirt in the middle of nowhere..."

"It's a huge anthill!"

"But the Bigboy at Azar's was small."

"Maybe compared to the bull he just seemed small."

"Indiana's own Little Texas."

So far, so good. 
Continue to Illinois

Or, go anywhere:  

Van Log '94: A Collective Narrative:

Forward by Todd               South Dakota, pt. 1               Washington

Leaving Indiana                South Dakota, pt. 2               British Columbia

Illinois                               Wyoming                               Hyder, AK (side trip)

Wisconsin                         Montana                                Yukon Territory

Minnesota                         Idaho                                     Alaska

Van Log, 1994: Illinois

Our hitchhiker's parting words: "Life is short and pain is long. We're all put on this Earth to help each other."

We're in Chicago & we dropped Andy off. He's going to the youth hostel, gonna look someone up. We're in the Chicago traffic trying to get on, but it looks pretty bleak. Downtown Chicago viewed from the expressway at a crawl.

We're at a standstill. We're below Zero miles per hour on the speedometer and the Animals are playing on the tape deck. We'll probably hear the whole tape before we get out of here.

The scenery is as follows: Billboard that says, "Everybody Gets Their Asphalt from Sherwin (414) 281-6400".

Other scenery: There's a Pizza Hut all you can eat for $3.99.

Something that says, "Butter" on the sign. It could be a factory. It's not a store.

There's a Delta Catfish Processors Factory Incorporated. A couple of church steeples peeking off in the distance, then there's a car sign way up above everything.

In contrast to the drab greys - and even a drab red! - there's a drab red building! Lots of beige & dirty white.

Now we're going along at more than a crawl, but I don't think for long.

There's a billboard for "Apple Beeper".

Now we're close to the Apple Beeper sign. There's a chick in a swimsuit on the billboard & it's like you could touch her. She sticks out.

6:31pm: We're up to 43 mph on the expressway. We're finally moving. It can't be as bad as it was.

Will it be as bad as it was?

Find out in Wisconsin

Or, go anywhere:  

Van Log '94: A Collective Narrative:

Forward by Todd               South Dakota, pt. 1               Washington

Leaving Indiana                South Dakota, pt. 2               British Columbia

Illinois                               Wyoming                               Hyder, AK (side trip)

Wisconsin                         Montana                                Yukon Territory

Minnesota                         Idaho                                     Alaska

Van Log, 1994: Wisconsin

We've just been welcomed to Wisconsin. I'm looking out over expansive rolling hills with some trees. This is the Wisconsin dairy land we're talking about and it's beautiful. We just passed through a very small town called "Slade's Corner" which, according to the sign, is "unincorporated."

Stretching our legs in Winnebago, Wisconsin.

We're at Lake Geneva. A lot of green in this town. Headquarters of TSR, who had complete domination over my life in high school. 

It's cold in Geneva and they don't even know it.

We saw a sign for Champ's advertising their chicken and a place called Fat Cat's. A bar.

Our waitress commented, "Isn't the weather nice?" We thought she was just joking; or making conversation, but she was referring to the bad weather here earlier that we missed.

"Hair of the Dog" Grooming. Play that Ramones cover album next.

Instead of naming their counties, Wisconsin identifies them with letters,but they do name their towns.

We stopped for cigarettes pretty much & they were overpriced. We're getting into the potato salad now, thanks Andy.

9:55 pm - We're sitting in the parking lot of a funeral home or something with a blinking light. It stopped now, but it was blinking erratically. We stopped because we're not sure what's going on because Highway 50 ended. We're looking at the map now. It'll turn into Highway 14. We're listening to Ween and I'm craving drugs. We're parked in a "Drug Free Zone" too. We dedicate Ween to the "Drug Free Zone". This is exactly where we wanted to go.

10:30 pm - Our first roadkill: Blood for at least 30 feet & just a mutilated deer. Not a very big one. Carnage.

Earlier today, I saw a roadkill that I didn't think was worth reporting because our hitchhiker was present. It was a groundhog. There was no visible wound, but it was swelled up like it was ready to pop. It was in bad shape. There were no visible smears, but there were definitely small chunks surrounding the area. It could've been a man. It was just bloody carnage. Land of Semis and Roadkills.

I would say that Wisconsin is big on corn, fudge, no shirts, closing early & ice cream advertisements.

There's another martini glass on the Steak Pit sign. There are a lot of signs here with Caribbean ads. Resort themes. I've gotta pee & we've gotta find gas. We're looking for a gas station.

"Ride the Ducks - Wisconsin Ducks". There's no gas station, but we could ride the ducks. Wisconsin has its priorities straight. Let's not go to Alaska. Lets just work in Wisconsin Dells & live in the van. I'll work at the gas station, you work at the Taco Bell.

We're in the Wisconsin Dells, lots of tourist shit. "Open All Night", but "No Wine After Nine".

When I was in the gas station, two guys of obvious Native decent saw my earring & asked me, "Wakka Tu?". I have no idea what that meant & I asked them what it meant & they said, "Never mind" and walked away. I asked the gas station attendant what it meant and she said the Indians here are really hip on being Indians and usually they'll stop and explain it to you; but they were drunk and that's why they didn't. I guess she knew them.

Two clocks say it's 9:30 & two say it's midnight! Who to believe?

I anticipate that when I have a family & children, I'll take them to the Wisconsin Dells. "Big Chief Go-Kart World", "Family World", "Ripley's Believe It Or Not Museum", "Norman Rockwell Museum", "Biblical Gardens", "Ride the Ducks", "Mexicali Siesta", plenty of taverns, "Competitive Go-Kart Prices", "Boat Ahead", water slides, a lot of fun.

"El Roy Sparta".

1:00 am - I saw a shape fly by. We're balling it through Wisconsin.

Let me tell you about this roadkill: I didn't see any arms or legs nor did I see any wounds were they once may have been. It was cigar shaped & there was a spot of blood on each end.

I was in the fast lane passing a truck & I looked down between my wheels & there was a roadkill, right in the center of the 2nd lane. It was kind of round like a puffball & I wouldn't hit him. I'm not going to hit any. Ah...I dropped a cigarette & it's way down.

We stopped at a rest-stop & Mel's getting his boots on.

These people are confused. They have lofty expectations.

Will expectations be so lofty elsewhere? 
Find out in Minnesota

Or, go anywhere:  

Van Log '94: A Collective Narrative:

Forward by Todd               South Dakota, pt. 1               Washington

Leaving Indiana                South Dakota, pt. 2               British Columbia

Illinois                               Wyoming                               Hyder, AK (side trip)

Wisconsin                         Montana                                Yukon Territory

Minnesota                         Idaho                                     Alaska

Van Log, 1994: Minnesota

Big Buffalo Bill.

Day 2, 10:21 am: 75 miles from Minneapolis. First roadkill of the day was a decapitated deer. Just blood everywhere. A bloodbath.

OK, there's a Historical Marker. We just passed it. This is not the Mississippi River, this is the St. Croix. I guess it makes sense. In St. Paul they had maps of the Mississippi & we're not anywhere near St. Paul. We'll see the St. Croix instead, which seemed a mighty river to me. It joins the Mississippi.

We're now at the borderland of the two gas station giants of the United States - Amaco & Texaco. Amaco's on that side of the St. Croix & Texaco's on this side. I wonder if that affects price fixing.

We're waiting for the drawbridge to close. It's slow.

We got out where the Mississippi meets the St. Croix & looked around. The Mississippi's muddy. Todd found a lure, we peed in the Mississippi, a train went by. There's a bar here called Seal's Place & another called Boat Drinks and there's a boat with Beavis & Butthead painted on it.

Peeing in the Mighty Mississippi.

We're south of St. Paul - at K-Mart. We stopped to call Kathie & she's not home.

2:30 pm: We're in Minneapolis. Everybody here drives the speed limit. We're going to let Mel drive.

Mile Marker 159 on 19 West in Minnesota. It's the most beautiful country we've seen yet. The wind's tough, isn't it Mel? I've never seen Mel sit up so straight unless he was trying to prove something to somebody. Convince somebody of something. To make a point. Those horses were looking at us back there when we changed drivers. There's the "Broujak Funeral Home" and a kid.

Mel hasn't hit anyone. Thank God. We've left the town. There was a mailbox back there that was hit. Not by Mel. The van is unscathed. No roadkill, no mishaps of any kind. Laura's drawing pictures & Jonnie's on the top bunk, we're playing Lou Reed.

For the first time on the trip, I've felt the pressure that says I'm at a different altitude.

The soil here is black. It is just chock full of life-giving nutrients and it will still be good in 100 years.

We ate at the feet of Buffalo Bill Cotdy's statue. We ate on the ground because none of us could ever stand shoulder to shoulder with Buffalo Bill.

Back at the Frontier Village there was a big Buffalo Bill & a big buffalo.

Are you still with us?

Stay with us at least into South Dakota

Or, go anywhere:  

Van Log '94: A Collective Narrative:

Forward by Todd               South Dakota, pt. 1               Washington

Leaving Indiana                South Dakota, pt. 2               British Columbia

Illinois                               Wyoming                               Hyder, AK (side trip)

Wisconsin                         Montana                                Yukon Territory

Minnesota                         Idaho                                     Alaska

Van Log, 1994: South Dakota, pt. 1 - Wall Drug

8:26 pm: Roadkill Report:This wasn't messy, it was a clean kill. It was a racoon rolled-up in a ball by the side of the road. A billboard reads, "South Dakotans Reject Animal Activists". This is the home of the Cattle Ranchers.

We're looking for signs that will lead us to the Corn Palace. There's a big cow statue that would not fit in the van. It would fit on a flatbed though. Pick it up if you're ever in Mitchel with a flatbed.

A large city-bought sign in green is directing us to the Corn Palace. There's the Mouse House Cheese Shop. The Freedom Gas Station. It's a dollar two instead of a dollar ten.

There's the "Taco Tienda With More." "Free Parking, No Overnight Camping."

Corn Palace; Mitchell, South Dakota.

Day 2, 10:20 pm: We just came out of the Townhouse Cafe and it wasn't bad. We had the pot of coffee. The music's getting kind of mellow, let's put on the Misfits. I haven't heard the Misfits in a long time. We're getting ready to make a long haul towards the Badlands. We found out a lot about Custer Park where they have a bunch of buffalo that run into the road and some mules you can pet, so we plan on going there.

We just entered the Mountain time-zone. That means we are now very west and after the Rocky Mountains, we'll be extremely west. We'll be coastal. We're about 60 miles from the Badlands.

I'm kinda jacked-up from all of that coffee we had in Mitchel. I'm feeling like a rocketship here. I took a nap, maybe that had something to do with it. After we had coffee, I took a nap. Explain that. But now I feel like a million bucks.

We could buy some liquor and get plastered. Set up a tent and drink. I'm not gonna sleep tonight, so if we get there and nothing's open, let's start a fire and cook something. Eat and drink and make merry by a fire. Do we have anything we could cook on a fire? We could fry Spam.

If we feel like it tonight, we're gonna fry bananas on a fire and drink liquor

Did you see that? I thought it was an animal at first, but it was a big ball of tumbleweed.

I had an accident! We were coming up on the scenic overlook to camp out and I took the exit and at the top of the exit, what I thought was a space to merge onto the freeway was actually a solid concrete curb and I flew up over that at a pretty good speed and I definitely reamed-out the right front tire really bad. I'm assessing the damage.

Flat.

By the side of the road.

Taking it all in stride.

We're stopped right by a "No Camping" sign. So, that's the situation. Mel landed on me. We may be okay. Jesus Christ, that was a close one. My apologies. No alcohol was involved.

A car with a couple of guys came up to help us out. They let us try their jack. The problem is that one of the lug nuts isn't coming off with the tire iron we have. We tried their tire iron, but it was too small so they've gone to call a tow service. Not that we need a tow, but they could probably get the lug nut off. They'd probably be equipped to handle that.

It's a beautiful night, lots of stars are out and there's a heavy wind. I guess, for a wreck, it was pretty good; but I wouldn't want it to happen again. Hopefully soon we'll be rolling again.

Day 3, 8:45am: Lug nuts are off. It's a beautiful place we were sleeping. A camper was here and I went over to ask them if they had a tire iron when a guy pulled-up and said he had the perfect one. He's had it for fifteen years and he had a lot of faith in it. It was a cross. He was a man of God from Ohio. An evangelist. Now we're waiting for someone to come along with a jack. We slept outside on the prairie. The dream-catcher is done.

Did you shoe-goo it?

9:11 am: We got some wood under the jack. We got it up to where it won't go up any further. We tried to take it down and it won't go down any further either. So now we're left with the van precariously placed on 3 blocks of wood.

10:00 am - Some people from Indianapolis, Indiana, pulled up. Really nice guy, gives us his jack and goes off to see the scenery. We got the tire changed and as we were changing the tire, he told us the entire history of Billings, Montana. He was really up on it. His last name was "Billings" and that's the reason he was going there. The only reason he was going there. Just wanted to see it. He researched back to 1794 and as far as he can tell, he's not related to the guy, "Billings", who started the town; but he thinks a few hundred years back, they probably were related. That Billings had a son named Frederick and a daughter named Laura and so do they. And we have a Laura too.

It's all turned out well. In evaluation of the whole situation, I think that we all did pretty well. Took it all in stride. None of us freaked out. I liked sleeping out in the wind and grass. I'm taking this as a personal lesson to watch my speed. 

"I could have killed everybody."

"Don't get solemn on us."

"I could have hurt somebody."

If that wasn't a prairie...we would've gone off a mountain in Alaska. We'd have plunged to our deaths.

We're gonna go to Wall and check the alignment and put the other rim on the other tire. While we're there, we're gonna go to Wall Drug. "Auto Parts at Wall Drug", there's a sign they could put up. While we drive to Wall, I am brushing my hair and throwing the knots out the window, where they shall become tumbleweed and roam the prairies forevermore.

Wall Drug; Wall, South Dakota.

2:22 pm: We went to Wall Drug; got postcards, got coffee. Have we been busy! We saw Smilin' Sam play the piano, got some good pictures. Sixty cents and we got all the coffee we wanted. Couldn't drink any more. It was a dream. I bought a hack. I called home and that bastard bitch of Satan's spawn of a Godmother I have (and I hope you hear this, you stupid slut) wouldn't let me talk to my own mother.

Smilin' Sam.

Wall Drug attraction.

Bronco Bustin' Laura.

Taxidermy party.

Howdy.

Stay with us as we enter the Badlands, 
South Dakota, pt. 2

Or, go anywhere:  

Van Log '94: A Collective Narrative:

Forward by Todd               South Dakota, pt. 1               Washington

Leaving Indiana                South Dakota, pt. 2               British Columbia

Illinois                               Wyoming                               Hyder, AK (side trip)

Wisconsin                         Montana                                Yukon Territory

Minnesota                         Idaho                                     Alaska