Supplement to "My Experience Falling Through a Bathroom Ceiling"

Referring back to my earlier post, My Experience Falling Through a Bathroom Ceiling, I’ve always wished someone had taken a photo of the moment. Thanks to the magic of A.I., I’ve now created a rough approximation of what it might have looked like to see me crashing through the ceiling of a high school restroom.

1.) First try - This first attempt could almost pass for a young Gary Numan plummeting from a high school restroom ceiling. Still, it misses a few key details—the falling debris that should be raining down around me, and, of course, the suit jacket I was actually wearing that day.

2.) This is more like it. It included the broken ceiling and showed me coming down on top of a toilet. Also, I look like Ryan.

3.) I look like Brother Todd in this one - kick open the door!

4.) This one captures my confusion pretty well, though the toilet is halfway up the wall.

Anyway, I guess you would have had to have been there.

Foot Treatments (Reflexology)

As discussed on the Gilliomville message board:

Grandma Hazel always wanted to give foot massages, and they were ruff, she used to dig into my foot and crunch the arches, it felt like glass was breaking in my foot, grandma would say it was the crystals breaking, I would ask why there are crystals in my feet, and she responded it was from drinking too much pop.

She would always work out the "crystals.” She'd say it was unhealthy to let those "crystals" build up in your feet. There always was something kind of popping when she rubbed the foot though, I guess it was just muscle tension or something, but I believed her and imagined crystals were developing in my feet. I believed that as gospel for years until I realized I'd never heard anybody else talk about crystals in their feet. I don't know when I stopped believing in foot crystals, but I never actively disbelieved it. I just learned it was a weird topic that was best left undiscussed with my fellow school children.

After Hazel gave foot treatments, she would have the grandkids do her feet too haha - she knew we hated to do that, so she'd let us divide the work - one kid per foot. Then Todd and I would each only have to do one foot. It was pretty horrible though. She had gnarly toe nails.

Hazel called those foot massages, "foot treatments.” She practically considered it a medical procedure. She learned this from Saul the Amishman who sold vitamins, gave foot treatments, and was widely hailed as a miracle worker in the area. He would not charge anything for a consultation, though you would have to pay for any vitamins he prescribed. 

Some days, Saul would work by appointment, but one day of the week was "first come, first serve.” Saul's Amish farm would be full of cars, sometimes people would come from outside the state to be diagnosed and treated by Saul. Grandma credited him with all kinds of miracles. My Dad had a recurring condition that kept returning despite the advice of a number of conventional doctors, but after he had Saul look at it, it was cured for good.

One year, Saul sold more vitamins from a particular company than anybody else in the country, so the vitamin company told him he won a free car. Since he was Amish though, he could not accept it; so they bought him a new buggy instead. Hazel said she saw the buggy and, "it was a really nice one.”

I remember Saul had a day of first come first serve. Mom said there was a guy that was there at 4:00 am and just slept in Saul's yard till he opened at 7:00 am. Jonnie, I remember the new buggy! That Saul sure could sell the vitamins!!

Saul (and Hazel) believed in the pseudoscience called Reflexology, though they never called it by that name. Reflexologists (and Hazel, and me as a child) believed that particular areas of the foot corresponded to other organs of the body and when that organ is experiencing problems, there is corresponding tension in that area of the foot. By massaging the tension out of a particular area of the foot, a person can make the corresponding organ healthier as well.

When Hazel was rubbing my feet and something would hurt, she'd say, "That's your kidneys"! I totally believed it as a kid, Hazel seemed to be so sure that's how it was and Saul was such an esteemed figure, it never crossed my mind they didn't know what they were talking about.

Reflexologists refer to diagrams or maps of the human foot with all the corresponding body parts written on it, so if somebody has tension in a certain part of the foot, you can find out which corresponding body is unhealthy. Some years ago, I was showing somebody one of these diagrams and it had everything - kidneys, liver, sinuses, head etc. marked. The only thing missing was the feet. We were laughing about that. Apparently, reflexologists don't account for troubled feet. If your foot hurts, it is always symptomatic of a different body part.

What a weird thing! And it seemed so normal to us to go to Grandma's and get foot treatments.

Grandma took me to see Saul once - He looked in my eyes with a magnifying glass and he could tell what vitamins or herbs your body needed. He would place a container of a particular herb or vitamin in your hand then ask you to stick the other arm straight out, then he would grab it like a lever, say "Resist me", and try to push it down. Then he would have you hold a different vitamin or herb and do the same thing. If a vitamin wouldn't help you resist him, he would not prescribe it, but if it gave you the strength to keep your arm up while he pushed against it, then that meant your body needed that one.

He told me I needed potassium and then Grandma added, "You should eat bananas every chance you get.” I think I left with about four different herbs he said I needed.

How To Eat a Soft Taco

From Taco Bell, probably the late 1980s, possibly very early 1990s, but I think it was the late '80s.

These helpful instructions were printed on Taco Bell's soft taco wrappers:

Taco Bell: How to eat a Soft Taco.

How to eat a Soft Taco without the mess!

   1. Leave Taco in Pocket Wrap until ready to enjoy!

   2. Unfold wrap to expose just enough Taco for a bite or two.

   3. Keep folding away wrap until each delicious bite is gone.

I don't eat them this way, I'm afraid of biting into paper.  I completely unwrap it and risk the mess.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Mar. 9, 2004]

Uncle Rog's Cottage

[Compiled from various posts on the Gilliomville message board, contributed by various Gillioms and Franks]:

Q:  Who was that Aunt who made the really good cinnamon rolls at Uncle Rog's cottage?
A:  It was Aunt Elva. She also made wonderful potato salad.

When it rained at Uncle Rog's, the girls would go shopping. I remember one year I got new nail polish, and Aunt Elva let me paint her fingernails hot pink. I thought she was the coolest old lady ever.

One time the family was all out at Rog’s cottage and young Rick (about 13 years old) got into Rog's booze and ended up very drunk.

Remember the time at the lake when Nick hooked Aunt Vi in the middle of the forehead [with a fishing hook] and she had to walk around with a hook in there for several hours until they found a doctor to take it out?

I remember mostly loads and loads of jello cubes and as much soda pop as we wanted. There was that outdoor built-in cooler with running water inside, keeping a constant cool temperature. It was like, "wow...we can just keep going back for more...even if we aren't thirsty...They NEVER run out!!!" I'm glad I wasn't footing the soda bill.

I remember all of us licking the jello cubes and trying to stick them on windows. It was kind of gross re-licking them after they fell off, they were all dirty and stuff.

Fortress of Solitude (Presto Magix)

Does anybody remember Presto Magix? You would get a background with a sheet of objects and characters that you could permanently transfer wherever you wanted them.

The best Presto Magix kits included a large variety of characters, but there were some duds like Superman's Fortress of Solitude that didn't give you much to work with. The only way to entertain yourself with these duds was to make inappropriate half-assed creations like this one that I found in a box of old personal items some years ago.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Feb. 3, 2004]

Andy

Andy was a rock and roll animal on the bus.

These photos were taken at, or on the way to, high school speech and debate events. 

Andy used to say and do a lot of cool things. He played drums in high school marching band and one summer, during a local parade, a child ran over and grabbed at Andy's drum. He hit the child's hand with a drumstick and say, "Don't touch my drums."

Book of Lists #2

13 things I've learned from reading The Book of Lists #2 (1980):

1. Clark Gable would have been 80 years old if he had lived until 1981 (p. 1).

2. Breakfast cereals, once considered "junk foods" in 1980, are now often seen as healthy (p. 381).

3. Bob Dylan's forgettable Blonde on Blonde was ranked the second greatest album of all time by rock critics in 1978 (p. 164).

4. There is a street named "Nameless Street" in Manning, Iowa (p. 44).

5. An unpainted wooden stake lasts 1-4 years before disintegrating, while a painted one lasts 13 years (p. 245)!

6. "Gorgias of Epirus was born during the funeral of his mother. The pallbearers were shocked to hear unexpected crying and opened the coffin to discover Gorgias, who had slipped out of the womb and was very much alive" (p. 259).

7. In 1890, Leventon & Co. sold 180,000 Egyptian mummified cats from a burial ground near Beni Hasaan for 3.15 shillings per ton (p. 276).

8. A Picture is worth a thousand words - "The American Society of Magazine Photographers reported the base rate for a full-page photo was $75 for black-and-white, $150 for color. However, an illustration was much more expensive. Playboy paid $800 for a full-page color illustration, while its article rate was about 40 cents per word. On this scale, a picture would be worth 2,000 words (p. 142).

9. Nome, Alaska, was accidentally named after the word "name" miscopied from a British map in 1850 (p. 135).

10. For a 1977 Laugh-In skit, censors insisted the phrase "Don't forget to take your pill" be replaced with "Be careful" because the network objected to the implication that women plan in advance to have sex  (p. 205).

11. Joseph Heller’s Catch-22 was originally going to be titled Catch-18 (p. 229).

12. The Postman Always Rings Twice was originally going to be titled Bar-B-Q 

(p. 228).

13. "The giant squid is the most highly developed of the invertebrates. Its eyes are almost exact replicas of human eyes. Often confused with the octopus, which attacks humans only when threatened, the giant squid is a carnivorous predator. One notable incident occurred on March 25, 1941, when the British ship Britannia sank in the Atlantic Ocean. As a dozen survivors clung to their lifeboat, a giant squid reached its arm around the body of a man and pulled him below"(p. 109).

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Apr. 14, 2006]

Shower Heads

 I received a gift in the mail today from Purple Viper - Thank you, Purple Viper!

It's from a line of novelty shower heads from a 1980s called "Shower Heads." I think they were trying to say they put the "head" in "shower head" (or something like that) because they produced a whole line of shower heads adorned with rubber representations of various human and animal heads.

From the enclosed Shower Heads informational brochure.

Purple Viper sent a particularly appropriate Rchrd Nxn (sorry about the lack of vowels, I don't want to get picked up on search engines anymore) model:

Look at it go!

Thanks again, Purple Viper!

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Oct. 24, 2005]

True Security Guard Fantasies

In the late 1980s, I had started college and was working a third-shift security guard job in a factory, from about 11:00 in the evening until 7:00 in the morning.

There weren’t too many responsibilities; I would just make hourly patrols. I think it was an insurance thing for them. I liked it because I could study between rounds.

I only bring this up because I remembered another guard there named Werner. He was one of those out-of-shape idiot wannabe cops who thought a low-level security guard job was the same thing as joining a SWAT team.

Anyway, I only bring up Werner because of his messed-up fantasy life. I remember one particular shift change when he started rambling on and on about how he’d love for somebody to try to break into his house so he could shoot them legally. If they weren’t armed, he said, he would put another gun in their hand to justify the shooting.

One night, he drew me a diagram of his fantasy home, which included a large pyramid structure with a hot tub at the top. All three sides of the pyramid were made up of stairs, like this:

Werner's fantasy love-spa.

It was really important to him that the pyramid be tall enough so that he could survey the entire surrounding area from the comfort of his hot tub, ensuring that no one could ever sneak up on him. I couldn't quite understand why he felt so strongly about this, particularly in the context of the hot tub.

As if that weren't strange enough, he shared a fantasy where he was in the hot tub with his wife, surrounded by a stash of guns just in case he needed them. Suddenly, he notices someone trying to sneak up the side of his pyramid.

He said he would climb out of the hot tub, ask his wife to tie a towel around his exposed privates, and then shoot the intruder without hesitation.

As the fantasy continued, more people appeared, coming from all sides of the pyramid. He was being swarmed! He dealt with the situation by firing at everyone, all while his wife kept handing him fresh ammunition.

Werner's action sequence.

???? - What kind of fucked up fantasy is that?

He also was 100% POSITIVE that he could write an amazing screenplay based around that scenario. Maybe that is why he was so concerned about covering up his privates. I don't know why he would care otherwise.

Poor stupid Werner.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, June 16, 2005]

Grandma Hazel

Grandma Hazel in 1990.

Grandma Hazel, remembered by her children and grandchildren on the Gilliomville messageboard:

When Uncle Jon was a kid, he and Grandma Hazel witnessed a bunch of Mexicans drive by in a tomato truck. Hazel told him to stay away from Mexicans, “because they carry knives.”

Grandma would let us buy Cracked and Crazy magazines, but she thought Mad was "naughty.” I don't know what she saw in that magazine at some point in the past, but she definitely didn't like it. She'd check the titles before we went through our drugstore (Hooks) checkout and would not, under any circumstances, let us buy an issue of Mad magazine.

I remember those Vitamin Cs that Grandma used to give out (and she would encourage you to take several) that were supposed to help make you healthier. They tasted a lot like Sweet Tarts.

We'd often drop by Dairy Queen and she'd say, "If you're good, I'll get you a Mr. Misty; you can have any flavor except for red.” When asked why we couldn't get a red one, she said it’s because, "red makes kids hyper.” I’m Surprised Grandma didn't start an organization called GARP - Grandmas Against Red Pop.

She was also always predicting a HORRIBLE winter. She would say, "some lady says..."

Thanks for talking about Grandma Gilliom on here. I checked the board last night before I went to bed and last night I had a dream about her. Her hair was perfect.

Does anyone else remember seeing Grandma without her hair piece? She'd comb her hair out all crazy just before an appointment. I didn't see her like that very often, and it scared me to death.

Yeah! She looked wild without her wig on! Like a whole different person - an old witch! Her wig made her look much more poised and civilized.

Grandma Hazel used to whip up huge batches of caramel popcorn in the kitchen sink – she’d make caramel popcorn balls out of it. It was always a huge event when she’d do that.

I think we Gillioms have a special love for McDonalds due to Grandma Hazel. How many times she took Adam and me to Mikky Dees I couldn't tell you. but each time I was just as excited as the first time. That's what Happy Meals do to you. Ya know, I still order a good Happy Meal every now and then depending on how hungry I am.

Hazel used to LOVE McDonald's ice cream cones. She'd go there specifically for an ice cream cone. Breakfast too. Nowadays, I'm a big fan of the breakfast sandwich, but with Hazel we'd get the sit-down meals. Hazel wasn't one to eat on the run.

I remember when Grandma lived at Capri Meadows and you could see McDonald's from her window. Sometimes, when it was kind of late and we were thinking about making an ice cream cone run, she would tell me to, "check and see if the golden arches are lit up."

When she moved to the next place, we could actually WALK to McD's! That was even better. Vanilla ice cream cones and late night Skip-Bo...that brings back memories.

I think she quit cooking after she moved to the apartment. I remember
walking to McDonalds and Dairy Queen after that. She was big on
DQ banana splits.

Yeah - I remember her having meals delivered by the "Schwann Man" when she was living at the apartment. She was delighted by how good the food was.

I remember Dad saying he was in McDonalds with Grandma Hazel one time and she exclaimed (real loud like she did), "There sure are a lot of black people in here”!  Dad was real embarrassed and told her firmly, "Mom, if you don't settle down, I'm going to leave.” Grandma responded, "Well...There are!”

Grandma Gilliom was usually a really good cook. Her pancakes were excellent, but when it came to eggs, she always cooked the yolks really hard and you couldn't dip them. Uncle Jon and Uncle Rick used to comment a lot about, "mom's eggs."

For breakfast, I remember Grandma used to make us chocolate chip pancakes at the trailer.

And peanut butter spread on hot toast. That's another thing she got me into.

I love peanut butter on toast. I always thought it was weird when she did it, but it goes so well with coffee.

Remember when egg McMuffins first came out and Hazel decided to make them herself at home?

I was amazed at that. The McMuffin seemed like such a new thing and here Grandma Hazel mimics it instantly. I probably just wasn't familiar with English muffins at that point in time, so I was amazed that she made them just like McDonalds. I guess I thought if she made them at home, she would have to use bread or buns or something. They were an immediate favorite. She made those for years.

Remember when she used to make those doughnuts out of canned biscuits? A few years ago I called Mom and said, "I miss Grandma Gilliom. I think it's high time the great grandchildren experience her doughnuts." I can't say that the girls were terribly impressed.

U.S. Invasion of Panama

I don't know why I recorded this information or why I typed it up, but it is an account that brother Todd and I recorded in December, 1989, as we stayed up late watching news accounts of the U.S. invasion of Panama.

Roger "I'm two floors up" Sizemore.

"The president is still awake...I think he'll need some sleep."

Secret objective.

Midwestern Working Class Badasses

This was taken in a restaurant/bar where I used to work in the late 1980s, I was taking a picture of something and the guy in the middle goes, "Hey - take a picture of me and my brothers."

Midwestern Working Class Badasses.

I don't know why he directed me to take their photo. This was before digital cameras and email. There was no photographic instant gratification. Film had to be developed before you could see the pictures. So there was no way the photo was intended for their personal viewing. I guess he just wanted a record of their "brotherhood."  So, I'm posting it here for posterity.  

This is kind of how I imagine everybody looking in the old west. Then, they may have been heroes, or would have at least had a lot more influence, good or bad, in a less civilized era.

Note: The guy on the right is flipping the bird with both hands. "Fuck the World." haha

4th of July on the Roof

Fourth of July, 1989: on the roof in Columbia City, Indiana.
Nobody fell off!

At the time, I thought we were starting an annual tradition, but it lost steam after that very night.

4th of July on the roof.

Batman Cinnamon Twists @ Taco Bell

In 1989, Taco Bell promoted the Batman movie with cinnamon twists.

I held on to this packaging until digital technology made it feasible to scan it.

Medical Marvel

This drawing was on a notepad in the Gripco guard desk, so I would see it every time I worked.  I think I cropped it to remove phone numbers and names that were surrounding it.

I think it started as a weird design, then had a head and body added around it.  Somebody  must have thought it looked like a surgery and labelled it, "medical marvel."  

Pretty weird. Pretty worth saving.

"Medical Marvel."

Artist's Depiction

This is a drawing of what I looked like my senior year of high school. It is pretty accurate and was drawn by my girlfriend at the time (1988 or -89).  

"Doh" is something we would say when we were otherwise at a loss for words. I know Homer started saying on The Simpsons, which aired in 1989, so maybe it was out there in the collective unconscious back then. I learned if from my friend Julie who reported that is what her little sister said when she accidentally knocked over the salad bar at Rax. We did not say it fast, like Homer Simpson does ("DOH!). We said it more drawn out and bewildered ("Doooh) like, "wow" or "uh oh."

Me circa 1988-89.

Lady Down

Lady on the ground, directing the action at Dad & Brenda's wedding, 1989.

Leap Froggin'

Spontaneous game of leap frog outside the venue while waiting for Jack's band to play.

Leap froggers.

Shriner Autograph Collection

In 1988, I attended the annual Tarzan Zerbini Circus in Fort Wayne, Indiana, an event hosted by the Mizpah Indiana Shriners. Upon entering the arena, each attendee received a program filled with advertisements and information about the circus. The opening pages featured yearbook-style photographs of various Shriner officials, many of whom were present at the event that evening.

After the circus ended, I decided to stick around, program in hand, hoping to collect their autographs:

As esoteric as they may appear, the Shriners were all pretty down to earth guys...not very mysterious or confounding at all.

 

The only autograph missing from my collection is Mick Ulmer, "Oriental Guide;" so if anybody knows him, hook me up.

Comments from original post on I'm Nacho Steppinstone:

"And they really DO look all mysterious and oriental!!! Absolutely NOT like average office guys only with stupid hats on,nooooo." - Sandra

"Hey, Jonnie- Mick Ulmer lives right here in Bluffton, Indiana. That is, he used to." - Andi

"WOW!!! Does he live in a castle?" - Jonnie

Dick the Bruiser

Dick the Bruiser was a famous regional wrestler in the late 1970s and early 1980s, before the WWF bought out all the regional wrestling districts and brought them under one corporate umbrella.

As Hulk Hogan began appearing everywhere, the old-timers, like Dick the Bruiser, were relegated to wrestling in small-town high school gyms.

That’s how we had the chance to meet him in the late 1980s:

Meeting the legendary Dick the Bruiser.

Dick the Bruiser was a huge deal in the Midwest, and it was both a mixed blessing and a tragedy to see him wrestling in a small Indiana high school gym after the WWF effectively left him jobless.

Gilliomville Message Board commentary on Dick the Bruiser:

Remember when we went to that wrastlin' match at the Fort Wayne Coliseum when we were little kids? That was when Dick the Bruiser was a regional celebrity and his fights were still on TV, right before WWF took over everything.

I remember during one of the matches, someone tried to sneak a blackjack into the ring. I had never even heard of one before. Uncles Jon and Rick had to explain what it was. It was a few years later before I figured out the whole thing was part of the show. 

It was Dick the Bruiser that got smacked with the blackjack. After the show the fans just swarmed him, and we got close enough to Dick the Bruiser to see these little marks the blackjack left all over him. That made me think it was real. 

There was also a guy carrying around a HUGE bone. That was Leon Redbone! He'd jump of the corner rungs and smack people with that big bone. Then a guy from the audience went after Leon's red bone. I thought he was an old man, and I remember him kind of hunched forward pointing, and he kept saying, "He's got the stick. He's got the stick." I'm not sure that was part of the show or not. 
In the late 1980s, Dick the Bruiser was still wrestling, but the show was in our high school gymnasium, instead of on TV. In the heyday of professional wrestling, poor Bruiser was wrestling at high schools! It makes me sick. 

Hulk Hogan ruined Dick the Bruiser. But still, I bet he could have joined on with WWF if he would have wanted to. Why do you think he didn't? 

About 5 years ago I was reading an interview with some old wrestler who was doing a guest referee stint for the WWF. An interviewer asked him, "What was the worst thing you had to smell during your career as a professional wrestler?" His answer: "Dick the Bruiser". I thought that was a pretty strong statement considering I hadn't seen Dick the Bruiser's name in print since I was a kid at one of his shows. Then here's this old timer who'd seen it all and the worst thing he'd smelled was Dick the Bruiser? Come on! I think he had it in for him. He couldn't have smelt THAT bad! 

I just heard a great story about Dick the Bruiser. The Bruiser lived in a pretty nice neighborhood and liked to stir things up. Sometimes when he came home drunk, he liked to put on one of his wife's dresses and wigs and get on his motorcycle and tear through people's yards in the middle of the night. Supposedly, no one ever complained or called the police. Maybe the skid marks Dick left on people's sidewalks added to the value of their property.