True Security Guard Fantasies

In the late 1980s, I had started college and was working a third shift security guard job in a factory from about 11:00 in the evening until 7:00 in the morning. 

There weren't too many responsibilities, I would just make hourly patrols; I think it was an insurance break for them. I liked it because I could study between rounds.

I only bring this up because I remembered another guard there named Werner. He was one of those out of shape idiot wannabe cops who thinks a low level security guard job is the same thing as joining a S.W.A.T. team. 

Anyway, I only bring up Werner because of his fucked up fantasy life. I remember one particular shift change when he started rambling on and on and on about how he'd love for somebody to try to break into his house so he could shoot them legally and how if they weren't armed, he would put another gun in their hand to justify the shooting.

One night, he drew me a diagram of his fantasy home which included a large pyramid structure with a hot tub at the top. All three sides of the pyramid were made up of stairs, like this:

Werner's fantasy love-spa.

It was really important to him that the pyramid would be tall enough that he could see the entire surrounding area from the comfort of his hot tub and nobody could ever sneak up on him. I don't know why it was so important to him that nobody should be able to sneak up on him in the hot tub.

As if that weren't ridiculous enough, he liked to share a fantasy in which he is in the hot tub with his wife (with a bunch of guns in close proximity, just in case he needs them) when he notices somebody trying to sneak up the side of his pyramid. 

He said he would climb out of the hot tub, ask his wife to tie a towel around his exposed privates, then straight out shoot the guy. 

As the fantasy progresses, he notices additional people coming up on all sides of the pyramid. He's being swarmed! He handles the situation by continuing to shoot everybody while his wife continues to pass him fresh ammunition.

Werner's action sequence.

???? - What kind of fucked up fantasy is that?

He also was 100% POSITIVE that he could write an amazing screenplay based around that scenario. Maybe that is why he was so concerned about covering up his privates. I don't know why he would care otherwise.

Poor stupid Werner.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, June 16, 2005]