Fourth of July Fireworks Review

Launched from a rubber cat's head.

Presentation and review of some of the fireworks we shot off on 4^th of July, 2002; Los Angeles, CA.

T&T Flashing Fountain: 

These were mini spark fountains, they also emitted a long tongue of flame at the end, which I'm not sure was intentional. Note they are named "T&T" instead of "TNT." That is kind of interesting.

M - Extremely flammable.

J - These should only be lit in the swimming pool.

Mini Monster: 
They were selling these 2 for 1 at the fireworks stand. The first was set off in the dirt, the second in our Chinatown burn bin.

J - These burn a long time

K - It's like Satan puking.

M - Clean & simple.

Mini Monster.

King Kong: 

King Kong & Blazing Rebel.

Jonnie carelessly lit off King Kong right next to the table full of the rest of the night's fireworks. We were lucky that none of them caught fire.

J - That was a shower of power! I'm saving the label!

K - That was way too close for comfort.

M - Jonnie is no longer allowed to place fireworks in their landing positions.

Chamelia Flower, Purple Rain, Giant Mystery Geyser.

Chamelia Flower:

M - Cheap trick.

J - Uhhhh...

Giant Mystery Geyser:

M - I didn't see that one, I was trying to take pictures.

J - The shower of sparks contained bright ribbons of liquid plasma.

K - The red sparks were like projectiles. Green & red, like Christmas.

Rose Blossom.

Rose Blossom:

We thought the packaging was interesting because, unlike the other fireworks, this one looked like a box of Miracle Grow plant food. It was almost misplaced with the gardening equipment. It was a pretty good display overall, but a huge ball of fire flew way out into the trees.

M - What was that? Nothing flies that far!

Killer Bees:

J - I love the sound effects. Loud and shrill; I guess, like a swarm of killer bees.

M - It reminds me of the band, Divisia.

Killer Bees & Razzle Dazzler.

  

Razzle Dazzler:

M - The razzle was there, but I didn't see much dazzle.

K - It razzle dazzled me.

J - It stinks a lot worse than the others.

K - It smells like a school bus on fire.


Golden Shower:

K - It makes me have to pee.

    

Bizarre:

J - Yuck, it smells like marijuana.

Golden Shower, Bizarre, Eagle Fountain.

K - Colorful & fun until it screams & blows up at you.

M - I don't like those poppy ones. Those that pop at you.

K - It's like burnt shoes.

Eagle Fountain:

J - Made in China.

M - There's no blue.

J - It's commie red & hippie green.

K - Red, White, & Green.

Flashing Wheel.

M - It's the Mexican flag.

Flashing Wheel:

We had two of these. We nailed the first one to a tree & the second to Ulysses' rubber cat.

K - It looks like a foggy morning right now.

M - Phew!.

J - I like that it comes packaged with its own nail.

Missile War & Desert Blitz.

Desert Blitz packaging.

Missile War:

M - I'm afraid of Missile War.

K - It went from all rainbow & nice, to...I don't know...the Apocalypse!

Desert Blitz:
K - Similar to the last one, but more dramatic.

J - There was a ceasefire. It had machine gun bursts from both sides, then it all stopped; then they started in at each other again.

M - I think Missile War is a cheap knockoff of Desert Blitz.

Starfire:

We liked the label's depiction of the burning village, like someone burnt the house down playing with fireworks.

Starfire, Mad Dog, Twin Peaks, Laser Dragon.

M - That one was like an experienced lover.

K - I need a cold shower.

J - You should cover your eyes for that one.

Twin Peaks:

M - That one invaded my personal space.

K - Who killed Laura Palmer?

Laser Dragon:

J - Long-lasting, but monotonous.

K - Reminded me of popcorn.

Cheap Video Reviews: NKOTB - Hangin' Tough

Hangin' Tough.

VHS. 1989.

Boz sent me a copy of New Kids On The Block’s Hangin' Tough videotape which he acquired for a mere 25 cents; a fair price.

The video contains four music videos with some behind the scenes road footage included to fill the tape out to a full 30 minutes.

NKOTB were 1.) Joey Joe, pre-teen of the group; 2.) Donnie, the wigger; 3.) Jordan, who wears a Batman shirt exactly like one I used to have; 4.) John, who has no personality but is often considered the most handsome of the group; and 5.) Apeface (Danny).

The video opens with black and white footage of the group's tour bus and Jordan comments that his favorite part of being on the road is looking out the bus window and "watching the world go by,:

Joey Joe.

Then all of a sudden - BAM! - we're watching the group's first video, "Please Don't Go Girl", featuring Joey Joe on vocals.

Jordan (wearing a hat with a giant bill) also plays a big part in this song. The other three stick with background vocals and come off as a chorus of douche bags. 

The video is divided between performance footage and video of the group following a girl with a huge curl on her head (and her friend) around in an amusement park.

Please don't go, curl.

In the video's story line, Jordan flirts with the girls after all five New Kids have been following them around all day. He makes them laugh then eats a hot dog with a shit-eating grin on his face.

Joey Joe is just too young for the girls, although they find him adorable. He sings practically the whole song though. It's probably about a girl who's mom is making her leave the amusement park and Joey Joe wishes she didn't have to leave.

After the first video, we go to footage of the New Kids fucking around with a bunch of old casino signs in Las Vegas. Danny is filming the rest of them on his personal videocassette recorder.

Then - BAM! - we're watching the "Right Stuff" video!

In this video, the New Kids On The Block are having the time of their life riding around in a convertible.

They notice a couple of girls and everybody except young Joey Joe goes over to flirt with them.

While everyone is posturing and grabbing each other's asses, Joey Joe steals the car and drives off while laughing like a little maniac.

The other New Kids on the Block chase after him. Under-aged driving is no joke to the elder NKOTB members. The girls think it's hilarious and adorable though.

"The Right Stuff" performance footage includes a lot of heavily choreographed dancing. Gone are the days of the douche bag background singers. NKOTB are now a well-oiled high performance machine. You have to give them some kind of credit for that.

Then there's more candid tour bus footage of Donnie talking like a thug while playing video games in a hat.

Cut to dinner time and Jordan complaining that they always get served fried chicken: "When we get to a new city, we think we're gonna have something different [for dinner]", but it's always fried chicken."

Cut to Donnie talking shit - "We always drink milk with our meals...we never drink soda".

This is the same Donnie who, a couple of years later, was arrested for pouring a bottle of vodka on the rug of his hotel room and lighting it on fire.

All of a sudden, we see the sound man's microphone poke up against Jordan. The camera pans along the mic stand to reveal Joey Joe dressed up like a sound guy!

Haha! Joey Joe's the sound man!

Hangin' Tough.

The other New Kids find this absolutely hilarious and they all convulse in hysterics, Jordan can hardly breathe from laughing so hard.This scene reminds you that NKOTB are not yet mature adults.

The final video, “Hangin' Tough” features a more experienced, more mature NKOTB. No more dicking around. This is when Joey Joe started wearing the hat with the top cut out of it.

The video documents the New Kids' rise to greatness and includes tons of footage of little girls freaking out while they perform.

Donnie's Home Boy t-shirt.

The song also features Donnie's famous "Home Boy" t-shirt.

At the end, there's a half-assed statement in which Jordan states, "New Kids On The Block is about being yourself, it's not about being cool."

I enjoyed watching this one time, but just once. I’d say it was worth the 25 cent price tag. It was kind of nostalgic to see my old Batman shirt.

Cheap Video Reviews: Hot Rod Girl

Hot Rod Girl/T-Bird Gang.

Hot Rod Girl is one half of a dollar double feature DVD that Boz sent to me as a gift. I tried to watch both films on the DVD and the other film, T-Bird Gang, was underwhelming I actually fell asleep during that one. But Hot Rod Girl is a different story.

Hot Rod Girl, Miss Lisa Vernon.

It starts with a bang at the drag strip where Miss Lisa Vernon is hauling toward the finish line in her T-Bird before the opening credits have even finished rolling. The announcer confirms she has won yet another race.

Far from your typical crazed street-racer, Lisa Vernon is actually an All-American girl, as wholesome as they come. And it turns out, all the good kids in this town get their kicks at the drag strip, rather than terrorizing the public streets. But guess what? The public is clueless and is pressuring the city council to shut the strip down!

The hot rod gang.

After the race, we meet Lisa's crew, Steve, Flat-Top, and her responsible boyfriend, Jeff.

Oh! And in the background for just a few seconds – blink and you’ll miss it - a car rolls by with 666 painted on the door! Spooky!

666.

They're all planning to hit up Yo-Yo’s, the local teen hangout; but Steve, the youngest hot rodder, is stuck at home because his hot rod hating Aunt Sarah has him on lockdown. Aunt Sarah is basically a human speed bump in Steve’s life.

Jeff: "How about you, Steve?"

Steve: "Gee, I'd love to....but every time I come to the strip, Aunt Sarah puts a stopwatch on me...I'll be glad when I'm old enough to move in with you. She's strictly horse & buggy. She doesn't dig hot rods at all!"

The older gearheads chuckle affectionately. Then Jeff agrees to ride with Steve to diagnose a troublesome engine noise.

Anti-drag racing poster.

Now we meet the hot-rodders' friend, Ben. Ben is a little older, wears a suit and a hat, and is in a position of some authority with the local police force. Ben is at his city councilman's office discussing the drag-strip. Teen hot-rodding is public enemy #1 in this town and the city councilman’s whole office is basically a shrine to automobile accidents, including a huge poster of a horrible car accident on his office wall!

Councilman: "I've seen too much!"

Ben: "If you come out to the strip & get to know the kids..."

Councilman: "No thanks! That's your headache!!"

Long story short, Ben's trying to keep the strip alive, arguing that it keeps the kids off the streets. After some persuasion, the councilman reluctantly agrees.

Next, we’re cruising around town with Jeff & Steve. Jeff doesn't hear the engine sound Steve was complaining about.

Steve: "If I could really open it up..."

Then Jeff gets VERY serious and interjects, "At the racetrack!" Jeff is the voice of reason.

Steve starts in about his Aunt Sarah again - "Living with her is like driving with your breaks on!...Slow down!...Stop!...That's the story of my life!"

"Who's this squirrel?"

Jeff advises Steve to just cool it until he's old enough to move out,.

And then, out of nowhere, a blond Eddie Haskell lookalike pulls up next to them, revving his engine like a madman. Steve calls him a squirrel, and this dude lives up to it, weaving, laughing, and generally being a jackass. The stranger continues to gawk at them, revving his engine and laughing. It's a pretty funny scene.

Jeff advises, "Ignore him, Steve...Play it smart! He's looking for trouble - disappoint him."

Road rage.

Jeff stays cool, but Steve begins to lose his.

But then, things take a wild turn. The squirrel driver backs into their car – twice – at a stop sign, all while cackling like a maniac! Who even does that?

That's it, Steve's had enough, and it's road rage o'clock. They crash, and Steve doesn't make it. Jeff's in pieces, the councilman calls the car a 'hopped-up death trap,' and the whole town goes apeshit.

Sadness.

Yo-Yo's.

The scene shifts to Yo-Yo's some time later. Everyone is there, but guess what? Jeff is missing in action. The opening segment of this scene is pretty hilarious and cannot be captured in still screen captures. It's showing close-ups of the kids' ecstatic faces as they blissfully listen to jazz records. It's the funniest part of the movie, in my opinion.

Lisa is the only one still talking about the drag strip since Jim has withdrawn into work.

Lisa: "You know, if they close the strip, the next step will be to outlaw all hot rods."

Flat-Top: "Aww...so let 'em, if it'll make the squares happy."

"LP" and her man.

Next, we meet LP, which is short for Long-Playing Record. Because she talks a lot.

LP: "They wouldn't dare! My whole wardrobe is designed around the drag strip!"

Nobody takes LP seriously. Whenever she talks too much, they're all like, "Oh, LP! Flip the record!"

They discuss Jeff's absence. LP, who is apparently promiscuous, suggests she could probably get him back.

LP: "People respond to me in a different way than they do to normal girls."

The discussion turns to illegal non-strip racing and Lisa walks out on everybody and chaos ensues.

Flat-Top, feeling a little squirrely without Jeff's sober presence, hands Yo-Yo a Canadian dime! Yo-Yo's like, 'Hey, this is a Canadian dime!' And Flat-Top's comeback? 'So? Take a trip!' Classic Flat-Top.

Now, we're in Jeff's garage, and he's burning the midnight oil as a mechanic.

Jeff's boss: "You're looking tired, Jeff."

Jeff: "I like being tired."

Jeff's boss: "Yeah, I know."

"Do you think it's easy for me to come here?"

But hold up, this melodrama's interrupted when Lisa makes an entrance, determined to crack Jeff's shell.

She hits him with, 'Don't you think I have my pride? Do you think it's easy for me to come here?'

Jeff finally explains he feels responsible for Steve's death because he's the one who souped up Steve's car for him.

Jeff: "Every time I open the hood of a car and see the engine, I think of the engine I built for him!"

Lisa: "Trying to kill yourself with work isn't going to bring him back!"

Lisa warns Jeff that Flat-Top and the other kids "are starting to act up" without his guidance, but Jeff just can't deal with that right now.

Talbot.

Now, meet Talbot, the new guy in town with an ear-piercing engine. He's all over Lisa, but she's not having any of it.

Talbot: "They told me this was a friendly town."

Lisa: "I'm the exception."

As Talbot leaves Yo-Yo's, he declares, 'When I get my coffee pot perkin’, maybe I can teach some of you cats a lesson!' Confidence level: through the roof.

Lisa, Judy, & Flat-Top talking shit.

Talbot fancies himself a great driver, but he doesn't take good care of his car at all. 

When he talks to Jeff at the garage, he affirms, "I'm here for service, not a sermon! It's my heap and I'll do with it as I please!"

Back at Yo-Yo's, Talbot pulls the ultimate party foul – he unplugs the jukebox, killing everyone's tunes and losing their credits, just so he can talk. What a dick.

But wait, Jeff makes his grand entrance! He tells Yo-Yo, 'No trouble, just music.' Ah, sweet reunion.

Feeling pressured, Talbot just flat-out challenges the whole gang to a game of chicken.

Yo-Yo, the owner of Yo-Yo’s, looks to the sky and asks the gods, "Why do I have to run a hangout for lunatics?"

"I don't want trouble...just music."

The "Chicken" scene is excellent! All the onlookers are tense as hell as Talbot and Flat-Top take their positions. 

Everyone's on edge as Talbot and Flat-Top line up. They come barreling down the road, head-on, and the first to chicken out loses.

 Spoiler alert: Flat-Top blinks, and Talbot declares them all 'chickens.'  

Everyone is a chicken except for Talbot.

Talbot at the wheel.

Flat-Top at the other wheel.

Later, Flat-Top's girl makes him swear off chicken for life. 

LP chimes in with her dramatic flair, 'Exciting! Too exciting for me!! Imagine! Too exciting for ME??!!!'

Then Ben swoops in to chew them all out: 'One more hot rod accident, and you ALL lose your licenses!' The stakes are high.

Make-Up Scene - 

Lisa's & Jeff's make-up scene.

Now, get ready for some romance. Jeff and Lisa are in his apartment, things are heating up, and Jeff, the poster child of moral responsibility, tells Lisa, “I think you'd better go.”

Lisa's like, 'Can I at least get my coffee first?' Jeff's reply? 'I'll buy you a cup tomorrow.' They both smile, suggesting that if Lisa stays one more minute, Jeff is going to lose control and try to have sex with her, so she’s got to go. Jeff & Lisa embody the ideal of American 1950s virtue.

Now that Jeff is no longer working himself to death, he is able to get all the kids back out to the drag strip where they belong.

Talbot's ultimatum.

Ben finds Talbot sitting around in Yo-Yo's by himself trying to figure out where Lisa is. Upon learning she is at the racetrack with everyone else, Talbot flies off like a bat out of hell.

Ben follows him and arrests him for speeding and gives him an ultimatum: 'Come to the drag strip and see how real hot rodders roll, or face reckless driving charges.'

But when they get to the track, Jeff's not having it. He says Talbot's car is a deathtrap, and things go south real quick. Talbot flips out, threatens Jeff, and vows to get revenge.

Dangerous recklessness.

He ends with a direct threat to Jeff - "I'll get you yet!!"

Later, as Jeff and Lisa are driving around, Talbot approaches from the rear and keeps veering in front of them, trying to piss them off. During this nonsense, a bicycle rider is hit and killed. Jeff and Lisa aren't sure who hit him, but Talbot is sure it was Jeff. The City Councilman is so pissed, he fires Ben and closes the drag strip. Soon all hot rods will be outlawed.

Approaching Talbot.

Not one to wallow in self pity (unlike Jeff after Steve's death), Ben is hard at work collecting a paint sample from Talbot's car. He then approaches Talbot, who is sitting alone drinking a soda at Yo-Yo's.

Ben informs Talbot his inspection of the accident site reveals Jeff's skid marks ending 50 feet before the kid while Talbot's go right through the impact point. He also thinks Talbot's car finish matches marks found on the boy.

Talbot responds by standing up and smashing Ben over the head with a bottle!

Brawl at Yo-Yo's.

Then, Jeff runs in and beats the shit out of Talbot.

Everyone agrees Talbot's actions suggest he is guilty. Ben says, "I have to go see a man about a badge", implying he will get his job back since he was able to determine the accident was Talbot's fault.

Nursing Jim's wounds.

Then Jeff & Lisa make-out and everything is fine.


Commentary - The title is a little misleading, as the "hot rod girl" is really just a supporting character. The movie isn’t terrible, but could use a little more action. The "chicken" scene is badass as is the scene leading up to Steve's death, but highlights like that are few and far between. As part of a 2-for-$1 DVD though, especially one that was given to me for free, I can't complain at all about Hot Rod Girl.

[ Reviewed March, 2006. ]

Cheap Video Reviews: Samurai: Reincarnation

Samurai: Reincarnation

Samurai: Reincarnation opens with Chapter 'Hell' - Part 1 where we get a history lesson about a battle between Christians and Shoguns 350 years ago in which the Shoguns killed 20,000 Christians and then cut a lot of their heads in half so they could claim they killed 45,000.

Samurai entertainer.

Cut to a Samurai celebration party, and it's not your typical party scene.  Everybody is sitting around quietly by a fire, still wearing their armor. The entertainment is a guy doing tai chi with a sword. For a celebration, it’s pretty low energy; even with the inclusion of decapitated Christian head trophies hanging in the background, occasionally illuminated by lightning flashes even though it isn’t raining.

Out of nowhere, one of the heads defies gravity, zooms across the room and into the bonfire, which emits a shower of sparks. When the smoke clears, all the samurai are either dead or unconscious. The only guy left standing is our tai chi swordsman. He casually strolls off the stage like it's just another day at the office. Oh, and he pets one of the Christian heads, because why not?

Petting a Christian head.

Now, the guy begins speaking, in badly dubbed English. It is apparent he is possessed by a spirit and is not the same guy who was doing tai chi with a sword earlier. Now he is just a vessel for a ghost. Turns out, he's a fallen Christian, reincarnated as a samurai, and he's got vengeance on his mind.  He begins crying and wailing about how he will avenge the fallen Christians, "As of tonight, I shall part with you, my brothers...So be it, I swear! Hear me in Heaven! From this moment on, I shall abandon you! There shall be no brotherly love! I shall do what you failed to do! I shall wreck a vengeance on the entire world"!

Chapter 'Hell' - Part 2 takes us to "Kumamoto - In the Realm of Higo"; specifically at, "Taisho-Ji - Lord Hosokawa's Family Temple". The reincarnated samurai (I think his name is Shito) is conducting an occult ceremony.

Shito's occult ceremony.

Shito's got a woman's body lying on the floor, and he's channeling the spirit of Hosokawa's dead wife. After the possessed body settles down, they have a chat,

Shito:"I have come here to fulfill your pathetic prayer to be reborn in the world of the living".

Woman:"Oh, you ignorant fool" [laughs].

They go on and on, then Shito comments, "Your reputation for chastity is dimmed by having lived days of carnage with your husband". Days of Carnage!

Lady Hosokawa as she was before.

Their dialogue goes back and forth, and Shito drops lines like, 'Your reputation for chastity is dimmed by having lived days of carnage with your husband.' Yep, days of carnage! Shito knows Lady Hosokawa pretty well because he adds, 'You were obliged to die in a most reluctant manner.' Cue a flashback where Lord Hosokawa is upset because his Christian wife stopped sleeping with him, so he arranged her fiery demise.

Chapter 'Hell' - Part 3 consists of a master swordsman sitting in his samurai armor lamenting that he has, "Nothing to do but wait until age 62 to die of old age", since nobody can kill him in battle.

After an extensive rambling monologue, the master swordsman is approached by Shito and Lady Hosokawa; who are going around reincarnating people into a private army. When approached about the prospect of reincarnation, the master swordsman swings his sword then falls down for no apparent reason. Shito then reincarnates him. Maybe they should just call this, "possession," rather than "reincarnation." 

Finally, to end everything on an up note, a guy wearing an eyepatch barges in and disrupts everything, then leaves.

An apparent misogynist.

Chapter 'Hell' - Part 4: By this point in the film, I start realizing that all the chapters of this movie will be "Hell" chapters. Maybe it was intended to be a trilogy with this film being the "Hell" segment. Well, it is that.

This chapter opens with a guy passing two women on a staircase. He says, "Wait", under his breath then suddenly murders both of them out of the blue. Then we see everything return to as it was before. The murder only occurred in the man's mind. He is, apparently, a misogynist.

Murder victim.

Things go from bad to weird fast as a veiled woman approaches from the left. She is laughing at the misogynist, "Ha Ha Ha!! Why are you always dreaming of killing females"?

She opens her veil to reveal that she either has a ghost head or is wearing a ghost mask; then her voice booms, like an announcer yelling through a megaphone, "Why restrain yourself from sexual desire? The female skin is beautiful." At this point, she shows the man her breasts.

After seeing the ghost's breasts, the misogynist tries to kill the ghost, but she is too fast for him. He ends the chase and proclaims, "All the aesthetic practice I've done could not put out the flame of my carnal desire". Then he stabs himself.

The ghost reveals herself as Lady Hosokawa before the dying misogynist. This is somehow significant, but I wasn't paying enough attention to pick up on any subtleties.

Chapter 'Hell' - Part 5: This part is set in a secret Iga Ninja village: A younger guy walks into the Ninja village with kids swarming all around him. One of the kids asks, "Did you bring a rabbit"? The dubbed English voice was that of an adult, so it was weird to hear a kid talk like that.

The guy smiles and pulls a rabbit out of his shirt for the kids. Everything is fine until the village is suddenly bombarded by flaming arrows. There's a big battle scene, but nothing worth saving video captures of. For a battle scene, it was pretty unremarkable.

Shito and his crew are still going around reincarnating dead and dying people, so of course they show up here. They approach the younger guy this time. When he asks why Shito chose him for reincarnation; Shito says he chose him, "out of sympathy" but doesn't offer any further explanation.

Eyepatch.

Suddenly, the guy with the eye patch reappears! Shito's crew charges Eyepatch on horseback, but he jumps straight up in a tree so they can't reach him.

Shito asks, "When did you turn into a monkey"? Shito's crew thinks this is hilarious and everybody is laughing their asses off. They ride off with some parting words, "We'll meet again in the future."

Eyepatch says to himself, "Something strange is about to happen."

I stopped keeping track of the Chapter 'Hell' divisions at this point. Just trying to watch the movie took all my energy.

Around this point is where the whole subplot began about Shito sowing discontent among the Shogun's people. They are living in a feudal system in which they pay taxes to the shogun in exchange for permission to farm the land he owns. So, Shito starts cursing the land by occult means. He is chanting over a fire while one of his crew is dropping snakes into the flame.

Shito: "Wheat will whither and die. Soil will rot. Ameeeeen."

Greatest swordsmith in the world.

Now the scene changes and we see Eyepatch visiting the greatest swordsmith in the world who is living in exile on a mountaintop with his step-daughter who plays the flute.

Eyepatch drops in and requests, "a sword that can cut evil demons."

The swordsmith repeats, "A sword that can cut evil demons". He becomes philosophical and comments, "Evil will always thwart evil" and Eyepatch's only hope is, "a sword that was fashioned by me - one with an evil soul."

The step-daughter objects, "Please! My father has used all his strength on his last sword"!
Eyepatch says he needs the sword, "to kill Musashi" (Musashi is the reincarnated great samurai who had nothing to do besides wait to die at age 62). Musashi is also this girl's real father! wtf?

When the girl objects that Musashi is already dead, Eyepatch tells her, "He is back as a ghost. I saw it with my own EYES!

Eyes!! Plural! He is the guy with the eyepatch! He only has one eye. The translator must have been just listening to the dialogue and not paying much attention to the movie's action, which I would totally understand.

Warding off Musashi.

Suddenly the house shakes violently.

Eyepatch:"Do you keep a sword in the house"?

Swordsmith:There is none".

Eyepatch:"Not even a short sword"?

Swordsmith:"There is none"!!

Musashi is approaching until his daughter starts playing the flute, which makes him emotional, and prompts him to leave.

Shito's gay kiss.

The greatest swordsmith in the world agrees to forge the sword. "To destroy that sort of evil spirit, I'm sure that only I can make such a sword" (because he is personally so evil).

This is followed by completely unnecessary footage of the forging process. Two guys pounding metal by fire light. It goes on forever.

The action goes back to Shito and his crew. Shito is talking to the younger guy, telling him he is "too young to be a fully matured spirit of the darkness."

Then he gives him a gay kiss and asks, "Do you understand"?

Lustful encounter.

The younger guy does not understand, because in the next scene, he is approaching a young girl who is playing the flute next to a river in the sunshine. He begins accosting her, and tells her, "I love you!"

She responds, "Alright! Just go away!"

He lets the girl run away; then he begins to cry.

Eyepatch appears and states, "I see there is still some sense left in you...more or less."

The younger guy is crying like a girl now and lamenting, "I feel tormented"! He asks Eyepatch to please kill him.

As Eyepatch is about to cut off the younger guy's head, the younger guy starts singing. This singing affects Eyepatch on some undisclosed level, prompting him to stop and declare, "You must go on living."

Back on the mountaintop, the sword is finally finished, then the master swordsmith dies. He last words were, "If you encounter God, God will be cut. If you encounter an evil spirit, the evil spirit will be cut. This is the greatest sword I ever made."

Eyepatch responds, "I am truly gratified."

All hell is breaking loose in town. The farmer's are rioting. They don't want to pay taxes on lousy farmland and they are rising up against the local magistrates.

Lady Hosokawa takes another form and is telling the head magistrate, "Oh look, my lord! A deer"! Under some magical influence, the magistrate sees deer instead of angry townspeople and he starts shooting them all with arrows! So, if the villagers didn't think highly of him before, they think a lot less of him now.

Crucifixion scene.

Next up is a mass crucifixion scene with angry farmer protesters. It is not clear whether the magistrate still thinks he is crucifying deer, or if he is now crucifying a different group of villagers.

Something possesses one of the female villagers to take her shirt off and go into a frenzy (I couldn't get a good video capture because she was moving around too wildly). Then the crosses begin to glow. The shit hits the fan and Shito convinces the villagers to burn down the shogun's castle.

Glowing crucifixes.

When they all run off, Eyepatch is cremating the dead on a bonfire until he is at last challenged by Musashi. Musashi wants a one-on-one dual on an island beach.

Eyepatch accepts the challenge, despite protests from Musashi's daughter. "It is, perhaps, the way of the sword; and that is the path I have chosen."

Musashi on the beach.

The next day, Eyepatch meets Musashi on the beach. The greatest swordsmith in the world's step-daughter is there as well, playing her flute; hoping to discombobulate Musashi again.

When he hears his daughter's flute-playing, Musashi declares, "I have no room in my heart for tender emotions. Listen to the flute as I smash your skull into thousands of pieces." He is brutal.

Emotional flute music.

This dialogue is followed by a great (and by "great", I mean "boring") sword battle on the beach with flute music in the background. Eyepatch wins. 

The rest of the film is mass chaos. Farmers are burning the shogun's castle. Mass carnage is everywhere. Lots of fire and killing. The estate's Lord is fighting for his life and is getting along fine. He is a great swordsman.

Lord of the estate.

Shito is egging everything on. He fights the estate's Lord and reminds him the whole point of all of this is to avenge the massacred Christians.

Eyepatch shows up to put an end to this nonsense once and for all. Shito tries to tempt him with immortality, but Eyepatch declines; stating, "I do not believe in anyone having eternal life. Above all, I cannot allow you to exist."

When Shito declares, "I intend to turn this entire country to ashes", Eyepatch slices his head right off.

Shito's talking, decapitated head.

Shito catches his own head (!) and it is still running it's mouth, laughing about how Shito will return again.

Then the camera fades out and it is finally over.

Conclusion - This movie was a little bit of everything (i.e. confusing, annoying, boring...). I bought it at my local 99 Cent Store because I loved the cover. The deranged samurai looked promising, but any promise that this movie held was lost even before Chapter 'Hell' - Part 2 got rolling. Even though it only cost 99 cents, I feel ripped off.

[ Reviewed late 2006. ]