Glorious Green Urinals

Breathtaking green urinals at the Los Angeles Theater. 

They don’t make them like this anymore. 

Supplement to "My Experience Falling Through a Bathroom Ceiling"

Referring back to my earlier post, My Experience Falling Through a Bathroom Ceiling, I’ve always wished someone had taken a photo of the moment. Thanks to the magic of A.I., I’ve now created a rough approximation of what it might have looked like to see me crashing through the ceiling of a high school restroom.

1.) First try - I look like Gary Neuman, but thought this image suffered from the lack of  falling ceiling debris. It also missed the detail that I was wearing a suit jacket.

2.) This is more like it. It included the broken ceiling and showed me coming down on top of a toilet. Also, I look like Ryan.

3.) I look like Brother Todd in this one - kick open the door!

4.) This one captures my confusion pretty well, though the toilet is halfway up the wall.

Anyway, I guess you would have had to have been there.

ABOUT PEE

I kept a copy of this mimeographed poem since junior high. 

I think it still holds up after  35 years.

ABOUT PEE

The sun pees in his bed

A horse pees out his tail

A duck pees by his mouth

A ghost pees out of his nose

A spaceman pees on top of his saucer

A hog pees from his ears and makes tears

A chair pees by his legs

Teeth pee by the point of a gumdrop

A toilet pees in a bowl

A man pees in his mouth

A man pees on top of the museum

A dog pees on top of the furniture

A cat pees on food - echk!

A cat pees on dog mess

A drawer pees where the flies live

A jacket pees by the zipper

A coat pees out its pocket

A devil pees by the fork and tail

A boat pees out the propeller

A garbage can pees on people's hands

A flower pees on the stems

- Ronald and Ellen

Restroom Damage, 1988

I admit it; it was me.

Also, being able to print a custom sign like this on a computer was revolutionary in the 1980s. I bet the teacher who created it was happy for the opportunity.

The Metal John

Do you ever look back on your high school days and think of a particular spot that holds special memories for you? For me and my friends, that spot was a restroom that we called "the metal john." "Metal" refers to the heavy metal music that we loved, while "john" is a slang term for restroom.

The Metal John was a popular spot for us to hang out before, after, between, or during classes. It was located at the top of a flight of stairs. The walls contained almost no graffiti at all.

We would spend time in there each day talking shit. At one point we made up an opera called “King of the Urinal” which included the line, "I'm the king of the urinal/Hear my flush/Fear my flush". Those small moments of connection and laughter helped us get through the day.

King of the Urinal opera.

The Metal John was always treated with respect. Unlike other bathrooms we frequented, it was never damaged or vandalized in any way.

The Metal John might not have been a typical hangout spot, but it was our spot, and it will always hold a special place in my heart.

Packing the urinals.

So here's to "the metal john": a humble restroom that brought joy and laughter to many of us during our high school days. 

5 Johns in the John

Growing up, most of the jobs or classes I’ve been part of almost always had more than one guy named John. To keep things straight, we’d usually have to add the first letter of each John’s last name—John S., John M., and so on.

Things were no different in 1991when I was working at a fish camp in Valdez, Alaska. There were several Johns working there, and one day we found ourselves swapping stories about how common our name was. Note: I use the common pronunciation, “John,” but my name is actually spelled (correctly) - Jon, without the silent “h.”

That’s when we had a collective notion to take a commemorative photo of all the Johns on the crew. The setting of course was in the men’s restroom – also known as the John.

As a bonus, there was a Japanese man pissing in the background, though he almost certainly was not named John.

L to R: Big John, Blond John, Me, Bearded John, & Jon A.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Feb. 2, 2004]