Save the World: Van Log, 1994: Hyder, AK (Brit. Col. Side Trip)

[Side trip into Hyder, Alaska, on our way through British Columbia. The proper entrance to Alaska is north through the Yukon Territory, so we continued on through Canada after this excursion.]

We're on the Alkean Highway, pretty good road isn't it? I love driving on this road! Lots of curves & hills, but they're perfectly spaced out and you can still maintain a good speed. Nothing too extreme, but there's constant adjustment. Keeps you occupied. This must be what it's like to drive a stick.

This Dylan from Yorkshire, England. I'm gonna do some laundry.

Hi. My name's Frank. We just got picked up from British Columbia. I'm gonna go get my wing fixed.

1:15 pm: We're in Hyder, it's small. We're gonna get "Hyderized". Glacier Inn bar & liquor store.

We're drunk. We're outside the Glacier Inn. We've all been Hyderized & that consists of drinking a shot of pure grain alcohol - an ounce.

We got a certificate for it, each has been witnessed by the other three from the van & a hitchhiker. Now Todd & Mel are shooting pool & we're gonna go in & interview the waitress. She has a lot of good stories. I've heard her talking to the locals - to the visitors - she's the local. We're now in Alaska. Hyder.

Incredible fog. Everybody's got a stagger in this town & there's a lonely little puppy leaning against the wall for support. He gave me a shake & I didn't even ask for it.

Do you wanna say something? Can you speak? Speak! Squeek? Shake? He's hanging his head, maybe he's sad. Maybe he doesn't have an owner. Is he skinny? No. He's fat. Well fed.

Hyder, Alaska.

Wall of the Glacier Inn.

Getting Hyderized.

We Love Hyder!

The walls here are covered with money, supposedly from the old gold miners who'd do that to stake a claim. But really it's just alcoholics.

The tourists have placed their own dollars with their own signatures to show they've been here.

Want me to scratch your belly? My hands are filthy. So are mine. Wanna shake? Hey, Do you know if he has an owner?

Yeah, the people who own the bar.

He's the bar dog, eh? Oh. Okay.

Now we'll go into the bar. Our hands are really filthy. From the dog.

Can you say something for our Van Log?

You bet. Hello, You are talking to Caroline from Hyder, AK. I'm currently up to the absolutely rottenest task. Making a dirty letter to my boss using $2 bills. I'm currently taking bills & I'm putting them on the wall, spelling out "Fuck You, Buzzy". You know me. You know Buzzy. He'll never notice & I'll enjoy laughing about this for a year.

I've just completed the "F".

"Fuck You, Buzzy."

My claim to fame is, in tending bar in Hyder for hundreds of years, I can speed Hyderize.

[Recites Hyderization rap super fast:]

What I have before you is a water chaser, this in the other hand, is a house special. You may not taste it or smell it first. You have to knock it back straight one time & one time only... On the count of 3, down the hatch. 1,2,3. Congratulations, you've just been Hyderized with 1 ounce of Everclear 190 proof straight grain alcohol. Here's you card, sign your name to it...Welcome to Hyder & have a nice day. Bingo! We're done! Thank you.

Todd sank the 9 ball. Todd has me at a distinct disadvantage because his cue ball landed right touch the 12 ball, which I cannot touch in order to make my shot. This is going to be a close game. Both Todd & Mel only have the 8 ball on the table.

Mel failed to sink the 8 ball, now it's up to Todd. I have a dime, Canadian, on Todd. Laura has a dime, Canadian, on Mel. Todd's aiming...that also did not go in.

Where'd that money go? The dimes are gone. The money that me & Laura were wagering is gone. Missing from the table.

Todd sank the 8 & has won the game! Mel's winning streak is ended. If I were to lose to anybody on the planet, I'm glad it's Todd Gilliom.

Coming over the border, we thought there'd be another search, but our hitchhikers informed us there is no border patrol here. They said, "There used to be a sign, but it fell down". So that's a way to get into Alaska if you've got a bag of dope. But we don't.

I admit I stole those dimes.

I talked to an old woman, she's here from South Africa & she was part of the white apartheid group. She said she knew absolutely nothing of the atrocities that were going on in the black neighborhoods and she's really glad Mandela has been in. And since Mandela's been in, there's been a wealth of information given to the white populace about the atrocities. I'm sure it's denial. It could be, but she seemed pretty sincere about it. Her name was Myra. Myra from South Africa.. The way she pronounced her vowels was just beautiful.

Our first beer when we get to Alaska is dedicated to James & Jamie in Gillette, Wyoming! Hey! This is our second....OH!! Yaaayyyy!!!! James & Jamie in Gillette, Wyoming!! May they enjoy their jobs at Subway and everything afterwards. The point is - We got that responsibility out of the way. Now all we have to worry about is the first bowl for Chuck & Digger. Which will be glorious. After that, we're free.

Mel is the most sociable person - flashing peace signs at guys in Volvos. I like talking to people. The only way to meet people is to be sociable with them because they're not going to be sociable with you. More than I like talking to people, Mel does. I'm having a great time! This is fun! The Glacier Inn. Hyder, Alaska.

Mel's not too uninhibited. I should let out a war whoop right now, but there's too many people. We all have Ranier, thanks to Jon. From beer pressure to peer pressure is the difference of another beer. One more, or one less, it depends on your mood. Shame on me. He about sunk the 8 ball. My money's on Laura. Mine's on Mel. It always has been. Though I defeated him.

Shit! Mel sunk the black ball! I've got the dough! I'm buying the pork rinds.

I need a pack of Camel Special Lights in a bag. I'm taking a pack of GPCs out of the milk crate. Mine's under the bunk on the right hand side. Here you go! Here's the keys! Go!!

These microwaved pork rinds, they're terrible. Have one.

No!

One!

No!

I dare you!

No!

You played me in pool. That was pretty daring.

Not as daring as eating fucking fried pork skin.

"60% less fat than fried pork rinds", but they're still disgusting. They're nuclear pork rinds.

I finished my last beer.

I haven't.

I'm down to 3 dollars, Canadian.

I've got 20, Canadian.

I've got 23 dollars, American.

I've got 2 dollars, Canadian, 2 dollars, American, & a credit card.

This pork rind's like a bone. We're in Alaska, we're just not where we want to be in Alaska. I like Kool Milds. It doesn't get your fix though. It's like smoking a candy cane. You'd think that would cover up the breath, but it really makes it worse.

I try to do this on the sly. I'm only doing this because you don't live here. Who are you gonna tell? You never know. We could become tree planters & come in and tell your boss. We're fishers. We're Hoosiers. Corn planting. Born & bred. I've never lived on a farm.

But you've lived by a farm that's had cornfields before, haven't you?

Yeah.

Jon, you'd better take this 'cause I just drank from it. I'm sorry. Laura is helping Caroline with the staple gun. Come on, Jon. You're up for pool.

OK. Quincy's is an ash.

Caroline, she brought my coat & flannel to me, which I forgot in the bar and she said, "Come here. I've got something to show you...". She paints! She's got water colors and a beautiful beautiful painting that she did of the mountains. She does these regularly & she sells them as postcards around here.That's fucking cool! I'd be totally satisfied with a job like that.

It's raining & we can't get the stove to work. Every other time we try it, it doesn't work. Then every other other time, it does work. Either it's bad karma, or we're just fucking up.

Day 8 - 5:42pm: We left the Glacier Inn. Laura & I made sandwiches. Todd & Jon are having chips. And Todd & Jon are trying to figure out where we're going. I don't know where we're going. Todd is concentrated. In talking to Dylan & Frank, I learned a lot about Europe. All that decadence & sex & chaos you hear about? It's true. Laura's stealing my chips. There's decadence here too. We could be in Amsterdam.