Van Log, 1994: British Columbia

5:19 pm: The border Patrol made a mess of our van....Fuckers. They messed everything up! Bags are all over, sleeping bags off the shelf, the Necessities Box is on top of the Food Box, they just rape you. They rape your stuff, violate your privacy. I'm putting the Mountie up. We are in Canada now! We've got our Canadian money and we're going on to Vancouver. And Customs stole a pack of my cigarettes.

5:52 pm: We've now crossed Vancouver city limits. We've parked on Howe Street at a parking lot. It's $1.50 for every two hours of $5.00 all day. $70.00 monthly. We're gonna walk around.

9:00 pm: We just came back from the Pub Pub Pub, which was the lobby of the St. Regis Hotel. There are a lot of fun things here and a big diverse collection of people. Lots of porno shops & leather stores which is kind of intriguing seeing as how they keep closing them down in Indiana. There was a guy selling peace pipes who gave us directions. We were trying to find the seedy part of town, but it seemed a bit too far for the time that we have to spend here. We were going to get on a bus, but we didn't have exact change at all. Vancouver, given enough time and enough money, could really please me; I think.

I don't know if my short hair makes me look like the domestic type, but I've been asked twice if Laura is my wife. They think I'm married - the guy at the border and then the guy who was telling us where to find the seedy part of town. And he asked me if I was in the Navy.

He asked me if I was in the Army.

He had a whole bag full of cassette tapes & a bag full of beers. We offered to buy him a beer & he said, "No, I already have one" and pointed to his plastic grocery store bag. What a guy. We're looking for 5, who knows where we are? There are a lot of beautiful women in this town. Wow, look at that! "West Coast Tattooing" with a big demon on the storefront!

There's massive bruising on the ankle from today's walk, blood red and slightly black. We've got a photograph of the post-Vancouver ankle. It didn't feel that bad, but now after a couple of beers, it feels great. Bruising does not cause pain, bruising is just the bursting of blood vessels which could be painful, but not to me.

I've seen so many hockey sticks being wielded in the streets here.

9:23 pm: We're kind of on a weird stretch of road here, I think it's just a park. We don't know. There are trees on both sides of the road. Nothing but trees. Two thirds of the lanes are marked with a red "X" & there's a lot of traffic coming at us. Our lane is marked with a green arrow & we're going the other direction. "Park Drive", so it may very well be a park. We're coming up on a bridge - an enormous bridge - and enormous mountains behind it. Everything around us is enormous. As we take this bridge, we see more of Vancouver and, below us (a long ways) is a barge towing two big things of grain. It's really wide. Very pretty. Tug Tug Tug Tug Tug Tug...

This city - I'm sure its got its pollution, its problems, its crime and all the shitty aspects of any city; but you just kind of lose that when you look at the city and see the trees & the backdrop of mountains. I looks like a nice place to live.

9:40 pm: We're in the Vancouver suburbs and they're very wealthy. We're kind of lost and there's a guy wearing a paper hat. Vancouver is a bitch! Lots of turn-offs all over the place. Right now, we're turning around at this guy's house & we're hitting his trees! He has a landscaped yard, a red rubber hose & not enough room in his driveway to turn around. This is, like, a twelve-point turn. Now we can go.

This guy in the cook hat who was sweeping off the road (he was Austrian Jon says), he told us to go all the way down to the stop sign and ask for directions there. So maybe there will be a sage waiting for us there with a roadmap. Maybe he didn't know, maybe he didn't have the words to tell us; didn't remember "left" or "right", so he just said, "Go down and ask there."

We found 99 and we smell hot dogs. We're heading North & the brakes may be going out.

10:30 pm: Broad daylight in British Columbia. We're going up 99, a very winding road with lots of beautiful scenery. A minute ago, we saw a tea shop, and I know you can make wide conclusions, but I think that's a little bit more of a British influence than the U.S. has. A tea shop in the middle of fucking nowhere. Green phone poles! Awe-inspiring cliffs of British Columbia!

We just peed at the McDonalds & they have pizza here, which I almost bought.

"I'll bet it's just gross shitty fastfood McDonalds pizza."

"But I want to know it is."

"I'll bet you right now..."

"I'll bet a looney that it's okay & Mel bets that it's shitty. We'll each eat half & whoever's right gets the looney & if you think it's that bad, I get the rest of your half."

The smell outside of McDonalds in British Columbia was not completely like the smell of other McDonalds. It must have been the pepperoni.

While I was in the bathroom, there was a boy taking a shit and another boy taking his shoes off and passing them to the boy who was taking a shit and who had already taken off his shoes. They were trading shoes.

My coffee spilled and it was shooting out of that straw like antifreeze out of a radiator. I spilled a bit on my hand and it is scalding, definitely something to be careful around.

This stretch of road is not as bad as it was. It's gotten a lot better since we've come down off the mountain. 99 North out of Vancouver has some beautiful scenery and I recommend it, but be careful. If I lived in the Vancouver suburbs, I'd either hire a driver or sell my vehicle. I wouldn't want to drive home there after going to the bars, but maybe you could get used to it.

"Fuck it! I don't want to get used to it. If you get used to driving in a city like that, you've just got to be fucking out of your mind because that means that your natural state of thought is all fucked up".

"It might make it nimble. I guess you could go about it nimbly. You could go to either extreme in Vancouver.

If you could master driving in Vancouver, you'd be a real hard-ass driver, but on the other hand, if you get on a long and uneventful road, you might lose interest easily and fall asleep & go off. Or you might just get really bored. Todd just made a convenient "Miles to Kilometers" conversion chart that will be very handy going through Canada. I have seen the perfect stretch of road! God All-Mighty, What have you done?

12:06 am: We just got our first full tank of gas at "Petro Canada". We just listened to the Flash Gordon soundtrack & it was a real treat. The fact that the British Columbians don't label their roads very well is really causing us a lot of inconvenience - loss of time, loss of gas, loss of energy & just general frustration. It's getting pretty dark and we're backtracking & just trying to figure shit out. 

Grey road, red road...Which road's the red road? We want the red road. We've got the situation figured out: What seems to be the worst road (the color grey) on the map is actually the best road pavement-wise. Neither are labeled, so we're trying to guess which one is which. We're going to look at the sign when we get back on what we think may be the red road. Nothing! It just has a picture of a road and it says, "For 9KM". We don't know. We're just going to have to take it slow so we don't blow that tire.

12:55 am: Now we have pavement! We're 83Kms from Lillooet & we're going up some mountains and they look pretty wild. "Extreme Grades Next 13 Kms". It's some fucked-up territory, but you've gotta love it. Speed limit 12mph on this curve. My ears tell me that we are definitely going up and the drone of the van also tells me that. And the drone of Bob Dylan is keeping us going. Have we got the curves! Now this is a mountain road! Try putting it on "2" instead of "Drive" & see if that helps. Yeah, I don't have to floor it to go anymore. Big pay-off!

1:07 am: We've tuned-in to the Indian channel on the radio. No, it's Chinese! Jonnie knows a little bit, at least enough to distinguish it from Indian. We're way up here, not far from the snow caps. I see no way that we could climb any higher on this mountain. We've gotta start going down. Here we go! I feel a little bit light-headed from the altitude. Oh shit, it was a fooler! Here we go back up again!

We are high and dry, no rain tonight. It's a lot of fun and it's really whacking me out. We are at equal altitude with the snow caps. The last Highway 99 sign was, like, 600 miles ago, now we finally get verification that we're on 99 & it's down on a steep mountain. Going through the towns when the road splits, there's not a sign! You don't know where you're at in the towns. We've got snow right beside us. Snow and a boulder. There's a mountain lake, it's formed by glaciers.

Lillooet, B.C. We're here for a few hours, but hopefully we'll get the van going, then we'll get on our way. I'm gonna go into town, gonna look for a shower. Might just kick back somewhere, have a coffee & read a book.

Jon, Mel & Todd here, by the river, having a beer. Sun's out, Laura's taking a shower for 3 bucks & is going back into town. The brakes were apparently down to the bare metal, so it's a good thing we stopped. Todd & I went to this quaint little game place played some pool - it was a good release.

I just got off a bit by myself & that always does me good - looked at mountains, smoked some cigarettes, went into Lou's Family Restaurant, that was nice.

A couple of old guys were in there talking about, "educated idiots" & being down on the teachers that come through town here. Sayin', "They've got beards and no common sense and they're teachin' our kids to be idiots". My Godfather, that's all he talks about is educated idiots.

British Columbian glacer.

Bridge to Lillooet, B.C.

Roadsice hacky sack.

Aside: While in Lillooet, we explored many of the town's small stores (probably ALL of them). Todd stumbled across one where the proprietor, Mr. Hans Meyer, had a collection of license plates, from numerous American states and Canadian provinces, on display.

Todd thoughtfully saved the man's address in the event that we may want to send him a license plate in the future to help bridge some of the gaps in his collection.

A year or two later, when I was settled in Alaska and Todd had recently transferred up there, I had just gotten official Alaskan plates put on the van. I still had the old Indiana plates laying around and Todd pulled out Mr. Meyer's card, suggesting that we mail them to him since Indiana was not represented in his collection.

Good thinking, Todd. Thanks for remembering Mr. Meyer's license plate collection.

Mr. Meyer responded with the following letter:

Mr. and Mrs. Gilliom Anchorage, AlaskaDear Mr. and Mrs. Gilliom: [sic]
Thank you very much for sending me your licence plate.
I don't know if I eve will get to Indiana, so that plate is very welcome. Now I am missing only approximately 35 states, including Alaska. I have one of the older Yukon plates, but still none from Alaska although I much have asked half a dozen tourists. I'm still hoping to make a trip up there soon to bring back a license plate.
Thank you again. I hope you enjoy your stay in the North!
Yours truly
Hans Meyer Lillooet, B.C.

The actual letter.

Day 7 - 7:53 pm: We're leaving Lillooet, great little town, brakes are fixed, radiator's fixed, & no more fucking around with that. It was a good chillin-out period. I feel really good. I can handle these mountains. Todd & I played some pool, jogged around town a bit, went to a pub, watched some hockey - I don't know what you guys did.

I went & found a really comfortable spot on a mountain, sat there awhile, watched the river, & then I found Todd & Mel and we had a beer then I walked back into town & ran into Laura and went to the coffee shop with her. And I've been there twice that day!

I washed up in the river & a bunch of guys drove by and saw me naked. Then I took the hottest shower of my life.

I've got a blister on my toe. I think I've got a blister on my heel.

Ankle Report - I haven't looked at it yet, I'm sure it's an ugly bruise. I can hop on my ankle & I was hackin' & it feels great. So everything seems to be on the level now. Back on the road to Alaska.

"Are you eating corn chips"?

"Does it smell like it"?

Laura roller-bladed today. It was really rough, but going down the hills was pretty smooth.

We're gonna find a scenic spot & make some macaroni & cheese. Todd's gonna change socks.

9:23 pm: We're cookin' macaroni & cheese by a beautiful lake. Foul smell of South Dakota buffalo shit burning off the bottom of the pan. We're using it to saute onions & carrots.

10:40pm: Jonnie just took off his shoes & socks and they smell good.

I aint smellin' it.

They don't smell bad.

My right...actually, both of the knuckles of my big toes...are stained brown! No other dirt but on those two toe knuckles.

We had a little meal, it was good...a little bland, but that was our first macaroni & cheese batch yet. We're still learning. It's usually not intended as a main course, we're kind of pushing the limits when we do that. It was Kraft and it was crafted well.

We're on 97 now, going North. There's a ferris wheel. No it's a miller's wheel. A water wheel! It's open from 8-8, then they shut it down.

5:45 am - Laura's been driving all night. She stopped in Prince George, where she had coffee & a meal while we all slept. Didn't get real dark last night. It was kind of dusky. I mean, you wouldn't want to read outside...you wouldn't be able to do it. But there was a blue tint to the sky all night. We're on the 16, West of Prince George & we just saw the first, "Moose X-ing" sign. The sun is already coming up. I'm starting to see shit out of the corners of my eyes. I think I might pull off.

7:00 am: I'm trying to catch up with those guys in the van ahead of us. Maybe they're going that Alaskan way & have a joint to smoke with us. That would be nice. We caught up with that van, I saw their faces & they looked pretty freaked out. They allowed us to pass them easily & we haven't had sight of them in miles. In the words of Laura, "Those guys are pussies".

8:50am: We just saw a road-killed moose! A big one! Just laying by the side of the road. So those signs are true, the mooses really do cross the road. Glad it wasn't me who hit it.

"Buffalo Eggs"?...and "Buffalo Chicken"... hahaha! Eggs and chicken. Don't ask. We don't know either. I warned 'em!! About those eggs and about those chickens.

Van Log, oh little van log, I'm going to hold you in my lap until just the right moment & I don't know when that will be.

Day 9, 9:57 am: We're watching tragedy in action as our deal beloved mascot, Sam-On, is about to lose his left front fin. We're going into surgery right now with the wonder adhesive, Shoe Goo

Medical Update: At 10:01am, surgery was complete. Here's Dr. Todd for comments: "I gooped it on, Mel kind of spread it out, and Sam-On looks much happier."

We stopped at a Chevron in New Hazelton, Canada & I bought a Coffee Crisp. It says, [Reads ingredients in French]..."Makes a nice light snack." And Laura, remembering her hallucinations, got a Mirage & it is [Reads ingredients in French]...I don't know. It's thick, yet light! We're gonna all sample these. See what this Canadian candy is all about.

I've made an observation about the people indigenous to this mountain area. I think that, for some reason, evolution has seen fit to give these people exceptionally long arms. Now, my evidence for this is the fact that the toilet paper roll is an exceptionally long way from the toilet. Smilin' Sam must be from here originally. Lick it, Like it, Love it.

Our reactions to the Coffee Crisp: MMMMM!!!! MMMMMMM!!!!! Yeah, I like that. I can't taste the coffee. I can't either. OK, let's get the van started up.

My Mirage is like a chocolate sponge. It's very light.

Batman! Batman! Batman!

[Entire van crew sings along with the Batman theme song playing on the tapedeck]

10:59 am: We've decided that we are going across into Alaska about 200 miles from here, to this bar where we're going to get "Hyderized". If Laura & I don't get carded. Laura is going to start flashing a "Joint" sign at any car we pass.

12:03 pm: We're 2 miles over our 200 mile rule-of-thumb for getting gas. It's raining & we're going to run out of gas. Maybe, if we just ignore it, we won't. I've been bowing to those crows. Roll up that window for gas mileage!

12:06 pm: We're seen a sign, "Gas - Next Right"! I'd like to say thanks to our own personal deities - Thanks! We just passed the turn! We've pulled into a construction site & we're going to get some gas! I bet it's 60 cents per liter. I'm glad it's not my turn.

12:14pm: The van is 57 degrees, which is starting to feel pretty warm. We got gas. It was 60 cents per liter. It was Jon's turn, he put out $40.16! But it is nonetheless, an oasis of salvation. Otherwise we'd be stranded by the roadside in much worse spirits than we are now. In the cold rain. We're now leaving this oasis of construction & going back on the 37 North.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Detour into Hyder, Alaska:At this point, we briefly leave British Columbia and take a 200 mile recreational detour into Hyder, Alaska, to achieve "Hyderization". While Hyder is technically Alaska, it is not our destination as it has no roads to the state's interior. It is connected by road only to Canada. It is only Alaska in name. For our purposes, it might as well be part of Canada.  

Follow Us to Hyder, AK

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Back to British Columbia, Canada:

7:45 pm: We're at a strange place here with way overpriced gasoline. I started pumping it in, then Mel told me there's another place less than 20 miles away. So we're gonna do that.

9:27 pm: The return of Mel at the wheel. No inane ramblings. We just had a $48 fill-up. I gave up driving until I have my own car where, if I crash, it's my own fucking problem and nobody else has to worry about a thing.

We just saw a bear! Big black bear!! He was wandering through the pine forest. It looked like he had a human arm in his mouth. I think it was a fish. It was a pretty roly poly bear. I don't know if it was necessarily a black bear or grizzly bear or maybe just a teddy bear. I don't really know. It was a bear.

Not to be anti-climactic, but then we saw a rooster across the street. Black Rooster.

10:19 pm: A lumbering porcupine walking along the road. Last time, we saw wolverines. Had big adamantium claws on them. We saw some with blue boots and some with brown boots.

We just saw the porcupine's buddy. We just saw another porcupine. They're out in troops today. Screwy, Loony, and Dewey. 

We just saw numbers 4 and 5 together by the road.

6th porcupine!

7 porcupines!!

11:15pm: There's a moose running away from us. Fully antlered, hump backed, cute big old moose. The first live moose we've seen. Anticipating more.

11:34 pm: The 8th porcupine of the day. We're on a roll.

12:01 am: We're gonna go down and look at a lake in the mountains. Mel's foot is fucked up! It's really swollen, but he's not feeling any pain, so he isn't taking it seriously like he should be.

What would I do to take it seriously?

Stay off of it.

Yeah right, so I've gotta sit in the van while you guys go off and have fun? Forget about it.

We'll pull over and you can get some wood and you can make a crutch out of a pine tree.

The lake was nice and clear. Laura found some seagull footprints and the mosquitos were terrible.

Jon is picking up telepathic vibes from the Van Crew.

I'm telepathic...HaHaHa...I knew what tape Todd was going to play and I knew what tape Laura wanted to hear.

Get out of my head, man!

I'm in Mel's head telling him to get that foot looked at, but he's fighting me all the way on it. He's got a strong will, but I'll break that will.

Forward!
Into the Yukon Territory

Or, go anywhere:  

Van Log '94: A Collective Narrative:

Forward by Todd               South Dakota, pt. 1               Washington

Leaving Indiana                South Dakota, pt. 2               British Columbia

Illinois                               Wyoming                               Hyder, AK (side trip)

Wisconsin                         Montana                                Yukon Territory

Minnesota                         Idaho                                     Alaska