3 Things from Santa Ana

A few memories from a notebook I kept while living in Santa Ana in late 2006 before getting my first librarian job:

1.  A phone company tech came over to address a connection issue. He mentioned a $55 home visitation fee for just entering the house. Sandra brought the phone outside to him (we had a really long cord) and asked him to test the line outside for free. He did and the problem was due to faulty installation, so we were billed nothing for the repairs. 

2.  Theory - Cabrillo Park is the Bermuda Triangle of dogs. There are always different missing dog signs hanging on the phone poles over there.

3. The suspicion that our neighbors are selling drugs is supported by a recent incident in which the lady of the house brought over a tray of freshly baked cookies and commented, “We really appreciate neighbors who mind their own business.”

Uncle Rog's Cottage

[Compiled from various posts on the Gilliomville message board, contributed by various Gillioms and Franks]:

Q:  Who was that Aunt who made the really good cinnamon rolls at Uncle Rog's cottage?
A:  It was Aunt Elva. She also made wonderful potato salad.

When it rained at Uncle Rog's, the girls would go shopping. I remember one year I got new nail polish, and Aunt Elva let me paint her fingernails hot pink. I thought she was the coolest old lady ever.

One time the family was all out at Rog’s cottage and young Rick (about 13 years old) got into Rog's booze and ended up very drunk.

Remember the time at the lake when Nick hooked Aunt Vi in the middle of the forehead [with a fishing hook] and she had to walk around with a hook in there for several hours until they found a doctor to take it out?

I remember mostly loads and loads of jello cubes and as much soda pop as we wanted. There was that outdoor built-in cooler with running water inside, keeping a constant cool temperature. It was like, "wow...we can just keep going back for more...even if we aren't thirsty...They NEVER run out!!!" I'm glad I wasn't footing the soda bill.

I remember all of us licking the jello cubes and trying to stick them on windows. It was kind of gross re-licking them after they fell off, they were all dirty and stuff.

Melon Shark

Yep, I made this.
For the Summer Reading Picnic, 2013.

Melon Shark.

Apparently, it later escaped and was found on the periphery of the Summer Reading picnic grounds:

Shark hazard in the bushes.

OC, First Impressions

I drove around the City of Orange for a few hours, assessing my new city. My initial impression would be that this is a nice and shiny community with lots of commercial establishments. It should be very much like living inside a mall.

I'm in a hillside house, away from the hustle and bustle, but close enough for everything to be convenient.

I didn't notice very many of the local, independent establishments that dominate East L.A. There were lots of national chains, so it's a lot more antiseptic and commercial, but very comfortable. I will miss the taco trucks of L.A. though.

There are two Del Tacos about a block or two down each street of my nearest intersection, so that's something. I can hear the Disney fireworks at night, and the freeway traffic if I open my window.

I have a personal restroom next to my bedroom with two (!) sinks.  I think I'll set up my coffee maker next to one of them to prevent counter drippage and I'll use the other for hygiene purposes.

I just spent $100 on bathroom, cleaning, & office supplies that will probably last me for years.

I also replenished some essentials - new towels, bottle opener/corkscrew, comfortable bathroom rug, toilet plunger w/ an ergonomic handle, & some of that shit that makes your toilet water blue.

I am ready to roll.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Jan. 23 - 28, 2004]

Innovations in Armrest Design

The second armrest looks way more comfortable than the first.

1984 Diary: Selected Excerpts

Selected journal entries (circa March-April, 1984) -

* "Today was a good day because nobody told me what to do and we all got along fine".

* "In gym class, James was making fun of me for not having much hair on my legs. I, myself, don't feel that having hairy legs is important at all...maybe I shouldn't even be his friend anymore".

* "Tomorrow is class. I hope I look good, because I haven't looked good in class even one time all year".

* "We went to a fish fry. It was fun, even though nobody from my class was there".

* "I didn't go to church today and I'm glad.
It's not that I don't believe in God, it's just that churches give me a real bad feeling".

* "I don't like how I look.
I prayed about it, but nothing happened.
I don't know what else to do".

* "I had a good day today. We didn't do anything in gym class...if tomorrow goes like I plan, tomorrow will be just as good".

* "One of my dad's friends finally decided to go into alcoholism treatment. We went to Ohio to visit him. It was fun".

* "Dad got mad at me for reading too much and not talking to anybody. He got so mad he was almost screaming, then he threatened to take away my comic books".

* "Grandma Roth gave me a new shirt - it has the name of her church on it".

* "Nick and I stole 2 of Uncle Rick's rubbers when we were over there for Easter.
We put one in a guy's mailbox and saved the other until today when we sold it to a kid at church for a dollar".

* "I got a new pair of jeans at the mall. All is well and I have no problems".

* "Today I worked in the school cafeteria and almost got fired for throwing a milk in the air & letting it land in the meat balls".

* "I guess there's nothing else to say, except good-bye". 

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Dec. 9, 2004]

Floating Strawberries

Girl with boba drink watching floating strawberries.

San Bernardino, 2000

Kept driving, never found any. And that was the least of my problems with that place. San Bernardino sucked.

Keep Driving.

My Worldview

Results of my "Worldview Quiz":

You scored as Postmodernist. 
Postmodernism is the belief in complete open interpretation. You see the universe as a collection of information with varying ways of putting it together. There is no absolute truth for you; even the most hardened facts are open to interpretation. Meaning relies on context and even the language you use to describe things should be subject to analysis.

What is Your World View?

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, May 22, 2005]

Christmas Caroling, 1991

In 1991, Janel and Brandon joined Todd, Jonnie, and Mel on a spur of the moment Christmas Caroling spree throughout Columbia City. The greatest thing about this night was the fact it was unplanned and entirely spontaneous. We were knocking on people’s doors and sharing the yuletide spirit with friends and strangers alike. 

Christmas Caroling, 1991.

The only outsider account I’ve heard regarding this night came from an acquaintance that lived in an apartment complex we had visited. They did not answer the door when we knocked, but we sang gloriously in the corridors of the apartment building anyway. We later asked this person why they weren’t home and they replied, “I was home. I was actually sleeping. I remember hearing what sounded like a bunch of drunks singing, Here comes Santa Claus, Here comes Santa Claus in deep voices outside. I did not answer the door and tried to go back to sleep.”

Once we had visited everybody in our immediate vicinity, we piled into a car and drove to the center of town where we spread joy to a handful of other homes and to the local Pizza King. The last house we visited had a full-blown Christmas party in effect!  We went in for some punch, Brandon spilled his all over the table, and then we left.

7 Stupid Dreams

What does a 14 year old dream about?

My time capsule might have some clues, it contains a short dream notebook from March, 1984:

1. "I went to a martial arts class, but when I walked into the building, everybody was just sitting on benches looking around.
Then the teacher came in and made us read from a computer book. It didn't have anything to do with martial arts at all".

2. "I dreampt I was watching a cable TV station that was all about video games".

3. "I was at Nick's house and he had a cup full of liquid vitamin C.
We were dipping chips in it".

4. "We were getting ready for church & a lady from the church was telling us about their Sunday School.
I kept imagining her naked while she was talking and I wanted to have sex with her".

5. "Aunt Denise gave me and Todd a bunch of old comic books, a bunch of new records, and a Hall & Oats tape".

6. "Deb gave Mark 2 plastic bags full of pink stuff".

7. "I was running down some stairs really fast, looking for the bathroom, but couldn't find it anywhere. Then I went outside and there was a man with a black beard. He gave me a skull".

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Dec. 8, 2004]

Snoozin and Losin

Exhausted at the Getty.

Drunk at the taco place.

John Wayne Airport

Me and Jon Sr. at John Wayne Airport, Orange County.

Two Jons and a John.

Donald's Storage Unit, 1999

Donald visiting his storage unit at the end of the millennium.

Donald's storage unit.

Donald was a perpetual couch surfer who rarely had a fixed address. He would stay with friends or in halfway houses throughout southern Alaska. He kept many of his personal belongings in his van, but he also had a storage unit in Anchorage where he could offload some things when his van got too full. I visited his storage unit with him on several occasions when he needed something and had to dig through several boxes of unsorted items to find it.

1984

In 1984, when I was only 14 years old, we had to make a time capsule for a class. I kept the envelope in my files over the years and recently realized it was past time to open it (the envelope was labelled, "Do Not Open Until May 19, 2004. If I die, burn this sucker.").

I vaguely remember making the time capsule and thinking I would be disappointed when I open this after waiting all those years. I didn't want to include anything that might be useful, so I just included some writings and stuff I would have thrown away otherwise:

There were some biographical things:

My best memory is:  the comic book convention
Recently I've learned: That I like heavy metal (Black Sabbath)

I also included two pretty piss poor short stories:

The first one is titled, "The Tragic Life of Walter Locatelli." It was written on a classic typewriter, which looks pretty rugged after having written everything in word processing programs for the last 10 years. It begins, "Walter Locatelli is an unhappy man. As a child, his parents tortured him in his crib".
It goes downhill fast after that, and soon degenerates into a bunch of incomprehensible gibberish.

The second story isn't as good (it was difficult to find a suitable line for posting). It's a war story - "They killed some of our guys, but we killed more of theirs. My partner, Alvin, was shot down. He owed me $12.00, but his wallet was in his pocket floating over the horizon with the rest of his bottom half; so I started swimming that way too, looking for it".

I also included this horrible photo of myself as a kid, sitting on Santa's lap and looking nauseated:

Ho Ho Ho.

And a drawing of my cat, Meemeek:

Meemeek..

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Dec. 7, 2004]

Short-Lived Hat

I bought this hat because Albert said it looked cool.  I didn't think so, but bought it on his recommendation.

For awhile, I would wear it on the bus when I rode in to work in Laguna Beach, but I eventually retired it. I think Goodwill has it now.

Selfie with hat.

Instant Messenger

I am now instant messenger equipped.
The computer named me, "jonnie701."
I shall soon start instant messaging other bloggers so we can talk shit & have encounters in a non-public environment.

This is sort of a milestone, I suppose.
I would like a cake now. Or pie.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Feb. 22, 2004]

Walk Dude

Dillingham, Alaska, when my brother Todd and I were there (1995–1997), was a very secluded part of the world—it still is, I guess, but internet availability probably changes a lot. When I was there, we had no internet, though we did have cable TV, so we weren’t entirely disconnected in terms of information, even back then. It was certainly physically disconnected, though. There were no roads to or from Dillingham; it was more of a hub town for a handful of scattered Yu'pik villages and a boat harbor with access to Bristol Bay. No fast food, though there were a couple of restaurants, bars, and grocery stores.

One year, our supervisor directed us to participate in the local parade. We drove the company van through the streets of Dillingham. While we didn’t have it together enough to create a proper float, we felt we should haul something, so we put an old Nordic Track exercise machine on the flatbed trailer and hauled that behind us. Our supervisor created a wooden figure which we all referred to as the “Walk Dude.” We added a few balloons and some signage to identify ourselves, and we were good to go.

The company van.

The "Walk Dude."

Signage, balloons, and brother Todd.

Driving into town.

It may not have been the most impressive parade float to ever see the light of day, but it served its purpose and it was hilarious. The weather was also terrible for a parade which made the whole endeavor ridiculous.

Once we hit town, there was a pretty good turnout:

 We threw out so much candy. The kids loved it.

 

It was pretty fun hauling a muddy balloon-decorated Nordic Track through town on a flatbed and throwing candy to the crowd.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Dec. 11 2004]

1984 Revisited

Previously, I've posted some excerpts from a journal I kept as a child in 1984. I just reviewed that journal again and found additional enjoyment.

My 1984 journal contains commentary relevant to just about all spheres of life (if you're a 13 year old) -

Personal Recollections -

          "...the glory of killing a chicken..."

Fiction -

          "Tapioca was spinning through space, imprisoned on a love asteroid."

Economic Speculation -

          "My collection of Encyclopedia Brown books will be worth a fortune."

Cultural Criticism -

          "Jock Itch is the fad of the '80s."

Social Observation -

          "There are a lot of druggies in North America, not to mention John Cougar."

Solutions -

          "If life gets too tough, you can always take the Nestea plunge..."

Lost Popular Slogans of the Day -

          "Get laid in an arcade!"

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Jan. 29, 2006]

Cockney Rejects

Feb. 2013, Santa Ana, CA.
(w/ Youth Brigade)

The Cockney Rejects show.

Coyotes In These Here Hills

Despite development and urbanization efforts, coyotes still roam around Orange County at night. One of them grabbed a dog right in its own yard.

I'll try to get a picture of one by the lemon tree.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Feb. 16, 2004]

Whopper w/ Cheese: An Entirely Different Sandwich

College diploma & BK uniform;
Summer, 1993.

After graduating from college, I briefly worked at Burger King to get by while I looked for a better job. During this time, BK was offering their Whopper for 99 cents, which was normally around $2.25 or something like that. The Whopper with Cheese, however, retained its original price of $2.49 (or whatever) because the manager claimed it was “an entirely different sandwich” and was not subject to the regular Whopper discount.

Justifying that arrangement and explaining the distinction to customers made my first week of work pretty annoying. It was a customer service nightmare because people kept ordering the 99-cent Whopper and requesting cheese on it, then freaking out when they were charged $2.49 instead of the expected $1.09. They’d look at me in disbelief and say, “You’re trying to charge me $1.50 for a piece of cheese?”

Then I was required to say, “Yes, we are,” and explain to them that the Whopper with Cheese was an entirely different sandwich, which was not on sale at this time. I felt like a real dick, and in that stupid hat too.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, May 14, 2006]

Gilliom Heritage, pt. 2

[Compiled from various posts on the Gilliomville message board, contributed by various Gillioms and Franks]:

Here’s how I understand my lineage - I am Todd, son of Jon, son of John, son of Orel, son of Isaac, son of Abraham, son of Adam.

Uncle Ralph was able to speak and read German during WWII. While stationed in Germany, he spent the night with a female circus performer, “to watch over her tigers.”

Jon, do you ever remember dad telling about working in the hay mow and one of the brothers was to come up to help him?  Before the brother came up, he threw the pitch fork into the mow and it ended up stuck in the calf of dad’s leg.

They had a game of hide and seek in the basement consisting of hiding and then the seeker would heat up a nail red hot on the coal stove and with a pair of pliers start poking into the corners trying to find a body.

Grandpa [John] Gilliom and some of his friends used to play a game which involved drinking a laxative. The general idea was to see who could be the last man holding it, but they learned real quick it was a better trick to go in the bathroom first, lock the door, and hole up. We asked Alvin Gerber and Uncle Rog about it, but they denied involvement pretty quick.

The story of the liquid laxative is Gospel according to dad. He told me that story so many times that I know it is true. He laughed so hard when telling it. He got the biggest kick about someone wising up and going into the bathroom first and taking up stool space. I asked Rog about it a few years ago and he played totally stupid. He tried to pass it off as being dad and Alvin. I wish dad was alive to refresh some minds.

Grandpa John, Son of Orel and father of Nancy, Jon, and Rick.

The story of the mink in the tile is quite clear in my mind. Dad always told the story, but I heard it straight from Uncle Ralph. The boys saw a mink on the way to school and chased it into a tile. Someone guarded the tile and someone else went home for traps. Uncle Ralph was the master trapper. He exposed a trap at the entrance to the tile. The second trap was cleverly concealed behind the first. The mink later saw the first trap and jumped over it. The mink landed with both front feet in the concealed trap. The story was always told with Ralph being quite the hero.

At recess, some of the boys started chasing and teasing a skunk and ended up getting sprayed and sent home.

Jon, do you remember a bull dog we had (I think it might have been when we lived in Vera Cruz) and we tied it to the clothes line and he hung himself? I surely didn't dream that, did I?

No, it was not a dream. I hated that dog. I remember we had Pug at Raymond Miller's farm. He was given to us with pedigree papers and all. He was a registered Boston Terrier. He used to go out in the pig lot and eat pig shit and then throw up in the yard and on the side walk. I used to wear shorts in the summer and he would bite me. He would just break the skin, but would leave big bruises. Don't you remember it? He used to bite you too. I remember the time he was barking at the cows and the whole herd stampeded, after him. Do you remember that? We lived in Vera Cruz, when he was chained on the clothes line run and got tangled up and hung himself one night. I never shed a tear. I hate pug-nose dogs of any kind to this day.

John, Jon, Nancy, and Hazel Gilliom.

John had a maiden Aunt. Aunt Sarah. She was Grandma Gilliom's sister. She made her home with Grandma & Grandpa. Those of you who remember mom know she did not take criticism well and being ordered around by other people even worse. She wanted to call Jon, "Barry," and Aunt Sarah did not like the idea one bit. Mom said if it had to be John, at least she would spell it the way she wanted to. Hence, the "Jon."

Dad used to get pissed off that Grandma wanted to name him Barry. He hates that name. I imagine he's over it by now, because he hasn't mentioned it in about 20 years. Maybe it's just too sore a topic.

I was going through photos here and found an autobiography Uncle Jon wrote for a class in grade school. It was a fun read - he said when he grew up, he wanted to be a barber, "so I can meet a lot of new people in a well-ventilated shop.”

Q:  To all relation of Gilliom roots:  Are we French?  Folks think my last name is French??? Are we French ... Guys I have to know. It’s really been bothering me. Yes or no - is this true?

A:  No, we are not French. Basically we are Swiss. I think there was a French Grandmother somewhere back there but Grandma Gilliom and all the Aunts and Uncles spoke Swiss. Mom (Grandma Hazel) could not understand Swiss so when we were at Grandma's everyone would speak English.

"Gilliom" does sound French. Uncle Jon says we were based in Alsace-Lorraine for some years. Alsace-Lorraine went back and forth between German and French occupation. We could've picked up a French spelling of the name there. I'm not sure where all that fits in the timeline though.

My Experience Falling Through a Bathroom Ceiling

In high school, Saturdays meant speech and debate tournaments—equal parts competitive glory and chaotic downtime. After one meet, while waiting for awards, I wandered the host school with two teammates, Yoder and Baker. Naturally, we ended up in the men’s restroom. That’s where it all began.

We noticed the ceiling was made of those flimsy foam tiles in a metal grid—the kind that dares you to climb into it. So Yoder and I, driven by the brain rot only teenage boys possess, each hopped onto a toilet, popped a tile, and hoisted ourselves into the abyss.

The plan? Peek into the girls’ bathroom. The reality? Bullshit!

As soon as we got up there, voices exploded outside the door—an incoming crowd. Yoder bailed immediately. I, the bold (idiotic) one, stayed, shoving the panel back into place like some kind of espionage mole.

Inside the ceiling, I fumbled for a place to sit and found something that felt vaguely stable. Baker whispered that it was clear. Yoder said he'd check the hall. Just as I went to shift my weight—

CRACK.

My leg punched straight through the foam. I froze, heart pounding. Then came a chorus of snaps, and before I could scream, the ceiling disintegrated beneath me.

I fell through the ceiling like an angel cast from heaven—if that angel slammed into a toilet, pants up, surrounded by a blizzard of foam and shame. I landed perfectly seated, arms stinging, ass throbbing, with aluminum framing curling down like post-apocalyptic confetti.

Falling through the bathroom ceiling.

The stall door creaked open.

Baker stood there, tears streaming down his face from laughter. “Get up! We have to go!”

As I rose in pain, the toilet seat snapped in half and clattered to the floor like a final insult. I stepped out, covered in white dust, looking like a coke-dealing ghost in a suit and tie. Baker collapsed, wheezing. I checked the mirror. Long hair. White powder. Haunted eyes. I looked like a disgraced magician who'd lost a fight with drywall.

We bolted.

The hallway was packed. Turns out, a massive sports event had just let out. Yoder stood at a locker, faking a combination, trying not to pass out from laughter. When he saw me, powdery and limping, he dropped to the floor.

Back in the cafeteria, we entered the awards ceremony one by one to avoid suspicion. It didn’t work.

Yoder walked in first, beet-red and grinning like a lunatic. Baker followed, trembling with suppressed laughter. Then me—grim, broken, and clearly dusted in the residue of poor decisions. People asked what happened.

I said, “Nothing.”

Later, on the bus, we pieced it together.

Yoder had heard the crash from the hallway and peeked into the bathroom just in time to see a hole in the ceiling and a dust cloud straight out of a Michael Bay film. He quietly shut the door and slinked off like a CIA agent abandoning a failed op.

Baker had seen my leg burst through the tile and thought, oh no. Then he saw the rest of me come through like a human wrecking ball, arms flailing. When he opened the stall and saw me on the toilet like some dazed bathroom deity, he claims I mumbled, “My butt hurts,” before whispering, “We have to get out of here.”

And as I stood, the toilet seat gave up on life.

Somehow, we never got caught. Maybe they blamed the sports kids. Maybe they thought the ceiling spontaneously combusted. Either way, I never climbed into a ceiling again.

I learned my lesson.

And that lesson is: foam ceilings are a lie.

Addendum:  Supplement to My Experience Falling Through a Bathroom Ceiling. (I try employing A.I. to generate an image of me falling through the bathroom ceiling).

Cheap Video Reviews: The Adventures of Dr. Fu Manchu

The Adventures of Dr. Fu Manchu.

Suggeted Retail Price - $9.95. 
My Cost at the 99 Cent Only Store - 99 cents

The Adventures of Dr. Fu Manchu was a television series in the 1950s. Compared to the other 99 cent DVD selections, this was the only item that looked even slightly interesting.

The DVD includes 4 complete episodes:

1. The Death Ship of Dr. Fu Manchu
2. The Prisoner of Dr. Fu Manchu
3. The Master Plan of Dr. Fu Manchu      
4. The Golden God of Dr. Fu Manchu

Based on these four episodes, the premise of the series is that Dr. Fu Manchu heads a secret criminal society (who's "goal is chaos") which uses their illegally gained wealth to destroy civilization at an international level. One episode shows Dr. Fu Manchu pumping poison gas into an international peace meeting and another shows him trying to provoke a nuclear war between the East & the West.

When one character asks Dr. Fu Manchu, "What can you possibly gain by destroying all civilization as we know it?" Dr. Fu Manchu simply replies, "POWER!!"

Dr. Fu Manchu's inner-circle consists of Dr. Fu Manchu himself; Karamanch, his lovely assistant; and an exotic midget assistant and spy.

Dr. Fu Manchu.

Karamanch.

Evil assistant.

Each episode also involves protagonists Dr. John Petrie & his assistant and secretary, Betty Leonard. They work for a U.S. govt. organization and are supervised by, "Sir Dennis." They somehow always find themselves in the middle of a new Dr. Fu Manchu scheme.

Dr. Petrie & Betty Leonard.

In the history of television, I think it's rare to find a series with a villain as the lead character, and Dr. Fu Manchu is a true villain's villain. As crafty as he is wealthy, Dr. Fu Manchu injects his victims with "oriental tarantula venom" so they appear to have been killed by a spider. In one episode he implies that he is a "Doctor" of torture methods. His accent is great. At times it is completely unintelligible, but he still seems a devious genius. One episode refers to him as "the devil himself."

Each episode's opening credits depict Dr. Fu Manchu playing chess as a narrator discusses black and white in terms of good and evil. The narrator finally announces, "They say the devil plays with men's souls, so does Dr. Fu Manchu - Satan himself, evil incarnate" (which is pretty accurate, judging from the 4 episodes collected here).

Opening credits.

Episode 1: The Death Ship of Dr. Fu Manchu

Aside from Dr. Fu Manchu's inner-circle, this adventure involves another associate who I refer to as Saddam Hussein because he looks a lot like him.

This is a pretty straightforward episode. Dr. Fu Manchu is trying to smuggle germ warfare bacteria cultures around the world by injecting them into melons to sneak them through customs.

The nature of this particular bacteria is one that can only have been engineered in the United States and Dr. Fu Manchu hopes to undermine U.S. credibility by framing them as developers of illegal biological weapons.

Consulting with "Sadaam."

Injecting a melon with bacteria for smuggling purposes.

Space doesn't permit in-depth discussion, but skipping to the end of the episode, U.S. agents in white suits bust in on Saddam Hussein who is in the process of torturing a man next to the melon cargo. Backed into a corner, Sadaam holds up a melon and exclaims, "Do you know what's in this melon? Before you pull the trigger, I'll splatter it all over the room!"

In the struggle that ensues, many melons are broken. Saddam Hussein escapes to to Dr. Fu Manchu's layer and collapses on the floor, dying from exposure to the lethal bacteria cultures. Karamanch and the evil assistant are packing up files and evidence in the background as Dr. Fu Manchu torches the place before retreating. Later, gator.

Episode 2:  The Prisoner of Dr. Fu Manchu

The Prison of Dr. Fu Manchu.

This episode opens with a great hypnotism scene: Dr. Petrie's personal assistant, Betty Leonard, is somehow in Dr. Fu Manchu's layer with the evil assistant shining a flashing light in her face while Dr. Fu Manchu plants post hypnotic suggestions in her subconscious.

Apparently there is a huge international peace summit going on and Dr. Fu Manchu plans to plant a vial of poison in Betty's purse. When a prestigious international peace leader (pictured above) arrives, Betty is instructed to inject him with the poison, though she will consciously think it is medicine.

Dr. Fu Manchu's plot in this episode is simply to "disrupt the Conference of Nations."

After sending Betty on her way, Dr. Fu Manchu reflects on the unreliability of women and tells Karamanch, "If there is any weakness in my plan, it is because I have made use of a woman."
.

As events unfold, Betty does inject the peace leader with Dr. Fu Manchu's poison, but is stopped by authorities before injecting the entire vial, so half of the peace leader's body is paralyzed, but he is still alive.

Betty is taken in for psychological evaluation and we are treated to a great scene in which a government psychiatrist is putting her through some word association exercises. He says one word, then she says the first thing that pops into her head, so the conversation goes roughly something like:

Psychiatrist: "dog"

Betty: "cat"

Psychiatrist: "ample"

Betty: "Dr. Fu Manchu"

Psychiatrist: "Why did you say 'Dr. Fu Manchu'??"

Betty: "I don't know!!"

!!!

As the International Peace Conference resumes, we see that Dr. Fu Manchu has bugged the conference room and is secretly observing the proceedings on his home television set from the comfort of his criminal lair. Foiled this time, but already plotting for next time.

This episode is also notable for the head-massage scene between Karamanch and Dr. Fu Manchu.

Head massage.

Episode 3: The Master Plan of Dr. Fu Manchu

This episode was the most outrageous of the four. It begins with Dr. Fu Manchu's inner-circle watching movies in their criminal lair. As the camera moves to the movie screen, it is apparent they are watching movies about Adolf Hitler's 3rd Reich.

Watching Hitler movies.

Toward the end of their films (showing battalions of marching Nazis), Dr. Fu Manchu comments, "A great period in the history of the world. Perhaps the greatest. A man with a master plan to rule the world. Catastrophic that time ran out on him."

Karamanch: "What a pity the plan died with the man and was lost to the world."

Dr. Fu Manchu: "But it did not die with him, my Karamanch."

!!!

At first, I thought this scene was just to show that Dr. Fu Manchu was evil to the core, but as events unfold, we find out that Hitler's death was actually faked and Hitler been living in a secret lab for ten years studying atomic energy (with a huge portrait of himself hanging over his equipment).

Hitler portrait in secret lab.

Dr. Fu Manchu arranges the kidnapping of world famous plastic surgeon, Dr. Harlan Henderson (and it's hilarious to hear Dr. Fu Manchu try to pronounce the name). When Dr. Harlan Henderson discovers he is to give a plastic surgery makeover to Hitler, he totally loses it and exclaims, "You won't get away with this! My secretary knows where I am!" So Dr. Fu Manchu forces Dr. Henderson to call his secretary and tell her he's on a secret mission for the government and won't be back for a few days.

The secretary isn't suspicious at all and announces to Dr. Henderson's supervisor, "Dr. Henderson is on a secret mission for the government and will be gone for a few days."

The plastic surgery is a success, and the made-over Hitler is finally revealed:

The new Hitler.

The new Hitler is a pleasure to watch. He has a German accent and keeps working himself into a frenzy and yelling like he always did in his WWII era speeches.

Meanwhile, Dr. Petrie and Betty make their way to Dr. Fu Manchu's layer while attempting to locate Dr. Henderson (who's body has since been dumped in a river). They find Dr. Henderson's surgery room where they notice, "all the latest surgical equipment" and a copy of Mein Kampf.

The scene shifts to Hitler yelling, "Schnell! Schnell!" as a handful of Nazi soldiers enter the lab.
The end gets confusing, but basically, Hitler dies once and for all in an explosion while Dr. Fu Manchu escapes. One soldier comments that while Hitler, "stayed to fight...Dr. Fu Manchu started to show the [yellow?] streak that ran down his back".

Episode 4:  The Golden God of Dr. Fu Manchu

Dr. Fu Manchu uncovers a spy within his organization (named "Viciente"), who he is in the process of torturing while sharing how his organization is funded by selling arms and drugs. He also talks abou thow he, most recently, collided two trains together and heisted their cargo of solid gold.

Dr. Fu Manchu states, "You've been anxious to cast your eyes on my Gold, so you shall" and then sticks a pair of tongs into an oven and removes a newly minted red hot gold bar which he then presses against Viciente's forehead.

Torturing Viciente.

Branding Viciente.

I dozed off towards the end of this episode, but two other things did catch my attention:

1. A U.S. agent throws a cigarette butt on the ground and then a Chinese dock worker picks it up and finishes smoking it.

2. Dr. Fu Manchu talking to one of his cronies (Mr. Morgan):

   Dr. Fu Manchu: Your friends may die laughing at your humor, but I think I prefer just the reverse reaction."

   Mr. Morgan: "I didn't know you were so touchy."

   Dr. Fu Manchu: "I am very touchy, Mr. Morgan."

I thought it was pretty honest of him to admit that.

At the end of each episode, when Dr. Fu Manchu is thwarted, they play stock footage of him picking up a black piece from his chessboard, breaking it in half (with a strained but determined look on his face), and tossing the two pieces down on the board.

Overall, The Adventures of Dr. Fu Manchu - 4 Full-Length Episodes is well worth 99 cents.

[ Reviewed November, 2005. ]

The Metal John

Do you ever look back on your high school days and think of a particular spot that holds special memories for you? For me and my friends, that spot was a restroom that we called "the metal john." "Metal" refers to the heavy metal music that we loved, while "john" is a slang term for restroom.

The Metal John was a popular spot for us to hang out before, after, between, or during classes. It was located at the top of a flight of stairs. The walls contained almost no graffiti at all.

We would spend time in there each day talking shit. At one point we made up an opera called “King of the Urinal” which included the line, "I'm the king of the urinal/Hear my flush/Fear my flush". Those small moments of connection and laughter helped us get through the day.

King of the Urinal opera.

The Metal John was always treated with respect. Unlike other bathrooms we frequented, it was never damaged or vandalized in any way.

The Metal John might not have been a typical hangout spot, but it was our spot, and it will always hold a special place in my heart.

Packing the urinals.

So here's to "the metal john": a humble restroom that brought joy and laughter to many of us during our high school days.