The Originals at Rest

A rare photo of all three of the original Originals sharing a bed.

Front to back: Stanley Wood, Machete, and Tiggi.

The original Originals.

Library Answer Line

I used to staff the library answer line.

I was moderately helpful.

Library Answer Line.

Found: Hey, Bitch"

"Hey, Bitch."

Juggernaut

My first memorable car was affectionately nicknamed The Juggernaut.

It was a massive, nearly indestructible beast that had somehow been driven by a tiny old lady since the 1970s.

The car was undeniably badass, and I loved driving it.

The Juggernaut.

One other notable feature of The Juggernaut was the top of its front windshield. It must’ve leaked at some point, because there was a thick line of yellowed foam sealant running across the top, held together with a generous amount of duct tape.

This detail is clearly visible in a photo of James A. and me going through the McDonald’s drive-thru—James wearing a rubber Man-at-Arms mask from Masters of the Universe.

Taking the Juggernaut to McDonalds, late 1980s.

Cover of Hardcore Magazine

Me, on the cover of Hardcore magazine:

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Dec. 7, 2005]

Found Art

Found drawn on a computer mouse pad in a public library. I think it was drawn with an eraser.

Portrait in eraser on computer mouse pad.

Cheating at the Pinewood Derby

The only things I really remember from my short time in Cub Scouts are dressing as a monkey for a play, answering “dandelion” when they asked for flower names (and getting laughed at), and the pinewood derby.

For the derby, you got a block of wood and some wheels to make a car and raced it downhill. My dad, still drinking back then, was very into it. One Saturday night, while I was watching SNL, he was in the basement melting lead fishing sinkers with a few beers. He drilled holes in the front of my car, poured in the molten lead to make it heavier, sealed the holes with wood putty, and painted them yellow like headlights. When that looked too obvious, he slathered the whole front of the car in thick yellow paint.

I got the date of the race wrong and missed it, which turned out to be a blessing. Another kid told me they weighed the cars, so my lead-filled masterpiece would’ve gotten me busted and humiliated.

Between that and “dandelion,” Cub Scouts was not my shining moment.

Vegas Pill Dispenser

Souvenir from Vegas, for all my pills.

Pill organizer.

"Martha Stewart: Apprentice", Week 3 Synopsis

Tonight's episode began with Matchstick (the "Creative" team) talking among themselves about how much they hate Dawn and want her to go home.

When the team observed Dawn & Jim return to the suite, both having survived last week's conference room firing; one team member commented, "I want to throw up,” because, ideally, at least one of the two would have been fired. After returning to the suite, Jim learned his wife had just given birth to a baby girl.

In the morning, Martha called the teams directly from her horse stable. She asked the team, "Just waking up? I've been up for HOURS" (as if she had been personally shoveling horseshit for 5 hours).

This week's task was to design, bake, and sell a wedding cake at a "Wedding Expo." Martha mentioned the wedding industry brings in $72 billion per year and generously allowed the teams to thumb through back issues of Martha Stewart - Weddings magazines for inspiration.

Matchstick team leader Shawn (the short-haired newscaster girl) was so confident, she told George Wannabe (second in charge, after Martha Stewart herself), "If we don't win this one, you can fire me personally".  George Wannabe seemed seriously concerned about this rash comment.  He confided to the camera that Shawn was, "boisterous".

Over at Primarius (the "Corporate" team), team leader Howie reprimanded his team when they complained he sent them to an Asian wedding store. "That's Bullshit!!!! blah-blah-blah-blah!!!!!"

["Bullshit" was censored by the network, but you could read his lips].

None of Howie’s team mates had ever seen him become that upset before and they were all relieved when he eventually calmed down and began hugging people instead of screaming at them.

Primarius was working late into the evening and the team members were all exhausted when they were paid a surprise visit by Martha Stewart's daughter, Alexis. 

Primarius claims the visit from Alexis, "lifted our spirits" because they enjoyed asking her questions about what it was like being Martha's daughter.

The next morning, Matchstick were so proud of their cake, they were practically screaming with glee. Team member Shawn hated the cake though. She hated everything about it, but mostly that it had a bow on it. She sulked all through the Wedding Expo and throughout the rest of the show.

There was a disgusting clip of Jim and David talking in the bathroom, strategizing in their underwear while David was trimming his facial hair - not good TV.

When all was said and done, Primarius (the "Corporate" team) sold 5 cakes while Matchstick (the "Creative" team) sold ZERO.  Martha asked Alexis to bring her back a piece of each team's cake so she could personally sample them.

After sampling the cakes, Martha commented, "It tastes homemade and that's what you want to go for in a cake".

As soon as she said this, Jim nodded excessively with fake enthusiasm, very unconvincingly.  If he was trying to communicate that he felt exactly the same way, that's not how it came off. It came off as impulsive, insecure kiss-assery.

Martha shook her head at the Matchstick team for losing all 3 weeks in a row and commented that the Corporate group is, "demolishing the Creative group." Matchstick should be ashamed of themselves.

Primarius' reward for winning was to have desert with Donald Trump and his wife. Martha called Trump personally on his cellphone during desert and Trump told her, "You have a real attractive group of winners here."

Then Trump asked if any of them would like to work for him (implying "instead of Martha") and they all yelled, "YES!" except for one girl who developed a very sour expression on her face.

The conference room scene was advertised in the commercials as "A Conference Room Twist" and it really was! After the usual nonsense, everyone was sent back to the suite except three members who were singled out. Martha and George Wannabe decided that everyone should be called back into the boardroom though. Their reasoning was that it wasn't the cake's fault nobody bought it and they wanted to fire one of the sales staff. I think the secret reason was because they wanted to fire Shawn for being boisterous earlier.

They asked Shawn why she said they could fire her if Matchstick lost and Shawn said that in the TV business where she works as a newscaster, everybody always says "Fake it 'til you make it" when they can't remember their lines.

Martha countered with, "I've been on TV for 12 years and I've NEVER said, 'Fake it 'til you make it'!!"

She then promptly fired Shawn for endorsing the slogan, "Fake it 'til you make it," as well as for being generally boisterous.

Martha still hasn't developed a catch phrase when she fires people (she probably didn't want to pay Donald Trump to say, "You're Fired" since he copyrighted it). Tonight she said, "I wish you well, but I have to say goodbye." Then she rolled her eyes as the team left the conference room.

Snippet from her goodbye letter to Shawn - "At Martha Stewart Living, everything we do has to be beautiful on the inside and out, just like the wedding cake".

The previews for next week look even better than this week's "Conference Room Twist".  The phrase for next week is, "One Team Won't Even Finish"!!!  I bet it's Matchstick again.

[ Source:  Real World…Blogger Style! - October 6, 2005 ]

Alice Chandler

OC's first female deputy, Alice Chandler: Then & Now (1940s/2000s).

Alice with her portrait by William Mortensen.

Jon Sr.

I talked to my dad, Jon Sr. (or “Uncle Jon” to all the cousins), and it sounds like spring fever has officially hit Alaska. He just repurposed an old golf club bag into a custom “gun bag,” modifying it to carry his rifles and shotguns—including his oversized bear gun. The plan is to mount it to the side of his snowmobile for hunting trips.

On a lighter note, I once came across an artist’s rendering of what Elvis might’ve looked like in his 50s. The resemblance to Jon Sr. was uncanny.

Jon Sr. dip-netting Hooligan in 1998.

Elvis in his 50s.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Apr. 26, 2005]

Dick the Bruiser

Dick the Bruiser was a famous regional wrestler in the late 1970s and early 1980s, before the WWF bought out all the regional wrestling districts and brought them under one corporate umbrella.

As Hulk Hogan began appearing everywhere, the old-timers, like Dick the Bruiser, were relegated to wrestling in small-town high school gyms.

That’s how we had the chance to meet him in the late 1980s:

Meeting the legendary Dick the Bruiser.

Dick the Bruiser was a huge deal in the Midwest, and it was both a mixed blessing and a tragedy to see him wrestling in a small Indiana high school gym after the WWF effectively left him jobless.

Gilliomville Message Board commentary on Dick the Bruiser:

Remember when we went to that wrastlin' match at the Fort Wayne Coliseum when we were little kids? That was when Dick the Bruiser was a regional celebrity and his fights were still on TV, right before WWF took over everything.

I remember during one of the matches, someone tried to sneak a blackjack into the ring. I had never even heard of one before. Uncles Jon and Rick had to explain what it was. It was a few years later before I figured out the whole thing was part of the show. 

It was Dick the Bruiser that got smacked with the blackjack. After the show the fans just swarmed him, and we got close enough to Dick the Bruiser to see these little marks the blackjack left all over him. That made me think it was real. 

There was also a guy carrying around a HUGE bone. That was Leon Redbone! He'd jump of the corner rungs and smack people with that big bone. Then a guy from the audience went after Leon's red bone. I thought he was an old man, and I remember him kind of hunched forward pointing, and he kept saying, "He's got the stick. He's got the stick." I'm not sure that was part of the show or not. 
In the late 1980s, Dick the Bruiser was still wrestling, but the show was in our high school gymnasium, instead of on TV. In the heyday of professional wrestling, poor Bruiser was wrestling at high schools! It makes me sick. 

Hulk Hogan ruined Dick the Bruiser. But still, I bet he could have joined on with WWF if he would have wanted to. Why do you think he didn't? 

About 5 years ago I was reading an interview with some old wrestler who was doing a guest referee stint for the WWF. An interviewer asked him, "What was the worst thing you had to smell during your career as a professional wrestler?" His answer: "Dick the Bruiser". I thought that was a pretty strong statement considering I hadn't seen Dick the Bruiser's name in print since I was a kid at one of his shows. Then here's this old timer who'd seen it all and the worst thing he'd smelled was Dick the Bruiser? Come on! I think he had it in for him. He couldn't have smelt THAT bad! 

I just heard a great story about Dick the Bruiser. The Bruiser lived in a pretty nice neighborhood and liked to stir things up. Sometimes when he came home drunk, he liked to put on one of his wife's dresses and wigs and get on his motorcycle and tear through people's yards in the middle of the night. Supposedly, no one ever complained or called the police. Maybe the skid marks Dick left on people's sidewalks added to the value of their property. 

Quote from Céline

whenever they get a chance, never fear, people make you waste hours and months ... they use you as a wall to bounce their bullshit off of ... blah! and blah! and blahblahblah! ... you put up with it for an hour, you'll need two weeks to recover ... blah! blah!                                          

   - Louis-Ferdinand Céline, North

G-ville Message Board Posts

[Compiled from Gilliomville message board posts, contributed by various Gillioms and Franks]:

A perfect Gilliom birthday would involve blowing up the microwave while cooking something.

Here is the rules from now on:

1. No Wild Turkey before posting on Gilliomville.
2. Watch what you say because everyone is reading.
3. Get plenty of sleep on work nights.
4. Eat right.
5. Exercise often.
6. Vote.

I miss mooning people, it's been too long.

Boy, the women just can't stand it when we're happy, can they?

Todd, I had no idea you were so informed on pine trees!!

I want to get to the point to where I could punch out a mean dog.
Then I could walk around pretty confidently.

Looking back through my life, it sure seems like the people who are quick to tell you they have it all figured out, sure fall hard.

I can't believe I took my yard for granted for so many years. It's the only thing in my life I have control over.

In 1990, I shot Brian Clark in the arm. The B.B was surgically removed from his Deltoid.

While cleaning and organizing the house, we came across a whole bunch of useless keys. We tossed them all into one container. Now, as a joke, when we have guests and we just don't want them to leave, we're going to toss their keys into that container; then they'll have to sort through them all to find the correct one. It won't be funny if it happens to you, so make sure you know your keys before visiting.

When we lived out at the lake, Dad taught me and Todd how to tape firecrackers and sparklers to arrows, light the fuses, then shoot the arrow really high up in the air where it would explode. That was really fun. I would also emulate a panel from a Green Arrow comic and lay on my back, holding the bow up with my feet. You could pull the string back really far with both hands and your full body weight. The arrow would go so far up in the sky, you would lose sight of it.

Jonnie, tell me if this brings back memories:  I was looking at my senior yearbook and you wrote, "Well, I might not be finishing up my senior year with you if this whole fire alarm thing doesn't blow over." Those were some wild times.

I remember Dad being really worried that they wanted to kick Jonnie out of school and he couldn’t afford a lawyer.

The bathroom in the Craigville house had a door that led to the roof of the garage. One day, Adam got out on the roof and jumped off. It was like jumping off of a one story house and it didn't even phase him. Abby has told me she remembers jumping off also.

Dead Kennedys

The Dead Kennedys at the Observatory, Santa Ana, CA; Sep., 2012.
Orangecounty.com featured a photo of me head banging in the front row.

The Dead Kennedys show.

Why Must God Damn It?

Why?

In the late 1980s, I found this Christian anti-swearing pamphlet somewhere in Fort Wayne, Indiana. It was written by Pastor Jabaay and was #208 in the Silent Evangelist series.

I used to have it posted on my bulletin board in high school, and I've kept it with me ever since. It’s a little hard to believe I still have it today.

I’ve always thought it had a great cover design.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Dec. 21, 2005]

Webcam Memories

A couple of screen shots from my short-lived webcam thing through The Real World...Bloger Style! during my Hulk Hands phase.

Hello, World.

Hulk Hands Charge.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Feb. 14, 2005]

Time Saving Tips #1

Clip your fingernails at work.
This will free up more leisure time later at home.

Glad to be helpful, there is no need to pay me.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Feb. 26, 2006]

Zonkboard Comics

For awhile, at The Real World...Blogger Style!, we'd make these online comics using text from our real zonkboard conversations:

Example Zonkboard comic.

Stump Removal

It's amazing that Jon Sr.'s property used to look like this:

Todd & Amanda, pre-clear cutting.

Because, now it looks like this:

Post-clear cutting.

And what's the point of having an isolated Alaskan cabin if you don't have a great view?

Once enough trees were cleared, the addition of a gravel driveway made everything look downright civilized:

Uncle Jon's driveway.

After the trees were dealt with, there was still a lot of stump removal, which was probably my favorite task:

Step 1: Chainsaw the roots:

Jon Sr. chainsawing through the tundra.

Step 2: Tie chain to stump:

Step 3: Tie chain to truck & drive:

The stump pops right out, like pulling a tooth, with a satisfying, "craaaack - pop" sound.

The property is pretty much ready, Jon Sr.'s well and septic tank are in place (sidenote: the well site was discovered when a former Salvation Army preacher walked over the property with a dowsing wand). Once the garage/workshop is finished, it'll be time to start building a cabin. No electricity or phone yet, but there is a generator, so he can run his power tools. 

Apparently, extending the phone and power lines a few more poles costs several thousand dollars out there. The custom is to wait until 3 or 4 people all decide they want power, then they all share the cost.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Sep. 10, 2005]