Dackel Races

 Dachsund races at Old World Village, Huntington Beach.

Me w/ Dackel Races sign.

Dackel.

[Originally posted on JS Blog, July 11, 2006]

Patriot Haircut

If anybody remembers the World of Warriors gun shop photo I posted last summer, you might recall the next door barbershop with a giant American flag painted on their storefront. Well, later that summer, the barbershop's owner also gave a patriotic makeovers to the parking berms directly in front of his shop as well. I kind of like that he goes all out like that. It's like some people with their Christmas decorations.

Patriot Haircuts.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, May 9, 2006]

Just the Good Stuff

A list of last lines from bawdy limericks.

So the town never sleeps after dark.

Fuck after fuck after fuck?

For after he fucked her, he ate her

Like Father John's thumb after mass

And the other we'll try after marriage.

One fore, and one aft, and one oral

And the general effect was quite lovely.

He went out in the yard and ate dung

For the thing she called "Utterly-utta!"

In the archiepiscopal pants.

His nose out of private affairs.

Again, and again, and again

Won't you do it again, Sir? Bis! Bis!

Against pinches, and pins in the ass."

And fell down again from the smell.

And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.

And now she is just a plain whore again.

For I certainly don't want to sin again.

And I do it again and again.

And ate up the whole afterbirth.

The scent-ah, that was a failure

Ah, you're changing the t to a p!

Is the squid that I keep in the sink

Or a goat, or whatever is handy

With the aid of his constable's truncheon

He rogered the national School.

And other odd mammals

Now ain't this a hell of a fug!

Ain't that foresight for ya?

Said she, You mean that ain't your finger?

But that ain't my prick-it's a spike.

If you've slept with that sonofabitch again

I'm surprised that by now they ain't mamas.

Ain't it grand and realistic!

But I don't feel as good as I did

This ain't a cunt-it's a corridor

With his backside awave in the air

It shot off in the air like a rocket

And was washed down the aisle on the froth

The arse on our parson needs fixin

But alas he was only a eunuch

Felt dear Alfred's delicious arse wriggle

And they promptly refunded his stub

And all he could shit was spaghetti

For all he had left was the skin

And bought her a chastity girdle

And now all her sisters are aunts

For which all her lovers may thank her

All got clap in their hindermost region

And framed, within miniature cunts

The waiters were all hanging low

And the doctors all fainted away

And the worst is, they all do it well

And dived in all covered with drool

To all but the spermatozoa

That he soon had her cunt all asmokin

(From a scholarly lexiconography paper discovered by Brother Todd).

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Apr. 29, 2006]

J Spot

Guess what this is -

My favorite parking spot in Von's supermarket parking lot has been memorialized.

I drive over to Von's every morning at about 5:45 a.m. and park there all day while I ride the bus to work. I'm gone for roughly twelve hours (8.5 working and 3.5 commuting both ways), then I drive back home.

Apparently they re-surfaced the parking lot on Tuesday and, since I wasn't around to move my car, they had to pave around it, leaving a huge unpaved spot, memorializing my favorite parking space.

I think it's cool.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Apr. 27, 2006]

Review of CONTENT by Ross

My cousin Jonnie has always been one step ahead of the rest of us.  It becomes even more obvious after reading his new book that he's been on the cutting edge of human existence since early childhood.....heck probably straight from the womb.

As a kid he always wore short pants under his jeans in case he got hot or had an opportunity to go for an impromptu swim.  After getting hit by a train as an adult, he skipped his last doctor's appointment and pulled the staples out of his head with a pair of pliers.

Any minor discrepancies in Mr. Gilliom's story telling, such as the reference to Coleman fuel as kerosene, are easily overlooked and you'll end up telling yourself the same thing one of the Delta Tau Chai fraternity brother's said in Animal House after John Belushi's character "Bluto" referred to the German's bombing Pearl Harbor.  Shut up he's on roll..... 

Furthermore

By Donald Kilbuck

The Introduction for the book! Real or reel! You may feel this introduction for all the feelings that people have, has, fast, faster, motions may feel motionless, butt the earth may swallow you up if you're not all there. The stink of whatever, if you wear it. Although i got the tide, tightrobe, out into this Island and feel the changing weather, and the emotions may catch all your feelings, vomit isn't all what it seems. Getting a speeding ticket also.

Rock On

Message inscribed in cement, I forget where.

Rock on, rockers.

"Rock and Roll will never die."

Like Mayflies on a Summer Night: Ephemera and the Hardcore

Jonnie, an introduction

by AmyJo

Ephemera:

1: something transitory; lasting a day

2: an insect that lives only for a day in its winged form, i.e. a mayfly

3: A short-lived thing.

4: Printed matter of passing interest.

Hardcore:

1. a form of music with hard fast delivery.

simple and effective sounds, mainly focussed [sic] on a message. message is ussually [sic] unity, anarky, [sic] strength or public power.

2. HARDCORE is the limit, it is the core of cool things! It is the mother of things!

(1 &2. source, the Urban Dictionary)

hard-core also hard·core (härdkôr, -kr)
adj.

1. Intensely loyal; die-hard: a hard-core secessionist; a hard-core golfer.
2. Stubbornly resistant to improvement or change: hard-core poverty.
3. Extremely graphic or explicit: hard-core pornography.

In the pages that follow we see what happens when an archivist with absurdist tendencies catalogues the minutiae of daily existence.  But Jonnie is no nebbish, collecting facts and sticking them like boogers to the page.  Here are no dull recitations of the collector, no dry scraps preserved in a vacuum.  Rather we find a compendium at once familiar and revelatory—incidents, memories, processes, encounters—that reveal the texture both of everyday life, and the mind of their chronicler—a texture that is not unlike the orange dust that clings to your fingers after eating a bag of Cheetos—sticky, flavorful, impossible to get out from under your nails.

In Jonnie 7-11’s book you will discover the intersection of the ephemeral and the hardcore.  One might assume that these two qualities are contradictory, but in Jonnie’s work the paradox reveals a space where life itself is illuminated with uncommon intensity. 

There is no doubt that Jonnie is hardcore.  From early childhood to his fully-fledged manhood, Jonnie has exhibited the balls-to-the-wall willingness to explore the world as it is and to interact with what’s right there in front of him. Whether he is breaking rocks for eight hours a day , practicing mole removal with ordinary nail clippers, conducting experiments by micturating into his own visage, chasing Amish buggies or freight trains, encountering day laborers, his Liebling, archivists, bloggers, landlords, esquimaux, drunks, golfers or schizophrenics, Jonnie does not shrink from experience.  No subject, no matter how mundane, no person, no matter how crazy, escapes his notice.  As Jonnie himself professes, he has an affection for stupidity.

At first glance this book might seem like a compendium of ephemera—disconnected and utterly without point.  Jonnie himself calls his blog (from which these entries were drawn) “a place to store my stuff”.  However, taken all together, what emerges in these pages is, for me at least, truly rare.   Behind the fork fangs and the hulk hands and the pirate salute is a person who strikes me as kind and intelligent and imaginative and wise. 

Read between the lines of his anecdotes and the ephemera he presents will remind you that life—fleeting, ordinary life—can be exciting and fun.  This is a powerful thing to do.  On the surface his anecdotes and craft projects are hilarious—but after continued exposure they become—absurdly-- uplifting.

Jonnie first came to me by reputation, as the librettist and chief tenor of his dadaist masterpiece, The Toilet Opera.  His aria “hear my flush, fear my flush”, even at secondhand, is unforgettable.  On the basis of that single exuberant couplet, I concluded that Jonnie Gilliom was a man whose hand I’d be proud to shake (after we both washed, of course). 

Nearly ten years later, Boz, Jonnie and I gathered online and audio-blogged  excerpts from “Bat Out of Hell”.  I was grieving the suicide of a dear friend and laid up in bed with a broken ankle.  My family were all far away.  So were my friends.  But online, the three of us had what I will always consider a wake.  Jonnie didn’t speak any traditional words of sympathy. Sentimentality isn’t his style. But he sang Meatloaf  into a pillow while wearing a Frankenstein mask, baying into the phone in his signature tuneless Frank Zappa voice and , four hundred miles away, I laughed until I cried.   

I don’t know if he even remembers that night, and it doesn’t matter.  At a time when I couldn’t be consoled, that evening—three dorks screaming songs into the phone and zonking about Meatloaf—helped me get through a really bad night.  To me, that is Jonnie.  I don’t know how he does it, but he makes me feel that life is good. 

I have been following Jonnie’s work on the web for almost three years now, and over the course of that time his writing has captivated me, instructed me, comforted me, and won my respect.

So settle in.  Let Jonnie teach you the deeper meaning of what it is to be hardcore. Embrace the ephemeral with courage and humor.  Let this book remind you that, somewhere out there in the flickering light of the Del Taco sign, under the swaying palm trees of the OC, a man with a vision cares enough to write about those ephemeral moments that are born and pass away like mayflies on a summer night—brief, beautiful, pointless, and profound.

Book of Lists #2

13 things I've learned from reading The Book of Lists #2 (1980):

1. Clark Gable would have been 80 years old if he had lived until 1981 (p. 1).

2. Breakfast cereals, once considered "junk foods" in 1980, are now often seen as healthy (p. 381).

3. Bob Dylan's forgettable Blonde on Blonde was ranked the second greatest album of all time by rock critics in 1978 (p. 164).

4. There is a street named "Nameless Street" in Manning, Iowa (p. 44).

5. An unpainted wooden stake lasts 1-4 years before disintegrating, while a painted one lasts 13 years (p. 245)!

6. "Gorgias of Epirus was born during the funeral of his mother. The pallbearers were shocked to hear unexpected crying and opened the coffin to discover Gorgias, who had slipped out of the womb and was very much alive" (p. 259).

7. In 1890, Leventon & Co. sold 180,000 Egyptian mummified cats from a burial ground near Beni Hasaan for 3.15 shillings per ton (p. 276).

8. A Picture is worth a thousand words - "The American Society of Magazine Photographers reported the base rate for a full-page photo was $75 for black-and-white, $150 for color. However, an illustration was much more expensive. Playboy paid $800 for a full-page color illustration, while its article rate was about 40 cents per word. On this scale, a picture would be worth 2,000 words (p. 142).

9. Nome, Alaska, was accidentally named after the word "name" miscopied from a British map in 1850 (p. 135).

10. For a 1977 Laugh-In skit, censors insisted the phrase "Don't forget to take your pill" be replaced with "Be careful" because the network objected to the implication that women plan in advance to have sex  (p. 205).

11. Joseph Heller’s Catch-22 was originally going to be titled Catch-18 (p. 229).

12. The Postman Always Rings Twice was originally going to be titled Bar-B-Q 

(p. 228).

13. "The giant squid is the most highly developed of the invertebrates. Its eyes are almost exact replicas of human eyes. Often confused with the octopus, which attacks humans only when threatened, the giant squid is a carnivorous predator. One notable incident occurred on March 25, 1941, when the British ship Britannia sank in the Atlantic Ocean. As a dozen survivors clung to their lifeboat, a giant squid reached its arm around the body of a man and pulled him below"(p. 109).

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Apr. 14, 2006]

Found: On the Floor

One thing I've learned from hanging around with Donald Kilbuck is to look at the ground a lot because people are always dropping money. Donald has always had a knack for spotting lost money on the ground, it really is uncanny. I, on the other hand, rarely find money and I have not found any money at all on the ground at my current workplace. Not even once.

I've only found two vaguely interesting things:

1. A mysterious post-it note:

The text reads:

       A peacock

       feather adds 

       elegance & pulls

       all the colors in 

       this project together.

2. A mysterious drawing:

Mysterious drawing.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Mar. 21, 2006]

Cheap Video Reviews: Hot Rod Girl

Hot Rod Girl/T-Bird Gang.

Hot Rod Girl is one half of a dollar double feature DVD that Boz sent to me as a gift. I tried to watch both films on the DVD and the other film, T-Bird Gang, was underwhelming I actually fell asleep during that one. But Hot Rod Girl is a different story.

Hot Rod Girl, Miss Lisa Vernon.

It starts with a bang at the drag strip where Miss Lisa Vernon is hauling toward the finish line in her T-Bird before the opening credits have even finished rolling. The announcer confirms she has won yet another race.

Far from your typical crazed street-racer, Lisa Vernon is actually an All-American girl, as wholesome as they come. And it turns out, all the good kids in this town get their kicks at the drag strip, rather than terrorizing the public streets. But guess what? The public is clueless and is pressuring the city council to shut the strip down!

The hot rod gang.

After the race, we meet Lisa's crew, Steve, Flat-Top, and her responsible boyfriend, Jeff.

Oh! And in the background for just a few seconds – blink and you’ll miss it - a car rolls by with 666 painted on the door! Spooky!

666.

They're all planning to hit up Yo-Yo’s, the local teen hangout; but Steve, the youngest hot rodder, is stuck at home because his hot rod hating Aunt Sarah has him on lockdown. Aunt Sarah is basically a human speed bump in Steve’s life.

Jeff: "How about you, Steve?"

Steve: "Gee, I'd love to....but every time I come to the strip, Aunt Sarah puts a stopwatch on me...I'll be glad when I'm old enough to move in with you. She's strictly horse & buggy. She doesn't dig hot rods at all!"

The older gearheads chuckle affectionately. Then Jeff agrees to ride with Steve to diagnose a troublesome engine noise.

Anti-drag racing poster.

Now we meet the hot-rodders' friend, Ben. Ben is a little older, wears a suit and a hat, and is in a position of some authority with the local police force. Ben is at his city councilman's office discussing the drag-strip. Teen hot-rodding is public enemy #1 in this town and the city councilman’s whole office is basically a shrine to automobile accidents, including a huge poster of a horrible car accident on his office wall!

Councilman: "I've seen too much!"

Ben: "If you come out to the strip & get to know the kids..."

Councilman: "No thanks! That's your headache!!"

Long story short, Ben's trying to keep the strip alive, arguing that it keeps the kids off the streets. After some persuasion, the councilman reluctantly agrees.

Next, we’re cruising around town with Jeff & Steve. Jeff doesn't hear the engine sound Steve was complaining about.

Steve: "If I could really open it up..."

Then Jeff gets VERY serious and interjects, "At the racetrack!" Jeff is the voice of reason.

Steve starts in about his Aunt Sarah again - "Living with her is like driving with your breaks on!...Slow down!...Stop!...That's the story of my life!"

"Who's this squirrel?"

Jeff advises Steve to just cool it until he's old enough to move out,.

And then, out of nowhere, a blond Eddie Haskell lookalike pulls up next to them, revving his engine like a madman. Steve calls him a squirrel, and this dude lives up to it, weaving, laughing, and generally being a jackass. The stranger continues to gawk at them, revving his engine and laughing. It's a pretty funny scene.

Jeff advises, "Ignore him, Steve...Play it smart! He's looking for trouble - disappoint him."

Road rage.

Jeff stays cool, but Steve begins to lose his.

But then, things take a wild turn. The squirrel driver backs into their car – twice – at a stop sign, all while cackling like a maniac! Who even does that?

That's it, Steve's had enough, and it's road rage o'clock. They crash, and Steve doesn't make it. Jeff's in pieces, the councilman calls the car a 'hopped-up death trap,' and the whole town goes apeshit.

Sadness.

Yo-Yo's.

The scene shifts to Yo-Yo's some time later. Everyone is there, but guess what? Jeff is missing in action. The opening segment of this scene is pretty hilarious and cannot be captured in still screen captures. It's showing close-ups of the kids' ecstatic faces as they blissfully listen to jazz records. It's the funniest part of the movie, in my opinion.

Lisa is the only one still talking about the drag strip since Jim has withdrawn into work.

Lisa: "You know, if they close the strip, the next step will be to outlaw all hot rods."

Flat-Top: "Aww...so let 'em, if it'll make the squares happy."

"LP" and her man.

Next, we meet LP, which is short for Long-Playing Record. Because she talks a lot.

LP: "They wouldn't dare! My whole wardrobe is designed around the drag strip!"

Nobody takes LP seriously. Whenever she talks too much, they're all like, "Oh, LP! Flip the record!"

They discuss Jeff's absence. LP, who is apparently promiscuous, suggests she could probably get him back.

LP: "People respond to me in a different way than they do to normal girls."

The discussion turns to illegal non-strip racing and Lisa walks out on everybody and chaos ensues.

Flat-Top, feeling a little squirrely without Jeff's sober presence, hands Yo-Yo a Canadian dime! Yo-Yo's like, 'Hey, this is a Canadian dime!' And Flat-Top's comeback? 'So? Take a trip!' Classic Flat-Top.

Now, we're in Jeff's garage, and he's burning the midnight oil as a mechanic.

Jeff's boss: "You're looking tired, Jeff."

Jeff: "I like being tired."

Jeff's boss: "Yeah, I know."

"Do you think it's easy for me to come here?"

But hold up, this melodrama's interrupted when Lisa makes an entrance, determined to crack Jeff's shell.

She hits him with, 'Don't you think I have my pride? Do you think it's easy for me to come here?'

Jeff finally explains he feels responsible for Steve's death because he's the one who souped up Steve's car for him.

Jeff: "Every time I open the hood of a car and see the engine, I think of the engine I built for him!"

Lisa: "Trying to kill yourself with work isn't going to bring him back!"

Lisa warns Jeff that Flat-Top and the other kids "are starting to act up" without his guidance, but Jeff just can't deal with that right now.

Talbot.

Now, meet Talbot, the new guy in town with an ear-piercing engine. He's all over Lisa, but she's not having any of it.

Talbot: "They told me this was a friendly town."

Lisa: "I'm the exception."

As Talbot leaves Yo-Yo's, he declares, 'When I get my coffee pot perkin’, maybe I can teach some of you cats a lesson!' Confidence level: through the roof.

Lisa, Judy, & Flat-Top talking shit.

Talbot fancies himself a great driver, but he doesn't take good care of his car at all. 

When he talks to Jeff at the garage, he affirms, "I'm here for service, not a sermon! It's my heap and I'll do with it as I please!"

Back at Yo-Yo's, Talbot pulls the ultimate party foul – he unplugs the jukebox, killing everyone's tunes and losing their credits, just so he can talk. What a dick.

But wait, Jeff makes his grand entrance! He tells Yo-Yo, 'No trouble, just music.' Ah, sweet reunion.

Feeling pressured, Talbot just flat-out challenges the whole gang to a game of chicken.

Yo-Yo, the owner of Yo-Yo’s, looks to the sky and asks the gods, "Why do I have to run a hangout for lunatics?"

"I don't want trouble...just music."

The "Chicken" scene is excellent! All the onlookers are tense as hell as Talbot and Flat-Top take their positions. 

Everyone's on edge as Talbot and Flat-Top line up. They come barreling down the road, head-on, and the first to chicken out loses.

 Spoiler alert: Flat-Top blinks, and Talbot declares them all 'chickens.'  

Everyone is a chicken except for Talbot.

Talbot at the wheel.

Flat-Top at the other wheel.

Later, Flat-Top's girl makes him swear off chicken for life. 

LP chimes in with her dramatic flair, 'Exciting! Too exciting for me!! Imagine! Too exciting for ME??!!!'

Then Ben swoops in to chew them all out: 'One more hot rod accident, and you ALL lose your licenses!' The stakes are high.

Make-Up Scene - 

Lisa's & Jeff's make-up scene.

Now, get ready for some romance. Jeff and Lisa are in his apartment, things are heating up, and Jeff, the poster child of moral responsibility, tells Lisa, “I think you'd better go.”

Lisa's like, 'Can I at least get my coffee first?' Jeff's reply? 'I'll buy you a cup tomorrow.' They both smile, suggesting that if Lisa stays one more minute, Jeff is going to lose control and try to have sex with her, so she’s got to go. Jeff & Lisa embody the ideal of American 1950s virtue.

Now that Jeff is no longer working himself to death, he is able to get all the kids back out to the drag strip where they belong.

Talbot's ultimatum.

Ben finds Talbot sitting around in Yo-Yo's by himself trying to figure out where Lisa is. Upon learning she is at the racetrack with everyone else, Talbot flies off like a bat out of hell.

Ben follows him and arrests him for speeding and gives him an ultimatum: 'Come to the drag strip and see how real hot rodders roll, or face reckless driving charges.'

But when they get to the track, Jeff's not having it. He says Talbot's car is a deathtrap, and things go south real quick. Talbot flips out, threatens Jeff, and vows to get revenge.

Dangerous recklessness.

He ends with a direct threat to Jeff - "I'll get you yet!!"

Later, as Jeff and Lisa are driving around, Talbot approaches from the rear and keeps veering in front of them, trying to piss them off. During this nonsense, a bicycle rider is hit and killed. Jeff and Lisa aren't sure who hit him, but Talbot is sure it was Jeff. The City Councilman is so pissed, he fires Ben and closes the drag strip. Soon all hot rods will be outlawed.

Approaching Talbot.

Not one to wallow in self pity (unlike Jeff after Steve's death), Ben is hard at work collecting a paint sample from Talbot's car. He then approaches Talbot, who is sitting alone drinking a soda at Yo-Yo's.

Ben informs Talbot his inspection of the accident site reveals Jeff's skid marks ending 50 feet before the kid while Talbot's go right through the impact point. He also thinks Talbot's car finish matches marks found on the boy.

Talbot responds by standing up and smashing Ben over the head with a bottle!

Brawl at Yo-Yo's.

Then, Jeff runs in and beats the shit out of Talbot.

Everyone agrees Talbot's actions suggest he is guilty. Ben says, "I have to go see a man about a badge", implying he will get his job back since he was able to determine the accident was Talbot's fault.

Nursing Jim's wounds.

Then Jeff & Lisa make-out and everything is fine.


Commentary - The title is a little misleading, as the "hot rod girl" is really just a supporting character. The movie isn’t terrible, but could use a little more action. The "chicken" scene is badass as is the scene leading up to Steve's death, but highlights like that are few and far between. As part of a 2-for-$1 DVD though, especially one that was given to me for free, I can't complain at all about Hot Rod Girl.

[ Reviewed March, 2006. ]

Time Saving Tips #1

Clip your fingernails at work.
This will free up more leisure time later at home.

Glad to be helpful, there is no need to pay me.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Feb. 26, 2006]

Cheap Video Reviews: Under California Stars

Under California Stars.

DVD. 1948.

I picked this up at the 99 Cent Store after reading on the back that Trigger gets kidnapped. My interest was piqued.

While the DVD cover features a black and white still, the actual movie is in full color, so right away I was surprised by this film experience.

Smartest horse in the movies.

Under California Stars opens with footage of the Western range while Bob Nolan & The Sons of the Pioneers sing, "Under California Stars," a fine cowboy song.


Roy's horse, Trigger, gets equal credit to the man himself. They are both billed as the film's two stars. In the credits, Trigger's name carries the byline, "The smartest horse in the movies."

Trigger's trailer.

Roy plays himself in this film, a "cowboy movie star" with a 10 year long career.

As the film opens, Roy is wrapping up a movie shoot and plans to return to his ranch for a 10 year anniversary radio broadcast. He's driving along with Trigger in a horse trailer. After the opening song concludes, we see Roy approach his final destination: The Roy Rogers Ranch.

When they arrive at the ranch, the cowhands all go ape shit. They're running around dropping things and yelling at each other - "Hey, Cookie!...Hey Bob!...I saw him comin'!...He's comin' down the road!!"

"I wonder if Roy & Trigger changed since they became movie stars?"

Roy's home!

"Not Roy! He'll always be the same old horse rancher."

Suddenly, Cookie starts playing the piano and they all spontaneously break into song. And in this case, that particular song is called, "Roy Rogers, the King of the Cowboys."

As Roy walks in to see singing cowboys, his face just completely lightens up as if he'd just entered paradise itself.

After greeting everybody, they all run out to put Roy's car in the garage and let Trigger out of the Trailer. They are something like servants and this film is very much about Roy being a wealthy big shot. He hires and fires people all over the place when he isn't riding horses around on his ranch. It is always clear that everybody else in Roy's circle is employed by Roy. This may have been a 10th anniversary film (that is an ongoing theme) and perhaps he is just celebrating his success. There certainly is nothing shady about him. He just owns everything.

A talk with Cookie.

Next, Roy has a private talk with Cookie after learning that Cookie has hired a bunch of his cousins to work on the ranch. Nepotism doesn't sit well with Roy and he starts in on Cookie, "Cookie, if you don't quit hiring your relatives..." But the threat is interrupted by excited ranch hands. Apparently somebody has been abducting wild horses for their meat and hides. While this is not illegal, Roy and his posse head out to make sure they aren't taking any of Roy's ranch horses.

Roy sees a man lasso a horse, then knock it unconscious by whacking it in the head with a rifle butt! When the man sees Roy, he sneers, "Well Well...I should've known. Roy Rogers, the movie cowboy."

Roy immediately beats the shit out of this man, proving he is the real deal.

Pop Jordan's.

The criminal element in this movie centers around Pop Jordan's ("Horses Bought and Sold") and the film takes us over there next, where we meet Pop Jordan himself, an otherwise upstanding citizen who is thieving horses on the side. We also meet the film's young protagonist, Ted Carver & his dog, Tramp. Tramp jumps up on Pop's desk, causing Pop to exclaim, "Get that flea-bitten Australian coyote out of here!!!", which is a pretty funny thing for a guy to say.

It is in Pop Jordan's shop where the head horse thief, 'Lije (as in Elijah - he is also Ted Carver's step father) get the big idea to kidnap Trigger for a ransom.

Carolyn, the attractive horse trainer.

Back at Roy's Ranch, we meet another of Cookie's cousins, the attractive Carolyn who Cookie has hired as a horse trainer.

When she meets Roy face to face, Carolyn passes out from excitement. Roy catches her & comments to Cookie, "I can tell she's your relative; she weighs a ton".

Cut to the next day - Cookie is looking for the ranch hands and finds them all slacking in the stable. All the cowboys are hanging out in Trigger's stable, just adoring this great horse. One is brushing Trigger's mane, and the rest are playing cards. They all begin singing a cowboy ballad about "the cowboy and the coyote" and it's a fine song.

Roy enters the stable during the song and it just brings joy to Roy Rogers' heart when he hears cowboys singing. He is utterly delighted.

"As long as you haven't run away from home."

Next, Roy spots Ted Carver & his dog, Tramp. He picks them up, one at a time, and sits them on a bale of hay. Ted wants a job working for Roy and Roy doesn't mind at all, "as long as you haven't run away from home."

Back at Pop's, 'Lije is being reemed out - "That kid of yours is up at Rogers Ranch, asking about a job!"

The cattle rustlers decide to take advantage of the situation to get ahold of Trigger. They visit the ranch and act thrilled that the kid will be working and living with Roy instead of living at home with his step-father, which I guess would be perfectly reasonable in the cowboy subculture:

Ted: "You mean I can stay? You aren't mad at me?"
'Lije: "For runnin' away? NOoo! Noooo!!"

The film's big moment of levity occurs in the form of a race between horse and dog. Trigger and Tramp race each other, running down a long dirt road at full speed. The little dog is going so fast, you can hardly see his feet and everyone is going crazy yelling, "C'mon, Trigger!!" and "C'mon, Tramp!!"  Of course, Trigger wins.

10th anniversary radio broadcast.

Cut to Roy's 10th anniversary radio broadcast - Roy cuts a cake and comments, "It's so pretty, I kinda hate to cut it". Then, of course, he leads a chorus of cowboys in song.

While otherwise good-natured and sort of a harmless buffoon, Cookie may be part German as well, because he holds no love for children at all. During the celebration, we see Cookie smack Ted's hand when he makes a grab for a piece of cake. Under the table, however, Cookie is feeding cake to the boy's dog, Tramp. At another point in the film, Cookie says to Roy (regarding Ted), "He's not one of us! We were bigger than him when we were born!"

A bloody gash.

What a thing to say!

Rough stuff.

During this celebration of Roy's career, however; back on Roy's ranch, the kidnappers are going after Trigger! They also rough up Ted, and pistol-whip the dog, Tramp, right in the head; leaving a realistic bloody gash.

They tell Ted that if he mentions anything about this, they're going to blow his head off.

The capture of Trigger.

Horse Thieving Tip -  As the kidnappers approach Trigger, their leader exclaims, "Not that way! He'll kick your brains out! Rope that mare and lead her out, he'll follow her.

So they lasso Trigger, who rears up on his hind legs heroically, but to no avail.

The headlines!

The next day's headline reads: "Trigger Kidnaped".

Pop's ransom note.

The radio announcer describes widespread searches, "by plane, automobile, and horse".
Meanwhile, Pop is hard at work on a ransom note.

One rustler (the one who Roy beat up earlier) opines, "$100,000?? I think that's too high! Why don't we ask for $10,000?". He apparently doesn't appreciate Trigger's celebrity value. Roy arranges for his Hollywood movie studio deliver him $100,000 and then sings Ted Carver a sad cowboy lullaby in Spanish.

This moment of peace is short lived as the rustler (the one who Roy beat up earlier) breaks up the song at gunpoint. He tries to undercut Pop and says he'll tell Roy where Trigger is for $10,000 instead of $100,000.

Then he is promptly shot through the window. Right in the back! For double-dealing!

Cookie has been writing the movie's title song, "Under California Stars", but is too choked up to perform it. Then, like that wasn't bad enough, the sheriff refuses to let Roy pay the ransom because he doesn't want to encourage the rustlers to pull similar stunts in the future. Even though Roy is freaking rich and argues that $100,000 is nothing compared to Trigger's life; he does finally see the sheriff's point. So they hatch a plan to use fake money and trace it back to the kidnappers.

"Under California Stars."

Before they set off though, Roy joins Carolyn in a verse of Cookie's "Under California Stars".

Roy likes the song so much he agrees to use it in his movie. He then fires Cookie for "writing songs on ranch time", then immediately hires him to come to Hollywood as his song-writer.

Cookie faints just like his cousin Carolyn did earlier. Roy has that kind of power over people. As Cookie recovers, he is murmuring, "Hollywood. Swimming pools. Lights. Girls!"

Then everyone goes after the kidnappers. Well, there's a lot of crap footage here, then finally the counterfeiters bullwhip Trigger until he goes inside their cabin so nobody sees him. Trigger finally complies, but only after bringing his hooves down on one man, crippling him for life.

When they discover the ransom money is counterfeit, it is time to kill Trigger. 'Lije pulls out a shotgun (though I find it impossible to accept somebody would shoot a horse with a shotgun INSIDE a cabin - that just seems crazy to me). He comments to the other horse thieves, "Boys, get your shovels. We gotta bury the evidence."

Horse following dog.

Suddenly, Ted Carver shows up with the real ransom money. He hands it over in exchange for Trigger's life. Pop decides to take the money & burn the cabin down with Trigger & Ted inside it. The guy that Trigger crippled yells out, "Hey! How about me!! I can't move!" Then he is immediately shot.

Now, on the day that Pop wrote Trigger's ransom note, Ted Carver & Tramp visited his office. Tramp got in the trash as usual and now Roy discover's where Tramp stockpiles all the garbage he steals.
While going through various items and laughing - Pop's glove, a boot - Roy finds the newspaper cut up for the ransom note! And he goes apeshit! No time to sing, they are on their way!!!

More horses following horse.

Tramp is let out of the house because they know he'll run straight to Ted Carver, wherever he may be.

The next scene is thrilling!! It consists of a dog running full speed with Roy Rogers following on a horse, and finally about ten cowboys chasing after Roy.

So, to make things short, big shoot out, big chase scene - finally 'Lije and Pop are the only ones unaccounted for. 'Lije shoots Pop on the Northern Trail and Roy hears the shot and beats the shit out of 'Lije.

Then suddenly, Pop reappears and hoots 'Lije for double crossing him and then dies from his wounds, so everybody is happy.

Happy Trails, Roy!

Next thing we know, Roy is heading back to Hollywood with Ted Carver up front and his new song-writer, Cookie, in the back with the dog, Tramp. The ranch-hands stay behind, keeping an eye on things until Roy's return.

Comments - Under California Stars was ok. It had its moments and a couple of enjoyable musical numbers. Definitely worth 99 cents.

I admire Roy and I also really liked the film's strong "Don't be a double-crosser" message, though Cookie often over-acted. This makes me think I might enjoy other Roy Rogers films. We may or may not ever know.

[ Reviewed February, 2006. ]