What Do You Want?

Some recent search engine queries that brought visitors to Rebel Leady Boy Scrapbook:

• amish healthcare
• anchorage taco bell camera
• Bob Barker piggyback ride
• come mr tally man tally my banana
• dogs peeing on the wall
• funny cabbage
• great butt excercises
• hitler yelling
• how to be a fat sumo
• how to counterfit $20
• how does mass affect a pinewood derby car?
• i'm in jail
• incredible hulk nightlight
• jonnie esoteric
• old lady half werewolf
• pee in the coffee pot
• scrapbook boy
• supergirl porn
• testicle punishment
• what is the best outfit to wear for a singing competition

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Oct. 10, 2005]

G-ville Keywords

Keyword searches that brought people to Gilliomville in the mid-2000s:

amish in California

bend it like beckman photos

bras for full figures that of

breaded cheeseburgers

cocaine in germany guestbook 2004

dan haggerty look alikes

Distressed Camels

fart in a skillet

fay wray s tit shot

fish care for piranahas

fish processing chat room

fort wayne coney island sauce recipe

george foreman bratwurst how long

goldmine-between-your-legs

grandma is shitting

haunted houses and mesquite

history of menenites

how to bullshit a customs officer

how to gig frogs

Hulk Hands

immitation penis with clean urine

in rubber pants

irish goat

john-holmes dukes hazzard

K-Mart Closing Sale

nick nack shelf

peeing

poptarts commercial song

preventing nocturnal erections

raising piranha

Rick Hazel

scary mask

Shooting Wolves

space shuttle clean up

The Arctic Fox

the mule of grizzly adams

Todd's shoes

what is the best road pavement

"Martha Stewart: Apprentice", Week 3 Synopsis

Tonight's episode began with Matchstick (the "Creative" team) talking among themselves about how much they hate Dawn and want her to go home.

When the team observed Dawn & Jim return to the suite, both having survived last week's conference room firing; one team member commented, "I want to throw up,” because, ideally, at least one of the two would have been fired. After returning to the suite, Jim learned his wife had just given birth to a baby girl.

In the morning, Martha called the teams directly from her horse stable. She asked the team, "Just waking up? I've been up for HOURS" (as if she had been personally shoveling horseshit for 5 hours).

This week's task was to design, bake, and sell a wedding cake at a "Wedding Expo." Martha mentioned the wedding industry brings in $72 billion per year and generously allowed the teams to thumb through back issues of Martha Stewart - Weddings magazines for inspiration.

Matchstick team leader Shawn (the short-haired newscaster girl) was so confident, she told George Wannabe (second in charge, after Martha Stewart herself), "If we don't win this one, you can fire me personally".  George Wannabe seemed seriously concerned about this rash comment.  He confided to the camera that Shawn was, "boisterous".

Over at Primarius (the "Corporate" team), team leader Howie reprimanded his team when they complained he sent them to an Asian wedding store. "That's Bullshit!!!! blah-blah-blah-blah!!!!!"

["Bullshit" was censored by the network, but you could read his lips].

None of Howie’s team mates had ever seen him become that upset before and they were all relieved when he eventually calmed down and began hugging people instead of screaming at them.

Primarius was working late into the evening and the team members were all exhausted when they were paid a surprise visit by Martha Stewart's daughter, Alexis. 

Primarius claims the visit from Alexis, "lifted our spirits" because they enjoyed asking her questions about what it was like being Martha's daughter.

The next morning, Matchstick were so proud of their cake, they were practically screaming with glee. Team member Shawn hated the cake though. She hated everything about it, but mostly that it had a bow on it. She sulked all through the Wedding Expo and throughout the rest of the show.

There was a disgusting clip of Jim and David talking in the bathroom, strategizing in their underwear while David was trimming his facial hair - not good TV.

When all was said and done, Primarius (the "Corporate" team) sold 5 cakes while Matchstick (the "Creative" team) sold ZERO.  Martha asked Alexis to bring her back a piece of each team's cake so she could personally sample them.

After sampling the cakes, Martha commented, "It tastes homemade and that's what you want to go for in a cake".

As soon as she said this, Jim nodded excessively with fake enthusiasm, very unconvincingly.  If he was trying to communicate that he felt exactly the same way, that's not how it came off. It came off as impulsive, insecure kiss-assery.

Martha shook her head at the Matchstick team for losing all 3 weeks in a row and commented that the Corporate group is, "demolishing the Creative group." Matchstick should be ashamed of themselves.

Primarius' reward for winning was to have desert with Donald Trump and his wife. Martha called Trump personally on his cellphone during desert and Trump told her, "You have a real attractive group of winners here."

Then Trump asked if any of them would like to work for him (implying "instead of Martha") and they all yelled, "YES!" except for one girl who developed a very sour expression on her face.

The conference room scene was advertised in the commercials as "A Conference Room Twist" and it really was! After the usual nonsense, everyone was sent back to the suite except three members who were singled out. Martha and George Wannabe decided that everyone should be called back into the boardroom though. Their reasoning was that it wasn't the cake's fault nobody bought it and they wanted to fire one of the sales staff. I think the secret reason was because they wanted to fire Shawn for being boisterous earlier.

They asked Shawn why she said they could fire her if Matchstick lost and Shawn said that in the TV business where she works as a newscaster, everybody always says "Fake it 'til you make it" when they can't remember their lines.

Martha countered with, "I've been on TV for 12 years and I've NEVER said, 'Fake it 'til you make it'!!"

She then promptly fired Shawn for endorsing the slogan, "Fake it 'til you make it," as well as for being generally boisterous.

Martha still hasn't developed a catch phrase when she fires people (she probably didn't want to pay Donald Trump to say, "You're Fired" since he copyrighted it). Tonight she said, "I wish you well, but I have to say goodbye." Then she rolled her eyes as the team left the conference room.

Snippet from her goodbye letter to Shawn - "At Martha Stewart Living, everything we do has to be beautiful on the inside and out, just like the wedding cake".

The previews for next week look even better than this week's "Conference Room Twist".  The phrase for next week is, "One Team Won't Even Finish"!!!  I bet it's Matchstick again.

[ Source:  Real World…Blogger Style! - October 6, 2005 ]

Happy September

Happy September, you bastard.

A new variation on an old theme.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Sep. 26, 2005]

Knife Day

[From RW...BS's "Knife Day"]

I have 2 knives of note -

1. My first knife ever:

My first knife ever.

This was a gift from my father when I was 6 years old or so. The little metal plate says "Old Timer" and I've placed it on a bag of small flour tortillas for scale.

It is notable for not having a safety lock, so if you're not careful, the blade can close on your fingers while you're cutting something. Strange choice of gift for a six year old child. It taught me at a very early age to be careful when using knives.

2. Ulysses' Death Knife:

Ulysses' Death Knife.

I acquired this knife in Los Angeles when Ulysses (the guy who rented the basement of Miski's house) moved out and left it stuck in a tree. Miski didn't want it, but said I could have it. It is also placed on the same bag of small flour tortillas for scale.

I still use knives when needed, but I don't always use cutting boards. Somewhere along the line, I've acquired the habit of cutting vegetables while holding them in my hand.  I did this with a bell pepper at my Chinese Professor's house when she invited the class over and she was startled and horrified.  I keep my home knives pretty dull, but hers was super sharp, so that's probably why she over reacted.

[Originally posted on The Real World...Blogger Style!, Sep. 3, 2005]

Poem for the Wayward Whales

The wayward whales were wandering west.

Wayward.

Way wayward.

[Originally posted on The Real World...Blogger Style!, Sep. 3, 2005]

Enjuague Bucal

[From RW...BS's "Post Your Mouthwash" Campaign]

My current mouthwash is Enjuague Bucal from the 99 Cent Store. It carries a "Pharmacist's Preference" label,

"Pharmacist's Preference," Enjuague Bucal.

The product looks a lot like Listerine and I expected a good burn the first time I used it, but it is very watered down and not nearly as cleansing as its more expensive counterpart. A person could probably drink it, if they wanted to.

Don't drink mouthwash.

[Originally posted on The Real World...Blogger Style!, Sep. 1, 2005]

Danbai

While I was in the bathroom taking pictures of my mouthwash, I thought My bottle of Danbai shampoo from L.A.'s chinatown was also worth a post.

Danbai.

It only looks girly on the outside. It is actually a very hardcore shampoo that smells a lot like burning plastic when you rub it into your scalp. I almost think it was mis-bottled.

The label is mostly written in Chinese, but 4 points are clearly emphasized in English:

1. Unnecessary to add other protecting elements. It is very convenient to use.

          Comment - True. It IS easy to use!

2. Containing rare herb...and more than ten kinds of amino acid...making the hair easily combed. Keep hair black forever and soft.

          Comment - Forever!

3. The function is moderate and safe.

          Comment - Not my usual function.

4. Full of sweet scents of fresh apple.

          Comment - No, it smells like melting plastic.

[Originally posted on The Real World...Blogger Style!, Sep. 1, 2005]

Gorilla Fireworks

Gorilla Fireworks.

I think the appeal of Gorilla Fireworks is self-evident.

Stump Removal

It's amazing that Jon Sr.'s property used to look like this:

Todd & Amanda, pre-clear cutting.

Because, now it looks like this:

Post-clear cutting.

And what's the point of having an isolated Alaskan cabin if you don't have a great view?

Once enough trees were cleared, the addition of a gravel driveway made everything look downright civilized:

Uncle Jon's driveway.

After the trees were dealt with, there was still a lot of stump removal, which was probably my favorite task:

Step 1: Chainsaw the roots:

Jon Sr. chainsawing through the tundra.

Step 2: Tie chain to stump:

Step 3: Tie chain to truck & drive:

The stump pops right out, like pulling a tooth, with a satisfying, "craaaack - pop" sound.

The property is pretty much ready, Jon Sr.'s well and septic tank are in place (sidenote: the well site was discovered when a former Salvation Army preacher walked over the property with a dowsing wand). Once the garage/workshop is finished, it'll be time to start building a cabin. No electricity or phone yet, but there is a generator, so he can run his power tools. 

Apparently, extending the phone and power lines a few more poles costs several thousand dollars out there. The custom is to wait until 3 or 4 people all decide they want power, then they all share the cost.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Sep. 10, 2005]

Rural Eateries

Uncle Jon's cabin site is in a pretty ideal location - about 50 miles north of Anchorage, and even closer to the growing city of of Wasilla; so you can still get into town pretty conveniently.

At some point after miles and miles of nothing but trees, you turn down a long gravel road, then another long gravel road, then there you are.

It's a pleasant little community of isolated cabins - everybody I met was real nice, nobody was full of shit.

The only nearby  commercial facilities (and by "nearby," I mean 20 miles away) are a couple of gas stations, a hardware store, and the occasional lodge.

The low population base makes waiting in line extremely rare. This was particularly impressive coming in from southern California.

Typical Alaskan roadside lodge.

Interesting hood ornament.

A little further, and you'll find a couple of local eating establishments, both of them provide huge portions:

Sunshine Restaurant.

Sunshine Restaurant is my favorite, it's right next to a gas station, so we ended up there more often than not. They always had a giant stack of newspapers piled on one of the tables. I don't know if they are ever packed to capacity with customers.

In the other direction, towards Willow, is the Trading Post:

Willow Trading Post.

This place was a little rowdier since it is also a bar in the evenings. Huge portions, again.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Sep. 7, 2005]

Go, Wood Chipper!

Jon Sr's Rural Alaskan Property Site.

I had a good time helping my Dad clear his property and roof his garage last month.

I really loved getting out of crowded California - most days, we didn't see more than 1 or 2 cars go by all day. When somebody drove by, everyone would stop and look because it was kind of a rare event.

And I very much loved using the rented wood chipper. The property site was originally just full of trees which Uncle Jon had pretty much cleared out by the time I arrived.

Once all the firewood had been cut and stacked, he was left with a mountain of brush. The locals don't like people burning brush because of the possibility of starting a forest fire (it's a tundra environment, so the ground is covered by a thick carpet of low shrubbery), so we had the pleasure to indulge in running everything through a rented a wood chipper.

It took us 8 hours (!) to clear all the brush.

Wood chippin'.

Just feed in the limbs -

- and out fly the chips:

It turned out an 80 year old former school teacher who lived out there had a use for those wood chips. She wanted to use them to pave her garden walkways, so we took her over a few truckloads and were rewarded by an amazing moose dinner!

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Sep. 3, 2005]

Sidekick

Yep, look at me in the Alaskan roadside bat mobile.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Sep. 2, 2005]

Homecoming

I'm back from my travels, just in time for my final MLIS class.

August was great! I got to help Jon Sr. build a garage on this Alaska property:

 Then I got to fly down to the mid-west to meet my brand new niece, Mina, in Missouri:

Mina & Uncle Jonnie.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Aug. 31, 2005]

Giant Cabbage Secrets

Look at the size of this cabbage!

With Jon Sr.'s giant cabbage.

My Dad's friend, Tom, grew it in the backyard. Tom might enter it in the Alaska State Fair competition, though Alaskan cabbages are usually even much bigger than this one; because of all the summer sunlight, I guess.

A trick you can all try at home:

If you stick a cabbage plant's roots in a gallon of milk, it will grow to HUGE proportions (supposedly because of all the growth hormone in cow's milk). The practice has been outlawed by the Alaskan State Fair and authorities test for it (like steroids), but you can certainly try it at home with your personal cabbages.

Jon Sr. and Tom are currently debating whether to let the giant cabbage continue to grow naturally and enter it in the fair (though it will not come close to the usual contestants' size) or to stick its roots in milk and see how much bigger it gets.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Sep. 4, 2005]

Mayhem

Two disasters I witnessed this week:

1. An upside down Mercedes blocking 2 of the 55 Freeway's 6 lanes. It was just laying there upside down with its wheels in the air, dead. And 3 girls were smoking cigarettes next to it.

2. We were delivering some trench braces and the onsite backhoe apparently busted an underground water line, flooding the 10-foot deep trench in seconds. We were on the truck and all of a sudden heard a bunch of chatter, then 4 or 5 workmen came piling out of the trench they were digging and soon it was completely flooded and water was overflowing into the street. It was like when someone breaks a fire hydrant in a movie. A kid was coming uphill on a bike and when he turned the corner, a bunch of water was running down the hill at him and he looked really puzzled. Since it wasn't our fault, it was pretty funny, so we were laughing about it; then we loaded are truck really fast before all of our shit was underwater.

Those are pretty much the highlights of the work week. The weekend will be spent polishing off a records management final exam.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, July 29, 2005]

James, the Former Carny

The spider man guy in the previous post was named James, and I really like working with him. In addition to being a former carny, James is also a barrel of laughs. I took notes yesterday and recorded three noteworthy weird things he said or did:

1.)  Upon walking into the break room and finding Ambush Makeovers on the television -

James: "Fuck this! I don't wanna see an ambush makeover!"
[changes station to Judge Joe Brown]
James: "I wanna see someone get hung!!"

2.)  RE: "Day-O" by Harry Belefonte -

James: "Come Mr. Tallyman, Tally me banana" - You know what that means, don't you?"
Me: "He wants the foreman to count his bananas."
James: "NOoo - well, ok, maybe...but what it really means is he wants a guy to measure his dick."
Me: "HAHAHA"
James: "Well, yeah, 'tally my banana'! That's what it means."

3.)  Spider Venom Contest –

James: "Did you know the Daddy Long Legs is the most venomous spider in the world?"
Me: "No."
James: "Yep, but its fangs are so small, they can't break your skin."
Me: "huh!"
James: "Look it up! Or watch the Discovery Channel!!"
Me: "ok."
 James: "And I've always wanted to put a Daddy Long Legs and a Black Widow in a jar together         and see which one would walk out alive."
Me: "YEAH! I want to see too!! Let's do it here at work!"
James: "OK, keep your eyes peeled for a Black Widow and a Daddy Long Legs. And a jar. And keep your gloves on".
Me: "HAHAHAHAHA...OK!"

Other things I remember about James:

1. In the world of day labor, doing something "Mexican-style" means doing it half-assed. I learned that from Jay.  Though the Mexican guys we work with are probably the most competent guys on staff.

2. One day at lunch, somebody asked James, "What would you do if you looked down right now and there was a rattlesnake?"

James said he's always wanted to catch a rattlesnake and if he did, he'd skin it and make a headband out of the skin (with the rattle hanging off the back).

3. I give James a ride back to the Rebel Leady office after work and yesterday's James monologue went something like this:

James: "Did you know the fly is the only animal that can be frozen and then brought back to life?"
Me: "Really?"
James: "Yep - on the Discovery channel they froze one, then thawed it out later and it came back to life".
Me: "Like Captain Ameria!"
James: "Exactly! Freeze me solid and thaw me out in the year 3000! Or better yet, freeze me and thaw me out once there's a cure for AIDS!!"
Me: "hahahaha"
James: "The only other animal that can be frozen and brought back to life is the lobster. You can  freeze a lobster solid, then throw it in boiling water and the fucker will scream every time! You killed him once, now you're killing him again!!...Imagine doing that to a human!"

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, July 16, 2005]

Fuck It, Let's Make It Look Like Spider Man!

Lately, at work, I've been tasked with equipping trench braces.  They are based around hydraulic cylinders. Sizes range from little ones (pictured) to five or six feet long:

Pallet full of freshly tested cylinders.

My favorite task is assembling the cylinder sets because that requires a vice, which means I am at the tool bench inside the shop and out of the sun, often with a radio nearby.

Here's the outside work area where we test freshly used braces, note damage with red spray paint, and drain the old hydraulic fluid:

Brace lab.

I wish I'd brought a camera on Monday - the whole area was covered in huge spider webs. During a lull in production, a co-worker of mine was examining the webs. We're like, "Dang, everything is covered with spider webs," and he suddenly exclaims, "Hey! Fuck it! Let’s make it look like Spider Man!" and started spray painting all the webs red. They were all around us and they looked really cool. Then we just went back to work and I was thinking, "What a fucking cool guy!"

But really though, what a cool fucking guy.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, July 15, 2005]

Long Live This Ditch, 1983

Long Live This Ditch, S.G. & J.C. '83."

Found this message inscribed in a cement ditch. The message has survived 23 years so far, though it narrowly escaped destruction from a severe crack.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Feb. 4, 2006]

Paperclips

Since paperclips tend to damage documents over time, archivists remove them from their collections; otherwise they can leave rust stains and can sometimes result it tearing the papers they are securing.

Look at all the paperclips that were removed from one particular Senator's papers:

Probably a small trash bag's worth of paperclips removed from one collection.

 I think if the paperclips come from the collection of a famous enough person, archivists should sell them in a souvenir shop instead of throwing them away. It seems like a waste of a perfectly good keepsake.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, July 3, 2005]