ABOUT PEE

I kept a copy of this mimeographed poem since junior high. 

I think it still holds up after  35 years.

ABOUT PEE

The sun pees in his bed

A horse pees out his tail

A duck pees by his mouth

A ghost pees out of his nose

A spaceman pees on top of his saucer

A hog pees from his ears and makes tears

A chair pees by his legs

Teeth pee by the point of a gumdrop

A toilet pees in a bowl

A man pees in his mouth

A man pees on top of the museum

A dog pees on top of the furniture

A cat pees on food - echk!

A cat pees on dog mess

A drawer pees where the flies live

A jacket pees by the zipper

A coat pees out its pocket

A devil pees by the fork and tail

A boat pees out the propeller

A garbage can pees on people's hands

A flower pees on the stems

- Ronald and Ellen

Michiana Comicon

Wow - $1.00 comic con admission. This was 1983-84 in the midwest, so it was nothing like today's Comic Cons. They even spelled it as one word: "Comicon." Our friends John & Dickey invited me and brother Todd to go with them. It was amazeballs at the time. I forget what city it was in. Maybe Elkhart?

Admit One: $1.00.

Todd got a copy of G.I. Joe #10 signed by the artist. I bought a bunch of titles I couldn't get anywhere else, like Judge Dredd, or obscure independent titles Johnny Nemo. A lot of them weren't all that great, but I was all about seizing an opportunity to encounter something new and weird that I might not find anywhere else. 

Johnny Nemo image taken from an eBay ad. I bought these three same issues.

Chili Dog Burrito Nightmare

The first burritos I ever ate were frozen ones from the supermarket.

Our supermarket’s frozen brand offered three varieties:

• Red Hot (in a red wrapper),
• Mild (in a green wrapper), and
• Chili Dog (in a brown wrapper).

I loved the first two, but Chili Dog was introduced later, and I was unfamiliar with it the first (and only) time I tried one. I assumed it would be filled with beefy chili dog-style chili or something.

I'll never forget my shock the first time I bit into it – the burrito had a whole hot dog in it! It was a hot dog wrapped in beans, then encased in a tortilla and frozen. You would bite into it and pull the whole hot dog out.

It seemed very unnatural and wrong. I was probably 12 or 13 years old, and I think I shrieked out loud when I bit into it and pulled out a hot dog. It was messed up. I'm glad it never caught on.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, June 30, 2004]

P-E-P-S-I S-P-I-R-I-T

In 1981, Pepsi launched a bottle cap collecting game to ignite the "Pepsi Spirit" in their customers. The idea was simple: collect the letters printed on the inside of each bottle cap to spell "Pepsi Spirit." This was before plastic twist-off caps were common, and you had to pop open a Pepsi with a bottle opener. Here’s the original commercial.

As a kid, I didn't realize that the rarest letter was the elusive R. I thought the distribution of letters was even, and I would excitedly tell people that we had all the letters except for the R. Little did I know, everyone was in the same boat.

One day, while stopping at a gas station, my friend and I thought we had struck gold. The gas station owner had altered a P into an R with a marker and had the caps displayed next to the register. We were ecstatic and thought our dream of completing the Pepsi Spirit was finally coming true.

"We have the E! You have the R! Let's go in together and split the money!" we exclaimed.

But then, the gas station owner laughed and pointed out that it was a fake R—one of the fifth ones he'd made because people kept stealing them!

Pretty good prank.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, May 18, 2006]

Fortress of Solitude (Presto Magix)

Does anybody remember Presto Magix? You would get a background with a sheet of objects and characters that you could permanently transfer wherever you wanted them.

The best Presto Magix kits included a large variety of characters, but there were some duds like Superman's Fortress of Solitude that didn't give you much to work with. The only way to entertain yourself with these duds was to make inappropriate half-assed creations like this one that I found in a box of old personal items some years ago.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Feb. 3, 2004]

Gill-Frank Road Trips

[Compiled from various posts on the Gilliomville message board, contributed by various Gillioms and Franks]:

Remember Nick asking us, “Do you wanna eat at King's Island (spoken in a joyful tone of voice) or Pearl's Diner (spoken in a tone of disgust)”?

Pearl's Diner is a great memory. Now that I am a man and no longer a child, I would much rather eat at a diner that at an amusement park. I think my true motivation was to try to get to the park as early as possible so I could be one of the first people on the Beast or whatever the big roller coaster was back then.

I can just imagine the parents tallying up the breakfast bill. Do we wanna fill up at a reasonable diner with free coffee refills, or load up on snack foods at five times the regular price?

We met a girl at a party who was from Richmond, IN. She was familiar with all the rides at King's Island and Cedar Point, and she seemed to prefer King's Island. She called me "old school" when I mentioned the Screamin' Demon. Man, it was fun to go there.

Do you remember the trip to Michigan?  I remember staying in some cheap cabins and Jonnie climbed up the lattice work on the front of the office. I do not have one other memory of the whole trip.

I remember car problems at a grumpy guy's campground we called Crazy Gukenheimer and the sun shining as we boarded a big boat.

Crazy Gukenheimer was the man who rented us our cabins. Herb remembers when we stopped to see if there was a vacancy, there was an old woman in the office. She wrote a note and put it in the mouth of a large dog. She told the dog to go find Daddy and he took off to find the man that Jon and Herb later called Crazy Gukenheimer. Pretty soon the guy came. He had been fishing down at the lake behind the cabins. By that time, Jonnie had climbed up the lattice work of the office. We spent the night there and I remember you four boys were going all directions.

I remember the boat ride too, but I didn't understand where we were going or why we were on it. I thought it was magnificent. I also remember being terrified of the haunted house, and waiting with some of the adult women while Jonnie and either Nick or Ross went inside with my Dad, I think. I was terrified that Jonnie wouldn't survive to come back out again. There were pictures on the outside of devilish horrors I didn't understand -- and that made them REALLY scary, because Jonnie and I imagined the worst possibilities of what was going on in there.

I remember being terrified in that haunted house!  Dad was carrying me by the end of it.  One monster jumped out and scared the crap out of me – I started crying and the monster goes, “I was just kidding, little kid”.

The island we visited was Mackinaw. We took a ferry over and rented horse drawn carriages to see the island. There are no cars on the island. Most of us have been there several times. It is a nice short trip from Indiana.

Do you boys remember getting pigs in a blanket at IHOP and putting every kind of syrup at the table? 

Cheating at the Pinewood Derby

The only things I really remember from my short time in Cub Scouts are dressing as a monkey for a play, answering “dandelion” when they asked for flower names (and getting laughed at), and the pinewood derby.

For the derby, you got a block of wood and some wheels to make a car and raced it downhill. My dad, still drinking back then, was very into it. One Saturday night, while I was watching SNL, he was in the basement melting lead fishing sinkers with a few beers. He drilled holes in the front of my car, poured in the molten lead to make it heavier, sealed the holes with wood putty, and painted them yellow like headlights. When that looked too obvious, he slathered the whole front of the car in thick yellow paint.

I got the date of the race wrong and missed it, which turned out to be a blessing. Another kid told me they weighed the cars, so my lead-filled masterpiece would’ve gotten me busted and humiliated.

Between that and “dandelion,” Cub Scouts was not my shining moment.

Blasts from the Past

During last month's travels, I was able to browse through old family photos for the first time in years. I brought a few of them home with me for scanning, like this one:

Me & Brother Todd in the 1970s.

I also learned that plaid clothing was a constant presence in my childhood photos.

The highlight of the trip was a box of memorabilia from my mother that had recently been delivered to my brother in Missouri. My mother died when I was 10 years old, so it was interesting to look through the stuff. A lot of it was famiiar from my childhood, though most of the photographs were totally new to me.

I'd never seen this one before:

My mother, age 3; with Santa Claus, 1950s.

Then there were my baby pics from 1970. It's pretty funny how little I've changed since then:

1 year old Jonnie, 1970.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Sep. 1, 2005]

Dreaming of a Plaid Christmas

 Jonnie and Todd, the Gilliom Bros. - Christmas in the 1970s.

The Plaid Brothers

 Jonnie and Todd Gilliom: The Plaid Brothers.

“We’re on a mission from mom.”

Amish Tendencies

My family's ancestors were Anabaptists during the protestant reformation. Over time, schisms within the Anabaptist movement gave rise to groups like the Mennonites, Amish, and others. My direct line came from a later Anabaptist splinter group in Switzerland known as the Apostolics. So, I share some common ancestry with Amish folk.

Our family’s lineage can be traced back to Adam Gilliom, who emigrated from Switzerland to Indiana in the 1800s. At that time, we were Apostolic. A few generations later, my father became the first member of our family to leave the church entirely—a decision he made on his own. He’s mentioned that it was a tough time because none of his friends were no longer allowed to talk to him anymore, and he deeply missed hunting and fishing with one of his cousins.

According to my parents, when I was a little kid, I had a memorable encounter with an Amish buggy. One passed by our house, and I took off chasing after it without a word. My mom was frantic when she realized I was missing; she even called the police.

Eventually, someone reported seeing a little kid running down the road after a buggy, yelling, "Horsey! Horsey!" The police found me and brought me home. When my mom asked what I was doing, I told her with great determination that I wanted to be “an Amish” when I grew up.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Feb. 20, 2004]

Jonnie the Clever Child

In 1970, I got my hand stuck in a chair and couldn't figure out how to pull it out. Instead of helping me, my parents took a picture and captioned it, “Jonnie the clever child." wtf.

Jonnie the clever child.