Cheap Video Reviews: Santa Claus

Filmed at Churubusco-Azteca Studios in Mexico & starring Jose Elias Moreno, Jose Quezadas 'Pulgarcito', and Jose Luis Aguirre.

Purchased at the 99 Cent Store for just 99 cents.

Santa Claus

Right from the start, this film is obviously more than a simple rehash of the usual Santa myth:

1.) For one thing, Santa lives in a castle on a cloud in outer space above the North Pole where he runs an extensive surveillance operation on the children of Earth. At one point, the narrator observes, "Nothing on Earth is unknown to Santa".

Santa's surveillance equipment is oddly anthropomorphic. His radar dish includes a human ear in the center and his audio receiver is a huge moving set of human lips attached to a mechanical control console. I think this is an attempt to suggest a magical element. 

2.) The second notable break with the traditional Santa mythos is the total absence of elves. Instead of elves, Santa's "Toyland" workshop is staffed by volunteer children, one from each nation of the world.

The film opens with the children of the world, one representing each nation, singing songs in their native tongues (most of them completely unenthusiastic) while Santa accompanies them on his organ (extremely enthusiastically). The organ also displays the name of the country associated with whatever musical style Santa is playing at the moment.

When children sing in this movie, it's pretty piss-poor. They mumble and look at their feet. A soundtrack is obviously being played over the film footage. I don't think they are trying to lip sync. It seems like the original singing was just too bad to use, so they needed to record something later.

Most of the children in this movie (with the notable exception of the kid in the sombrero - who I refer to as their "leader") are practically sleepwalking their way through this scene. It works out okay overall though, they actually make Santa seem supernaturally enthusiastic in comparison.

Although Santa Claus is playing the organ, the children aren't necessarily singing Christmas songs, because the American children are dressed like cowboys and they sing "Mary Had A Little Lamb".

Santa is great in this movie, his eyes are extremely expressive, even under his huge beard, and he expresses concern exceptionally well (and often). He laughs almost constantly, frequently at inappropriate times and with a gusto that can come off as maniacal.

Immediately after the film's lengthy musical introduction, the action kicks right in as a Mexican child, holding a toy devil, approaches Santa and asks, "Santa, do you like this devil?" To which Santa expresses sincere concern as he inquires, "Devil?? Who requested that?"

The Devil, Pitch.

The child then lights the devil's tail with a sparkler (!) and the scene immediately shifts to the heart of Hell itself. A Devil (named, "Pitch") is ordered by Lucifer to, "Make all the children of the world do evil or you shall be punished". Pitch promises to "See that the children of the world commit evil deeds and make Santa Claus angry".

I think this is a particularly interesting statement, hinting at a primal rivalry between Lucifer and Santa Claus, as if Santa were God himself. Maybe Santa is just as good as God in the good/evil rankings.

Santa Claus' appeal is enhanced by the inclusion of some notable supporting characters.
Most surprisingly, the wizard Merlin (from Arthurian lore) plays a central role in the film. He is described as "Santa's most devoted helper" and lives in the castle where he crafts magical accessories for Santa. Santa refers to him throughout the movie as "Mr. Merlin" and for some reason, instead of walking like a normal man, Merlin gallops like a kid pretending to be a horse!

Santa & his Key Maker.

It's the odd touches like this that make Santa Claus such an enjoyable film. At the end of the film, when Merlin is rushing to help Santa, he hums the Lone Ranger theme while galloping to the intercom as a concerned child shouts, "Hurry, Mr. Merlin! This is no time to play horsie! Santa is in danger!"

Another character making a brief cameo is Santa's Key Maker - he makes a key that can open any door on Earth and it doesn't even need a keyhole! Santa just touches it to a door, a spark fires off, and the door opens right up!

Little Lupita.

The main supporting character is Lupita - the narrator constantly reminds us that she is poor and the only thing she wants in the world is a doll.

Lupita is just precious. At one point she tells her mother, "I asked Santa for two dolls; and if I get two, I'm going to give one to the Baby Jesus."

Early on in the film, the Devil persuades Lupita to steal a doll, but she almost immediately returns it. The Devil later enters Lupita's dreams and gives her a nightmare in which she is surrounded by dancing dolls in a bunch of fog and the dolls all try to persuade her to do evil, but she consistently holds her ground, emphasizing that she does not want to do evil.

The most enjoyable moments of Santa Claus stem from the shoddy production quality and Santa's overly robust voice. It's an endlessly delightful film to watch, regardless of plot, though there are a few notable plat devices:

1.) When the post office sends mail to Santa, they throw it in their furnace! Then the letters float up to the sky through the chimney! Somehow then, when Santa opens a particular cabinet in his cloud castle, a ton of mail falls on him. He loves it and practically bathes in the letters, laughing and exclaiming "Wonderful! Marvelous! HaHaHa! They don't forget Papa Noel!"

2.) Santa sorts his mail into 3 categories:
     a.) Verdad when it is a true heartfelt letter,
     b.) Falsehoods when it contains a lie, and
     c.) Paris when a child asks for a baby brother or sister.

3.) Santa's sleigh is pulled by fake reindeer that he winds up like toys.

Fake Deer.

4.) If the sun comes up before they return to the castle, the deer will turn to dust! And Santa will starve to death on Earth. He states that he (and the good children who volunteer in his shop) live on "pastries and ice cream made of soft clouds" and that he would be unable to eat Earth food.

When a child asks him what people on Earth eat, Santa responds, "Everything in sight! They eat most of the animals, the plants, the flowers, the roots, even smoke and alcohol!"

Devil's mischief.

The main action of the film concerns the Devil trying to sabotage Santa's delivery route. He's full of dirty tricks, at one point he almost nails Santa in the ass with a blast of fire sent up the chimney.

While the Devil is trying to heat up a door knob so Santa burns his hand, Santa sneaks in the back window and shoots the Devil in the ass with a dart fired from a toy cannon. Santa then laughs hysterically about it.

Mean Dog.

Eventually, the Devil tries to steal Santa's sleigh, but the deer won't obey him - so he decides to sic a mean dog on Santa instead. The dog chases Santa up a tree and the sun will soon be coming up!

The Devil also wakes up the townsfolk, telling them the dog chased a "murderer" up a tree outside, so they all come out with guns.

Dog Distraction.

Santa finally manages to contact Merlin, who suggests he try to use a toy cat from his bag as a decoy to distract the dog while he climbs down from the tree and resumes his delivery route. He tries this, and it works. Wise Merlin!

The last we see of the Devil, he's being chased off by firemen (spraying him with a hose) and the narrator comments, "He'll probably catch pneumonia"; but we know he probably won't.

Santa still has some unfinished business (getting a doll to Lupita's house before the sun comes up) which he accomplishes with no difficulty whatsoever.

Lupita's Father.

Finally, at Lupita's house, just as the sun is coming up and before Lupita is awake, her father comes home and his wife asks him if he had any luck finding work.

??? - What was he doing looking for work in the middle of the night??

Conclusion - Overall, an enjoyable movie. It drags at times, but there is enough novelty value to justify sitting through the dull parts. I'd say watching this movie once per year would be plenty, if not too much.

[ Reviewed December, 2005. ]

Old Man Candy

One of my favorite Christmas traditions is buying a big container of what has come to be known as, "old man candy."

This year, I found 2 pounds for $1.99!

They probably won't make it to Christmas though. I automatically crunch into them as soon as I put them into my mouth.

The grape ones are my favorite. They are also kind of rare.

Second favorite is probably lime.

Least favorite is peppermint.

Sometimes you'll bite into one that tastes kind of like cologne with sugar. It doesn't taste terrible, but it doesn't taste good either.

This batch has a really good one that tastes kind of like cherry cough syrup.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Dec. 19, 2005]

Glue-All

Bubble gum candy cane, 99 Cent Store.

I think it's weird the hair product I use comes packaged in what looks like a glue bottle. 

It did inspire me to transfer the hair product to a real glue bottle. The motivation is to just feel hardcore when I want to spike my hair.

[ Postscript – After I transferred my hair product to the glue bottle, I transferred the glue to a plastic baggy.  In retrospect, I should’ve put the glue into the hair product dispenser and returned it to the store shelf as a prank. Instead, I put the bag of glue on the train tracks for part of my week-long series, “What Should I Put On the Train Tracks?”, over at The Real World…Blogger Style!  ]

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Dec. 17, 2005]

Cover of Hardcore Magazine

Me, on the cover of Hardcore magazine:

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Dec. 7, 2005]

Which JohnnyC Quote are You?

Update 9/5/2025 - I ran a couple of the results quotes through ChatGPT and after an intense commentary, I asked, "Is it metal?"

ChatGPT responded: "Yeah-- It's metal as hell. [fire emoji].

In the mid-2000s, JohnnyC emailed me a list of outrageous metal quotations he had written down and saved. I was not sure what to do with them, but I thought they should be shared. I didn't know how to incorporate them into my blog, so the Which JohnnyC Quote are You? quiz was born. 

Original banner link to the quiz.

The quiz is no longer active. I may have to recreate it, but until then, here's a reproduction:

Which JohnnyC Quote are You?

JohnnyC has said a lot of crazy shit.

Which JohnnyC quote best characterizes you?

1. Which statement appeals to you the most?

a. "Lick my plate, you dog dick”.

b. "Nothing damages better than a brand new building”.

c. “Blarney Balls”!

d. "Bus Driver, I want to drive your bus”.

e. "I'm gonna try to get some off a skank at the Motel 6”.

2. If you could have any number of eyes besides two, how many would you prefer?

a. None            .

b. One.

c. Three to Nineteen.

d. Twenty.

e. More than twenty.

3. Which element best characterizes you?

a. Earth .

b. Wind.

c. Fire.

d. Water.

e. Meat.

4. You are pissed off because:

a. You are horny.

b. You only have one eye.

c. Your favorite electronics warehouse has vanished without a trace

d. They put cheese on your burger even though you told them:
    "Hamburger, not cheeseburger."

e. All of the above.

5. Who rocks harder?

a. Metallica.

b. Van Halen (David Lee Roth).

c. Van Halen (Sammy Hagar).

d. AC/DC.

e. Kiss

6. If you had to eat only one thing, what would you prefer?

a. White Castle.

b. Vienna sausages.

c. Something without cheese.

d. Poontang.

e. Nachos.

Possible Results

(sorted from most to least popular)

1. Rage and Mayhem - 24% of participants, awarded 61 times:

The clouds in the sky above float weightless, yet they attack me as if made of lead and crush me in fits of rage and mayhem.

2. Automated Warriors - 15% of participants, awarded 38 times:

Licking the fresh wounds of indifferent weapons, the helldogs gather behind the automated warriors and launch a terror assault against the demon children of mistrust and misunderstanding.

3. Misunderstood Agony - 14% of participants, awarded 35 times:

I bleed not red but the crimson of hate and the fire orange of misunderstood agony, and my mind is the chimney for the raging firebox of my tortured soul.

4. Wall Not Yet Built - 12% of participants, awarded 31 times:

Rain down upon me the drops of searing lust for destruction of wall not yet built and the wet tears of souls not hearing their destiny.

5. Ill Gotten Animals - 9% of participants, awarded 23 times:

Feed me the meat of ill gotten animals and let my disease begin to spread across the universe.

6. Beginnings of Armageddon - 6% of participants, awarded 14 times:

The sirens wail and the nukes rain down as the loathsome cowards, otherwise known as the world leaders, gather in their cocoons of sin and larceny, watching the beginnings of Armageddon in their palaces of anti-terror"

7. Beginnings of Armageddon - 6% of participants, awarded 14 times:

The cold skin of fear creeps down my back leading the last morsels of conscious thought into a paranoid rage as the curtains of night close on the theater of ultimate terror.

8. Retribution Against the Demons - 6% of participants, awarded 14 times:

The scorched earth,blackened by flames of tortured souls, screams in agony for retribution against the demons and vandals who lit the match with their blood stained fingers

9. My Festering Soul - 4% of participants, awarded 11 times:

Every passing of the satellites overhead keeps me cowering in fear of demons in black who wait for my miserable failure, feasting on my festering soul.

10.  Bleeding in the Gutter - 4% of participants, awarded 9 times:

As the mulleted skull lay bleeding in the gutter, I silently observed the remnants of horror in the eyes reminding me that rock and roll will never die, but flesh and blood is flesh and blood. 

1-800-DEL-TACO

Del Taco branded pay phone outside a Del Taco in Orange, CA; 2005.

Del Taco Hotline.

Morning Mayhem Aftermath

Aftermath from last Saturday's automobile explosion on a pretty recently re-paved road.

Carnage. I should park here so they can't tell I'm dripping oil.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Nov. 21, 2005]

Morning Mayhem

At around 4:15 a.m. last night, I heard a loud BAM! and wasn’t sure whether it came from inside or outside the house. After looking around, I discovered it had come from outside, on the street.

Car explosion.

This happened right next door to me. In fact, in the larger photo, you can see the outline of a car in the lower left-hand corner—that’s my neighbor’s. My car was parked directly behind it.

Apparently, a vehicle came careening down the street and crashed into a trailer loaded with something explosive. In front of the trailer (though you can’t see it through the flames) was a massive tour bus that parks there every six months or so. That caught fire too.

I’m honestly surprised we still have power. The flames reached some overhanging power lines, which started sparking and eventually fell. That’s about when the police showed up and told everyone to get back inside their homes.

Update:
In the light of day, it turns out the trailer contained a racecar or dune buggy of some kind—apparently full of fuel.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Nov. 19, 2005]

Cheap Video Reviews: The Adventures of Dr. Fu Manchu

The Adventures of Dr. Fu Manchu.

Suggeted Retail Price - $9.95. 
My Cost at the 99 Cent Only Store - 99 cents

The Adventures of Dr. Fu Manchu was a television series in the 1950s. Compared to the other 99 cent DVD selections, this was the only item that looked even slightly interesting.

The DVD includes 4 complete episodes:

1. The Death Ship of Dr. Fu Manchu
2. The Prisoner of Dr. Fu Manchu
3. The Master Plan of Dr. Fu Manchu      
4. The Golden God of Dr. Fu Manchu

Based on these four episodes, the premise of the series is that Dr. Fu Manchu heads a secret criminal society (who's "goal is chaos") which uses their illegally gained wealth to destroy civilization at an international level. One episode shows Dr. Fu Manchu pumping poison gas into an international peace meeting and another shows him trying to provoke a nuclear war between the East & the West.

When one character asks Dr. Fu Manchu, "What can you possibly gain by destroying all civilization as we know it?" Dr. Fu Manchu simply replies, "POWER!!"

Dr. Fu Manchu's inner-circle consists of Dr. Fu Manchu himself; Karamanch, his lovely assistant; and an exotic midget assistant and spy.

Dr. Fu Manchu.

Karamanch.

Evil assistant.

Each episode also involves protagonists Dr. John Petrie & his assistant and secretary, Betty Leonard. They work for a U.S. govt. organization and are supervised by, "Sir Dennis." They somehow always find themselves in the middle of a new Dr. Fu Manchu scheme.

Dr. Petrie & Betty Leonard.

In the history of television, I think it's rare to find a series with a villain as the lead character, and Dr. Fu Manchu is a true villain's villain. As crafty as he is wealthy, Dr. Fu Manchu injects his victims with "oriental tarantula venom" so they appear to have been killed by a spider. In one episode he implies that he is a "Doctor" of torture methods. His accent is great. At times it is completely unintelligible, but he still seems a devious genius. One episode refers to him as "the devil himself."

Each episode's opening credits depict Dr. Fu Manchu playing chess as a narrator discusses black and white in terms of good and evil. The narrator finally announces, "They say the devil plays with men's souls, so does Dr. Fu Manchu - Satan himself, evil incarnate" (which is pretty accurate, judging from the 4 episodes collected here).

Opening credits.

Episode 1: The Death Ship of Dr. Fu Manchu

Aside from Dr. Fu Manchu's inner-circle, this adventure involves another associate who I refer to as Saddam Hussein because he looks a lot like him.

This is a pretty straightforward episode. Dr. Fu Manchu is trying to smuggle germ warfare bacteria cultures around the world by injecting them into melons to sneak them through customs.

The nature of this particular bacteria is one that can only have been engineered in the United States and Dr. Fu Manchu hopes to undermine U.S. credibility by framing them as developers of illegal biological weapons.

Consulting with "Sadaam."

Injecting a melon with bacteria for smuggling purposes.

Space doesn't permit in-depth discussion, but skipping to the end of the episode, U.S. agents in white suits bust in on Saddam Hussein who is in the process of torturing a man next to the melon cargo. Backed into a corner, Sadaam holds up a melon and exclaims, "Do you know what's in this melon? Before you pull the trigger, I'll splatter it all over the room!"

In the struggle that ensues, many melons are broken. Saddam Hussein escapes to to Dr. Fu Manchu's layer and collapses on the floor, dying from exposure to the lethal bacteria cultures. Karamanch and the evil assistant are packing up files and evidence in the background as Dr. Fu Manchu torches the place before retreating. Later, gator.

Episode 2:  The Prisoner of Dr. Fu Manchu

The Prison of Dr. Fu Manchu.

This episode opens with a great hypnotism scene: Dr. Petrie's personal assistant, Betty Leonard, is somehow in Dr. Fu Manchu's layer with the evil assistant shining a flashing light in her face while Dr. Fu Manchu plants post hypnotic suggestions in her subconscious.

Apparently there is a huge international peace summit going on and Dr. Fu Manchu plans to plant a vial of poison in Betty's purse. When a prestigious international peace leader (pictured above) arrives, Betty is instructed to inject him with the poison, though she will consciously think it is medicine.

Dr. Fu Manchu's plot in this episode is simply to "disrupt the Conference of Nations."

After sending Betty on her way, Dr. Fu Manchu reflects on the unreliability of women and tells Karamanch, "If there is any weakness in my plan, it is because I have made use of a woman."
.

As events unfold, Betty does inject the peace leader with Dr. Fu Manchu's poison, but is stopped by authorities before injecting the entire vial, so half of the peace leader's body is paralyzed, but he is still alive.

Betty is taken in for psychological evaluation and we are treated to a great scene in which a government psychiatrist is putting her through some word association exercises. He says one word, then she says the first thing that pops into her head, so the conversation goes roughly something like:

Psychiatrist: "dog"

Betty: "cat"

Psychiatrist: "ample"

Betty: "Dr. Fu Manchu"

Psychiatrist: "Why did you say 'Dr. Fu Manchu'??"

Betty: "I don't know!!"

!!!

As the International Peace Conference resumes, we see that Dr. Fu Manchu has bugged the conference room and is secretly observing the proceedings on his home television set from the comfort of his criminal lair. Foiled this time, but already plotting for next time.

This episode is also notable for the head-massage scene between Karamanch and Dr. Fu Manchu.

Head massage.

Episode 3: The Master Plan of Dr. Fu Manchu

This episode was the most outrageous of the four. It begins with Dr. Fu Manchu's inner-circle watching movies in their criminal lair. As the camera moves to the movie screen, it is apparent they are watching movies about Adolf Hitler's 3rd Reich.

Watching Hitler movies.

Toward the end of their films (showing battalions of marching Nazis), Dr. Fu Manchu comments, "A great period in the history of the world. Perhaps the greatest. A man with a master plan to rule the world. Catastrophic that time ran out on him."

Karamanch: "What a pity the plan died with the man and was lost to the world."

Dr. Fu Manchu: "But it did not die with him, my Karamanch."

!!!

At first, I thought this scene was just to show that Dr. Fu Manchu was evil to the core, but as events unfold, we find out that Hitler's death was actually faked and Hitler been living in a secret lab for ten years studying atomic energy (with a huge portrait of himself hanging over his equipment).

Hitler portrait in secret lab.

Dr. Fu Manchu arranges the kidnapping of world famous plastic surgeon, Dr. Harlan Henderson (and it's hilarious to hear Dr. Fu Manchu try to pronounce the name). When Dr. Harlan Henderson discovers he is to give a plastic surgery makeover to Hitler, he totally loses it and exclaims, "You won't get away with this! My secretary knows where I am!" So Dr. Fu Manchu forces Dr. Henderson to call his secretary and tell her he's on a secret mission for the government and won't be back for a few days.

The secretary isn't suspicious at all and announces to Dr. Henderson's supervisor, "Dr. Henderson is on a secret mission for the government and will be gone for a few days."

The plastic surgery is a success, and the made-over Hitler is finally revealed:

The new Hitler.

The new Hitler is a pleasure to watch. He has a German accent and keeps working himself into a frenzy and yelling like he always did in his WWII era speeches.

Meanwhile, Dr. Petrie and Betty make their way to Dr. Fu Manchu's layer while attempting to locate Dr. Henderson (who's body has since been dumped in a river). They find Dr. Henderson's surgery room where they notice, "all the latest surgical equipment" and a copy of Mein Kampf.

The scene shifts to Hitler yelling, "Schnell! Schnell!" as a handful of Nazi soldiers enter the lab.
The end gets confusing, but basically, Hitler dies once and for all in an explosion while Dr. Fu Manchu escapes. One soldier comments that while Hitler, "stayed to fight...Dr. Fu Manchu started to show the [yellow?] streak that ran down his back".

Episode 4:  The Golden God of Dr. Fu Manchu

Dr. Fu Manchu uncovers a spy within his organization (named "Viciente"), who he is in the process of torturing while sharing how his organization is funded by selling arms and drugs. He also talks abou thow he, most recently, collided two trains together and heisted their cargo of solid gold.

Dr. Fu Manchu states, "You've been anxious to cast your eyes on my Gold, so you shall" and then sticks a pair of tongs into an oven and removes a newly minted red hot gold bar which he then presses against Viciente's forehead.

Torturing Viciente.

Branding Viciente.

I dozed off towards the end of this episode, but two other things did catch my attention:

1. A U.S. agent throws a cigarette butt on the ground and then a Chinese dock worker picks it up and finishes smoking it.

2. Dr. Fu Manchu talking to one of his cronies (Mr. Morgan):

   Dr. Fu Manchu: Your friends may die laughing at your humor, but I think I prefer just the reverse reaction."

   Mr. Morgan: "I didn't know you were so touchy."

   Dr. Fu Manchu: "I am very touchy, Mr. Morgan."

I thought it was pretty honest of him to admit that.

At the end of each episode, when Dr. Fu Manchu is thwarted, they play stock footage of him picking up a black piece from his chessboard, breaking it in half (with a strained but determined look on his face), and tossing the two pieces down on the board.

Overall, The Adventures of Dr. Fu Manchu - 4 Full-Length Episodes is well worth 99 cents.

[ Reviewed November, 2005. ]