Cheap Video Reviews: Under California Stars

Under California Stars.

DVD. 1948.

I picked this up at the 99 Cent Store after reading on the back that Trigger gets kidnapped. My interest was piqued.

While the DVD cover features a black and white still, the actual movie is in full color, so right away I was surprised by this film experience.

Smartest horse in the movies.

Under California Stars opens with footage of the Western range while Bob Nolan & The Sons of the Pioneers sing, "Under California Stars," a fine cowboy song.


Roy's horse, Trigger, gets equal credit to the man himself. They are both billed as the film's two stars. In the credits, Trigger's name carries the byline, "The smartest horse in the movies."

Trigger's trailer.

Roy plays himself in this film, a "cowboy movie star" with a 10 year long career.

As the film opens, Roy is wrapping up a movie shoot and plans to return to his ranch for a 10 year anniversary radio broadcast. He's driving along with Trigger in a horse trailer. After the opening song concludes, we see Roy approach his final destination: The Roy Rogers Ranch.

When they arrive at the ranch, the cowhands all go ape shit. They're running around dropping things and yelling at each other - "Hey, Cookie!...Hey Bob!...I saw him comin'!...He's comin' down the road!!"

"I wonder if Roy & Trigger changed since they became movie stars?"

Roy's home!

"Not Roy! He'll always be the same old horse rancher."

Suddenly, Cookie starts playing the piano and they all spontaneously break into song. And in this case, that particular song is called, "Roy Rogers, the King of the Cowboys."

As Roy walks in to see singing cowboys, his face just completely lightens up as if he'd just entered paradise itself.

After greeting everybody, they all run out to put Roy's car in the garage and let Trigger out of the Trailer. They are something like servants and this film is very much about Roy being a wealthy big shot. He hires and fires people all over the place when he isn't riding horses around on his ranch. It is always clear that everybody else in Roy's circle is employed by Roy. This may have been a 10th anniversary film (that is an ongoing theme) and perhaps he is just celebrating his success. There certainly is nothing shady about him. He just owns everything.

A talk with Cookie.

Next, Roy has a private talk with Cookie after learning that Cookie has hired a bunch of his cousins to work on the ranch. Nepotism doesn't sit well with Roy and he starts in on Cookie, "Cookie, if you don't quit hiring your relatives..." But the threat is interrupted by excited ranch hands. Apparently somebody has been abducting wild horses for their meat and hides. While this is not illegal, Roy and his posse head out to make sure they aren't taking any of Roy's ranch horses.

Roy sees a man lasso a horse, then knock it unconscious by whacking it in the head with a rifle butt! When the man sees Roy, he sneers, "Well Well...I should've known. Roy Rogers, the movie cowboy."

Roy immediately beats the shit out of this man, proving he is the real deal.

Pop Jordan's.

The criminal element in this movie centers around Pop Jordan's ("Horses Bought and Sold") and the film takes us over there next, where we meet Pop Jordan himself, an otherwise upstanding citizen who is thieving horses on the side. We also meet the film's young protagonist, Ted Carver & his dog, Tramp. Tramp jumps up on Pop's desk, causing Pop to exclaim, "Get that flea-bitten Australian coyote out of here!!!", which is a pretty funny thing for a guy to say.

It is in Pop Jordan's shop where the head horse thief, 'Lije (as in Elijah - he is also Ted Carver's step father) get the big idea to kidnap Trigger for a ransom.

Carolyn, the attractive horse trainer.

Back at Roy's Ranch, we meet another of Cookie's cousins, the attractive Carolyn who Cookie has hired as a horse trainer.

When she meets Roy face to face, Carolyn passes out from excitement. Roy catches her & comments to Cookie, "I can tell she's your relative; she weighs a ton".

Cut to the next day - Cookie is looking for the ranch hands and finds them all slacking in the stable. All the cowboys are hanging out in Trigger's stable, just adoring this great horse. One is brushing Trigger's mane, and the rest are playing cards. They all begin singing a cowboy ballad about "the cowboy and the coyote" and it's a fine song.

Roy enters the stable during the song and it just brings joy to Roy Rogers' heart when he hears cowboys singing. He is utterly delighted.

"As long as you haven't run away from home."

Next, Roy spots Ted Carver & his dog, Tramp. He picks them up, one at a time, and sits them on a bale of hay. Ted wants a job working for Roy and Roy doesn't mind at all, "as long as you haven't run away from home."

Back at Pop's, 'Lije is being reemed out - "That kid of yours is up at Rogers Ranch, asking about a job!"

The cattle rustlers decide to take advantage of the situation to get ahold of Trigger. They visit the ranch and act thrilled that the kid will be working and living with Roy instead of living at home with his step-father, which I guess would be perfectly reasonable in the cowboy subculture:

Ted: "You mean I can stay? You aren't mad at me?"
'Lije: "For runnin' away? NOoo! Noooo!!"

The film's big moment of levity occurs in the form of a race between horse and dog. Trigger and Tramp race each other, running down a long dirt road at full speed. The little dog is going so fast, you can hardly see his feet and everyone is going crazy yelling, "C'mon, Trigger!!" and "C'mon, Tramp!!"  Of course, Trigger wins.

10th anniversary radio broadcast.

Cut to Roy's 10th anniversary radio broadcast - Roy cuts a cake and comments, "It's so pretty, I kinda hate to cut it". Then, of course, he leads a chorus of cowboys in song.

While otherwise good-natured and sort of a harmless buffoon, Cookie may be part German as well, because he holds no love for children at all. During the celebration, we see Cookie smack Ted's hand when he makes a grab for a piece of cake. Under the table, however, Cookie is feeding cake to the boy's dog, Tramp. At another point in the film, Cookie says to Roy (regarding Ted), "He's not one of us! We were bigger than him when we were born!"

A bloody gash.

What a thing to say!

Rough stuff.

During this celebration of Roy's career, however; back on Roy's ranch, the kidnappers are going after Trigger! They also rough up Ted, and pistol-whip the dog, Tramp, right in the head; leaving a realistic bloody gash.

They tell Ted that if he mentions anything about this, they're going to blow his head off.

The capture of Trigger.

Horse Thieving Tip -  As the kidnappers approach Trigger, their leader exclaims, "Not that way! He'll kick your brains out! Rope that mare and lead her out, he'll follow her.

So they lasso Trigger, who rears up on his hind legs heroically, but to no avail.

The headlines!

The next day's headline reads: "Trigger Kidnaped".

Pop's ransom note.

The radio announcer describes widespread searches, "by plane, automobile, and horse".
Meanwhile, Pop is hard at work on a ransom note.

One rustler (the one who Roy beat up earlier) opines, "$100,000?? I think that's too high! Why don't we ask for $10,000?". He apparently doesn't appreciate Trigger's celebrity value. Roy arranges for his Hollywood movie studio deliver him $100,000 and then sings Ted Carver a sad cowboy lullaby in Spanish.

This moment of peace is short lived as the rustler (the one who Roy beat up earlier) breaks up the song at gunpoint. He tries to undercut Pop and says he'll tell Roy where Trigger is for $10,000 instead of $100,000.

Then he is promptly shot through the window. Right in the back! For double-dealing!

Cookie has been writing the movie's title song, "Under California Stars", but is too choked up to perform it. Then, like that wasn't bad enough, the sheriff refuses to let Roy pay the ransom because he doesn't want to encourage the rustlers to pull similar stunts in the future. Even though Roy is freaking rich and argues that $100,000 is nothing compared to Trigger's life; he does finally see the sheriff's point. So they hatch a plan to use fake money and trace it back to the kidnappers.

"Under California Stars."

Before they set off though, Roy joins Carolyn in a verse of Cookie's "Under California Stars".

Roy likes the song so much he agrees to use it in his movie. He then fires Cookie for "writing songs on ranch time", then immediately hires him to come to Hollywood as his song-writer.

Cookie faints just like his cousin Carolyn did earlier. Roy has that kind of power over people. As Cookie recovers, he is murmuring, "Hollywood. Swimming pools. Lights. Girls!"

Then everyone goes after the kidnappers. Well, there's a lot of crap footage here, then finally the counterfeiters bullwhip Trigger until he goes inside their cabin so nobody sees him. Trigger finally complies, but only after bringing his hooves down on one man, crippling him for life.

When they discover the ransom money is counterfeit, it is time to kill Trigger. 'Lije pulls out a shotgun (though I find it impossible to accept somebody would shoot a horse with a shotgun INSIDE a cabin - that just seems crazy to me). He comments to the other horse thieves, "Boys, get your shovels. We gotta bury the evidence."

Horse following dog.

Suddenly, Ted Carver shows up with the real ransom money. He hands it over in exchange for Trigger's life. Pop decides to take the money & burn the cabin down with Trigger & Ted inside it. The guy that Trigger crippled yells out, "Hey! How about me!! I can't move!" Then he is immediately shot.

Now, on the day that Pop wrote Trigger's ransom note, Ted Carver & Tramp visited his office. Tramp got in the trash as usual and now Roy discover's where Tramp stockpiles all the garbage he steals.
While going through various items and laughing - Pop's glove, a boot - Roy finds the newspaper cut up for the ransom note! And he goes apeshit! No time to sing, they are on their way!!!

More horses following horse.

Tramp is let out of the house because they know he'll run straight to Ted Carver, wherever he may be.

The next scene is thrilling!! It consists of a dog running full speed with Roy Rogers following on a horse, and finally about ten cowboys chasing after Roy.

So, to make things short, big shoot out, big chase scene - finally 'Lije and Pop are the only ones unaccounted for. 'Lije shoots Pop on the Northern Trail and Roy hears the shot and beats the shit out of 'Lije.

Then suddenly, Pop reappears and hoots 'Lije for double crossing him and then dies from his wounds, so everybody is happy.

Happy Trails, Roy!

Next thing we know, Roy is heading back to Hollywood with Ted Carver up front and his new song-writer, Cookie, in the back with the dog, Tramp. The ranch-hands stay behind, keeping an eye on things until Roy's return.

Comments - Under California Stars was ok. It had its moments and a couple of enjoyable musical numbers. Definitely worth 99 cents.

I admire Roy and I also really liked the film's strong "Don't be a double-crosser" message, though Cookie often over-acted. This makes me think I might enjoy other Roy Rogers films. We may or may not ever know.

[ Reviewed February, 2006. ]

Cheap Video Reviews: Get Christie Love

Get Christie Love.

DVD. 1975.
I picked this up at the 99 Cent Store and had pretty high expectations which it did not live up to.
Get Christie Love was shot in 1975 and it really has all the indications of a made for TV movie, rather than a theatrical release. There are frequent fade-outs that just beg for a commercial break. 

Aside from the gritty intro, the rest of the movie feels like filler. There isn't much of a story line, it's just Christie Love trying to find a drug lord's "ledger" which records all his contacts and shipment times & places

Gritty opening scene.

The film's various "detective work" scenarios seem more an excuse to show Christie in different outfits and interacting with different people from various walks of life. There isn't much to the story and most of the scenes could be dropped and it wouldn't hurt the story at all. I actually dozed off about half way through and had to watch the 2nd half later.

I also think this film was made during the height of the 70s Kung-Fu craze. In one scene, the drug lords are watching a Chinese karate movie and the leader comments, "Let me tell you about Japan, it's going to take over the world with its transistors and now these movies."

Captain Riorden.

Anyway, Christie Love is a cop, though as the film opens, the viewer thinks she's a hooker because she's undercover.

Christie's main companion in this film is her supervisor, Captain Riorden. While part of the establishment, Capt. Riorden is also hip for his age. He smokes cigarettes constantly and occasionally reveals a subtle tendency toward grooviness in his personality which comes out occasionally when he gets worked up and says stuff like, "You dig?"

Capt. Riorden & Christie Love, you dig?

Capt. Riorden is also pro-sex. He is scrupulously professional in his dealings with Christie Love, except for when they're not on a case. Then he constantly attempts to get in her panties.

Outside Christie Love's apartment.

In one scene, he takes Christie Love out to a restaurant called "The Broken Drum - You Can't Beat It". Then he walks her home and tries to talk her into letting him into her apartment for a drink, but Christie Love is a good girl at heart and never gives in. Captain Riorden is no smooth talker and he doesn't even try to be. He just says, "Can I come in for a drink?" which isn't a very charming thing to hear (especially from your boss).

Christie Love in Florida.

The first totally unnecessary scene is when Capt. Riorden sends Christie Love to Florida. He wants her to find something out about who might have the Drug Lord's shipment ledger.

Mingling with the locals.

Surprisingly, Christie actually locates the Drug Lord's main lady (they are staying in the same hotel)! And then Christie Love just blatantly asks her where the drug lord keeps his ledger of contacts and shipment times/locations! Needless to say, the lady doesn't tell her.

In the next scene, she is back home in the police office and Capt. Riorden can't believe she just asked where the ledger was. He takes her off the case and puts her on "the pick pocket force" as punishment.

Chewed out by the boss.

Christie's response is to call the head of the pick pocket force and tell him she's sick. She then puts on a metal-studded denim jacket and matching skin-tight pants and goes out on more "detective work."

I couldn't follow exactly what she was doing or looking for here, the main interest is just watching Christie Love out on the streets. To gain entry into a wealthy home, she flashes her badge at a maid, who comments in disbelief, "Are you jivin' me??"

Are you jivin' me?

All we really learn over the next 45 minutes is that Christie Love is a straight cop and she is cool, but not uptight. Instead of arresting a teenager for smoking marijuana, Christie Love just advises her, "I'd cool it with the grass".

There's some cool footage of an AA meeting in the mid-70s and Christie Love eats a HUGE plate full of spaghetti for dinner and has a fish named Clarence.

That's about as interesting as it gets, even Christie Love's and Capt. Riorden's sexual tension is boring. In one scene, they are in a criminal's house and while Capt. Riorden is sitting on the guy's bed, Christie Love turns a switch which starts playing jungle drums and flashing groovy lights over the bed:

Christie Love: "Turn you on?"
Capt. Riorden: "Turn you on?"
Christie Love: "You're a regular Don Juan aren't you?"
Capt. Riorden: "How would you know?"
Christie Love: ::smiles::

Somewhere in this hour of crap is a pretty funny piece of dialog, my favorite in the entire movie. Christie Love is trying to get some adoption information from her friend, Child Adoption Case-Worker, Myron Jones:

Myron: "When a couple adopts a child, they are assured that the natural mother will never..."
Christie Love: "Now you're acting like a natural mother!"

Christie Love again shows she has a heart of gold when the child's real natural mother has been shot and Christie Love drives her out to the school football field (instead of a hospital) so she can see her kid one time before she dies.

Real natural mother: "So that's my boy."
Christie Love: "He's a real good kid too."
Real natural mother: ::dies::

Finally, the film ends with a drug bust. Captain Riorden and Christie Love are on the smugglers' trail (apparently they found the ledger, I wasn't paying much attention at this point) and they track them to a movie house where a thug is screwing around with a film projector. Then, amazingly, a bunch of bags of cocaine fall out!

Captain Riorden holds up two bags of dope and exclaims, "Now, that's a VERY dirty movie!"

"Now, THAT'S a VERY dirty movie!" 

When he's taking Christie Love home, Capt. Riorden tries to get into her apartment again. Insisting she let him in for a drink.

Christie replies, "Well, maybe just one. But that's my limit."

Then it is over.

Commentary: Ehhhh....it was ok. I like watching Christie Love run around. The story was almost non-existent though. I'd rather watch an old episode of Kojak. I will mail this DVD to anybody who wants it.

[ Reviewed January, 2006. ]

Cheap Video Reviews: The Great Rupert

DVD. 1950.

While The Great Rupert features a stop-motion animated squirrel brought to life by the talented George Pal—who also crafted the special effects for War of the Worlds and When Worlds Collide—the film itself starts off at a languid pace. Surprisingly, the squirrel turns out to be one of the movie's least entertaining plot devices.

The story kicks off with washed-up vaudeville performer Joe Mahoney, who plays the accordion and sings a song about "Rupert" while the titular squirrel, dressed in an adorable plaid kilt, dances on a table. However, when Joe gets a visit from big-shot Broadway agent Bill Davis, his enthusiasm is quickly dampened. Bill is unimpressed by the dancing squirrel and declares that he wants something grander, something like a lion, dismissing Rupert as "just a little pipsqueak squirrel that anybody can see at any time."

Joe Mahoney.

Joe Mahoney protests, "Rupert is almost human!", but Bill is unmoved. He leaves and Joe is kicked out of his apartment. Sucks.

Joe removes Rupert's stage outfit and sets him free in a park, reassuring the squirrel, "You'll be the life of the party doing the somersaults and all the cute little tricks that I taught you, Now, beat it!"

The scene shifts to Louis Amandola (played by Jimmy Durante) and his family: Mrs. Amandola and their daughter Rosalinda. They are a former vaudeville act, "The Amandola Trio").

Rupert the squirrel.

Stamps only cost three cents each (!) when they made this movie because Mr. Amandola is reading his final bank notice which states, "We feel it is hardly worth three cents to tell you you have two cents." 

And to make things worse, it is almost Christmas and Rosalinda can hardly walk because she has outgrown her shoes and they are pinching her feet.

This desperate group encounters Joe Mahoney and they make a little small talk. Jimmy Durante spouts a lot of random schtick that I think he just ad-libbed. Like, "We gave a performance the audience will never forget! Because they were elephants! HaHaHa!" Everybody laughs hysterically at this, not just Jimmy Durante, because it is a pretty funny joke. 

Anyway, since Joe is kicked out of his apartment they decide to move in since it only costs $32 per month (even though they are also broke). Joe totally walks out of the movie at this point.

Meanwhile, Rupert is having a hard time getting back to nature. Similar to a scene in Santa Claus, Rupert is chased up a tree by a mean dog. He crawls into a hole in the tree, but is then chased out by a fake owl. He runs through traffic and then ultimately ends up returning to Joe's old apartment.

The apartment isn't as peaceful as it was when Rupert left, because he returns to find the landlord's son, Peter Dingle, sitting in the vacant apartment playing the tuba.

Peter Dingle practicing the tuba.

Soon, the Amandolas arrive. When Peter Dingle sees Rosalinda, he can't keep his eyes off her, so he lets them move in. He keeps pressuring them for advance payment of the rent. When none of Mr. Amandola's jokes seem to distract him, Rosalinda tells him she has to change her clothes which totally embarrasses him. He leaves immediately (he also leaves his tuba behind in their apartment).

The landlord, Mr. Dingle, is furious with his son for not getting the rent in advance. He chews him out pretty severely - "Honor, Charity, Love-Thy-Neighbor....Everything but money! What did money ever do to you??" This scene establishes the fact that Mr. Dingle is a tightwad.

"My shoes pinch me feet so, Peter."

The chemistry between Peter Dingle and Rosalinda can not be denied. He asks her to go on a walk with him, but she has to refuse because her shoes pinch her feet too much for serious walking - So Peter gives her a pair of his mother's shoes (!) and even though they are too big, at least they don't pinch her feet.

When they spot Mr. Dingle coming out of a bank, Rosalinda confides, "I've never been in a bank!" 
Mr. Dingle was in the bank cashing a weekly $1,500 check he gets from a goldmine he owns. He then stashes the money in the floorboards of his house because he doesn't trust banks. He won't even tell his wife where he hides his money specifically because he doesn't want her to give it to his son.

Now the action starts rolling. Snow is coming in through the broken skylight in the Amandolas' apartment as Mama Amandola is praying to God out of total financial despair. She's praying upwards, facing the ceiling rafters and Rupert apparently thinks she is talking to him because he goes into the wall and retrieves Mr. Dingle's money stash and drops it down on her, bill by bill, in imitatation of the falling snow. Mrs. Amandola thinks the money is a Christmas miracle from God. She removes her apron and runs out the door.

Soon, the Amandolas have acquired a giant Christmas tree and Rosalinda has baked a turkey while wearing brand new shoes. When Mr. Amandola witnesses this scenario, he is afraid Mrs. Amandola sold her wedding ring. Next, he assumes the money must have been given to her by another man who at one point in the past was interested in her romantically.

Mrs Amandola: "That was 22 years ago!"

Mr. Amandola: "I don't care how long ago it was! I never trust a man in a tuxedo! Especially a rented one!"

The next time Peter and Rosalinda are out walking, Peter learns that Rosalinda plays the harp and decides to compose a musical piece for the harp and tuba (titled, Melody of Two Orphan Instruments).

Cut to Christmas morning: The Amandolas pay a visit to the Dingles and pay 3 months' rent in advance. Peter and Mr. Amandola find they are wearing the same tie and share the following bonding moment:

"Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!"

Peter: "We have the same ties on!"

Mr. Amandola: "It could be a lot worse! If we was girls wearing the same dresses!!"

Once the rent is paid, everybody is happy and Mr. Amandola has his way with the Dingles' piano without even asking permission. He starts with "Jingle Bells" then starts adding some old vaudeville shtick, which really gets everything hopping.

Next, Peter and Rosalinda perform Melody of Two Orphan Instruments for their families and anybody else who is interested.

Melody of Two Orphan Instruments.

Rosalinda: "It's lovely."

Peter: "So are you."

Finally, big shot Broadway agent, Bill Davis, shows up. Everybody wants to get into Rosalinda's panties and Mr. Davis is no exception. He stares at her constantly while he's talking to her.

Bill Davis: "You live here?"

Bill Davis and Rosalinda.

Rosalinda: "Yes."

Bill Davis: "Alone?"

Rosalinda: "With my parents."

Bill Davis: "Oh. Well. That's nice."

Mr. Amandola decides to impress Bill Davis with his juggling. He states, "I can juggle 25 plates with one hand. And with the other hand, I pick up the broken ones". Then he immediately starts juggling nuts and tossing them way up in the rafters, where Rupert snags one. Bill Davis is impressed, thinking Mr. Amandola was doing a magic trick.

Bill Davis is crazy for Rosalinda and takes her out to, "a chinese dinner." They don't get home until after midnight. Ms. Amandola is worried about her daughter while Mr. Amandola comments, "Nothing will happen to her. She's with a man."

Peter is going apeshit and decides he needs to get a job immediately so he can compete with the wealthy Bill Davis. He walks out to a drug store (after midnight) and wakes up the owner who surprisingly agrees to give him a job serving customers at the soda fountain.

Rosalinda is now dating Bill Davis regularly. She tries to pull some strings, she claims to have written Medley of Two Orphan Instruments under the pen name "Peter Dingle" and Bill agrees to get it recorded for her. When she tries to tell Peter at the soda fountain, Bill Davis barges in, calls the soda fountain a "dump", and makes her leave. Poor Peter Dingle.

The Amandolas.

In the next scene, we see a well-dressed Mr. Amandola squandering what remains of their $1,500. He has purchased a polar bear rug for the apartment and when you turn one of its teeth, its eyes light up and a recording of a brass band playing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" blares out of its head!

Mrs. Amandola doesn't approve, but Mr. Amandola feels it "lends an air of quality to the place." Comments such as this are apparently a sore spot for Mrs. Amandola, because she starts bringing up old shit about how whenever they get ahead, Mr. Amandola squanders everything. 
Then we're treated to the following family financial dialogue:

Mr. Amandola: "Do what you did a week ago! Pray!!"

Mrs. Amandola: "Well, I am praying! Every hour of the day! But if it's money you want me to pray for..."

Rosalinda: "Why not mother? It's worth a try!"

Mrs. Amandola: "Well...Well...I just wouldn't have the nerve to ask again."

Mr. Amandola: "Just ask and let Heaven make up its mind!"

Rosalinda: "Say the same thing you said before!"

Mrs. Amandola: "I said Rosalinda needed a new pair of shoes. But now she doesn't. She has four pair already!"

Mr. Amandola: "When you say she needs shoes, that doesn't mean she really needs them! It's like when you play dice! A guy says, 'Baby needs a new pair of shoes'. It doesn't mean she needs them. It's just a disfigurement of speech."

So Mrs. Amandola tries it again, with Mr. Amandola and Rosalinda by her side. She prays, "Please help us, Rosalinda needs shoes. She needs them real bad".

It just so happens that Mr. Dingle is placing a new stash of cash into the floorboards at that very moment. Thinking their prayer has been denied, Mr. Amandola and Rosalinda leave to return the polar bear rug and as they walk out the door, Mrs. Amandola looks to the Heavens and prays, "Please forgive me for telling a lie. Rosalinda doesn't really need shoes." Then Rupert drops another $1,500 on her! She calls in her husband & Rosalinda and everybody is thrilled.

Mrs. Amandola: "It happened last week at this time!"

Mr. Amandola: "All you gotta do is sit in that old rocker every Thursday at 3:30 and say 'Rosalinda needs new shoes'! $1,500!! It's funny how simple life can be!"

It goes on like this for weeks and the Amandolas start contributing to charities. They donate $1,000 to buy new shoes for children in Europe!!

Meanwhile, down at the soda fountain, the townspeople are getting suspicious. They notice that, while the Amandolas never go to work, they are swimming in cash.

Bill Davis' bigass car.

One man suggests they are gangsters. A woman suggests they are printing counterfeit money at home. They discuss calling the FBI.

An observant fat gentleman comments, "A man comes to see their daughter every day in a big car", suggesting the Amandolas are getting rich by prostituting their daughter and, "contaminating the whole community".

Unfortunately for that man, Peter happens to be working behind the counter and, blinded by rage, smashes a "Banana Delight" ice cream sunday into the man's face. Peter then storms out of the soda fountain and goes straight to a bar.

Peter's Irish friend, Mulligan, is at the bar and notices Peter is distraught. He is the sensitive type and observes, "You're hurt, Peter. Who hurt you boy?" Then he offers to let Peter in on an oil well deal that will make him rich.

Rosalinda's and Peter's love scene.

Next is Peter and Rosalinda's big love scene. Regarding Peter's financial worries, Rosalinda states, "Mama and Papa didn't have any money when they first met and it was the happiest time of their life".

Peter replies, "But I don't even juggle".

Mr. Amandola is eavesdropping and totally approves of his daughter's relationship with Peter Dingle. He also offers to front Peter the $2,000 required to get in on Mulligan's oil well deal.

The next day, the feds come knocking:  the local police, the IRS, and the FBI all arrive at the same time! Mr. Amandola tries to bullshit them all, but they are unmoved. Finally, Mrs. Amandola tells them their money comes from God and she will prove it next Thursday at 3:00. So they all agree to return then. Something major happens before that appointment though.

The Amandolas are flourishing in the community - they own a furniture store, florist shop, and a cleaning business and Mr. Dingle keeps raising their rent on them. They don't want to move elsewhere though, because they're afraid their prayers won't work at another location. So, tensions are pretty heated between the two men when Mr. Dingle tells Mr. Amandola, "No son of mine will ever marry a girl of your daughter's reputation!"

Conflict!

When he hears this, Mr. Amandola hurls Mrs. Amandola's prayer chair at Mr. Dingle, shattering it against the wall!

Even worse, Mr. Dingle's gold mine goes dry. So he won't be stashing anymore weekly $1,500 profits into the floorboards anymore.

When the 3:00 "proof" meeting comes around with the police, FBI, and IRS agents. The prayer meeting is a failure as Mrs. Amandola looks to the Heavens saying, "Rosalinda needs new shoes". 

 Nothing happens, of course, and the cops and feds don't think it's funny to be jerked around like this.

While they are arguing about who gets to take Mr. Amandola into physical custody, Mr. Amandola juggles his last cigarette which is snagged from the rafters by Rupert who scurries off into the wall with it. Soon the house is on fire and Mr. Dingle walks into a little bit of smoke and cries out, "Help! I'm choking!" As the house burns down, Mr. Dingle mentions he isn't insured, then he mentions the $1,500 per week he was stashing in the floorboards and then the Amandolas all look at each other like, "Aha! It wasn't God after all!"

All loose ends are resolved immediately and the situation ends positively for everyone:

Mr. Amandola does the right thing and offers to replace Mr. Dingle's uninsured house.

A fireman walks out of the burning house carrying a dead squirrel (!) but the fire chief notices it isn't really dead, it is just tired from smoke inhalation. The fireman places Rupert in a tree in the (apparently) nearby park where he can recover in peace.

The Feds and police decide everything is too confusing to prosecute and they all just leave.

Bill Davis pulls up in his bigass car and Melody of Two Orphan Instruments is playing on the radio!

Joe Mahoney: Back in the saddle.

At the same time, Mulligan tells Peter the oil investment paid off and they are both rich!

Mr. Dingle and Mr. Amandola are now great friends and they hug.

Joe Mahoney (gone since the beginning of the film) gets off a bus in the park and starts playing the accordion and singing the Rupert song. This revives Rupert and they are back in action!

Mahoney got a circus gig playing accordion while Rupert dances. The show is an instant hit and Rupert the Squirrel is soon headlining - his name is larger than even the clowns and trapeze artists!

Rupert is a star.

The Great Rupert: Star of the Circus.

I like that nobody even knows about Rupert throughout the entire movie (except the absent Joe Mahoney). Mischievous little squirrel.

 "Lost Christmas Classic" - Maybe.

[ Reviewed January, 2006. ]

Cheap Video Reviews: Santa Claus

Filmed at Churubusco-Azteca Studios in Mexico & starring Jose Elias Moreno, Jose Quezadas 'Pulgarcito', and Jose Luis Aguirre.

Purchased at the 99 Cent Store for just 99 cents.

Santa Claus

Right from the start, this film is obviously more than a simple rehash of the usual Santa myth:

1.) For one thing, Santa lives in a castle on a cloud in outer space above the North Pole where he runs an extensive surveillance operation on the children of Earth. At one point, the narrator observes, "Nothing on Earth is unknown to Santa".

Santa's surveillance equipment is oddly anthropomorphic. His radar dish includes a human ear in the center and his audio receiver is a huge moving set of human lips attached to a mechanical control console. I think this is an attempt to suggest a magical element. 

2.) The second notable break with the traditional Santa mythos is the total absence of elves. Instead of elves, Santa's "Toyland" workshop is staffed by volunteer children, one from each nation of the world.

The film opens with the children of the world, one representing each nation, singing songs in their native tongues (most of them completely unenthusiastic) while Santa accompanies them on his organ (extremely enthusiastically). The organ also displays the name of the country associated with whatever musical style Santa is playing at the moment.

When children sing in this movie, it's pretty piss-poor. They mumble and look at their feet. A soundtrack is obviously being played over the film footage. I don't think they are trying to lip sync. It seems like the original singing was just too bad to use, so they needed to record something later.

Most of the children in this movie (with the notable exception of the kid in the sombrero - who I refer to as their "leader") are practically sleepwalking their way through this scene. It works out okay overall though, they actually make Santa seem supernaturally enthusiastic in comparison.

Although Santa Claus is playing the organ, the children aren't necessarily singing Christmas songs, because the American children are dressed like cowboys and they sing "Mary Had A Little Lamb".

Santa is great in this movie, his eyes are extremely expressive, even under his huge beard, and he expresses concern exceptionally well (and often). He laughs almost constantly, frequently at inappropriate times and with a gusto that can come off as maniacal.

Immediately after the film's lengthy musical introduction, the action kicks right in as a Mexican child, holding a toy devil, approaches Santa and asks, "Santa, do you like this devil?" To which Santa expresses sincere concern as he inquires, "Devil?? Who requested that?"

The Devil, Pitch.

The child then lights the devil's tail with a sparkler (!) and the scene immediately shifts to the heart of Hell itself. A Devil (named, "Pitch") is ordered by Lucifer to, "Make all the children of the world do evil or you shall be punished". Pitch promises to "See that the children of the world commit evil deeds and make Santa Claus angry".

I think this is a particularly interesting statement, hinting at a primal rivalry between Lucifer and Santa Claus, as if Santa were God himself. Maybe Santa is just as good as God in the good/evil rankings.

Santa Claus' appeal is enhanced by the inclusion of some notable supporting characters.
Most surprisingly, the wizard Merlin (from Arthurian lore) plays a central role in the film. He is described as "Santa's most devoted helper" and lives in the castle where he crafts magical accessories for Santa. Santa refers to him throughout the movie as "Mr. Merlin" and for some reason, instead of walking like a normal man, Merlin gallops like a kid pretending to be a horse!

Santa & his Key Maker.

It's the odd touches like this that make Santa Claus such an enjoyable film. At the end of the film, when Merlin is rushing to help Santa, he hums the Lone Ranger theme while galloping to the intercom as a concerned child shouts, "Hurry, Mr. Merlin! This is no time to play horsie! Santa is in danger!"

Another character making a brief cameo is Santa's Key Maker - he makes a key that can open any door on Earth and it doesn't even need a keyhole! Santa just touches it to a door, a spark fires off, and the door opens right up!

Little Lupita.

The main supporting character is Lupita - the narrator constantly reminds us that she is poor and the only thing she wants in the world is a doll.

Lupita is just precious. At one point she tells her mother, "I asked Santa for two dolls; and if I get two, I'm going to give one to the Baby Jesus."

Early on in the film, the Devil persuades Lupita to steal a doll, but she almost immediately returns it. The Devil later enters Lupita's dreams and gives her a nightmare in which she is surrounded by dancing dolls in a bunch of fog and the dolls all try to persuade her to do evil, but she consistently holds her ground, emphasizing that she does not want to do evil.

The most enjoyable moments of Santa Claus stem from the shoddy production quality and Santa's overly robust voice. It's an endlessly delightful film to watch, regardless of plot, though there are a few notable plat devices:

1.) When the post office sends mail to Santa, they throw it in their furnace! Then the letters float up to the sky through the chimney! Somehow then, when Santa opens a particular cabinet in his cloud castle, a ton of mail falls on him. He loves it and practically bathes in the letters, laughing and exclaiming "Wonderful! Marvelous! HaHaHa! They don't forget Papa Noel!"

2.) Santa sorts his mail into 3 categories:
     a.) Verdad when it is a true heartfelt letter,
     b.) Falsehoods when it contains a lie, and
     c.) Paris when a child asks for a baby brother or sister.

3.) Santa's sleigh is pulled by fake reindeer that he winds up like toys.

Fake Deer.

4.) If the sun comes up before they return to the castle, the deer will turn to dust! And Santa will starve to death on Earth. He states that he (and the good children who volunteer in his shop) live on "pastries and ice cream made of soft clouds" and that he would be unable to eat Earth food.

When a child asks him what people on Earth eat, Santa responds, "Everything in sight! They eat most of the animals, the plants, the flowers, the roots, even smoke and alcohol!"

Devil's mischief.

The main action of the film concerns the Devil trying to sabotage Santa's delivery route. He's full of dirty tricks, at one point he almost nails Santa in the ass with a blast of fire sent up the chimney.

While the Devil is trying to heat up a door knob so Santa burns his hand, Santa sneaks in the back window and shoots the Devil in the ass with a dart fired from a toy cannon. Santa then laughs hysterically about it.

Mean Dog.

Eventually, the Devil tries to steal Santa's sleigh, but the deer won't obey him - so he decides to sic a mean dog on Santa instead. The dog chases Santa up a tree and the sun will soon be coming up!

The Devil also wakes up the townsfolk, telling them the dog chased a "murderer" up a tree outside, so they all come out with guns.

Dog Distraction.

Santa finally manages to contact Merlin, who suggests he try to use a toy cat from his bag as a decoy to distract the dog while he climbs down from the tree and resumes his delivery route. He tries this, and it works. Wise Merlin!

The last we see of the Devil, he's being chased off by firemen (spraying him with a hose) and the narrator comments, "He'll probably catch pneumonia"; but we know he probably won't.

Santa still has some unfinished business (getting a doll to Lupita's house before the sun comes up) which he accomplishes with no difficulty whatsoever.

Lupita's Father.

Finally, at Lupita's house, just as the sun is coming up and before Lupita is awake, her father comes home and his wife asks him if he had any luck finding work.

??? - What was he doing looking for work in the middle of the night??

Conclusion - Overall, an enjoyable movie. It drags at times, but there is enough novelty value to justify sitting through the dull parts. I'd say watching this movie once per year would be plenty, if not too much.

[ Reviewed December, 2005. ]

Old Man Candy

One of my favorite Christmas traditions is buying a big container of what has come to be known as, "old man candy."

This year, I found 2 pounds for $1.99!

They probably won't make it to Christmas though. I automatically crunch into them as soon as I put them into my mouth.

The grape ones are my favorite. They are also kind of rare.

Second favorite is probably lime.

Least favorite is peppermint.

Sometimes you'll bite into one that tastes kind of like cologne with sugar. It doesn't taste terrible, but it doesn't taste good either.

This batch has a really good one that tastes kind of like cherry cough syrup.

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Dec. 19, 2005]

Glue-All

Bubble gum candy cane, 99 Cent Store.

I think it's weird the hair product I use comes packaged in what looks like a glue bottle. 

It did inspire me to transfer the hair product to a real glue bottle. The motivation is to just feel hardcore when I want to spike my hair.

[ Postscript – After I transferred my hair product to the glue bottle, I transferred the glue to a plastic baggy.  In retrospect, I should’ve put the glue into the hair product dispenser and returned it to the store shelf as a prank. Instead, I put the bag of glue on the train tracks for part of my week-long series, “What Should I Put On the Train Tracks?”, over at The Real World…Blogger Style!  ]

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Dec. 17, 2005]

Cover of Hardcore Magazine

Me, on the cover of Hardcore magazine:

[Originally posted on Rebel Leady Boy, Dec. 7, 2005]