Van Log, 1994: Leaving Indiana

We're all together, our own calendar. Month of Departure the 1st. 

We're finally done talking about it, planning, getting everybody together, and we're on the way right now. The wheels are rolling and we're on the road. We've got pop and cigarettes and we're getting out of working in the garden today. They're growing peppers and tomatoes and tobaccy. Gotta go get the cash and that's it.

Van Crew, '94: Todd, Jonnie, Mel, & Laura. Ready to leave Indiana.

We were planning on leaving earlier, but everybody had shit to do. It wasn't a deadline anyway.

Laura went into Pizza Chef to get her check. We're gonna go into the bank and cash it and it's gonna be a long ride.

We've crossed the 1st border of the trip. We're in Kosciusko County. I may never be back in Whitley County.

First hitchhiker. Maybe. We're going to go talk to him.

Andy! He's going to Chicago. We could take him further if he wanted to.

There's a giant dragon and there's a giant inflatable ape in a used car lot - A NEW car lot!! And there's a big bull. This is the Land of the Giants.

"Valparaiso is - in addition to the huge bull and the huge dragon - there's a huge mound of dirt in the middle of nowhere..."

"It's a huge anthill!"

"But the Bigboy at Azar's was small."

"Maybe compared to the bull he just seemed small."

"Indiana's own Little Texas."

So far, so good. 
Continue to Illinois

Or, go anywhere:  

Van Log '94: A Collective Narrative:

Forward by Todd               South Dakota, pt. 1               Washington

Leaving Indiana                South Dakota, pt. 2               British Columbia

Illinois                               Wyoming                               Hyder, AK (side trip)

Wisconsin                         Montana                                Yukon Territory

Minnesota                         Idaho                                     Alaska

Van Log, 1994: Illinois

Our hitchhiker's parting words: "Life is short and pain is long. We're all put on this Earth to help each other."

We're in Chicago & we dropped Andy off. He's going to the youth hostel, gonna look someone up. We're in the Chicago traffic trying to get on, but it looks pretty bleak. Downtown Chicago viewed from the expressway at a crawl.

We're at a standstill. We're below Zero miles per hour on the speedometer and the Animals are playing on the tape deck. We'll probably hear the whole tape before we get out of here.

The scenery is as follows: Billboard that says, "Everybody Gets Their Asphalt from Sherwin (414) 281-6400".

Other scenery: There's a Pizza Hut all you can eat for $3.99.

Something that says, "Butter" on the sign. It could be a factory. It's not a store.

There's a Delta Catfish Processors Factory Incorporated. A couple of church steeples peeking off in the distance, then there's a car sign way up above everything.

In contrast to the drab greys - and even a drab red! - there's a drab red building! Lots of beige & dirty white.

Now we're going along at more than a crawl, but I don't think for long.

There's a billboard for "Apple Beeper".

Now we're close to the Apple Beeper sign. There's a chick in a swimsuit on the billboard & it's like you could touch her. She sticks out.

6:31pm: We're up to 43 mph on the expressway. We're finally moving. It can't be as bad as it was.

Will it be as bad as it was?

Find out in Wisconsin

Or, go anywhere:  

Van Log '94: A Collective Narrative:

Forward by Todd               South Dakota, pt. 1               Washington

Leaving Indiana                South Dakota, pt. 2               British Columbia

Illinois                               Wyoming                               Hyder, AK (side trip)

Wisconsin                         Montana                                Yukon Territory

Minnesota                         Idaho                                     Alaska

Van Log, 1994: Wisconsin

We've just been welcomed to Wisconsin. I'm looking out over expansive rolling hills with some trees. This is the Wisconsin dairy land we're talking about and it's beautiful. We just passed through a very small town called "Slade's Corner" which, according to the sign, is "unincorporated."

Stretching our legs in Winnebago, Wisconsin.

We're at Lake Geneva. A lot of green in this town. Headquarters of TSR, who had complete domination over my life in high school. 

It's cold in Geneva and they don't even know it.

We saw a sign for Champ's advertising their chicken and a place called Fat Cat's. A bar.

Our waitress commented, "Isn't the weather nice?" We thought she was just joking; or making conversation, but she was referring to the bad weather here earlier that we missed.

"Hair of the Dog" Grooming. Play that Ramones cover album next.

Instead of naming their counties, Wisconsin identifies them with letters,but they do name their towns.

We stopped for cigarettes pretty much & they were overpriced. We're getting into the potato salad now, thanks Andy.

9:55 pm - We're sitting in the parking lot of a funeral home or something with a blinking light. It stopped now, but it was blinking erratically. We stopped because we're not sure what's going on because Highway 50 ended. We're looking at the map now. It'll turn into Highway 14. We're listening to Ween and I'm craving drugs. We're parked in a "Drug Free Zone" too. We dedicate Ween to the "Drug Free Zone". This is exactly where we wanted to go.

10:30 pm - Our first roadkill: Blood for at least 30 feet & just a mutilated deer. Not a very big one. Carnage.

Earlier today, I saw a roadkill that I didn't think was worth reporting because our hitchhiker was present. It was a groundhog. There was no visible wound, but it was swelled up like it was ready to pop. It was in bad shape. There were no visible smears, but there were definitely small chunks surrounding the area. It could've been a man. It was just bloody carnage. Land of Semis and Roadkills.

I would say that Wisconsin is big on corn, fudge, no shirts, closing early & ice cream advertisements.

There's another martini glass on the Steak Pit sign. There are a lot of signs here with Caribbean ads. Resort themes. I've gotta pee & we've gotta find gas. We're looking for a gas station.

"Ride the Ducks - Wisconsin Ducks". There's no gas station, but we could ride the ducks. Wisconsin has its priorities straight. Let's not go to Alaska. Lets just work in Wisconsin Dells & live in the van. I'll work at the gas station, you work at the Taco Bell.

We're in the Wisconsin Dells, lots of tourist shit. "Open All Night", but "No Wine After Nine".

When I was in the gas station, two guys of obvious Native decent saw my earring & asked me, "Wakka Tu?". I have no idea what that meant & I asked them what it meant & they said, "Never mind" and walked away. I asked the gas station attendant what it meant and she said the Indians here are really hip on being Indians and usually they'll stop and explain it to you; but they were drunk and that's why they didn't. I guess she knew them.

Two clocks say it's 9:30 & two say it's midnight! Who to believe?

I anticipate that when I have a family & children, I'll take them to the Wisconsin Dells. "Big Chief Go-Kart World", "Family World", "Ripley's Believe It Or Not Museum", "Norman Rockwell Museum", "Biblical Gardens", "Ride the Ducks", "Mexicali Siesta", plenty of taverns, "Competitive Go-Kart Prices", "Boat Ahead", water slides, a lot of fun.

"El Roy Sparta".

1:00 am - I saw a shape fly by. We're balling it through Wisconsin.

Let me tell you about this roadkill: I didn't see any arms or legs nor did I see any wounds were they once may have been. It was cigar shaped & there was a spot of blood on each end.

I was in the fast lane passing a truck & I looked down between my wheels & there was a roadkill, right in the center of the 2nd lane. It was kind of round like a puffball & I wouldn't hit him. I'm not going to hit any. Ah...I dropped a cigarette & it's way down.

We stopped at a rest-stop & Mel's getting his boots on.

These people are confused. They have lofty expectations.

Will expectations be so lofty elsewhere? 
Find out in Minnesota

Or, go anywhere:  

Van Log '94: A Collective Narrative:

Forward by Todd               South Dakota, pt. 1               Washington

Leaving Indiana                South Dakota, pt. 2               British Columbia

Illinois                               Wyoming                               Hyder, AK (side trip)

Wisconsin                         Montana                                Yukon Territory

Minnesota                         Idaho                                     Alaska

Van Log, 1994: Minnesota

Big Buffalo Bill.

Day 2, 10:21 am: 75 miles from Minneapolis. First roadkill of the day was a decapitated deer. Just blood everywhere. A bloodbath.

OK, there's a Historical Marker. We just passed it. This is not the Mississippi River, this is the St. Croix. I guess it makes sense. In St. Paul they had maps of the Mississippi & we're not anywhere near St. Paul. We'll see the St. Croix instead, which seemed a mighty river to me. It joins the Mississippi.

We're now at the borderland of the two gas station giants of the United States - Amaco & Texaco. Amaco's on that side of the St. Croix & Texaco's on this side. I wonder if that affects price fixing.

We're waiting for the drawbridge to close. It's slow.

We got out where the Mississippi meets the St. Croix & looked around. The Mississippi's muddy. Todd found a lure, we peed in the Mississippi, a train went by. There's a bar here called Seal's Place & another called Boat Drinks and there's a boat with Beavis & Butthead painted on it.

Peeing in the Mighty Mississippi.

We're south of St. Paul - at K-Mart. We stopped to call Kathie & she's not home.

2:30 pm: We're in Minneapolis. Everybody here drives the speed limit. We're going to let Mel drive.

Mile Marker 159 on 19 West in Minnesota. It's the most beautiful country we've seen yet. The wind's tough, isn't it Mel? I've never seen Mel sit up so straight unless he was trying to prove something to somebody. Convince somebody of something. To make a point. Those horses were looking at us back there when we changed drivers. There's the "Broujak Funeral Home" and a kid.

Mel hasn't hit anyone. Thank God. We've left the town. There was a mailbox back there that was hit. Not by Mel. The van is unscathed. No roadkill, no mishaps of any kind. Laura's drawing pictures & Jonnie's on the top bunk, we're playing Lou Reed.

For the first time on the trip, I've felt the pressure that says I'm at a different altitude.

The soil here is black. It is just chock full of life-giving nutrients and it will still be good in 100 years.

We ate at the feet of Buffalo Bill Cotdy's statue. We ate on the ground because none of us could ever stand shoulder to shoulder with Buffalo Bill.

Back at the Frontier Village there was a big Buffalo Bill & a big buffalo.

Are you still with us?

Stay with us at least into South Dakota

Or, go anywhere:  

Van Log '94: A Collective Narrative:

Forward by Todd               South Dakota, pt. 1               Washington

Leaving Indiana                South Dakota, pt. 2               British Columbia

Illinois                               Wyoming                               Hyder, AK (side trip)

Wisconsin                         Montana                                Yukon Territory

Minnesota                         Idaho                                     Alaska

Van Log, 1994: South Dakota, pt. 1 - Wall Drug

8:26 pm: Roadkill Report:This wasn't messy, it was a clean kill. It was a racoon rolled-up in a ball by the side of the road. A billboard reads, "South Dakotans Reject Animal Activists". This is the home of the Cattle Ranchers.

We're looking for signs that will lead us to the Corn Palace. There's a big cow statue that would not fit in the van. It would fit on a flatbed though. Pick it up if you're ever in Mitchel with a flatbed.

A large city-bought sign in green is directing us to the Corn Palace. There's the Mouse House Cheese Shop. The Freedom Gas Station. It's a dollar two instead of a dollar ten.

There's the "Taco Tienda With More." "Free Parking, No Overnight Camping."

Corn Palace; Mitchell, South Dakota.

Day 2, 10:20 pm: We just came out of the Townhouse Cafe and it wasn't bad. We had the pot of coffee. The music's getting kind of mellow, let's put on the Misfits. I haven't heard the Misfits in a long time. We're getting ready to make a long haul towards the Badlands. We found out a lot about Custer Park where they have a bunch of buffalo that run into the road and some mules you can pet, so we plan on going there.

We just entered the Mountain time-zone. That means we are now very west and after the Rocky Mountains, we'll be extremely west. We'll be coastal. We're about 60 miles from the Badlands.

I'm kinda jacked-up from all of that coffee we had in Mitchel. I'm feeling like a rocketship here. I took a nap, maybe that had something to do with it. After we had coffee, I took a nap. Explain that. But now I feel like a million bucks.

We could buy some liquor and get plastered. Set up a tent and drink. I'm not gonna sleep tonight, so if we get there and nothing's open, let's start a fire and cook something. Eat and drink and make merry by a fire. Do we have anything we could cook on a fire? We could fry Spam.

If we feel like it tonight, we're gonna fry bananas on a fire and drink liquor

Did you see that? I thought it was an animal at first, but it was a big ball of tumbleweed.

I had an accident! We were coming up on the scenic overlook to camp out and I took the exit and at the top of the exit, what I thought was a space to merge onto the freeway was actually a solid concrete curb and I flew up over that at a pretty good speed and I definitely reamed-out the right front tire really bad. I'm assessing the damage.

Flat.

By the side of the road.

Taking it all in stride.

We're stopped right by a "No Camping" sign. So, that's the situation. Mel landed on me. We may be okay. Jesus Christ, that was a close one. My apologies. No alcohol was involved.

A car with a couple of guys came up to help us out. They let us try their jack. The problem is that one of the lug nuts isn't coming off with the tire iron we have. We tried their tire iron, but it was too small so they've gone to call a tow service. Not that we need a tow, but they could probably get the lug nut off. They'd probably be equipped to handle that.

It's a beautiful night, lots of stars are out and there's a heavy wind. I guess, for a wreck, it was pretty good; but I wouldn't want it to happen again. Hopefully soon we'll be rolling again.

Day 3, 8:45am: Lug nuts are off. It's a beautiful place we were sleeping. A camper was here and I went over to ask them if they had a tire iron when a guy pulled-up and said he had the perfect one. He's had it for fifteen years and he had a lot of faith in it. It was a cross. He was a man of God from Ohio. An evangelist. Now we're waiting for someone to come along with a jack. We slept outside on the prairie. The dream-catcher is done.

Did you shoe-goo it?

9:11 am: We got some wood under the jack. We got it up to where it won't go up any further. We tried to take it down and it won't go down any further either. So now we're left with the van precariously placed on 3 blocks of wood.

10:00 am - Some people from Indianapolis, Indiana, pulled up. Really nice guy, gives us his jack and goes off to see the scenery. We got the tire changed and as we were changing the tire, he told us the entire history of Billings, Montana. He was really up on it. His last name was "Billings" and that's the reason he was going there. The only reason he was going there. Just wanted to see it. He researched back to 1794 and as far as he can tell, he's not related to the guy, "Billings", who started the town; but he thinks a few hundred years back, they probably were related. That Billings had a son named Frederick and a daughter named Laura and so do they. And we have a Laura too.

It's all turned out well. In evaluation of the whole situation, I think that we all did pretty well. Took it all in stride. None of us freaked out. I liked sleeping out in the wind and grass. I'm taking this as a personal lesson to watch my speed. 

"I could have killed everybody."

"Don't get solemn on us."

"I could have hurt somebody."

If that wasn't a prairie...we would've gone off a mountain in Alaska. We'd have plunged to our deaths.

We're gonna go to Wall and check the alignment and put the other rim on the other tire. While we're there, we're gonna go to Wall Drug. "Auto Parts at Wall Drug", there's a sign they could put up. While we drive to Wall, I am brushing my hair and throwing the knots out the window, where they shall become tumbleweed and roam the prairies forevermore.

Wall Drug; Wall, South Dakota.

2:22 pm: We went to Wall Drug; got postcards, got coffee. Have we been busy! We saw Smilin' Sam play the piano, got some good pictures. Sixty cents and we got all the coffee we wanted. Couldn't drink any more. It was a dream. I bought a hack. I called home and that bastard bitch of Satan's spawn of a Godmother I have (and I hope you hear this, you stupid slut) wouldn't let me talk to my own mother.

Smilin' Sam.

Wall Drug attraction.

Bronco Bustin' Laura.

Taxidermy party.

Howdy.

Stay with us as we enter the Badlands, 
South Dakota, pt. 2

Or, go anywhere:  

Van Log '94: A Collective Narrative:

Forward by Todd               South Dakota, pt. 1               Washington

Leaving Indiana                South Dakota, pt. 2               British Columbia

Illinois                               Wyoming                               Hyder, AK (side trip)

Wisconsin                         Montana                                Yukon Territory

Minnesota                         Idaho                                     Alaska

Van Log, 1994: South Dakota, pt. 2 - Badlands

2:31 pm: Entering Badlands National Park

We made it. The guy here has a goatee and a badge and his name is Tim Johanson. He was really laid-back, he was funny. "No huntin' or Shootin' and No Off-Road Driving". Whoa!! It's beautiful! Dirt road! WOooooo!!! "Prairie Dog Town 5 Miles". Just big chasms! OH!! Take a whole roll of panoramic!

We're driving through the Badlands listening to Bob Dylan. We're going to the Prairie Dog Town. We have a sign, "Beware of Bison". We see some, six of 'em and more on the horizon. Mad Tyson loves his Bison. Big Herd!! Beware, they will gore you. Sign says, "Many visitors have been gored by buffalo". This is the Prairie Dog Town - And the buffalo live here too.

Exploring the Badlands.

Bad, bad lands.

Where the buffalo roam.

Mel with sun-dried buffalo shit.

3:22 pm: We have been to the Prairie Dog Town and we have returned. Laura stared down a buffalo and we're going to pick up some dried buffalo shit to burn it like they do in India.

Those Prairie Dogs are elusive. I got really close to that one. Lucky.

7:21 pm: Man, what a day. Spent it in the Badlands. We got the car fixed, the guy only charged $14. He could've charged us anything he wanted to. We drove around the Badlands forever. Me and Mel took a nap, Todd and Laura figured out that the map is fucked up. We saw antelope running around. We took a walk through the Badlands on our own feet, no one guiding us. The van was a far-off speck. I put mud all over my body and it felt really good.

We're thinking a storm might be coming from one direction or the other because they said the weather's unpredictable in the Badlands. They said it has snowed in May. That's one of the things that's so bad about these lands. Bad-fuckin-lands. Temperatures range from 116 degrees to negative 40; not in one night, but that's the range. So it's just unpredictable.

Mel and Laura are hacky-sacking and Todd and I are having a beer. Laura saw some bone jaws in a creek. She thinks they're bison jaws and Mel's going to get them tomorrow. He can make something really cool from them. Even though there's a clause in this "Prairie Preamble" about collecting fossils. Should I leave that geode here?

Why not take it, it might not even be a geode. Put it in the food box. There's a lot of them around here. There are neat little scrub bushes here, little dwarf trees. You gotta know what I mean.

This car pulled in and it was a couple of old folks and I think they may have been afraid of Mel and they left. Maybe they said, "That's not such a pretty site". It is a pretty site though. It really is.

7:53 pm: We're gonna make a beer run. I've only had 2 so I should drive. Oh! We have schnapps! Lets get some beer. Wall is only 10 miles away, we could do it with our eyes closed. We're gonna go get beer! Close all the doors and haul ass! Get that bag of cow shit in here! Put it where the spare tire used to be. We've got a lot of contraband if a Ranger stops us. We brought that rock from home. We brought that bag of buffalo shit from home too. I lost my zippo.

Empty beer bottles go in the cooler? Is that what we're doing?

Well, that's what we've been doing. I don't know why.

Take that road, 240, to Wall. I hope there's no scars! I hope there's no scars! We're at the same place that fixed our tire. Last time we were here, we were interested in Wall Drug, now we just care about the beer. I'm drinkin' Light Beer! Which I'll probably thank Jon for later because I'll look down and say, 'Hey! I've been drinking a lot of beer and I aint got a gut'!

8:37 pm: We're lookin' at a buffalo chewin' and peeing at the same time. We're drunk and having a good time.

Oh my God! They're afraid of Mel! Bison are afraid of Mel! Mel chased off a herd of bison! He's gonna get gored.

We've got beer bottles all over the floor, they're gonna be rolling out.

Mel charged those buffalo and they ran.

Bison Charger Mel.

Mel's going over to ask some guys if they hack. We've got kind of a Badlands party arranged. We ran into some people, we got some pictures of some buffalo and now Mel's negotiating a liquor store run. Introducing Laura now, they're gonna go get some beer.

Badlands party.

Cooking on buffalo chips.

Cooking bananas and pretzels.

We just met a guy named Ron and a guy named Russ. Ron just went to get some salami for his friend and we're gonna go hack and drink in the beautiful Badlands. People are dancing, I'm baking bananas and it's pretty cool. Cowchips are burning and they smell good. Laura recommends that we don't put oregano or soy sauce on the bananas. Or beer. It's bland. Garlic? How about Soul Food seasoning?

12:09 am: Listen, we're all really drunk in the Badlands. Storm brewing and we're encouraging it. We hope it does rain. I'm drinking in the dirt and I'll be sleeping in the dirt and that's the way to be.

We're gonna go find Mel. We're really trashed. We all took aspirin, but that doesn't mean we won't be mourning. Mel's talking shit to us all. I'm talking shit right now. I'm so glad that I induced my own vomiting in the field so I don't even have to risk vomiting in the van. I think we should all be thankful for that.

12:44: I'm up front. I'm Hard Core. If it stops raining, I'm going outside.

Day 4, 8:20 am: We woke up, well three of us. We don't know where Jonnie is. No idea where he is. The van is trashed and we're drinking all the water we've got right now and taking vitamins. "Aids in maintaining a healthy nervous system". We'll have healthy nerves. It's a good placebo. Is that our garbage can out there?

I spent the night in the Badlands in my sleeping bag. Mel and Laura are gonna do some hiking, Todd and I are going to take the van into town for water and necessities. I lost 3 lighters last night. We'll grab a pack of six of 'em.

10:14 am:We're in Wall. It's starting to feel sort of homey now. We made a beer run, saw the same guy working two different times, we know our way around. Getting kind of comfortable with it. We dropped off our trash in a motel dumpster. I shaved and washed my hair in the bathroom of an Exxon station, we're gonna get some breakfast at Elkton House.

We went to Wall Drug and asked for a cork. The lady said to go to the Camping Dept. and if they don't have one, go to the Hardware Store two doors down. So we went to the Camping Dept. and asked, "Do you have a cork"? The guy, and like everybody else was all in on it, he goes, "No! You wanna go out of here and go two doors down to the left to the Hardware store". So, we went into the Hardware store and I said, "We need a cork" and the lady said, "OK". She walks over to the shelves and in the metal box, way on top, it wasn't on display; she reaches up, brings down the box and it's full of various corks. Assorted sizes in different compartments.

Our eyes were bigger than our jug and we picked a really big one. It was way too big, so we took it back and she traded it. It's way tall and that gives it space to wear out a bit. Gives me a lift. It looks like a real jug now. We've got a jug of water. Now we're gonna go fill it.

Gill Bros. in the Badlands.

We're back where we had our tire fixed yesterday and where we came back to on our beer run and we're back here now. It's no wonder that Wall's starting to feel a little bit like home. We're becoming regulars here. It's gonna be kind of sad to leave that, but leave it we will.

We're going in through the back of the Badlands because, in our revelry last night, we threw out our pass, which wouldn't be good anyway today because it was only good for one day. The guy who was into Geology said there's a secret way to get in from the back for free.

Good news, we found a hose at the Exxon station and Todd's filling the jug. We are driving up and down the hills on a crazy dirt road, surrounded by cows. Root Beer, the Beer of the Root.

12:44 pm: Mel and Laura returned and they're gonna tell about their day: We hiked what we estimated to be 2 or 3 miles into the heart of the Badlands. We found this really neat bluff and we just sat on it. It was really beautiful and we added to the natural erosion and then coming back is when the excitement happened.

Laura said, "oh!", and jumped up and right at her feet was a rattlesnake sunning itself. We were about 3 feet from it, just watching it then it got tired of looking at us and just slithered away.

When we were about 3 quarters of the way back, we were exhausted and wanted to find some shade so we go through the valley and then, like 20 feet from us, a deer jumps out of the thicket. And antelope, we saw it all".

Did you see a coyote?

We saw coyote footprints. I wish I hadn't been so trashed". There was this one bird that was just so fat, it would hop then fly then hop then fly then hop.

We saw a lot of bones, a bison shoulder blade. Off in the distance we saw seven or eight buffalo stampeding, running full speed".

We ate at the "Cactus Cafe". Jonnie and I had burritos, Laura had the salad bar and Todd had garlic bread and coffee. We noticed that there's a pretty big radiator leak dripping puddles on the ground, so we stopped and Jonnie ran over to the Hardware Store and got some "Stop-A-Leak" shit and we hope the problem's solved.

We called Indiana and talked to Betty - Ian broke his collarbone, wrecked his scooter.

We're getting the Hell out of Wall. We're gonna go on 90 and cover some miles. Time to move on and we're gonna try to see Custer's Battlefield and the Crazy Horse project. My necklace broke, so I threw it out the window. No remorse. South Dakota's big and beautiful. We left Wall and we're coasting at 70mph. Green rolling hills.

4:21 pm: We're entering the Crazy Horse Memorial. We just pulled in and we're on the "Avenue of the Chiefs".

6:07 pm:We're leaving the Crazy Horse place, $15 to get in, which wasn't bad. They have free coffee and it was pretty good, but you felt bad drinking it knowing how much money need to finish this thing.

There are cows here by the road, not penned-in. Laura's at the wheel and we're gonna go see Custer's Battlefield. Maybe we should just leave the state. How Now Brown Cow? I've got antifreeze all over my leg and arm.

The original sculptor of Crazy Horse looks a lot like Mel's Godfather. He's got a great beard. There's a photograph of the sculptor with Johnny Cash and he had a personal invitation from the Pope and it's the best picture of the Pope that I've ever seen. He's just standing there with a sly grin and he's pointing his finger like, "Hey! I'm the Pope and I invite you". I'd love to get a poster of the Pope looking like that.

7:00 pm: We're on 16 going West. We're gonna enter Wyoming from here. Right now we're on a 12 mile strip of unpaved road. It's a "Road Construction". It looks like road deconstruction to me, but here we go. Very unluckily, there's a storm brewing in exactly the same direction where we're going and we see lightning.

What of this storm? Will it be as bad as we think it will be?
Find out in Wyoming

Or, go anywhere:  

Van Log '94: A Collective Narrative:

Forward by Todd               South Dakota, pt. 1               Washington

Leaving Indiana                South Dakota, pt. 2               British Columbia

Illinois                               Wyoming                               Hyder, AK (side trip)

Wisconsin                         Montana                                Yukon Territory

Minnesota                         Idaho                                     Alaska

Van Log, 1994: Wyoming

As we enter Wyoming, we have pavement & the sign says, "Like No Place On Earth". It's looking like we may miss the storm. It's to our left, it was in front of us. We're seeing a lot of red dirt here, which is kind of surprising. Wyoming! It's starting to rain, it's gonna rain bad. We're gonna gas-up at a place called, Gas/Food.

7:29 pm: We stopped to get gas & I talked to some of the locals about the approaching storm. One woman said, "No, it ain't gonna be bad. It'll be alright". Then the one at the counter said, "We never know, it could be Hellfire & Damnation or it could just be a sprinkle". I asked her if we'd be safe, she looks at the van & says, "Well....Huh!...Yeah...Yeah...You'll be alright". We don't know who to believe. We don't know at all. The locals could get a kick out of fooling tourists & letting them ride off into the storm to their death before they even see Devil's Tower. We've got chips & salsa. 80 miles to Devil's Tower.

7:47 pm: We're at a store called, Pamita. Todd got a windshield wiper in preparation for the oncoming storm & a wrench. I went in the store and they have a great selection of cowboy hats & a lot of guys in the store were wearing cowboy hats. One of the employees, someone of some position because he wore a tie, mailed my postcards for me.

Todd gets the Handyman of the Day Award, he fixed the radiator & the windshield wiper. Thanks Todd!

I feel proud. It's always good to do something.

A white cow, we're in Wyoming! It's in my liver. We're driving on and the road is red and I wish I was dead. This road is paved with Indian blood.

Wyoming, according to the sign, is like nowhere on Earth; but at least some things are similar to Columbia City, Indiana. I've never seen a red road in Whitley County though, except for Chauncey Street. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize that this place is like other places on the Earth. Propane tank, right there. "East Pedro".

Sam-On, the salmon; our mascot.

There's a train coming, it's blue. It's a blue engine then a green engine, a blue car, then a green car, green car, green car, green car, green car, red car, yellow car, yellow car, yellow car, rust car, red car, yellow car, yellow car, green car, green car, green car, green car, green car, green car, green car, yellow car, yellow car, green car, rust, rust, rust... The windshield wiper has come loose, we have to stop & repair it. We're leaving the friendly skies behind us, it's raining now. From here on out, we might as well be in Hell.

We've got some antelope in Wyoming. It's 8:39pm on Day 4, the rain stopped & then all the antelope came out. That might be all of them, just those three. Those are the "Wyoming Three". Outlaws. Now, here's some animals...These are cows. Big Brown. It's really chaotic. We're spraying citrus air freshner.

Day 4, 8:55 pm: We're definitely in mountainous-type territory, the population sign of this town had another sign below it that had the elevation listed. Elevations's important to these people. The posts that hold the signs up are made of wood - not metal. Wood.

We've just caught sight of Devil's Tower after a long tiring journey. An old abandoned log cabin, it's just a shell. It's just beautiful here; listening to Johnny Cash, we've got a sunset goin', hills of green covered with trees. If I wasn't tired, I'd probably be dancing. If the storm slows down, we might be able to make it out of Wyoming tonight, but that would be fucking nuts. But maybe we can. Laura just saw an owl. The road's gonna curve. If it didn't, we'd fly off of it.

We're now near the base of the Devil's Tower National Monument. The first monument of the United States established by Theodore Roosevelt as we learned from AM 1210. Really neat rock formations here, it's pretty dark though. Devil's Tower was the core of a bygone volcano. I didn't know that before. It's very dark and there's a prairie dog. They said on the radio that the prairie dogs here will bite you & they carry the plague! So there's a bunch of diseased prairie dogs that are mean & aggressive here. "They appear tame, but they are wild animals and they will bite", the lady said. "Don't feed them anything".

We're riding in a circle, the road's in a perpetual curve, it seems like. Devil's Tower is standing ominous in the center, lightning flashing around it like the Man in Black we're listening to. 

Comparing the Devil's Tower to Johnny Cash is a terrible metaphor. I guess I was thinking of Crazy Horse.

Roosevelt would declare this a national monument. I bet he really got into this. He used to take "beeline hikes". The Bull Moose. His greatest legacy is the National Parks System & having his face on Mount Rushmore.

10:28 pm: We're at Devil's Tower and there's a big storm brewing. A visitor told us that she heard the weather report & we can expect, "Hail, heavy winds, severe rain & deadly lightning". Deadly Lightning! The kind that will kill you. I could not have asked for a better experience of Devil's Tower. It was great! It was dark and ominous & the lightning would light it up for us. We were running down the trail in the storm trying to keep up with Laura, who runs like an antelope anyway.

11:52 pm: We're going into Gillette to get some gas. I'm noticing that the majority of exits are at those, "Cattle Xing" grids, so I'm keeping my eye out for stray cattle wandering across the road. The rain stopped, the windshield's clear and we're back on 90 going full speed. We're gonna cover a lot of miles. As soon as Jon gets tired of driving, then Todd will take over & we're just gonna haul balls.

12:10 am: Good Times Liquor Discount, in Gillette. Their Taco Bell is closed at only 12:10, fuck them. I don't know what's going on, hauling balls West.

1:00 am: Here in Gillette, Wyoming, we came out of a Subway Sub-Shop. That was real good food and, in Mel's words, "Fuck Yeah!" (in response to the question, "Are you driving all night"?). West on 90, let's hang our balls out and drive! Everything in Gillette closes at 9:00 except for James & Jamie (at Subway) because they're hard-core employees. They want us to drink a beer for them in Alaska and we will. We won't forget James & Jamie in Gillette - we can't forget that. I'm refreshed. There was a fucking ad in there - for $600, the price of this van, I could "Crazy Woman Creek Road", "Stony Prairie Dog Town Creek", "Piney Creek". Just a bunch of creek roads because they've got a lot of creeks, so it's a real easy name.

We saw a sign for "Tongue River Creative Playground". We oughta check that one out.

Do we check it out, or forget about it?

Find out in Montana

Or, go anywhere:  

Van Log '94: A Collective Narrative:

Forward by Todd               South Dakota, pt. 1               Washington

Leaving Indiana                South Dakota, pt. 2               British Columbia

Illinois                               Wyoming                               Hyder, AK (side trip)

Wisconsin                         Montana                                Yukon Territory

Minnesota                         Idaho                                     Alaska