Donald Kilbuck: Selected Correspondence In

Donald (left) & me (right) in Anchorage; Winter, 1994.

Excerpted from personal correspondence with Donald Wy. Kilbuck:

Hurry up and get up here with all the tools that you can find along the way.

Cash is good! With all my emotional cash shortage my wallet is empty. I feel fine even though i am broke i still have my truck too drive around with. 

I guess in order to swim in this world we got to take care of our best beastly body.

God help us all i am not all here. This must be another hell hole that God made for all the bad people too enjoy. Lot of nuts at work. 

I SEEN SOME WILD BIRD THAT NEEDED TO BE BLOW DARTED AT OR BOW N ARROW, BUT NOTHING AT HAND OR ANY CAMERA TO SHOOT THE FEATHERED FEAST.

I AM COMING DOWN WITH A COLD OR WHATEVER IT IS.

Jon! I will probably be at Dutch Harbor processing fish where the people will not be afraid of my straight forward threats that don't really mean anything.

I am harvesting all the ocean's flavors.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, June 29, 2004]

Found Photo

I found this laying on the ground in Anchorage, Alaska:

I don't know...pumpkin carving school?

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Dec. 21, 2003]

Found Photo

I found this one in Anchorage as well:

Anchorage is for lovers.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Dec. 29, 2003]

PS -

I spruced this photo up a bit for Valentine'd Day, 2020:

Found Photo

Found laying around in a public area in Fort Wayne, Indiana:

Found photo.

Fort Wayne is for lovers.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, June 23, 2004]

Meet Donald Kilbuck

This is Donald Wy. Kilbuck:

Donald Kilbuck eating a tortilla in Homer, AK.

I met Donald in Valdez, Alaska, and was surprised when he told me he'd just been released from prison. I guess at some point in the past, his brother-in-law had been violent toward Donald's sister, so Donald went after him with a knife. During the trial, the judge asked Donald if he had any remorse, and Donald replied, "Yes. I wish I would have done him in." He then laughed out loud about it, so he got the full extent of the sentence. He says his jail cell gave him a really good view of Mt. Redoubt's volcanic eruption in 1989.

Here we are (with my friend James, in the back) in Cordova:

Donald, James, & me in Cordova, Alaska.

Donald led us to believe he knew people who would put us up in Cordova, so we took the ferry over with him. Cordova is inaccessible by the highway system, so it was a unique chance to visit a place that isn't terribly easy to reach. We weren't very welcome when we showed up at the local preacher's house during dinner. He looked very surprised to see Donald but did not invite us in. Instead, we spent the night in a tent, in the rain, then explored town the next day.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Feb. 6, 2004]

Raymond is a Gangsta

In Anchorage, I was working with severe schizophrenics for awhile. They'd been released from the mental institution & were transitioning by living under supervision in a block of apartments with an adjoining staff area so they could have their living skills evaluated before being set out to fend for themselves in the community.

There was this guy, Raymond, who constantly had his coffee maker on. He just refused to shut it off. It started to melt-down & was determined a fire hazard by the staff, so they removed it. 

He was without coffee for a couple of days until, one day, I dropped by on my rounds & Raymond is sitting on his couch enjoying a hot cup of coffee like usual. 

Me: "Hey, they got you a new coffee maker"?

Raymond: "Nah, I've been making it in the dishwasher".

Me: "?????????????"

Upon checking the dishwasher, sure enough, he was tossing in a bunch of coffee grounds instead of soap, running a cycle, & stopping it before the water drained out. The entire bottom of the dishwasher was full of hot coffee. Then it was just a matter of dipping a cup in there.

And this is how Raymond came to be known as, "the Schizophrenic McGuyver."

- - - - - - 

The only other thing I know about Raymond is that he used to use pages from the Bible as rolling papers for cigarettes. I think he just did it to get people worked up.

He also is said to have purchased a new car with a briefcase full of cash at one point in the past, but that may or may not be just a story.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Jan. 3, 2004]

First Impressions

When I had recently arrived in Anchorage and was getting on my feet, I bought a van real cheap from a co-worker. The next morning, I was starting a second job working with disabled kids. 

I drove that van on my first day of work and I remember having a completely overbearing head cold at the time. I was parked in front of the home of the individuals I would be assisting while I was digging in the back of the van looking for some Kleenex when I noticed a large sawed-off shotgun underneath the back seat! 

I don't know what I was thinking (I was ill and disoriented at the time), but I picked it up and pulled the trigger (I guess to see if it worked). I remember an explosive, "BLAMMM!!", followed by a deafening ringing in my ears and the smell of gun powder. It was loaded! 

Shotgun blast hole with swiss army knife for scale.

Blew a hole right through the side of my new van. Right in the parking lot of my new workplace on my first day! I just remember smelling smoke and my ears ringing like crazy and being glad nobody was outside in the parking lot who might have been caught by the blast. The lady who ran the house came running out and asked me what was going on. All I could think about was my head cold and I didn't want to explain it all to her, so I stupidly stuck my head out the window, held up the shotgun and said, "I just shot a hole in my van. I have a head cold," as if that explained anything. 

Well, they say the first impression you make on somebody is the one they will always remember and you'd think I made a pretty bad one that day; but if that's the case, you'd never know it. She didn't say a word, she just turned around and went back in the house. I came in a little later and started my first shift. We later became friendly acquaintances, but she NEVER mentioned the incident as long as I knew her.

The photograph below shows brother Todd holding his Swiss Army knife by the shotgun hole for scale. If the shot had landed a foot or so to the left, where the gas tank is located, I may not have lived to tell the stupid tale.

Valdez Pat

Forgot about this guy:

Pat.

 We met Pat in Valdez, Alaska, after our roadtrip from the midwest. He used to smoke pot out of a hollowed-out deer antler.

Pat samples Laura's campfire cooking as YaYa laughs (right)..

I remember him telling us his first ancestor to arrive in America spent their first night in America in jail. He said that as soon as land was in sight, his ancestor grabbed the first mate and threw him overboard because he'd been giving him shit during the entire journey.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Feb. 24, 2004]

Hyder-ized

While driving through British Columbia, Canada, for what seemed like forever on our road trip to Alaska in 1994, we made a Hyderization pit stop in Hyder, Alaska.

The proper entrance to Alaska is through the Yukon Territory, which was still a long way off, but we learned there was a southern Alaskan town called, "Hyder," accessible through British Columbia. It isn't a proper entrance to Alaska because there are no additional routes into the interior, evidenced by the absence of a customs stop.

We were a little road weary from days of driving and decided it was worth the 200 mile detour off the Alkean Highway to check out Hyder. It was probably a once in a lifetime opportunity. I doubt we will ever be back in Hyder. It is absolutely in the middle of nowhere.

Checking out Hyder, Alaska.

Once we arrived, Hyder looked like kind of a wilderness outpost. There were a few buildings (at least half of which were bars) and a lot of mud.

One guy we met there told us they did try to establish a border patrol office at one point in the town's history, but the locals, "shot it up."

There was not even anything to indicate where the Canada-Alaska border was. The guy we were talking to said, "There used to be a sign, but if fell down, eh?"

We decided to celebrate at the Glacier Inn bar & liquor store. The walls were covered with autographed money, originally from miners staking claims, but in recent years it was probably just drunks.

One wall of the Glacier Inn.

While we were there, the bartender, Caroline, was creating a subliminal message to her boss by stapling $2 bills to the money covered wall to spell out, "Fuck you, Buzzy." She said he would never notice and she would laugh about it for years.

"Fuck you, Buzzy."

The Glacier Inn had a tradition called, "Hyderization," the process of, "getting Hyderized," which consisted of drinking a shot of Everclear.

We recorded Caroline's Hyderization rap on the Van Log cassette tape rec (she was able to recite it super fast, an skill she called, "Speed Hyderization"):

What I have before you is a water chaser, this in the other hand, is a house special. You may not taste it or smell it first. You have to knock it back straight one time & one time only... On the count of 3, down the hatch. 1,2,3. Congratulations, you've just been Hyderized with 1 ounce of Everclear 190 proof straight grain alcohol. Here's you card, sign your name to it...Welcome to Hyder & have a nice day. Bingo! We're done! Thank you.

Getting Hyderized.

After that initiation, they provided you with a souvenir card:

My proof of Hyderization.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Mar. 12, 2004]

Bozeman Radiator Disaster

Here's a good radiator disaster pic:

Catching our antifreeze leakage in cooking pans.

It was in Bozeman, Montana, during our 1994 drive from Indiana to Alaska, when we sprang a radiator leak. We managed to limp into a Napa auto parts parking lot just before the engine overheated completely. We parked and let everything cool down, catching the leaking antifreeze in pans because we were afraid Napa might kick us off their lot if we flooded it with coolant.

As bad as that seemed, things only got worse from there. Among other disasters, our camp stove decided to give up on us too.

Laura with our faulty camp stove.

Things escalated fast after that. I was trying to help Laura with the stove when I managed to set a can of kerosene on fire. I looked down and saw the fluid around the spout starting to ignite. Without thinking, I hurled the can—straight at the Napa store building. It exploded almost immediately on impact.

Here's the result:

Fire at the Napa store.

I guess I was just thinking in terms of throwing it AWAY from the van and opposite of the van was Napa.

That got the store staff riled up more than antifreeze in their parking lot ever could have. Multiple staff members immediately came pouring out of the building wielding fire extinguishers. My first thought was to take a picture (above).

When brother Todd saw the explosion in his rear-view mirror, he just threw the van in neutral - coasted right over all those pans of antifreeze.

Laura fell down and peed her pants from laughing so hard.

It was freaking hilarious.

[Originally posted on I'm Nacho Steppinstone, Feb. 10, 2004]

Street Fair

Anchorage street fair, as viewed from the ferris wheel:

View from the ferris wheel, Anchorage, Alaska; May, 1996.

Van Log, 1994: Alaska

7:47 pm: Welcome to Alaska! The pavement begins here! We're now going to Customs to see what happens there. See what kind of shit they give us... Hellfire! Baton down the hatches!! We're at Customs.

Hello.

Where are you all headed?

Valdez.

Where you coming from?

Indiana.

Everybody U.S. citizens?

Yep.

Let me see I.D. from everybody please.

Alright.

Any firearms on board today?

Nope. Noooo....

Go ahead and shut the vehicle off. I want you to come inside and fill out a customs declaration for me.

Okay.

Leave the keys in the ignition. Come on in. Make sure you bring your purses and bags.

That guy inside was the most intimidating fucker I ever saw. I felt guilty. My hands were shaking.

No shit! I thought something in there would pass as pot. He pulled that pin out of my wallet & I thought, "Oh Shit!" and it wasn't even for drugs! I just had it! 

He's good.

They found resin on my knife. The guy knew it was resin, but he didn't want to push the issue because that's all they found. My heart was racing. That was the best customs officer I've ever seen! He should get an award. That guy was a hard ass. He was like, "Grateful Dead...hmmm...You guys have a lot of these..."

But the guys who searched the van were actually pretty nice. They just moved some stuff around. They probably found that note.

No, I had it crumpled up.

They might have though.

They didn't even look under this tag here.

No! They didn't! We could've brought a bale of dope!

No, they probably ran a dog through here and that was it.

Happy to be here. Let's buy a bag. Inside they were talking to a guy and they go, "I'd appreciate it if you don't drop or lose anything because you're on camera". Then the guy's like, "Huh! At least you got the pleasure of sayin' that"! Some hick asshole.

I'm glad to be out of there! I thought for sure I was sunk. I felt guilt for no reason. I started thinking stuff like, "OK, I did lick off those tweezers after I used them for a roach clip, didn't I"?

He didn't give me my knife back! Wait, maybe he did...yes. The law sucks.

We pulled up and he thought, "I'm gonna get these guys".

There's resin all over my knife! All Over!! Fuck, I've got resin on two of the blades that you don't use for anything else but scraping resin. I didn't even think of that. He said, "You'd better clean or lose that knife". I planned to say I bought it at a second hand shop in Montana. But we're in Alaska now! Let's all smoke a cigar! And inhale it! And play Irish drinking songs!! Yeah!!!!

8:28 pm: We made it through Customs. Fuck 'em. Yes, those are fucking Grateful Dead tickets, buddy! I was high every day for two days!! And I dropped acid three times in those twenty days, mother fucker!!! Fuck 'em.

Welcome to Alaska.

Alaskan Moose.

Another flat.

Mel handling the lug nuts.

9:25 pm: OK, we have a kind of mechanical mystery for awhile. Every time we got to 60 miles/hour, it would go, "brrrbbbb!!!!!" & everything would shake, then we heard a "Bam!", so we pulled over. I was sitting in the passenger seat, feeling the vibration, getting a little bit concerned about it & suddenly I heard this "Boom!" that Todd spoke of and, up through the fender, right into my leg, shot a projectile of an unknown consistency - but it kind of hurt. Shot through the vent. So ,the tire is just feeling like dead skin from a sunburn. It was bad, Van Log, real bad. I've got the lug-nuts loose & this is not going to be a problem. That's the sound of a lug nut going none too easy.

Can you move your knee? This jack is a bitch. The tire just rolled away. There we go. Tire in place. Mel's now putting the lug-nuts onto the lug-bolts.

Oh my God, Antifreeze! They were supposed to have fixed that! It's barely leaking. What did they do? We don't know enough to know if they did it or not.

Oh! My head's underneath the van & it's on a jack on a piece of wood! I like it, it's sunny out here. The promised land. We made it. I say we celebrate with some hacky sackin' once we get this done.

I say we go on to Valdez, but the more physical shit we do, the more we'll wear off our buzz.

What are you doing!!?? Kicking a van on a jack!!??

Should I lower it?

What do you want for Christmas next year, Todd?

A jack.

Mel shoe-gooed the Mountie over the hole from the bullet that went through the hole in the van.

...We ate at Pizza Bella and it was great. A feast. We had garlic bread & pizza and we're looking to get air in the tire, but we're not finding any. We're mere hours from Valdez & I'm excited.

Day 9, 1:18 am: There's a moose, unconcerned that we just took a picture of it. It just stood there. Big Ol' Moose. We have to find one with big antlers yet.

2:45 am: We just saw our first Alaskan porcupine walking down the road. My concentration is on the tension at the back of my neck and staying on the road.

3:52 am: I'm still kickin' and trying to get to Valdez. Won't these guys be surprised when they wake up? 91 miles to Valdez! We're gonna be in Valdez on the last full moon of May. When we left home, it was barely a sliver. This is definitely one of the most beautiful nights I've ever seen. The moon is so bright and distracting that I'm using the sun visor so I can pay attention to the road. I'm dead tired but I just can't help it, I've got to keep on truckin'.

4:58 am: 40 miles from Valdez & it's damn cold! We can't see anything, it's damn foggy. We've told you about fog before, but that was nothing but talk. This is Fog. This is bullshit! Goin' downhill in the fog on a mountain. There's a lot of snow. City center of Valdez is 19 miles from here. Laura's taking us all the way to Valdez, she's been driving for hours.

Our journey's almost over. Horse Tail Falls! We're now in Valdez city limits.

Valdez Harbor.

And so we did indeed make the trip! Here we are at our Valdez campsite with one of many new acquaintances - YaYa:

Valdez campground.

We gradually parted ways over the summer, periodically running into each other here & there, in Alaska and elsewhere.

Van Log '94: A Collective Narrative:

Forward by Todd               South Dakota, pt. 1               Washington

Leaving Indiana                South Dakota, pt. 2               British Columbia

Illinois                               Wyoming                               Hyder, AK (side trip)

Wisconsin                         Montana                                Yukon Territory

Minnesota                         Idaho                                     Alaska

Van Log, 1994: Hyder, AK (Brit. Col. Side Trip)

[Side trip into Hyder, Alaska, on our way through British Columbia.  The proper entrance to Alaska is north through the Yukon Territory, so we continued on through Canada after this excursion.]

We're on the Alkean Highway, pretty good road isn't it? I love driving on this road! Lots of curves & hills, but they're perfectly spaced out and you can still maintain a good speed. Nothing too extreme, but there's constant adjustment. Keeps you occupied. This must be what it's like to drive a stick.

This Dylan from Yorkshire, England. I'm gonna do some laundry.

Hi. My name's Frank. We just got picked up from British Columbia. I'm gonna go get my wing fixed.

1:15 pm: We're in Hyder, it's small. We're gonna get "Hyderized". Glacier Inn bar & liquor store.

We're drunk. We're outside the Glacier Inn. We've all been Hyderized & that consists of drinking a shot of pure grain alcohol - an ounce.

We got a certificate for it, each has been witnessed by the other three from the van & a hitchhiker. Now Todd & Mel are shooting pool & we're gonna go in & interview the waitress. She has a lot of good stories. I've heard her talking to the locals - to the visitors - she's the local. We're now in Alaska. Hyder.

Incredible fog. Everybody's got a stagger in this town & there's a lonely little puppy leaning against the wall for support. He gave me a shake & I didn't even ask for it.

Do you wanna say something? Can you speak? Speak! Squeek? Shake? He's hanging his head, maybe he's sad. Maybe he doesn't have an owner. Is he skinny? No. He's fat. Well fed.

Hyder, Alaska.

Wall of the Glacier Inn.

Getting Hyderized.

We Love Hyder!

The walls here are covered with money, supposedly from the old gold miners who'd do that to stake a claim. But really it's just alcoholics.

The tourists have placed their own dollars with their own signatures to show they've been here.

Want me to scratch your belly? My hands are filthy. So are mine. Wanna shake? Hey, Do you know if he has an owner?

Yeah, the people who own the bar.

He's the bar dog, eh? Oh. Okay.

Now we'll go into the bar. Our hands are really filthy. From the dog.

Can you say something for our Van Log?

You bet. Hello, You are talking to Caroline from Hyder, AK. I'm currently up to the absolutely rottenest task. Making a dirty letter to my boss using $2 bills. I'm currently taking bills & I'm putting them on the wall, spelling out "Fuck You, Buzzy". You know me. You know Buzzy. He'll never notice & I'll enjoy laughing about this for a year.

I've just completed the "F".

"Fuck You, Buzzy."

My claim to fame is, in tending bar in Hyder for hundreds of years, I can speed Hyderize.

[Recites Hyderization rap super fast:] 

What I have before you is a water chaser, this in the other hand, is a house special. You may not taste it or smell it first. You have to knock it back straight one time & one time only... On the count of 3, down the hatch. 1,2,3. Congratulations, you've just been Hyderized with 1 ounce of Everclear 190 proof straight grain alcohol. Here's you card, sign your name to it...Welcome to Hyder & have a nice day. Bingo! We're done! Thank you.

Todd sank the 9 ball. Todd has me at a distinct disadvantage because his cue ball landed right touch the 12 ball, which I cannot touch in order to make my shot. This is going to be a close game. Both Todd & Mel only have the 8 ball on the table.

Mel failed to sink the 8 ball, now it's up to Todd. I have a dime, Canadian, on Todd. Laura has a dime, Canadian, on Mel. Todd's aiming...that also did not go in.

Where'd that money go? The dimes are gone. The money that me & Laura were wagering is gone. Missing from the table.

Todd sank the 8 & has won the game! Mel's winning streak is ended. If I were to lose to anybody on the planet, I'm glad it's Todd Gilliom.

Coming over the border, we thought there'd be another search, but our hitchhikers informed us there is no border patrol here. They said, "There used to be a sign, but it fell down". So that's a way to get into Alaska if you've got a bag of dope. But we don't.

I admit I stole those dimes.

I talked to an old woman, she's here from South Africa & she was part of the white apartheid group. She said she knew absolutely nothing of the atrocities that were going on in the black neighborhoods and she's really glad Mandela has been in. And since Mandela's been in, there's been a wealth of information given to the white populace about the atrocities. I'm sure it's denial. It could be, but she seemed pretty sincere about it. Her name was Myra. Myra from South Africa.. The way she pronounced her vowels was just beautiful.

Our first beer when we get to Alaska is dedicated to James & Jamie in Gillette, Wyoming! Hey! This is our second....OH!! Yaaayyyy!!!! James & Jamie in Gillette, Wyoming!! May they enjoy their jobs at Subway and everything afterwards. The point is - We got that responsibility out of the way. Now all we have to worry about is the first bowl for Chuck & Digger. Which will be glorious. After that, we're free.

Mel is the most sociable person - flashing peace signs at guys in Volvos. I like talking to people. The only way to meet people is to be sociable with them because they're not going to be sociable with you. More than I like talking to people, Mel does. I'm having a great time! This is fun! The Glacier Inn. Hyder, Alaska.

Mel's not too uninhibited. I should let out a war whoop right now, but there's too many people. We all have Ranier, thanks to Jon. From beer pressure to peer pressure is the difference of another beer. One more, or one less, it depends on your mood. Shame on me. He about sunk the 8 ball. My money's on Laura. Mine's on Mel. It always has been. Though I defeated him.

Shit! Mel sunk the black ball! I've got the dough! I'm buying the pork rinds.

I need a pack of Camel Special Lights in a bag. I'm taking a pack of GPCs out of the milk crate. Mine's under the bunk on the right hand side. Here you go! Here's the keys! Go!!

These microwaved pork rinds, they're terrible. Have one.

No!

One!

No!

I dare you!

No!

You played me in pool. That was pretty daring.

Not as daring as eating fucking fried pork skin.

"60% less fat than fried pork rinds", but they're still disgusting. They're nuclear pork rinds.

I finished my last beer. 

I haven't.

I'm down to 3 dollars, Canadian.

I've got 20, Canadian.

I've got 23 dollars, American.

I've got 2 dollars, Canadian, 2 dollars, American, & a credit card.

This pork rind's like a bone. We're in Alaska, we're just not where we want to be in Alaska. I like Kool Milds. It doesn't get your fix though. It's like smoking a candy cane. You'd think that would cover up the breath, but it really makes it worse.

I try to do this on the sly. I'm only doing this because you don't live here. Who are you gonna tell? You never know. We could become tree planters & come in and tell your boss. We're fishers. We're Hoosiers. Corn planting. Born & bred. I've never lived on a farm.

But you've lived by a farm that's had cornfields before, haven't you?

Yeah.

Jon, you'd better take this 'cause I just drank from it. I'm sorry. Laura is helping Caroline with the staple gun. Come on, Jon. You're up for pool.

OK. Quincy's is an ash.

Caroline, she brought my coat & flannel to me, which I forgot in the bar and she said, "Come here. I've got something to show you...". She paints! She's got water colors and a beautiful beautiful painting that she did of the mountains. She does these regularly & she sells them as postcards around here.That's fucking cool! I'd be totally satisfied with a job like that.

It's raining & we can't get the stove to work. Every other time we try it, it doesn't work. Then every other other time, it does work. Either it's bad karma, or we're just fucking up.

Day 8 - 5:42pm: We left the Glacier Inn. Laura & I made sandwiches. Todd & Jon are having chips. And Todd & Jon are trying to figure out where we're going. I don't know where we're going. Todd is concentrated. In talking to Dylan & Frank, I learned a lot about Europe. All that decadence & sex & chaos you hear about? It's true. Laura's stealing my chips. There's decadence here too. We could be in Amsterdam.

Hyderization certification, front.

Hyderization certification, back..

Back to British Columbia

Or, go anywhere:  

Van Log '94: A Collective Narrative:

Forward by Todd               South Dakota, pt. 1               Washington

Leaving Indiana                South Dakota, pt. 2               British Columbia

Illinois                               Wyoming                               Hyder, AK (side trip)

Wisconsin                         Montana                                Yukon Territory

Minnesota                         Idaho                                     Alaska

Van Log, 1994: Yukon Territory

Refreshment.

3:15 am: I'm in the Yukon! At the gas station, all the lights were off & they turned them all on - even their pump lights -just for us! The people people are friendly, very heavy Canadian accents. Driving the mountains at night is bizarre. You see all kinds of bizarre things, and that's how my last couple of hours have been going.

Coming in through the Yukon, there was some extremely muddy territory where they were doing construction, which was extremely disorienting because all the lights from the work vehicles were glaring off of my face... ...My face!... were glaring off the windshield. I'm about half asleep. In fact, I'm making this entry to stay awake. It looks like the road's moving. I hope I make it out alive.

6:40 am: It may seem like a dumb thing to tell you about, but we just saw a fox & it was all bushy tailed. I'm glad we didn't strike him down with this van. He had a white tip on his tail. Skinny clever fox. I'm glad we didn't hit him. He's still out there and I hope he never sticks his nose in a porcupine quill.

Porcupine #9! We're stopped behind a Yukon school bus & a school boy's getting on. He looks totally Americanized - he's got the slick hair, he's got the BUM sweatshirt, taking a seat toward the back of the bus. We're about 45 miles East of Whitehorse, by the way. It's called "Diversified". That's all it says on the side of the bus. No number, no school system. Just "Diversified". I was hoping they'd be, like, Jed Clampet kids.

Yukon Pancakes, courtesy of Todd & Laura.

We pulled over in Whitehorse. Cooked some pancakes and Laura made some strawberry & banana syrup. Mmmmmm...delicious. We're gonna clean up this mess a bit, then go get coffee somewhere and decide where & when to go.

7:05 am: We just had coffee at a nice little restaurant & we saw the new Drum package! It's a lot tougher lookin', looks bigger; and seeing the new Drum package, you realize how sissy the old Drum packed looks. We're gonna get two hitch hikers.

We just dropped off some hitchhikers going down to Vancouver. Just picked them up for maybe a couple of miles...took them to the highway. One guy sounded Australian, but I didn't ask. He had a nice coat though, I got one like it.

Now, I like the new Drum package for what we're gonna be doing in Alaska, but the old Drum package has some class. So when I go out on the town, I think I'll look for the old Drum package. I mean, it's got the regal blue & gold and it looks really nice. That's good that I have options now. I can dress my Drum with my attire.

Here's Mel on Hitler: Hitler's generals (particularly Goering) said, "We could take Canada easily and that would be a great blow to Great Britain". And Hitler - quote - "laughed" and said, "Why would we want that? All that's gonna do is attract unwanted attention from the Americans and it isn't worth shit anyway". No way. He didn't see the Yukon. He didn't drive the 99 North. He never saw our lake. He never saw the pine trees. He never saw shit. The moss & lichens. He never saw Wall Drug, or he would've been in South Dakota. Yet another of Hitler's follies.

1:45 pm: We saw a lemming.

1:50 pm: We may be in Pachyderm country. There's been two of them all loaded with shit. Hauling their cars with them so they can set up a little home & watch TV and all that other bullshit. Fucking Sam's Club members. I hope we don't see any more.

We just passed a weird little cemetery by the highway and it had little houses in it. Maybe crude mausoleums. Pretty weird looking, kind of took us by surprise a little bit.

Mel's island.

Dall sheep.

3:48 pm - Medical Report: Todd slammed his right middle finger in the door. We're at the site of Mel's future tower, Coin Lake. It's beautiful and we've had another accident.

Laura's giving puffed rice to the seagulls and they seem to really like it a lot. They're gobbling it up. We're going to try to tape some seagulls chirping.

[Sound of seagulls chirping]

We put a trail of bread into the van and the fat one ate it all. But he won't come in. He's shy of audio recorders.

There's a sheep walking down the mountain! Now he's stumbling in the middle of the road! He's cute. Laura's going out with a carrot to try to tame the sheep. He's walking away. It's going up the mountain...and he almost fell. Now a seagull's going over to eat the carrot that Laura threw in the road. Laura got mad because he wouldn't eat it. The mountain goat is now running up a steep hill. If he falls, I'll tell you.

4:07 pm: I just tried to have a little encounter with a mountain goat; but he didn't like the carrot, so he took off up the mountain.

What did he say?

He said, "Waaaughhhh!!!!"

4:28 pm: We just saw our second lemming of the day. He's not anywhere near a cliff so maybe he's not afraid to be independent of the hoard of lemmings. We just entered "Destruction Bay", site of our last trip's beer run. Their sign is a bulldozer that says, "Welcome To Destruction Bay".

5:25 pm: I've just received a field dressing of paper towels and duct tape from Laura, who applied her veterinary science knowledge to my fingernail. Now my finger kind of looks like a dog's paw. It's all...I don't know...I'm just waiting for the border patrol to ask me what's in it.

Mel's made a nice sign. It says: "Faithful servants of our country, It would be greatly appreciated if you, in your diligent search for criminal possessions, would kindly replace those items that you open, move, or otherwise dishevel. Thank you, The residents of the van PS. God Bless you."

That's pretty cocky. Will it do us any good? I'll bet a roll of duct tape that it won't do us any good.

OK, I'll bet a fine leather thong that there will be less destruction than the last time we came through here. And I'll also bet a second fine leather thong that, even if they're complete total dick asshole motherfuckers, we'll still get a comment about the sign.

Well, I don't have a problem with that. I fully agree with that.

Now, wait a minute! I'm gonna bet a roll of duct tape against a leather thong???

I know, you're ripping me off. You can do anything with a leather thong! You can make a necklace from a fine leather thong.

Or duct tape.

Yeah, but it's much more stylish with a thong.

No, it's not. Silver is futuristic.

I'm talking about tasteful fashion here.

So am I! OK, duct tape for thong. Get out! ... Fuck it! It's fun to gamble.

If they're really irritable, that "God bless" could be seen as a little cocky and that could be the difference between a quick search and a long, drawn-out search.

That's possible, but what's to say we don't really mean "God bless you"? Who's to say that??

I have a rotten banana. I'm sure not gonna waste it, I'm gonna eat it. This book here says that, "Godfather Peyote" makes the unborn baby dance inside it's mother's womb. Hmmm.....

5:48 pm: Once again stuck behind a pachyderm hauling a vehicle. And we're on a shitty dirt and oil covered road. And it's starting to rain. At the first possible opportunity...We're passing this fucker. Make sure it's clear...it's looking pretty good...Hell's bells, here we go! We're even with the pachyderm...We're gone. We're on our way. Good riddance, you bastard.

7:01 pm: The last sign we saw said "3 Miles". We must be near the border because it wasn't measured in Kilometers. We made a gas stop near the end of our Canada trip, at Beaver Creek. We had 4 nice showers. We want to get to Alaska and get out of here. Hopefully we're in Alaska soon.

And indeed we were! 
Alaska - the final leg of our journey lies ahead.
Just one Border Patrol to go.

Or, go anywhere:  

Van Log '94: A Collective Narrative:

Forward by Todd               South Dakota, pt. 1               Washington

Leaving Indiana                South Dakota, pt. 2               British Columbia

Illinois                               Wyoming                               Hyder, AK (side trip)

Wisconsin                         Montana                                Yukon Territory

Minnesota                         Idaho                                     Alaska