5:19 pm: The border Patrol made a mess of our
van....Fuckers. They messed everything up! Bags are all over, sleeping bags off
the shelf, the Necessities Box is on top of the Food Box, they just rape you.
They rape your stuff, violate your privacy. I'm putting the Mountie up. We are
in Canada now! We've got our Canadian money and we're going on to Vancouver. And Customs stole a pack of my cigarettes.
5:52 pm: We've now crossed Vancouver city limits. We've
parked on Howe Street at a parking lot. It's $1.50 for every two hours of $5.00
all day. $70.00 monthly. We're gonna walk around.
9:00 pm: We just came back from the Pub Pub Pub, which was
the lobby of the St. Regis Hotel. There are a lot of fun things here and a big
diverse collection of people. Lots of porno shops & leather stores which is
kind of intriguing seeing as how they keep closing them down in Indiana. There
was a guy selling peace pipes who gave us directions. We were trying to find
the seedy part of town, but it seemed a bit too far for the time that we have
to spend here. We were going to get on a bus, but we didn't have exact change
at all. Vancouver, given enough time and enough money, could really please me;
I think.
I don't know if my short hair makes me look like the
domestic type, but I've been asked twice if Laura is my wife. They think I'm
married - the guy at the border and then the guy who was telling us where to
find the seedy part of town. And he asked me if I was in the Navy.
He asked me if I was in the Army.
He had a whole bag full of cassette tapes & a bag full
of beers. We offered to buy him a beer & he said, "No, I already have
one" and pointed to his plastic grocery store bag. What a guy. We're
looking for 5, who knows where we are? There are a lot of beautiful women in
this town. Wow, look at that! "West Coast Tattooing" with a big demon
on the storefront!
There's massive bruising on the ankle from today's walk,
blood red and slightly black. We've got a photograph of the post-Vancouver
ankle. It didn't feel that bad, but now after a couple of beers, it feels
great. Bruising does not cause pain, bruising is just the bursting of blood
vessels which could be painful, but not to me.
I've seen so many hockey sticks being wielded in the streets
here.
9:23 pm: We're kind of on a weird stretch of road here, I
think it's just a park. We don't know. There are trees on both sides of the
road. Nothing but trees. Two thirds of the lanes are marked with a red
"X" & there's a lot of traffic coming at us. Our lane is marked
with a green arrow & we're going the other direction. "Park
Drive", so it may very well be a park. We're coming up on a bridge - an
enormous bridge - and enormous mountains behind it. Everything around us is
enormous. As we take this bridge, we see more of Vancouver and, below us (a
long ways) is a barge towing two big things of grain. It's really wide. Very
pretty. Tug Tug Tug Tug Tug Tug...
This city - I'm sure its got its pollution, its problems,
its crime and all the shitty aspects of any city; but you just kind of lose
that when you look at the city and see the trees & the backdrop of
mountains. I looks like a nice place to live.
9:40 pm: We're in the Vancouver suburbs and they're very
wealthy. We're kind of lost and there's a guy wearing a paper hat. Vancouver is
a bitch! Lots of turn-offs all over the place. Right now, we're turning around
at this guy's house & we're hitting his trees! He has a landscaped yard, a
red rubber hose & not enough room in his driveway to turn around. This is,
like, a twelve-point turn. Now we can go.
This guy in the cook hat who was sweeping off the road (he
was Austrian Jon says), he told us to go all the way down to the stop sign and
ask for directions there. So maybe there will be a sage waiting for us there
with a roadmap. Maybe he didn't know, maybe he didn't have the words to tell
us; didn't remember "left" or "right", so he just said,
"Go down and ask there."
We found 99 and we smell hot dogs. We're heading North &
the brakes may be going out.
10:30 pm: Broad daylight in British Columbia. We're going up
99, a very winding road with lots of beautiful scenery. A minute ago, we saw a
tea shop, and I know you can make wide conclusions, but I think that's a little
bit more of a British influence than the U.S. has. A tea shop in the middle of
fucking nowhere. Green phone poles! Awe-inspiring cliffs of British Columbia!
We just peed at the McDonalds & they have pizza here,
which I almost bought.
"I'll bet it's just gross shitty fastfood McDonalds
pizza."
"But I want to know it is."
"I'll bet you right now..."
"I'll bet a looney that it's okay & Mel bets that
it's shitty. We'll each eat half & whoever's right gets the looney & if
you think it's that bad, I get the rest of your half."
The smell outside of McDonalds in British Columbia was not
completely like the smell of other McDonalds. It must have been the pepperoni.
While I was in the bathroom, there was a boy taking a shit
and another boy taking his shoes off and passing them to the boy who was taking
a shit and who had already taken off his shoes. They were trading shoes.
My coffee spilled and it was shooting out of that straw like
antifreeze out of a radiator. I spilled a bit on my hand and it is scalding,
definitely something to be careful around.
This stretch of road is not as bad as it was. It's gotten a
lot better since we've come down off the mountain. 99 North out of Vancouver
has some beautiful scenery and I recommend it, but be careful. If I lived in
the Vancouver suburbs, I'd either hire a driver or sell my vehicle. I wouldn't
want to drive home there after going to the bars, but maybe you could get used
to it.
"Fuck it! I don't want to get used to it. If you get
used to driving in a city like that, you've just got to be fucking out of your
mind because that means that your natural state of thought is all fucked
up".
"It might make it nimble. I guess you could go about it nimbly. You could go to either extreme in Vancouver.
If you could master driving in Vancouver, you'd be a real
hard-ass driver, but on the other hand, if you get on a long and uneventful
road, you might lose interest easily and fall asleep & go off. Or you might
just get really bored. Todd just made a convenient "Miles to
Kilometers" conversion chart that will be very handy going through Canada.
I have seen the perfect stretch of road! God All-Mighty, What have you done?
12:06 am: We just got our first full tank of gas at
"Petro Canada". We just listened to the Flash Gordon soundtrack &
it was a real treat. The fact that the British Columbians don't label their
roads very well is really causing us a lot of inconvenience - loss of time,
loss of gas, loss of energy & just general frustration. It's getting pretty
dark and we're backtracking & just trying to figure shit out.
Grey road,
red road...Which road's the red road? We want the red road. We've got the
situation figured out: What seems to be the worst road (the color grey) on the
map is actually the best road pavement-wise. Neither are labeled, so we're
trying to guess which one is which. We're going to look at the sign when we get
back on what we think may be the red road. Nothing! It just has a picture of a
road and it says, "For 9KM". We don't know. We're just going to have
to take it slow so we don't blow that tire.
12:55 am: Now we have pavement! We're 83Kms from Lillooet
& we're going up some mountains and they look pretty wild. "Extreme
Grades Next 13 Kms". It's some fucked-up territory, but you've gotta love
it. Speed limit 12mph on this curve. My ears tell me that we are definitely
going up and the drone of the van also tells me that. And the drone of Bob
Dylan is keeping us going. Have we got the curves! Now this is a mountain road!
Try putting it on "2" instead of "Drive" & see if that
helps. Yeah, I don't have to floor it to go anymore. Big pay-off!
1:07 am: We've tuned-in to the Indian channel on the radio.
No, it's Chinese! Jonnie knows a little bit, at least enough to distinguish it from
Indian. We're way up here, not far from the snow caps. I see no way that we
could climb any higher on this mountain. We've gotta start going down. Here we
go! I feel a little bit light-headed from the altitude. Oh shit, it was a
fooler! Here we go back up again!
We are high and dry, no rain tonight. It's a lot of fun and
it's really whacking me out. We are at equal altitude with the snow caps. The
last Highway 99 sign was, like, 600 miles ago, now we finally get verification
that we're on 99 & it's down on a steep mountain. Going through the towns
when the road splits, there's not a sign! You don't know where you're at in the
towns. We've got snow right beside us. Snow and a boulder. There's a mountain
lake, it's formed by glaciers.
Lillooet, B.C. We're here for a few hours, but hopefully
we'll get the van going, then we'll get on our way. I'm gonna go into town,
gonna look for a shower. Might just kick back somewhere, have a coffee &
read a book.
Jon, Mel & Todd here, by the river, having a beer. Sun's
out, Laura's taking a shower for 3 bucks & is going back into town. The
brakes were apparently down to the bare metal, so it's a good thing we stopped.
Todd & I went to this quaint little game place played some pool - it was a
good release.
I just got off a bit by myself & that always does me
good - looked at mountains, smoked some cigarettes, went into Lou's Family
Restaurant, that was nice.
A couple of old guys were in there talking about,
"educated idiots" & being down on the teachers that come through town
here. Sayin', "They've got beards and no common sense and they're teachin'
our kids to be idiots". My Godfather, that's all he talks about is
educated idiots.
 |
| British Columbian glacer. |
 |
| Bridge to Lillooet, B.C. |
 |
| Roadsice hacky sack. |
Aside: While in Lillooet, we explored many of the town's small stores (probably ALL of them). Todd stumbled across one where the proprietor, Mr. Hans Meyer, had a collection of license plates, from numerous American states and Canadian provinces, on display.
Todd thoughtfully saved the man's address in the event that we may want to send him a license plate in the future to help bridge some of the gaps in his collection.
A year or two later, when I was settled in Alaska and Todd had recently transferred up there, I had just gotten official Alaskan plates put on the van. I still had the old Indiana plates laying around and Todd pulled out Mr. Meyer's card, suggesting that we mail them to him since Indiana was not represented in his collection.
Good thinking, Todd. Thanks for remembering Mr. Meyer's license plate collection.
Mr. Meyer responded with the following letter:
Mr. and Mrs. Gilliom
Anchorage, AlaskaDear Mr. and Mrs. Gilliom: [sic]
Thank you very much for sending me your licence plate.
I don't know if I eve will get to Indiana, so that plate is very welcome. Now I am missing only approximately 35 states, including Alaska. I have one of the older Yukon plates, but still none from Alaska although I much have asked half a dozen tourists. I'm still hoping to make a trip up there soon to bring back a license plate.
Thank you again. I hope you enjoy your stay in the North!
Yours truly
Hans Meyer
Lillooet, B.C.
 |
| The actual letter. |
Day 7 - 7:53 pm: We're leaving Lillooet, great little town,
brakes are fixed, radiator's fixed, & no more fucking around with that. It
was a good chillin-out period. I feel really good. I can handle these
mountains. Todd & I played some pool, jogged around town a bit, went to a
pub, watched some hockey - I don't know what you guys did.
I went & found a really comfortable spot on a mountain,
sat there awhile, watched the river, & then I found Todd & Mel and we
had a beer then I walked back into town & ran into Laura and went to the
coffee shop with her. And I've been there twice that day!
I washed up in the river & a bunch of guys drove by and
saw me naked. Then I took the hottest shower of my life.
I've got a blister on my toe. I think I've got a blister on
my heel.
Ankle Report - I haven't looked at it yet, I'm sure it's an
ugly bruise. I can hop on my ankle & I was hackin' & it feels great. So
everything seems to be on the level now. Back on the road to Alaska.
"Are you eating corn chips"?
"Does it smell like it"?
Laura roller-bladed today. It was really rough, but going
down the hills was pretty smooth.
We're gonna find a scenic spot & make some macaroni
& cheese. Todd's gonna change socks.
9:23 pm: We're cookin' macaroni & cheese by a beautiful
lake. Foul smell of South Dakota buffalo shit burning off the bottom of the
pan. We're using it to saute onions & carrots.
10:40pm: Jonnie just took off his shoes & socks and they
smell good.
I aint smellin' it.
They don't smell bad.
My right...actually, both of the knuckles of my big
toes...are stained brown! No other dirt but on those two toe knuckles.
We had a little meal, it was good...a little bland, but that
was our first macaroni & cheese batch yet. We're still learning. It's
usually not intended as a main course, we're kind of pushing the limits when we
do that. It was Kraft and it was crafted well.
We're on 97 now, going North. There's a ferris wheel. No
it's a miller's wheel. A water wheel! It's open from 8-8, then they shut it
down.
5:45 am - Laura's been driving all night. She stopped in
Prince George, where she had coffee & a meal while we all slept. Didn't get
real dark last night. It was kind of dusky. I mean, you wouldn't want to read
outside...you wouldn't be able to do it. But there was a blue tint to the sky
all night. We're on the 16, West of Prince George & we just saw the first,
"Moose X-ing" sign. The sun is already coming up. I'm starting to see
shit out of the corners of my eyes. I think I might pull off.
7:00 am: I'm trying to catch up with those guys in the van
ahead of us. Maybe they're going that Alaskan way & have a joint to smoke
with us. That would be nice. We caught up with that van, I saw their faces
& they looked pretty freaked out. They allowed us to pass them easily &
we haven't had sight of them in miles. In the words of Laura, "Those guys
are pussies".
8:50am: We just saw a road-killed moose! A big one! Just
laying by the side of the road. So those signs are true, the mooses really do
cross the road. Glad it wasn't me who hit it.
"Buffalo Eggs"?...and "Buffalo
Chicken"... hahaha! Eggs and chicken. Don't ask. We don't know either. I warned 'em!! About those eggs and about those chickens.
Van Log, oh little van log, I'm going to hold you in my lap
until just the right moment & I don't know when that will be.
Day 9, 9:57 am: We're watching tragedy in action as our deal
beloved mascot, Sam-On, is about to lose his left front fin. We're going into
surgery right now with the wonder adhesive, Shoe Goo
Medical Update: At 10:01am, surgery was complete. Here's Dr.
Todd for comments: "I gooped it on, Mel kind of spread it out, and Sam-On
looks much happier."
We stopped at a Chevron in New Hazelton, Canada & I
bought a Coffee Crisp. It says, [Reads ingredients in French]..."Makes a
nice light snack." And Laura, remembering her hallucinations, got a Mirage
& it is [Reads ingredients in French]...I don't know. It's thick, yet
light! We're gonna all sample these. See what this Canadian candy is all about.
I've made an observation about the people indigenous to this
mountain area. I think that, for some reason, evolution has seen fit to give
these people exceptionally long arms. Now, my evidence for this is the fact
that the toilet paper roll is an exceptionally long way from the toilet.
Smilin' Sam must be from here originally. Lick it, Like it, Love it.
Our reactions to the Coffee Crisp: MMMMM!!!! MMMMMMM!!!!!
Yeah, I like that. I can't taste the coffee. I can't either. OK, let's get the van started up.
My Mirage is like a chocolate sponge. It's very light.
Batman! Batman! Batman!
[Entire van crew sings along with the Batman theme song
playing on the tapedeck]
10:59 am: We've decided that we are going across into Alaska
about 200 miles from here, to this bar where we're going to get
"Hyderized". If Laura & I don't get carded. Laura is going to
start flashing a "Joint" sign at any car we pass.
12:03 pm: We're 2 miles over our 200 mile rule-of-thumb for
getting gas. It's raining & we're going to run out of gas. Maybe, if we
just ignore it, we won't. I've been bowing to those crows. Roll up that window
for gas mileage!
12:06 pm: We're seen a sign, "Gas - Next Right"!
I'd like to say thanks to our own personal deities - Thanks! We just passed the
turn! We've pulled into a construction site & we're going to get some gas!
I bet it's 60 cents per liter. I'm glad it's not my turn.
12:14pm: The van is 57 degrees, which is starting to feel
pretty warm. We got gas. It was 60 cents per liter. It was Jon's turn, he put
out $40.16! But it is nonetheless, an oasis of salvation. Otherwise we'd be
stranded by the roadside in much worse spirits than we are now. In the cold
rain. We're now leaving this oasis of construction & going back on the 37
North.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Detour into Hyder, Alaska:At this point, we briefly leave British Columbia and take a
200 mile recreational detour into Hyder, Alaska, to achieve
"Hyderization". While Hyder is technically Alaska, it is not our
destination as it has no roads to the state's interior. It is connected by road
only to Canada. It is only Alaska in name. For our purposes, it might as well
be part of Canada.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Back to British Columbia, Canada:
7:45 pm: We're at a strange place here with way overpriced
gasoline. I started pumping it in, then Mel told me there's another place less
than 20 miles away. So we're gonna do that.
9:27 pm: The return of Mel at the wheel. No inane ramblings.
We just had a $48 fill-up. I gave up driving until I have my own car where, if
I crash, it's my own fucking problem and nobody else has to worry about a
thing.
We just saw a bear! Big black bear!! He was wandering
through the pine forest. It looked like he had a human arm in his mouth. I
think it was a fish. It was a pretty roly poly bear. I don't know if it was
necessarily a black bear or grizzly bear or maybe just a teddy bear. I don't
really know. It was a bear.
Not to be anti-climactic, but then we saw a rooster across
the street. Black Rooster.
10:19 pm: A lumbering porcupine walking along the road. Last
time, we saw wolverines. Had big adamantium claws on them. We saw some with
blue boots and some with brown boots.
We just saw the porcupine's buddy. We just saw another
porcupine. They're out in troops today. Screwy, Loony, and Dewey.
We just saw numbers 4 and 5 together by the road.
6th porcupine!
7 porcupines!!
11:15pm: There's a moose running away from us. Fully
antlered, hump backed, cute big old moose. The first live moose we've seen.
Anticipating more.
11:34 pm: The 8th porcupine of the day. We're on a roll.
12:01 am: We're gonna go down and look at a lake in the
mountains. Mel's foot is fucked up! It's really swollen, but he's not
feeling any pain, so he isn't taking it seriously like he should be.
What would I do to take it seriously?
Stay off of it.
Yeah right, so I've gotta sit in the van while you guys go
off and have fun? Forget about it.
We'll pull over and you can get some wood and you can make a
crutch out of a pine tree.
The lake was nice and clear. Laura found some seagull
footprints and the mosquitos were terrible.
Jon is picking up telepathic vibes from the Van Crew.
I'm telepathic...HaHaHa...I knew what tape Todd was going to
play and I knew what tape Laura wanted to hear.
Get out of my head, man!
I'm in Mel's head telling him to get that foot looked at,
but he's fighting me all the way on it. He's got a strong will, but I'll break
that will.
Forward!
Into the Yukon Territory
