Save the World

Sunday, May 1, 1994

Van Log, 1994: Montana

3:01 am: We just entered Montana and we're on the Crow Indian Reservation. All's quiet on the Crow Reservation, they're all at the casinos. I don't mean that at all.

We're up in a cloud, we're really high, I've been pressing the gas and am not getting much acceleration. We're surrounded by a thick blanket of fog or clouds or something which has cut my speed drastically. We can't see shit. The roads are wet and we'd better slow down. We're at about zero visibility and we're going down a very steep steep hill. This is terrible.

Things are better now; the roads are wet, but the worst is over. We're in Montana! Just driving through on the way North. ShaNaNa was at Woodstock which ties into something that Ron and Russ were saying in the Badlands about a Woodstock reunion and what a joke it was because Aerosmith was playing and it was profit oriented.

Billings is 99 miles from here! We're gonna have to stop by there and pay our respects since Mr. Billings let us use his jack and was an all-around decent guy. If it weren't for Mr. Billings, we wouldn't be able to go to Billings.

Things are going pretty smooth. I've been holding a crap for awhile now, across state lines. The hills in Montana are steep. We're, like, the only car on the road. We have not passed anybody and nobody has passed us. It's just us, the rain, the pavement and the windshield wipers. These are really pretty dangerous conditions here, but we can handle it. Even without any wipers.

3:30 am: My God, it's pissing down rain in the form of a strong gale!! We've pulled off the interstate and are looking for a place to gas-up, use the restrooms and fix the windshield wipers. I mean, it's a haze of rain everywhere! There's a sign up ahead, but we can't read it through the gale. It's closed, no lights on there. We're just creeping along through the backroads of Montana in the pouring rain. "Land-O-Lakes" is closed. These roads are just drenched! There is, I bet, a couple of inches of water on the road here, we'll just poke right through. We can't see shit. Someone left the window open and the Atlas is soaked. I just turned on the defrost to improve visibility, I'm very nervous and cannot relax.

It's extremely dark out there and you can just see these huge shadows of mountains and you're going down for awhile, then you're going up for awhile; there's a curve and there's just constant readjustment of the wheel and the speed. It's never right...just tension, tension, tension. If we just had windshield wipers, it wouldn't be that big of a deal. There is reason to be nervous, I mean, who wants to crash and burn?

3:59 am: Things are looking better now. They're not great, they're not ideal by any means; but the rain has stopped pouring down. Oh! A blue sign! Now, the toilets and gas! Beautiful. The site of the Little Big Horn battle is a mile from here, too bad we can't stop. It's four in the morning, dark and wet and there's no reason at all to stop. This is really cool, the way this has worked out. The Little Bighorn Casino! Let's drop a quarter! Is this place open? There's a "Sinclair" station, the same place that fixed our tire in South Dakota. My first impression of Montana was, "Hell On Earth", but it's an alright place now. I'm sure that, in the daylight, the scenery would be gorgeous.

4:15 am: The bathroom in this place is shitty and inside it's not much better; but I found out, by studying stuff in there, that we're on a reservation. There's a poster up in there to re-elect Sheriff Medicine Horse and there are notices that a certain Council Member is discriminating against Crow Indians. When I went in the bathroom, the trashcan was sitting up on the toilet seat and it was eerie. It was just a scary place, but I'm glad we found anywhere and that the rain stopped and the fog lifted.

Here's the deal with the windshield wipers - the left one should be okay, the right one comes off.

There was a 300 pound Indian in there with tattoos. We missed the way to the casino. We missed the way to our Interstate too.

I'm kinda likin' this. Me and Montana. Yeah! Laura's cleaning Jonnie's ears with a Q-Tip while he drives, thanks Laura. All of us have pretty clean ears.

It's early morning and Montana's turning out to not be the Hell that we'd supposed. We're watching the sunrise and Todd's relaying a dream.

Todd's Dream

...At the house, they had cattle and, while we were there, one of the bulls went mad and we were all on acid and didn't know what to do. It was a town...it might have been Billings actually. The van was parked and I was gaging the strength of the door and I thought, "Well, we've got about ten whacks, then that bull's through".

So we thought maybe we'd go to the barn, but the barn doors were just thin old wood. Then it was fighting two other cows and winning!! They were on top of it and it was just goring them, like, picking them up in the air and then people thought, "Well, we've gotta help those other cows 'cause this is a mad bull!

So it was, like, four humans and two cows against one mad bull and they were fighting and wrestling it and finally everybody had a limb and everybody got these ropes and tied it up and I'm just, like, watchin' it.

They tied up the mad bull and everybody pulled the ropes tight and carried it. It's legs were all spread out and it couldn't move. It got really elaborate on the ropes and knots...all different colors of ropes and people in a procession carrying the bull and these guys were carrying hot-air balloons. Behind them, a bunch of people had the bull and I was helping them carry it. I asked what they did with it and they shot it and said,"Someone will be eating that bull".

Then we were going home and Laura was driving the parents' van. Somehow we got into an argument then turned off the road and there was a cliff and she goes, "Fuck it, let's just take the cliff down", and drives off the cliff. We made one jump and were okay, then we did something else and got all fucked-up. Fucked that van up bad.

While Todd's remembering the rest of it, we'll watch the sun rise in Columbus, Montana. Mountains all over the place.

I remember that the house we lived in...There were all these fucking people with goatees living there. A bunch of people and I could hardly tell them apart. And there was a Jamaican. Dad was there and we were getting ready to go somewhere and the Jamaican and everybody were smoking a hooter on the couch. We were going to an A.A. function and they were smoking this hooter on the couch and we took the car to run an errand, their Escort.

On the way back, there were these people having a protest about something, I don't even know what it was, but they were hanging in the road a little bit, like sitting down, waiting. I said,"Fuck it, they're in my lane". I just drove over them, like, their legs. One guy, I drove over his legs and I looked at him and he just took a knife and got my tires. They had cars parked around, so I bumped up against 'em. Boom! Like, "You fuckers get out of here".

So after we got them, I looked and we had four flat tires and we were, like, "Fuck it". So we just drove home on the rims.

We got back and Dad's real pissed because we smashed up the van driving over a cliff and then we took the car and came back with four flat tires and I knew he'd be pissed. In the dream, he had a white beard and I told him, "Well, we drove it home on the rims 'cause it was only a mile", and he goes, "oh, FUCK!!!"; just like he does.

There's more, but I don't know...a couple of fragments. That dream catcher's goin' to town. A long vivid dream and I was totally into it, like it was real.

Back to Reality:

I had a dream too. Mine wasn't that interesting though. It just had to do with a lot of pot smoking and playing video games.

I'm still on top of the van. I just watched the sun come up. Never is the sunrise more majestic than when you're surrounded by mountains. We're even in an urban area and it's still exotic. The fog's just rolling in. We're watching it roll in. Beautiful here. It's gonna be a day of mass travel today. That fog's comin' right at us. If we get lost, it may be for days. The fog is currently surrounding us. You can see it almost right up to the van. It's a very thick fog and can even be clearly seen at close range. Far out in the distance, the mountains that we did see are now completely covered and we can't see a damn thing. The sun is, like, pale egg color. It's covered now! A few minutes ago, it hurt your eyes to look at it, now you can stare right at it and it's like the moon or something. It's hard to see it at all.

The fog is blotting out the sun. Before our eyes, the sun's drying up! OH! It's gone! Oh. It's back. Oh no. It's gone. We just watched the sun disappear. I've never seen that happen, the moisture from the fog just put out the sun. We just watched the sun get snuffed. Even if the sun is dissolved, you can still see those billboards over there. There's not a damn thing over there but fog. We might plunge off a mountain to a fiery death and I hope this log survives.

The sun is back!! The sun can not be extinguished, it rose from its own ashes like the Phoenix. It's white. It's not nearly the magnificent glory that it once was. It'll blast this fog away. You can't keep the sun down. And then it's gonna burn those billboards and the world's gonna go down in fire. It's gonna be the fucking Badlands everywhere. I hope my body is eaten by vultures and shit across this great country. I hope my bones are blown away onto Amber Lynn's doorstep and she comes out and licks them.

Do I wanna deal with this shit so early? Yeah, no fog's gonna get me down. Blow that fog down the mountain, Sun. Blow that fog down South. Now you can see the mountains again. The Sun is just burning that shit away. For us! We're goin' North! We're gonna stop for coffee somewhere. Laura, would you roll down your window? These socks are going out the window. These socks aren't worth saving at all, let the fog swallow those bastards. There they go, Goodbye! Be gone, long ones. Fog's up, I got the suitcase out from the bottom of the van, got some clean bright socks on and I feel good about it.

Day 5, 9:35 am: We just had a long stop in a truck stop and we wrote a shitload of postcards, so that's out of the way. Throw me those smokes. It was a great little truck stop, hot water in the bathroom. truck stop literature...like, bathroom stall writings...is the same across the country. I noticed no difference between the messages here and the Columbia City truck stop. It must be the same people driving around and they hit every truck stop and write the same shit. Or just the same kinds of personalities that write on walls tend to write the same type of stuff. In Wall there was...some name..."sucks dick". The name was really Western and masculine, but I don't remember what it was. Like, "Big Bill Sucks Dick".

The waitress in there was really friendly, she mailed our postcards for us, she was a cutie. Really cute, really nice. If I wasn't writing postcards, I'd have been goosing her, chasing her around the table. She was a dumpling and we're leaving her behind for the road. Look at those mountains! Like we ever had her to leave behind! But we're not hanging around gawking at her. There's a water slide here, looks fun. We're gonna see some unusual things today. We've been driving all night, Jonnie hasn't slept yet. I'm gonna finish my smoke, Mel's gonna finish his smoke, Todd's gonna finish his smoke, Laura's gonna finish her smoke; and we're just gonna floor it.

We just saw a sign that said we are looking a Aberaska Mountain Range and it is gorgeous. We're looking for mountain goats. We may have lost Jonnie, he's lying down and that may be his downfall. Dead skunk in the middle of the road. That's a roadkill update.

11:11 am: All "ones" on the clock! We're here at the "Bison Room Casino and Restaurant" where Laura has found that the van has radiator leakage. A fellow traveler from Wisconsin, Chris, is helping us out.

"I left Wisconsin yesterday at seven in the morning and drove straight here."

"Wow, that's pretty hard-core."

"Yep, pretty hard-core. A six-pack of beer later and I was here."

"We left Indiana five days ago."

"Oh my God, you guys aren't making very good time."

"Well, we fucked around in the Badlands."

"Oh...You went South?"

"Yeah. Then up North. We wanted to see Devil's Tower."

Thanks, Chris.

"I was driving and all of a sudden, something came in my window. I knew it was a bug, but I didn't know what it was called. All of a sudden, something was biting me and it was a god-damned bumble bee. A hornet actually. It hurt and it bit me two or three times."

I never expected this much research material for my analysis - the bathroom stall thing. In the stall in this Conoco, not "Muff Diver", but somebody wrote, "Talkin' Shit About JB Hunt", they talk shit about that all the time in the Columbia City truckstop and it must be the same guys. I wish I was getting a grant for this.

There is no progress. Van Log, I'm a dog. We've drained all the chemical shit from the radiator and Chris is a good guy, a Road Man. Road people help each other and it's a great society to be a part of. There's a NAPA right over that overpass.

12:15 pm: We're in the NAPA parking lot, mission to get teflon tape was successful, Laura's firing up the stove and we were just strafed by a biplane. Here's the trickle of our antifreeze - it's a green potion and it's filling up three of our pans; our biggest pan, our second biggest pan and the skillet. We're gonna deal with this problem. Teflon tape. We're gonna deal with it right.

Everything is going wrong! Maybe Montana is the hell that I thought it was when I pulled in. Do you know what it was? I said that bad thing about the Crow Indians all being in the casino when we pulled in on the reservation. We have the Crow Indian Curse! Said something about them all being at the casino, now we're broken down here at this big "Bison Room Casino" thing. They said, "You're at the casino now, buddy. You're gonna be at the casino for a long time and you're gonna be ordering food there too". Our stove's broken.

You had better be doing some penance, man.

How do you do it? How do you make good?

I'll think of something.

We thought we wouldn't need goop for the radiator. I bought some wrenches and it turns out that we do, in fact, need goop. I bought these wrenches at NAPA, so I have all these wrenches now.

Mel was injured! He jumped over a ditch...a Raging Creek. It was only 3 and a half feet wide, but it was raging, swirling eddies and everything. Jumped over it, landed in soft dirt. At first it hurt, but then the pain subsided and it just felt weird. If I turned it one way, it was a sharp pain; but if I turned it another way, it felt great. I mean, it felt better than normal. I was kind of afraid to take my boot off, but I did and I've found out that it is swollen.

Furthermore, the stove won't work, there's no pressure in the tank and we've tried everything.

1:00 pm: I was in meditation trying to heal my ankle, trying to call upon the Godfathers and the Bear Spirit and somehow...Jonnie or Laura - I think it was Jonnie, since he's the only one that nothing bad has happened to yet - dumped, or spilled a whole can of Coleman Fuel and it went up in a pillar of flame. It was leaping up the side of the NAPA store.

Our cooking pans, full of antifreeze.

Todd inspects the radiator.

Stove difficulties.

Explosion next to the NAPA store.

Todd went in and got one of the NAPA guys with a fire extinguisher and it's out; but,, holy shit, we've got to do something. We have to form a circle and bond and try to get rid of this bad karma. I mean, shit is seriously - Seriously - going wrong. This is just too much bad shit happening at one time; too much to be normal, this is unnatural. We've offended some serious powers.

Have you ever felt, just really unwelcome? That's how we feel here in Bozeman. We were trying to cement the thing on the stove and we've been burning our debris, so we burnt a paper towel and couldn't get it to light. In my family, we pour a little fluid on it, so that's what I did. I looked down at my hand - I was holding the can - and there was flame going around on top. I threw it down and it burst into flame. Me and Laura looked at each other. Todd got in the van and coasted over the skillet full of antifreeze. Bent that skillet out of shape, like a taco. I was sure that the black smoke was going to stain NAPA's siding and we'd have to buy another one. Todd ran in and informed them and they sprayed it with a fire extinguisher. They said, "What were you doing so close to the building?" Everybody's worst fear, burning the most explosive thing that you can buy.

OK Crow, this is an eternal apology to the Crow Indian. We're unwelcome in this town and this is penance out the ass. Laura's got a big bug bite on her ass. I laughed so hard, I peed my pants. I have a real problem with that sometimes. We've got to get out of here. I'm gonna change my camera film, the last picture was that fire.

Our first cookware casualty - a skillet bent like a taco. Coasted right over it, I just thought, "I'm getting out of here".

We're talking about appeasing the Gods now, but it's hard to be sincere. This is just too fun, it's exciting and I can't give a damn as long as the van's running. I don't want to wish a dead van on us. Lets just say we're even with the Gods. We've had a lot of good times and, just now, we've had a lot of bad times. We just don't want anything worse to happen. The van could've blown up and I would have been right here, dead. But it didn't happen so we're not going to play with fire anymore. When you play with fire, you pee the bed. I know you've heard that one before, Laura. I don't pee the bed, I pee my pants.

I turned around and there was a burning can of Coleman Fuel - 'WHOOSH!'.

I just heard, 'Oh Shit!'"

I just looked down at the can and thought, 'that really caught'.

I just fell down on the ground and pissed and laughed.

Right when I let go of the can, I wished I hadn't thrown it at the building. I was thinking, you know...away from the van. I'd rather burn NAPA down than the van. We'd just haul balls out of here, but we don't have any antifreeze in the radiator. We'd make it as far as we could and then we'd be fucked.

Things have taken a turn for the worse, but that's all over now. We're on a new leg and Jonnie's sweeping out the van.

I'm trying to get rid of that old curse. It's kind of like a cleansing. Getting rid of the curse that we drug here from our earlier days. Hellfire.

1:47 pm: This is our goop inventory: Shoe Goo, gasket goop, hair gel, peanut butter, jelly and all kinds of lotions. "Aloe Vera Mosquito". Lotion is a sub-species of goop. It's smooth. It's a soft goop, a slick goop. Goop doesn't go away when you rub it. If you rub lotion long enough, it goes away. I found some more goop - this tar shit.

2:29 pm: We've pretty much decided that all of that bad luck in Bozeman was because of Bozeman and not us. We're good people, it's just that Bozeman is a fucked-up place to be and we're getting out of here. When Todd and Mel drove through here a couple of years ago, a bunch of bad stuff happened then too. If we'd done nothing to the radiator, it probably would have stopped leaking once we left town. That guy, Chris, told us that the guy from Starsky and Hutch is now a lounge lizard and he's performing at the "Big Sky Resort", too bad we missed it.

We're out of Bozeman and it's raining. All the bad luck is gonna go away. No more bad luck after today. I took a short nap and have just examined my ankle and the swelling has gone down just a smidgin.

4:56 pm: We stopped in Drummond to get some gas. We stopped at Exxon, but they didn't have big cups of coffee or radiator sealant; so we went to the Sinclair, which has always done us right. I asked the lady how much she'd charge me for a 32oz. pop cup filled with coffee and she smiled and said, "Nothing". She gave it to me for free. I thought that was really nice.

Hopefully we have fucked with the radiator for the final time. We forgot to check the oil, but we'll do that next stop. It's not accurate unless the engine's cool anyway and we don't stop.

My generously-given cup of coffee that I put in the soda cup has wax floating on top of it. By taking a paper towel and dipping it just on top of my coffee, I have removed 90 percent of the wax. My ankle is still swollen and I'm getting some yellowish discoloration. It's really not that bad, all that a doctor will do is bill you for giving out a pair of crutches and saying, "Take it easy". It's gonna definitely bruise. We have Missoula in the next three exits.

6:03 pm: We just picked up a couple of guys hitchhiking, Digger and Chuck, and they're gonna get some beer. You couldn't ask for anything better, unless they'd want to smoke a bowl and they look like they do. We're gonna get an interview. The radiator is still leaking, maybe we should go to a mechanic. Maybe we should just go get some advice, that's free. We could've gone into NAPA for advice if we hadn't almost burned their building down.

"I'm Digger and I'm on my way to Washington."

"I'm Chuck and I'm traveling with this bum to Washington and I'm glad to be with you guys and thanks for the ride."

"Thanks for the beer. Are you guys from Montana?"

"Yep. Born and raised. Unfortunately."

"So, what's so bad about Montana?"

"Nothing. I don't feel there is anyway. When you've been there for 20 years, it kind of gets old."

"Bozeman. Is that just, like, the Bad Luck Town, or what?"

[No Answer]

I'm on my third beer and having a good time. These guys are great. A merry ride through the mountains of Montana. First roadkill of the day was a skunk and there was a big hole in its chest and you could see through it. It looked like a brain inside its chest, but of course it wasn't. It was on the edge of a cliff, bad place to die.

7:45 pm: It finally happened, the radiator spit up all over me. I saw it coming and quickly closed my eyes. Sprayed my face, I feel some burns, but they won't be bad. It's like after you touch a hot pan or something. But as soon as it happened, I was like, "Okay, is this as bad as I've heard"? The guy in the gas station was very friendly and Jonnie's at the wheel.

Will our luck get any better?

Ride on through Idaho and find out.

Or, go anywhere:

Van Log '94: A Collective Narrative:

Forward by Todd South Dakota, pt. 1 Washington

Leaving Indiana South Dakota, pt. 2 British Columbia

Illinois Wyoming Hyder, AK (side trip)

Wisconsin Montana Yukon Territory

Minnesota Idaho Alaska

Van Log, 1994: Wyoming

As we enter Wyoming, we have pavement & the sign says, "Like No Place On Earth". It's looking like we may miss the storm. It's to our left, it was in front of us. We're seeing a lot of red dirt here, which is kind of surprising. Wyoming! It's starting to rain, it's gonna rain bad. We're gonna gas-up at a place called, Gas/Food.

7:29 pm: We stopped to get gas & I talked to some of the locals about the approaching storm. One woman said, "No, it ain't gonna be bad. It'll be alright". Then the one at the counter said, "We never know, it could be Hellfire & Damnation or it could just be a sprinkle". I asked her if we'd be safe, she looks at the van & says, "Well....Huh!...Yeah...Yeah...You'll be alright". We don't know who to believe. We don't know at all. The locals could get a kick out of fooling tourists & letting them ride off into the storm to their death before they even see Devil's Tower. We've got chips & salsa. 80 miles to Devil's Tower.

7:47 pm: We're at a store called, Pamita. Todd got a windshield wiper in preparation for the oncoming storm & a wrench. I went in the store and they have a great selection of cowboy hats & a lot of guys in the store were wearing cowboy hats. One of the employees, someone of some position because he wore a tie, mailed my postcards for me.

Todd gets the Handyman of the Day Award, he fixed the radiator & the windshield wiper. Thanks Todd!

I feel proud. It's always good to do something.

A white cow, we're in Wyoming! It's in my liver. We're driving on and the road is red and I wish I was dead. This road is paved with Indian blood.

Wyoming, according to the sign, is like nowhere on Earth; but at least some things are similar to Columbia City, Indiana. I've never seen a red road in Whitley County though, except for Chauncey Street. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize that this place is like other places on the Earth. Propane tank, right there. "East Pedro".

Sam-On, the salmon; our mascot.

There's a train coming, it's blue. It's a blue engine then a green engine, a blue car, then a green car, green car, green car, green car, green car, red car, yellow car, yellow car, yellow car, rust car, red car, yellow car, yellow car, green car, green car, green car, green car, green car, green car, green car, yellow car, yellow car, green car, rust, rust, rust... The windshield wiper has come loose, we have to stop & repair it. We're leaving the friendly skies behind us, it's raining now. From here on out, we might as well be in Hell.

We've got some antelope in Wyoming. It's 8:39pm on Day 4, the rain stopped & then all the antelope came out. That might be all of them, just those three. Those are the "Wyoming Three". Outlaws. Now, here's some animals...These are cows. Big Brown. It's really chaotic. We're spraying citrus air freshner.

Day 4, 8:55 pm: We're definitely in mountainous-type territory, the population sign of this town had another sign below it that had the elevation listed. Elevations's important to these people. The posts that hold the signs up are made of wood - not metal. Wood.

We've just caught sight of Devil's Tower after a long tiring journey. An old abandoned log cabin, it's just a shell. It's just beautiful here; listening to Johnny Cash, we've got a sunset goin', hills of green covered with trees. If I wasn't tired, I'd probably be dancing. If the storm slows down, we might be able to make it out of Wyoming tonight, but that would be fucking nuts. But maybe we can. Laura just saw an owl. The road's gonna curve. If it didn't, we'd fly off of it.

We're now near the base of the Devil's Tower National Monument. The first monument of the United States established by Theodore Roosevelt as we learned from AM 1210. Really neat rock formations here, it's pretty dark though. Devil's Tower was the core of a bygone volcano. I didn't know that before. It's very dark and there's a prairie dog. They said on the radio that the prairie dogs here will bite you & they carry the plague! So there's a bunch of diseased prairie dogs that are mean & aggressive here. "They appear tame, but they are wild animals and they will bite", the lady said. "Don't feed them anything".

We're riding in a circle, the road's in a perpetual curve, it seems like. Devil's Tower is standing ominous in the center, lightning flashing around it like the Man in Black we're listening to.

Comparing the Devil's Tower to Johnny Cash is a terrible metaphor. I guess I was thinking of Crazy Horse.

Roosevelt would declare this a national monument. I bet he really got into this. He used to take "beeline hikes". The Bull Moose. His greatest legacy is the National Parks System & having his face on Mount Rushmore.

10:28 pm: We're at Devil's Tower and there's a big storm brewing. A visitor told us that she heard the weather report & we can expect, "Hail, heavy winds, severe rain & deadly lightning". Deadly Lightning! The kind that will kill you. I could not have asked for a better experience of Devil's Tower. It was great! It was dark and ominous & the lightning would light it up for us. We were running down the trail in the storm trying to keep up with Laura, who runs like an antelope anyway.

11:52 pm: We're going into Gillette to get some gas. I'm noticing that the majority of exits are at those, "Cattle Xing" grids, so I'm keeping my eye out for stray cattle wandering across the road. The rain stopped, the windshield's clear and we're back on 90 going full speed. We're gonna cover a lot of miles. As soon as Jon gets tired of driving, then Todd will take over & we're just gonna haul balls.

12:10 am: Good Times Liquor Discount, in Gillette. Their Taco Bell is closed at only 12:10, fuck them. I don't know what's going on, hauling balls West.

1:00 am: Here in Gillette, Wyoming, we came out of a Subway Sub-Shop. That was real good food and, in Mel's words, "Fuck Yeah!" (in response to the question, "Are you driving all night"?). West on 90, let's hang our balls out and drive! Everything in Gillette closes at 9:00 except for James & Jamie (at Subway) because they're hard-core employees. They want us to drink a beer for them in Alaska and we will. We won't forget James & Jamie in Gillette - we can't forget that. I'm refreshed. There was a fucking ad in there - for $600, the price of this van, I could "Crazy Woman Creek Road", "Stony Prairie Dog Town Creek", "Piney Creek". Just a bunch of creek roads because they've got a lot of creeks, so it's a real easy name.

We saw a sign for "Tongue River Creative Playground". We oughta check that one out.

Do we check it out, or forget about it?

Find out in Montana

Or, go anywhere:

Van Log '94: A Collective Narrative:

Forward by Todd South Dakota, pt. 1 Washington

Leaving Indiana South Dakota, pt. 2 British Columbia

Illinois Wyoming Hyder, AK (side trip)

Wisconsin Montana Yukon Territory

Minnesota Idaho Alaska

Van Log, 1994: South Dakota, pt. 2 - Badlands

2:31 pm: Entering Badlands National Park

We made it. The guy here has a goatee and a badge and his name is Tim Johanson. He was really laid-back, he was funny. "No huntin' or Shootin' and No Off-Road Driving". Whoa!! It's beautiful! Dirt road! WOooooo!!! "Prairie Dog Town 5 Miles". Just big chasms! OH!! Take a whole roll of panoramic!

We're driving through the Badlands listening to Bob Dylan. We're going to the Prairie Dog Town. We have a sign, "Beware of Bison". We see some, six of 'em and more on the horizon. Mad Tyson loves his Bison. Big Herd!! Beware, they will gore you. Sign says, "Many visitors have been gored by buffalo". This is the Prairie Dog Town - And the buffalo live here too.

Exploring the Badlands.

Bad, bad lands.

Where the buffalo roam.

Mel with sun-dried buffalo shit.

3:22 pm: We have been to the Prairie Dog Town and we have returned. Laura stared down a buffalo and we're going to pick up some dried buffalo shit to burn it like they do in India.

Those Prairie Dogs are elusive. I got really close to that one. Lucky.

7:21 pm: Man, what a day. Spent it in the Badlands. We got the car fixed, the guy only charged $14. He could've charged us anything he wanted to. We drove around the Badlands forever. Me and Mel took a nap, Todd and Laura figured out that the map is fucked up. We saw antelope running around. We took a walk through the Badlands on our own feet, no one guiding us. The van was a far-off speck. I put mud all over my body and it felt really good.

We're thinking a storm might be coming from one direction or the other because they said the weather's unpredictable in the Badlands. They said it has snowed in May. That's one of the things that's so bad about these lands. Bad-fuckin-lands. Temperatures range from 116 degrees to negative 40; not in one night, but that's the range. So it's just unpredictable.

Mel and Laura are hacky-sacking and Todd and I are having a beer. Laura saw some bone jaws in a creek. She thinks they're bison jaws and Mel's going to get them tomorrow. He can make something really cool from them. Even though there's a clause in this "Prairie Preamble" about collecting fossils. Should I leave that geode here?

Why not take it, it might not even be a geode. Put it in the food box. There's a lot of them around here. There are neat little scrub bushes here, little dwarf trees. You gotta know what I mean.

This car pulled in and it was a couple of old folks and I think they may have been afraid of Mel and they left. Maybe they said, "That's not such a pretty site". It is a pretty site though. It really is.

7:53 pm: We're gonna make a beer run. I've only had 2 so I should drive. Oh! We have schnapps! Lets get some beer. Wall is only 10 miles away, we could do it with our eyes closed. We're gonna go get beer! Close all the doors and haul ass! Get that bag of cow shit in here! Put it where the spare tire used to be. We've got a lot of contraband if a Ranger stops us. We brought that rock from home. We brought that bag of buffalo shit from home too. I lost my zippo.

Empty beer bottles go in the cooler? Is that what we're doing?

Well, that's what we've been doing. I don't know why.

Take that road, 240, to Wall. I hope there's no scars! I hope there's no scars! We're at the same place that fixed our tire. Last time we were here, we were interested in Wall Drug, now we just care about the beer. I'm drinkin' Light Beer! Which I'll probably thank Jon for later because I'll look down and say, 'Hey! I've been drinking a lot of beer and I aint got a gut'!

8:37 pm: We're lookin' at a buffalo chewin' and peeing at the same time. We're drunk and having a good time.

Oh my God! They're afraid of Mel! Bison are afraid of Mel! Mel chased off a herd of bison! He's gonna get gored.

We've got beer bottles all over the floor, they're gonna be rolling out.

Mel charged those buffalo and they ran.

Bison Charger Mel.

Mel's going over to ask some guys if they hack. We've got kind of a Badlands party arranged. We ran into some people, we got some pictures of some buffalo and now Mel's negotiating a liquor store run. Introducing Laura now, they're gonna go get some beer.

Badlands party.

Cooking on buffalo chips.

Cooking bananas and pretzels.

We just met a guy named Ron and a guy named Russ. Ron just went to get some salami for his friend and we're gonna go hack and drink in the beautiful Badlands. People are dancing, I'm baking bananas and it's pretty cool. Cowchips are burning and they smell good. Laura recommends that we don't put oregano or soy sauce on the bananas. Or beer. It's bland. Garlic? How about Soul Food seasoning?

12:09 am: Listen, we're all really drunk in the Badlands. Storm brewing and we're encouraging it. We hope it does rain. I'm drinking in the dirt and I'll be sleeping in the dirt and that's the way to be.

We're gonna go find Mel. We're really trashed. We all took aspirin, but that doesn't mean we won't be mourning. Mel's talking shit to us all. I'm talking shit right now. I'm so glad that I induced my own vomiting in the field so I don't even have to risk vomiting in the van. I think we should all be thankful for that.

12:44: I'm up front. I'm Hard Core. If it stops raining, I'm going outside.

Day 4, 8:20 am: We woke up, well three of us. We don't know where Jonnie is. No idea where he is. The van is trashed and we're drinking all the water we've got right now and taking vitamins. "Aids in maintaining a healthy nervous system". We'll have healthy nerves. It's a good placebo. Is that our garbage can out there?

I spent the night in the Badlands in my sleeping bag. Mel and Laura are gonna do some hiking, Todd and I are going to take the van into town for water and necessities. I lost 3 lighters last night. We'll grab a pack of six of 'em.

10:14 am:We're in Wall. It's starting to feel sort of homey now. We made a beer run, saw the same guy working two different times, we know our way around. Getting kind of comfortable with it. We dropped off our trash in a motel dumpster. I shaved and washed my hair in the bathroom of an Exxon station, we're gonna get some breakfast at Elkton House.

We went to Wall Drug and asked for a cork. The lady said to go to the Camping Dept. and if they don't have one, go to the Hardware Store two doors down. So we went to the Camping Dept. and asked, "Do you have a cork"? The guy, and like everybody else was all in on it, he goes, "No! You wanna go out of here and go two doors down to the left to the Hardware store". So, we went into the Hardware store and I said, "We need a cork" and the lady said, "OK". She walks over to the shelves and in the metal box, way on top, it wasn't on display; she reaches up, brings down the box and it's full of various corks. Assorted sizes in different compartments.

Our eyes were bigger than our jug and we picked a really big one. It was way too big, so we took it back and she traded it. It's way tall and that gives it space to wear out a bit. Gives me a lift. It looks like a real jug now. We've got a jug of water. Now we're gonna go fill it.

Gill Bros. in the Badlands.

We're back where we had our tire fixed yesterday and where we came back to on our beer run and we're back here now. It's no wonder that Wall's starting to feel a little bit like home. We're becoming regulars here. It's gonna be kind of sad to leave that, but leave it we will.

We're going in through the back of the Badlands because, in our revelry last night, we threw out our pass, which wouldn't be good anyway today because it was only good for one day. The guy who was into Geology said there's a secret way to get in from the back for free.

Good news, we found a hose at the Exxon station and Todd's filling the jug. We are driving up and down the hills on a crazy dirt road, surrounded by cows. Root Beer, the Beer of the Root.

12:44 pm: Mel and Laura returned and they're gonna tell about their day: We hiked what we estimated to be 2 or 3 miles into the heart of the Badlands. We found this really neat bluff and we just sat on it. It was really beautiful and we added to the natural erosion and then coming back is when the excitement happened.

Laura said, "oh!", and jumped up and right at her feet was a rattlesnake sunning itself. We were about 3 feet from it, just watching it then it got tired of looking at us and just slithered away.

When we were about 3 quarters of the way back, we were exhausted and wanted to find some shade so we go through the valley and then, like 20 feet from us, a deer jumps out of the thicket. And antelope, we saw it all".

Did you see a coyote?

We saw coyote footprints. I wish I hadn't been so trashed". There was this one bird that was just so fat, it would hop then fly then hop then fly then hop.

We saw a lot of bones, a bison shoulder blade. Off in the distance we saw seven or eight buffalo stampeding, running full speed".

We ate at the "Cactus Cafe". Jonnie and I had burritos, Laura had the salad bar and Todd had garlic bread and coffee. We noticed that there's a pretty big radiator leak dripping puddles on the ground, so we stopped and Jonnie ran over to the Hardware Store and got some "Stop-A-Leak" shit and we hope the problem's solved.

We called Indiana and talked to Betty - Ian broke his collarbone, wrecked his scooter.

We're getting the Hell out of Wall. We're gonna go on 90 and cover some miles. Time to move on and we're gonna try to see Custer's Battlefield and the Crazy Horse project. My necklace broke, so I threw it out the window. No remorse. South Dakota's big and beautiful. We left Wall and we're coasting at 70mph. Green rolling hills.

4:21 pm: We're entering the Crazy Horse Memorial. We just pulled in and we're on the "Avenue of the Chiefs".

6:07 pm:We're leaving the Crazy Horse place, $15 to get in, which wasn't bad. They have free coffee and it was pretty good, but you felt bad drinking it knowing how much money need to finish this thing.

There are cows here by the road, not penned-in. Laura's at the wheel and we're gonna go see Custer's Battlefield. Maybe we should just leave the state. How Now Brown Cow? I've got antifreeze all over my leg and arm.

The original sculptor of Crazy Horse looks a lot like Mel's Godfather. He's got a great beard. There's a photograph of the sculptor with Johnny Cash and he had a personal invitation from the Pope and it's the best picture of the Pope that I've ever seen. He's just standing there with a sly grin and he's pointing his finger like, "Hey! I'm the Pope and I invite you". I'd love to get a poster of the Pope looking like that.

7:00 pm: We're on 16 going West. We're gonna enter Wyoming from here. Right now we're on a 12 mile strip of unpaved road. It's a "Road Construction". It looks like road deconstruction to me, but here we go. Very unluckily, there's a storm brewing in exactly the same direction where we're going and we see lightning.

What of this storm? Will it be as bad as we think it will be?
Find out in Wyoming

Or, go anywhere:

Van Log '94: A Collective Narrative:

Forward by Todd South Dakota, pt. 1 Washington

Leaving Indiana South Dakota, pt. 2 British Columbia

Illinois Wyoming Hyder, AK (side trip)

Wisconsin Montana Yukon Territory

Minnesota Idaho Alaska

Van Log, 1994: South Dakota, pt. 1 - Wall Drug

8:26 pm: Roadkill Report:This wasn't messy, it was a clean kill. It was a racoon rolled-up in a ball by the side of the road. A billboard reads, "South Dakotans Reject Animal Activists". This is the home of the Cattle Ranchers.

We're looking for signs that will lead us to the Corn Palace. There's a big cow statue that would not fit in the van. It would fit on a flatbed though. Pick it up if you're ever in Mitchel with a flatbed.

A large city-bought sign in green is directing us to the Corn Palace. There's the Mouse House Cheese Shop. The Freedom Gas Station. It's a dollar two instead of a dollar ten.

There's the "Taco Tienda With More." "Free Parking, No Overnight Camping."

Corn Palace; Mitchell, South Dakota.

Day 2, 10:20 pm: We just came out of the Townhouse Cafe and it wasn't bad. We had the pot of coffee. The music's getting kind of mellow, let's put on the Misfits. I haven't heard the Misfits in a long time. We're getting ready to make a long haul towards the Badlands. We found out a lot about Custer Park where they have a bunch of buffalo that run into the road and some mules you can pet, so we plan on going there.

We just entered the Mountain time-zone. That means we are now very west and after the Rocky Mountains, we'll be extremely west. We'll be coastal. We're about 60 miles from the Badlands.

I'm kinda jacked-up from all of that coffee we had in Mitchel. I'm feeling like a rocketship here. I took a nap, maybe that had something to do with it. After we had coffee, I took a nap. Explain that. But now I feel like a million bucks.

We could buy some liquor and get plastered. Set up a tent and drink. I'm not gonna sleep tonight, so if we get there and nothing's open, let's start a fire and cook something. Eat and drink and make merry by a fire. Do we have anything we could cook on a fire? We could fry Spam.

If we feel like it tonight, we're gonna fry bananas on a fire and drink liquor

Did you see that? I thought it was an animal at first, but it was a big ball of tumbleweed.

I had an accident! We were coming up on the scenic overlook to camp out and I took the exit and at the top of the exit, what I thought was a space to merge onto the freeway was actually a solid concrete curb and I flew up over that at a pretty good speed and I definitely reamed-out the right front tire really bad. I'm assessing the damage.

Flat.

By the side of the road.

Taking it all in stride.

We're stopped right by a "No Camping" sign. So, that's the situation. Mel landed on me. We may be okay. Jesus Christ, that was a close one. My apologies. No alcohol was involved.

A car with a couple of guys came up to help us out. They let us try their jack. The problem is that one of the lug nuts isn't coming off with the tire iron we have. We tried their tire iron, but it was too small so they've gone to call a tow service. Not that we need a tow, but they could probably get the lug nut off. They'd probably be equipped to handle that.

It's a beautiful night, lots of stars are out and there's a heavy wind. I guess, for a wreck, it was pretty good; but I wouldn't want it to happen again. Hopefully soon we'll be rolling again.

Day 3, 8:45am: Lug nuts are off. It's a beautiful place we were sleeping. A camper was here and I went over to ask them if they had a tire iron when a guy pulled-up and said he had the perfect one. He's had it for fifteen years and he had a lot of faith in it. It was a cross. He was a man of God from Ohio. An evangelist. Now we're waiting for someone to come along with a jack. We slept outside on the prairie. The dream-catcher is done.

Did you shoe-goo it?

9:11 am: We got some wood under the jack. We got it up to where it won't go up any further. We tried to take it down and it won't go down any further either. So now we're left with the van precariously placed on 3 blocks of wood.

10:00 am - Some people from Indianapolis, Indiana, pulled up. Really nice guy, gives us his jack and goes off to see the scenery. We got the tire changed and as we were changing the tire, he told us the entire history of Billings, Montana. He was really up on it. His last name was "Billings" and that's the reason he was going there. The only reason he was going there. Just wanted to see it. He researched back to 1794 and as far as he can tell, he's not related to the guy, "Billings", who started the town; but he thinks a few hundred years back, they probably were related. That Billings had a son named Frederick and a daughter named Laura and so do they. And we have a Laura too.

It's all turned out well. In evaluation of the whole situation, I think that we all did pretty well. Took it all in stride. None of us freaked out. I liked sleeping out in the wind and grass. I'm taking this as a personal lesson to watch my speed.

"I could have killed everybody."

"Don't get solemn on us."

"I could have hurt somebody."

If that wasn't a prairie...we would've gone off a mountain in Alaska. We'd have plunged to our deaths.

We're gonna go to Wall and check the alignment and put the other rim on the other tire. While we're there, we're gonna go to Wall Drug. "Auto Parts at Wall Drug", there's a sign they could put up. While we drive to Wall, I am brushing my hair and throwing the knots out the window, where they shall become tumbleweed and roam the prairies forevermore.

Wall Drug; Wall, South Dakota.

2:22 pm: We went to Wall Drug; got postcards, got coffee. Have we been busy! We saw Smilin' Sam play the piano, got some good pictures. Sixty cents and we got all the coffee we wanted. Couldn't drink any more. It was a dream. I bought a hack. I called home and that bastard bitch of Satan's spawn of a Godmother I have (and I hope you hear this, you stupid slut) wouldn't let me talk to my own mother.